Jesus. Jesus. Holy and exalted one. Jesus. Your name is like honey on my lips. Your Spirit like water to my soul. Your word is a lamp unto my feet; Jesus I love you. I love you.
This was one of the very first songs I learned when I became a Christian at the age of 13. I did not grow up in the church - I always thought that you should try to be as good of a person as you can, and that God rewarded you accordingly. When I was 12, my dad committed his entire life - everything he had, everything he did or thought, all of it to Jesus Christ. I soon followed because I wanted this same change of heart. Little did I realize that my story was going to look so much different than his
At the age of 5, I developed asthma (my theory is that because I lived in California for two years, the smog destroyed my immune system). Little did I know that I would take an inhaler for the rest of my life, just so that I could have life.
At 6, I fractured my right arm while roller blading, and my collar bone by farting around on my jungle gym. Little kid stuff. The usual.
When I was 7, I started developing chronic ear infections in both ears. Doctors recommended tubes be put in my ears, but my parents thought I would grow out of it, or that I would magically heal. I don't know. I was the first pancake, but it wasn't very common back then to have tubes.
When I was 8, we moved from Texas to Illinois, and I developed allergies to pretty much everything around me. Dry, warm air to wet, moderate air; I survived. We had to get rid of my bird before the move because he made me sneeze. He was my buddy. His name was Poppy, in case you want to know. : )
At 9, I had reconstructive ear surgery because I had developed a cholestiatoma in my right ear, causing my hearing to be severely impaired. My ear surgeon is now really famous because she does this procedure all the time now (it's more and more common in kids - my prediction? Allergies to milk & wheat.) I also had a tube put into my left ear so it would drain properly.
Years 10 & 11 were peaceful years, I believe. These were the years where all of this stuff just continued to develop - nothing new arose. My mom might say something different...those were the years where emotional termoil began to develop.
Year 12 I had head lice shaped dandruff that my mom thought was real lice, and treated it as such for 3 months.
Year 13 I developed Impantigo, a skin disease. It was pussy & gross, and I'm still embarassed about it.
Now. This is where I broke down. This is where Jesus enters. Honey on my lips. His Spirit like water to my soul. I saw this glimmering light. This is where I spend and hour crying into my dad's arms because I had committed my life to Jesus! And all of this bad stuff was still happening to me. Both dad's listened, and both dad's cried with me. But both knew my pain.
Year 14 was the year that I fell off of my bike on my way home from work. Doesn't sound like much, but it was a moment of evidence for me because my helmet broke into four pieces. I didn't go to work with a helmet. My dad just happened to drop it off for me right as I was leaving work that night.
Year 15 was the year that I entered a deep, dark depression after my family made a move - one that forever altered my life. God called my family into ministry this year, and he led us to Spring Grove, IL. I knew that he was leading, but I didn't want to go. And I suffered in self-pity.
Year 16 was the year that I started to heal from everything listed above. I started to understand more and more of God's character. I began to heal emotionally from the pain that I had deep inside my heart.
The rest of the years were years of growth, even in the midst of conflict - I started to realize that God does not want us to come to him complete & whole. He wants us to come to him in whatever state we're in: whether we are frustrated, confused, excited, have a lot going for us, depressed, hurt, or suffering.
Suffering.
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." 1 Peter 4:12.
I did something today that I've never done in my life. I skipped church in a building to go to church by myself with my computer. It was so weird. A lot of people that I know do it, but it was very foreign to me, and I am often judgemental of people who are not willing to get invovled in a church community, but instead watch podcasts or videos. That's what church is for - for you & the body that needs you. But this morning, I was thankful for Francis Chan. I've been to (well, what was) his church once before while visiting cousins in Simi Valley. I stumbled upon a sermon on suffering. 1 Peter 4:12. It's kind of intense isn't it? To be quite honest, I don't like verses that talk about fiery ordeals, or strange happenings, but Peter is alllllll for them. Why? So that he can be like Christ. He was so impacted by this man, Jesus, that he saw suffering as gain. Not only that, we should not be suprised when bad things happen to us; we live in an extremely broken world.
Have you ever tasted suffering? In the city that I (used to) live near, Milwaukee, there are 20,000 homeless children at any given time. Twenty thousand. That's more people than lived in my high school community, let alone my town.
My sufferings are and were nothing compared to theirs: I'm not hungry, I'm not cold, I'm not lost or without a home. I was never taunted in school for smelling different because of a lack of access to a shower or bathroom. I was never raped or beaten or hurt because no one was watching out for me. I never lagged behind in school because of my lack of sleep that night. (I did lag behind in school because of drugs that I had to take, but that is completely different.) And you know? Maybe not all homeless people feel that way. Maybe they do find a shelter for the night, or plug into a church. I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes about homeless people because all of them are smart & some are just in a season. But so so many suffer.
Suffering.
I have prayed for the last few years that God would make my heart like his. Do you know the song "Hosanna"? There's a bridge that goes like this:
Heal my heart and make it clean. Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like you have loved me. Break my heart from what breaks yours. Everything I am for your kingdom's cause, as I walk from nothing to eternity.
It's a scary thing to pray, right? It's a HUGE prayer. I always say, be careful what you sing because God listens. When God breaks our hearts, it hurts. When we suffer, it hurts. When God leads, it sometimes hurts. But, it. is. so. worth. it. Why? Because we grow closer to God, and we become more like Jesus. He paid the ultimate price, he suffered as no one else has.
Before this turns into a book, I just want to say one more thing tonight. My church went out today into the community that we live in, and into the city of Milwaukee. It's a big deal for the members of this church, and I am proud of them. I was praying all day that they would see glimpses of God's broken heart, and feel some sort of pain & suffering. It's a really weird thing to pray for someone, but I think that it's a form of love. : ) There may be some of you who are personally suffering right now because it's where God has you in life. Advice that someone gave to me a few months ago? Suffer well. Suffer well, my dear, dear friends.
