About Me

Hey there! I'm a twenty-three year old Jesus follower, and this blog is to record all of the goings-on in my life within the next months. I recently broke both of my legs, and feel God leading me to tell my story - a story of redemption and grace, of hope and pain, of excitment and fear. May you be deeply blessed as you read. Shalom!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

New beginnings.

Unexpected Adventures.
 

This is from last October, by the little guy (6) that I got to hang out with this past summer.  
He has a special place in my heart.
And, he still doesn't understand how I broke my leg bones & talus bone.  : )


Holy cow.  It's been a year.  I can't believe that I am here in the this place, drug-free (ahem...ITCH free), cast-less, and walking.  Singing, cooking, laughing, remembering, living.  What a journey it has been, and what a journey it continues to be.

I have been thinking for weeks and weeks about how to say good-bye in this blog, but instead realized that I am not going to perpetuate the legacy of a Disney movie.  There are never really endings, but rather new beginnings.  I realized after a phone convo with the 'rents that today is the one year anniversary of my fall, and that goodbye would be lame.  So instead it's the cheesy this-is-really-the-beginning line.

The best part of it is that somehow, God arranged it that my accidental discovery would be the same weekend I got to do everything I love - cook, sleeping in, going for a walk, eating with kids and friends, and leading worship.  And, the girl who was with me when I fell is over for an impromptu sleepover.  He knows what we need, I tell you.

I was reading through the back half of Romans tonight for the class I talked about in an earlier post, and I came to the end of Paul's letter.  It was so humbling - he loves and shepherds the early church so well.  Here's what his letter says, to the church in Rome, to you, and to me:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Ahhhh!  I just love it!  This is exactly how I felt when I fell.  I pray for you, that the "as" in this sentence would not be lost. 

"I myself am convinced, my brothers and sisters, that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with knowledge and competent to instruct one another.  Yet I have written quite boldly on some points to remind you of them again, because of the grace God gave me...the duty of proclaiming the gospel the of God..."

You are filled with goodness in Jesus.  Hope truly is found in him.  And for those of you who found offensive words in this blog, I pray that one day you might come to find their true meaning.  May God redeem anything that I have misspoken or communicated in an incomplete way.

"Therefore I glory in Christ Jesus - I will not venture to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me in leading the people to obey Him by what I have said and done - by the power of signs and wonders, through the power of the Spirit of God."

I am alive, I tell you.  This is a sign and wonder in and of itself.  To Him be the glory.

"But now that there is no more place for me to work in these regions....I hope to see you while passing through and to have you assist me on my journey there, after I have enjoyed your company for a while..."

Hence, the ending of this blog.  There really are no more words to be said.  I've actually said that a lot in recent posts, but I think it's because, deep down, I am sad to say goodbye to this blog.  It has been a refreshing, filling place for me, a place where I have found comfort, solitce, and...well...myself.  Really.  I am so thankful for this space.  And I really do long to see each of you soon.

"I urge you, brothers and sisters, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to join me in my struggle by praying to God for me.  Pray that I may be kept safe, and that my conributions may be favorably recieved, so that I may come to you with joy, by God's will, and in your company be refreshed."

It sounds selfish, but I would enjoy company for the rest of my life.  I would also like for you to be mutually refreshed.  : )  And, please let me know how I can pray for you as well.

"The God of peace be with you all.  Amen."

And not just the peace that we talk about at rallies, or hippie gatherings.  Shalom.  Completeness. Wholeness.  Health.  Soundness.  Prosperity.  Fullness.  Rest.  The absence of agitation or discord.  Hebrew words pack so much meaning.  And I mean Shalom.  (I think Paul does too... : )

Today's quote on my "friendship calendar" (that got from an elderly lady that I dearly love) says this: "I want to forge my strongest friendships with fellow "limpers" - ordinary people who, though a little bruised and battered, hobble forward on their spiritual journey.  We can hold each other up along the way."  - Janis Long Harris

Thank you for your encouragement in my life - even if I don't know your name, thank you for being here in this space right now.  Thank you to the many who came to see me in all my puffy glory when I was at the hospital, who cried tears for me, and with me, and laughed at my colored tongue.  Thank you to those of you who came to visit me when I was laying in bed for three months, excited about my new-found future.  Thank you to those of you who were with me when I was learning how to walk again, and didn't laugh at me when I fell down walking out of church.  Thank you to those of you who have posted encouraging blurbs along the way, small, but oh-so-big words of encouragement.  Thank you to those of you who have offered prayers on my behalf, and listened to me when I needed an ear.

Thank you, mom, for wiping my butt when I couldn't, and for holding me when I just needed to cry.  Thank you, dad, for putting holes in our wall so that I would have privacy when she was doing so, and for teaching me to appreciate her, long before I really did.  Thank you, girls, for letting me crash your nest, stink up the house, and bring your level of coolness waaaaay down when we were in public places.

Thank you, Abba, for redeeming my life, for calling me yours.  For your protection, and your plan.  Thank you that we can trust you when things are confusing and when they make a lot of sense.  Thank you for walking alongside of us on our journey, even when we aren't able to walk.  Thank you most of all for your never-ending love.

Thank you that, in you, we find new beginnings.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Everything.

I attended a banquet on Friday night that was focused on inner-city ministry in Milwaukee.  It was a time to celebrate so many of the cool things that a group called "Here's Life Inner City" have been seeing God do in the last year (check it out here: http://www.hlicmke.org/).  I was so thankful to have been there.  The theme is what caught my eye, and perked up me ears...

Hope changes everything.  

I'm taking a class this semester in Romans, and in one of the dictionaries I had to read this past week, I stumbled across this blurb by Colin Brown.  It blew me away.  (And the "for the moment" part is IN the quote...)

"New Testament hope is patient, disciplined, confident waiting for and expectation of the Lord as our Savior.  To hope is to be set in motion by the goal ahead, awaiting in the movement towards the goal.  It demonstrates its living character by the steadfastness with which it waits, by hypomone (Greek for patience, art), by the patient bearing of the tension between the now, as we walk (for the moment) dia pisteos, (by faith), and our future manner of life.

This waiting is something active, for it involves overcoming.  Although the waiting may be painful, this too is recognized positively as travail which announces "rebirth".

Therefore those who hope are comforted and confident.

Hoping is disciplined waiting."

Tension.  Motion.  Walking.  God's living character...these words all struck me this week in such a deep way.  

I'm two days away from my one-year anniversary.  I decided not to have a party on the 31st because it's Halloween, which I always forget.  The anticipation is not as bad as I thought it was going to be - this week was not difficult to get through, and I don't think next week will be either.  I'm such a roller coaster.  I did a lot, and my foot was able to keep up (this time around). 

But, you know, even if it hadn't, I am still clinging to that promise.  Even if my arthritis continues to progress, and even if I can't run anymore, and even when I have to give up all of my cute shoes so I can wear an orthodic, and even if I will always feel the pain I feel, I will cling to God's promise of hope.  His hope is bigger than I can imagine, and I am ready to move on to a new chapter in my life.  I'm getting more and more excited about what God is going to do in the next year, and I excited about the forward motion that I feel.  Even if there is tension.  Truly, truly, truly:

Hope changes everything.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Clingy.

It is pouring rain outside as I type this.  It seems a tad surreal - this may quite possibly be the last rainstorm of 2011.  From here on out, it is more than likely to be white fluffy stuff that mysteriously falls from the sky.

I was just microwaving my Sweet and Spicy tea (Good Earth - if you haven't tried it before, let me know and I'll personally deliver some to you.  Oh.  It's joy in a cup.)  There are these little sayings that come on the back of every tag, similar to the bottom of a Snapple cap.  (Who comes up with this stuff anyway?  I would LOVE to be a random fact spewer for a living.  Wouldn't that be awesome?!)  The saying tonight was,  "He who is drowned is not troubled by the rain."  Apparently, someone wise from the Orient said this many years ago.  "Orient" feels like a culturally insensitive word, so I'm not going to type it again.

At first I was like, "What the heck is that supposed to mean?  If I die, I don't have to worry about anything ever again?"  (I can't believe how much time I waste in my life trying to figure out stupid phrases that come in/on/with stupid things like tea.)  The more I thought about it though, the more I think I understood what it's trying to say.  When you go through a large ordeal in your life, (such as drowning, heaven forbid), when "smaller" things like rain come your way, they don't bother you as much.

I can see where this might be considered a wise saying, but I disagree.  Sometimes it may be true, but I think that it is the littler things in our lives which trouble us the most.  The day to day stresses (TRAFFIC), the seemingly menial things that trip us up oh so easily, the small glaces and snickers, the thoughts that we never seem to catch.  And, if you look at it from a positive point of view, it is also the littlest things which bring us joy.  A warm comforting touch, a smile from someone you don't know, a cup of tea on a deliciously stormy night.  There are so many joys to be found in our day to day lives.

It was this thought that I kept bumping into this morning while I was at church.  A song called "The Stand" was one that we sang this morning (if you've never heard it go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6suBrSFaiM), and I totally lost control of all emotions.  It's the song I was most excited to sing once I could actually stand, and it was the song that I sung when I did.  It was the song that we sung this morning, and it will be the one I sing all week.

Eventually I ended up in the bathroom, which you may think is a strange place to go during a church service (and a place I talk a lot about), but the bathroom is the place I go to to be alone with God in public places.  If you think about it, it is the only place one can go, shut a door, and have complete privacy.  So I'm sitting there after singing about actually STANDING before a God who gave everything, and how I surrender everything to him, and I'm just sobbing.  I couldn't stop!  It was so humiliating!  But there I was, puffy-eyed, my bright splotchy face and brightened pimples in all their glory. 

The first thing I thought about was how I forgot that I wasn't standing up six months ago.  The second thing I thought about was how sad I am that I can't run anymore.  Then I was frustrated with myself for crying about myself.  Then I was weeping because I can't believe how faithful God has been to me throughout my life, and throughout the last year, and how I have been able to cling to him through so much.

To make my eyeballs worse, the sermon this morning was about how a gardener tends a grapevine.  I feel like the last year has been a HUGE pruning process for me, and as such, I was overflowing with joy this morning.  And pain.  Chapter 15 of the book of John is a section of the Bible where Jesus is speaking about a farmer's pruning process.  He starts off by simply saying that he is real.

"I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken."

I used to be really freaked out by this passage because 1)  I tend to live in shame, and still suffer from paranoia from time to time, afraid that God will cut me out of his family.  And, 2) I do not like the idea of a farmer stepping into his vineyard, crunching the limestone with each step as he comes my way to cut me off.  His heavy boots squish the rocks down into the mushy soil as he eyes my vine up, and starts hacking away at it with a machete.

This is seriously what I used to think of when I read this passage.  Mind you, nothing in Jesus' voice depicts this image, but this was the image I had of the "Farmer".  Of God.

One of the things I have learned in the last year is how tender God is.  (This is not to say that I had not seen the gentleness of God beforehand; it is a constant theme in my journey)  I just can't get over how tender he is with me.  With us.  Jesus is not speaking these things because he wants us to dwell in a fearful place; he speaks these things because he longs to tenderly come and show us what life can really be like, as a joyful farmer awaits with hope that as he gently (and still painfully) cuts back parts of the vine, as though he knows of the juicy, plump fruit that will come in the next season.

"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples."

I challenge you this evening - a real, honest, down to earth challenge.  (And no, I'm not going to talk about the bonfire in this challenge - don't be scared.  : ) 

In what ways do you fear God pruning parts of your life? 
In what ways do you draw back as he tenderly reaches to prune back your deadwood? 
How do you view the farmer as he reaches out to you? 
Do you recognize his face? 
Do you want to?

Jesus brings it all home in the end of the passage:

 "I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love.

I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends."

 I'm so thankful that Jesus put his life on the line for me, and for you.  That he loves us that much.  That his joy can be our joy.  As we step into this week together, may we cling to the promise of his hope for our lives - may he increase our understanding of who he is, who he wants us to be, and how he wants to shape us in becoming those people.  And may we be flexible and giving like soft vines, excited by his touch, and clinging to him as the pain comes.  And as it goes.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Party.

It's hammer time.  MC Hammer, that is.

I was out for tea tonight (and now I'm WIRED at 10:44pm - I forgot tea has caffeine!) with an amazing lady from a really special season (mid-college) in my life.  It was such an encouraging conversation.  I find myself thanking God for a lot of friends in my life that have been such a blessing to me over the last year.  I kept thinking the whole night about the verse along the lines of, "Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing."  Oh how I forget the importance of community, sharing one anothers burdens, and praying for other people on a regular basis. 

Thank you, Milwaukee, for Alterra on the Lake, and for the sanctuary that you provide.  I pray that as you read this, you are surrounded by friends that encourage you and build you up - God is faithful in this area, and has taught me much about what it means (and how hard it is) to rely on other people.  It's SO worth it!  I never really had a "best friend" growing up.  I had so many friends that were faithful to me though, even when I wasn't faithful to them.  It is by the grace of God that I have any at this point in my life, as they show grace to me on pretty much a daily basis. 

Anyway, lady suggested that I have a party on October 31st.  It feels a smidge selfish because my parents' TWENTY SIXTH wedding anniversary is tomorrow...  Food for thought...  I kind of think it is a fabulous idea.  It's is my one-year anniversary, and I think it may be time to celebrate some Unexpected Adventures in all of our lives.

Who's in?  : )

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Sun.

One of the many beautiful things about a storm is that once you have spent an entire day underneath a blanket of dark clouds, when the sun does peak out (which it always will), it is that much more beautiful.




The five-year-old ballerinas agree with me.




I was on my way into class (where, not so coincidentally, we talked about "the faithfulness of God", ha ha) and they were on their way out.  It was so cool to hear all of them step outside, and collectively say, "Oh man!  Look at the sun, mom!",  "Dad, dad, look!  It's so beautiful!"  Inside, it was exactly what I was thinking....I couldn't have expressed it better myself.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Caw.

Bike riding is one of my absolute most favorite things in the world.  Bike riding when it's 70 degrees out, with a water bottle in my pack, three hours to spare, while all the trees are in all their glory is the absolute best thing in the world. 

It was funny, on my ride I saw this mob of crows (the bird) flying overhead.  My initials are C.A.W., which has always been super-annoying because I thought it was cool to have initials that spelled an actual word until that word was "caw".  The most obnoxious noise ever.

Anyway.  Crows.  I'm not exaggerating when I say mob.  There were a lot.  Then a few more...then even more.  They were flying with me, in the direction I was heading, until I came upon this entire flock of crows.  I mean, like at least 60 or 70 of them, with dozens more flying in.  Mafia style.  Crows are really dramatic, in case you don't know.  And Italian?  They can apparently hear each others calls from miles and miles away - who knows how they determine who they're going to help, and who they're going to hurt, but when one starts freaking out, they all come flying in to help it.  In fact, there's a whole array of calls that this dude has figured out:  http://www.crowbusters.com/begtechn_dc.htm

(That link made me laugh a lot.  I really want to give my Brewer's the "Rally" call, but I think it may be too late.  They need a "Distress" one...)

Anyway, these stupid crows had me thinking about how God has designed us to be in community with one another.  It's so random, but sometimes one of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for help.  It's amazing to me that an obnoxious bird has it down better than I do.  It's also amazing how many people are willing to help when you do ask.  They come in from miles and miles.  What is also amazing is how much joy I receive when I allow others to help me.  And how much joy I receive when others ask me to help them, and I am able to.  The littlest things make such a big difference in others lives. 

Leave it to birds to remind me of something so simple.



: )

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Take.

You know, I usually don't like the word "take" because, generally, it implies selfishness.  Tonight I am being selfish; though difficult, I need to take it.  I need to take heart.

Thank you, oh Lord, that we can worship you.  Thank you that you cast no shadow.  Thank you that you heal.  Thank you that we have hope because of you.  Thank you that you love us even when we fail.  Thank you for being with us in the midst of all of our feelings, through joy and pain.  Thank you for being patient with us when we lose courage, when we lose heart.

It's seven minutes long, but I would really encourage you to watch this video.  It's sort of cheesy, and seven whole minutes long, but you can watch it while you make and eat breakfast, brush your teeth, during commercials, or while you fold laundry.  For seven minutes.  It's worth it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MfBQ30Ta9w  Or, take three and read the lyrics.


Take Heart  
by: Hillsong United

There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again
All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failures
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome



Jesus' skin wasn't white, but you get the idea.
You're the plant.  ; ) 

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Old.

  I didn't really realize how much of a complex I have about aging until about the last couple of weeks or so.  My trusty friends pointed out that I have been talking a lot about age, and you know?  They're right.  I have been.  I'm hung up on it because I am getting older.  Haha, and so are they.  I turn 25 in exactly four months to the day.  February 9th.  1987.  (Good year.)  I had this goal for myself that I was going to write in this space everyday of October, leading up to that fateful day where I got to ride in an ambulance.  Good follow-through, huh. 

This week, I feel like the word "trust" has been on the forefront of my mind, and on the tip of my tongue.  I have had a lot of opportunities to share what I've learned from my God over the last year.  Ironically (or not so ironically), it's what we talked about in church this morning.  Trust.  And, I'm pretty sure our dear pastor dove into trust in the midst of suffering.  (And this is not to say that I have any real comprehension of how to trust God in the midst of suffering, but it definitely hit a raw nerve.)

Jesus, right after Judas had betrayed him, but before he was ripped away like a criminal, from his disciples (the ones he loved), said this, "Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, trust also in me.  In my Father's house there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you."

The part that is funny to me is that Jesus knows what's about to go down.  Judas (someone who served alongside of Jesus, and someone Jesus loved and trusted) made the decision to betray.  To betray what he knew was good and right.  And Jesus is here, speaking peace not to himself, but to his disciples!  "Do not let your hearts be troubled."

What I've found myself wondering is if I really trust the Lord with my age

Mark Twain once said, and I'll never forget this, "Age is an issue of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."  

Well, Mark Twain.  Here's my question for you: what if it does matter?  What if you are staring down at a major milestone in life, and all of sudden it matters.  A lot.  Hmmm?  What if your age matters?  What if YOU were going to be a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD?  Yeah.  Uh-huh, twenty-five.  What now, Mark Twain?  What now.  Ugh.  

I hate it that it is bothering me this much, that I really could be that vain and worrisome over something as silly as a number.  Which, by the way, other people place emphasis on, not God.  The pressure comes from myself, and what I allow to influence my way of thinking.  Man!  I'm feeling the pressure!  Grrrrr!

People are born every day, and people die every day, and you know what?  People break their legs every day.  People ride in ambulances everyday.  People go to physical therapy every day.  People get casts taken of everyday.  Just ask Rosa, the wonderful cast lady that I get to see tomorrow, who puts on like 28 casts PER DAY.  Nothing that I have experienced in the last year is new.  None of it. 

In fact, people get life-long illnesses everyday, and find out that they have cancer everyday, and not only fall great distances but are paralyzed.  Everyday!  This happens.  Some of those same people cry everyday, wishing that they could actually sleep well for one night, but their medicines give them nightmares and make them itchy, and make all their hair fall out, and they don't know if they're ever going to see their kids or parents again.  Everyday.  

Every single day.  

Someone enters the world and starts breathing, and someone stops.  At one point in my life I would have said that this was beautiful, a part of the "rhythm of life".  No.  It sucks.


Before you start shaking your head at me, or call me "intense", or think that I've been watching too much Lie To Me or Bones, or that I take life too seriously (I don't, I promise I laugh - I spent much of this weekend laughing & celebrating.  And DANCING....) I will have you know that this is reality.  

So, take a deep breath, and know that I'm not always this intense.  Just right now.  And...maybe when I DANCED.  That was a little intense.

This is a reality that I am learning more about because guess what?  I'm only 24.  I am learning about realities of the world which I have refused to face for the last 24 years.  Realities that I haven't been able to face because of the development of my brain, and the maturity of my heart.  Realities that I just didn't want to see.  Realities that come because they are built on top of other realities and are all tangled up in one realityweb.  

God knows what we are able to bear.  He knows how much we can handle.  He has been so gentle with me, with my faint heart, and my ignorant and oh-so-sensitive soul.  There is no other place that I know of where I can release these things, surrender all, and know deep down that they will be safe.  He has lead me into the wilderness, but he has not abandoned me.  If it were not so, he would have told me.

He has not abandoned you.  He has not abandoned us.  He has not abandoned the people that are currently receiving the news mentioned above.  He has not abandoned the very people in the same exact room that I occupied at Froetdert, or in the trauma unit where I could hear people screaming in pain across my hall.  He has not abandoned us.

I find myself so emotional this evening, partly because it's October, and there is this weird stigma attached to it these days.  The smell in the air, and the colors that draw me into the presence of my Creator.  It's not tainted, but there is this weird feeling.  I'm nostalgic at heart, and I have thought a lot about what's happened in the last year.  Part of my emotional vomiting is because my heart is so full, and I am so thankful for the experiences I've had.  For the friends and families that have walked (and wheeled) alongside of me.

Above all else, I am thankful this evening for a God who has displayed (and is displaying, and will always display) his wonderful love and beauty to not only me, but to the world.  The song of a different season is being sung, and I can't help but tap my toes, and sing along.  The trees keep perfect time - they are on fire.

I have my last doctor's appointment tomorrow.  It's been a year.  And, I'm freaking out.  I thought I would be able to just be cool about it.  Calm, cool, and collective.  But, in true Catie-style, I desire coolness and am left lacking.  So.

This is where I am.  This is where I am at this moment, in this day.  Heck, tomorrow I'll probably be in a completely different place, but thank you for allowing me to share where I'm at.  

I am going to end this blog this month.  Not today, but soon.  Who knows who's even reading it...(I'm pretty sure that my giant poop story was a topic of discussion at a wedding last night...), but thank you for allowing me to share some of my joys with you.  Some of my burden, some of my discovery.  Thank you for reading.  And listening.  Not only to me, but to Him.  I hope his voice is louder than mine.  

Or softer.  Whichever speaks to you, wherever you are at.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Pace.

It feels like old times to me this evening.  Old times in the sense that it's 12:34 and I am wide awake.  I accidentally fell asleep at 7:30p while putting HJ to bed.  (In case you don't know, HJ is the 3-year-old that I have the privilege of living with.)  I used to do that all the time when I first entered the recovery stage.  It seems like such a long time ago.

I spent much of this afternoon thinking about my pace of life.  Isn't your pace of life so important?  I was reflecting upon the many, many ways that I have been encouraged by HJ and her parents in the last months.  I don't know if I could have moved back to Milwaukee if it hadn't been for them.  Their ability to give of their time and energy in such a self-sacrificial way has been an example to me.  The transition back to this city has been difficult, but it has been good.  So much has changed in the last three months.  I mean, I really have only been back here for three months!

This is crazy to me.  Like when you are watching a movie in 1.5 speed, slow enough to hear everything, but fast enough that you feel like you are saving a few precious minutes of your life.  And then, you accidentally hit the wrong button, and the movie goes into slow motion.  So, you try to compensate by fast forwarding again, and you miss the entire scene.  Then you have to rewind it, and you're back where you started.

I feel like this is a picture of my life.  I remember clinging to every door jamb and table to walk to my room when I first moved in.  I remember spending countless nights sobbing in my bed, wondering if I would ever be able to do the things I was doing before I fell.  Without having to think about it.  I remember my first time leading worship at Redeemer Church and looking for a railing before I did.  I remember the first time that I felt like I was walking normally.  I remember when I first ran with the kids I get to take care of each day.

Today I didn't need the railing at church, and after having lunch with friends, I walked around the entire Milwaukee Zoo.   It was there that I realized what I was doing.  I was actually passing people as I walked.  I love walking quickly, and it was so surreal today to step back and realize what I was actually doing.

A lot can happen in three months, apparently.

People often ask me if my legs still hurt, and I'm not really sure if I give them a good answer.  I mean, sometimes my left foot hurts, and sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes I push myself really hard, and I'm fine.  Sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I don't push myself very hard at all, and my foot hurts.  It's weird.  I don't really feel like the weather changes anything, but maybe it does.  Who knows.  The gas station man down the street thinks I'm crazy because some days I'll pop in, and I practically run up to him to get my free Brewer's ticket stamp.  Other times I limp in.  He said to me yesterday, "I thought your foot was better!?"  I showed him a flip flop and said, "Bad choice of shoes today."  Then I left.  He thinks I'm nuts, I tell you.  I am, for wearing flip flops.

I do not pace myself very well.  And then there are paces of life that I cannot control.  Fall is quickly upon us.  School starts for my sisters this week; they are Juniors in HS this year.  The other sister is back in Texas.  I start a new job a week from tomorrow.  I look at my life, and I wonder how on earth I got here.  It feels very surreal to be entering another season, especially when that season is fall.  It's almost ten months since I fell.

I miss writing in this little blog everyday.  I miss the pace of life that I had when I set aside time each day to spend communing with the Lord, reflecting on where I was in each moment.  I find that where I thought I would continue, I have not.  I haven't journaled in what feels like weeks.  I confess that I have not spent enough time communing with the Lord on a regular basis.

I came across this passage tonight, from the tail end of Romans 8:

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?...Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  No... For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  

As you and I enter into this new day, this new season, may we commit our pace to this Christ Jesus.  May everything that we say and do revolve around His love for us and for all people.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Up.

Guess what?  

I'm still awake.  I have no clue what has gotten into me, but I am feeling particularly feisty right now.  Something happens to me after 11:35pm.  I feel like I can talk forever.  I think it will just be so great to never have to go to sleep.  I'm really looking forward to heaven.  And talking there.  And speaking in every single language by speaking in one.  Laughter is what I call it now, but there it will be perpetual and never-ending and I can make up words and talk with run-on sentences, and my conversation with Jesus will never end.  I hope I can make him laugh.

I had a doctor's appointment today with Supermarks.  My doctor cracks me up.  He wears the cheesiest, coolest ties in the world, and he totally pulls them off.  I remember every one of them.  Today it was bright pink plaid with a hint of clownishness to it.  He has a firm handshake, and I feel like he's telling me the truth, even when I know he's withholding information behind smiling eyes.  For instance, this morning his assistant told me that I had arthritis developing in my left foot (which, frustratingly, surprised nobody but me.  I don't want pity, but I felt like, "Why did everyone but me know this was going to happen this soon?").  He didn't say anything about it at all until I mentioned it, so it must not be a big deal.  Someone asked me today, "So, what can you do about it?"  I was like, "Not eat red meat."

That's where I'm at.  I am no longer to eat red meat, and I am to consume Calcium and Vitamin C like a ravenous herbivore.  Just call me Brontosaurus.  I found Kale at Woodman's tonight for $.79 cents.  Cha-ching!  Let's you and me use it to star in Arthassic Park.  Our Kale can be a long-extinct species of plant that we find while foraging next to Alan & Ellie.  Then we can morph into Power Rangers and steal their Jeep.  Singing the Darkwing Duck theme song.
 
Speaking of Darkwing Duck, I joined a gym.  *sigh*  Selfishly and oh-so-pridefully, I hate admitting it.  All my life I have felt like working out is for losers.  (Sorry.)  I've always been just a little bit fat, and I've mostly always been okay with it.  My friend says being pudgy makes you approachable.  Secretly, this notion is what I have used to justify my flab for the last several years, but I have realized the error of my ways.  Being a little bit fat makes it a lot of bit hard to walk on an arthritic foot.  I have submitted to the fact that my body now stores 20 extra pounds post-beddom.  The saddest part is that everyone's first reply is, "Really?  You can't even tell!"  *insert gym membership joining here*  Yes, I've said it, my weight has gone up by 20 stupid numbers, and I look the same as I did October 30th.

So.  Moving on.  There is this magical machine called an, "eliptical" (not to be confused with "ellipse" or "moon shape" or "geometry"), and it has worked it's magicalness on my foot.  I'm finding that it is quite satisfying to do something that accelerates my heart rate, and to be able to do it quickly.  My foot is noticeably looser.  Imagine that!  Superwoman was right!  Poor woman.  She would be so disappointed that I wasn't doing my band exercises either.  I got in trouble for that today.  : /  I am also finding out as a gym member how self-absorbed and conscious I can be.  I walk into the gym and my first thought is, "Everybody is looking at me."  Which is stupid.  And untrue.  And extremely narcissistic.  Except for maybe when I look up and see someone gawking at the sexy red line down my right leg.  And the sexy sweat building up on my back after .35 miles.  I just mouth, "Shark attack", and they look away with wide eyes as they mouth, "Shark attack" to their running buddy.  Apparently, sharks these days have very straight teeth.  Little do they know that I was really kicked by a vicious kangaroo.  They have really sharp claw talons.

As I was sitting on my doctor bench today crinkling the toilet paper tissue paper printer paper mixture beneath my butt, telling part of my story (kangaroo included) to a doctor (in residency), I almost lost it.  The recent story of the man dying at the Ranger's game, (after falling 20 feet) kept floating around in my brain.  I can't imagine what his family is going through; he was trying to catch a baseball for his young son.  That was with him at the game.  I tried to explain to this doctor that I can't take any credit for the way that my legs and feet have healed.  I kept thinking: "I'm never going to see this man again, and I don't want to verbally vomit on him.  Should I try to explain to him that Jesus is the one that deserves it?"  The story of the girl my age falling down two stories and dying (the same weekend I fell) then snuck in.  He looked and looked and looked at my initial x-rays until he found a side view of my talus bone that I never seen before.  My initial reaction was: Yuck.  Then: Whoa.  It looks like a firework.  Then: Ouch.  Then:  Whoa.  Then, he looked at the fuzzy arthritis picture.  Me: It will be okay.  All I could do was look up to keep the tears from streaming down my face.  

This morning, as I waited in line to see my doctor, I looked out the 5th floor window of the hospital.  Over the entire stretch of the city, all the way to the Brewer's Stadium, there was a beautifully large storm...well...brewing.  Twenty feet of light seemed to peek through the clouds, right on the horizon, blazing through in all of its orange and red and purple glory like an artist had streaked a canvas with one brush stroke.  It seems a little silly to read so much into it, but it was overwhelmingly powerful to me.  I am blessed to be able to walk from the hospital to the parking garage, enjoying the rain drops on the way out.  I am truly thankful to be alive, even when so many storms brew over my head.  I am a reflection of the image of my Creator, and I am reminded of my need to stop.  To laugh.  To cry.  To take care of myself.  To reflect.  To praise Him for what he has done, what he is doing, and what he is yet to do.  To remember to look up.  

There's absolutely no way I can summarize this passage, or explain the truth it speaks to my heart.  I hope it's an encouragement to you, wherever you are at on your journey, friend. 

Psalm 111

Praise the LORD!
I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart,
In the company of the upright and in the assembly.
Great are the works of the LORD;
They are studied by all who delight in them.
Splendid and majestic is His work,
And His righteousness endures forever.
 

He has made His wonders to be remembered;
The LORD is gracious and compassionate.


He has given food to those who fear Him;
He will remember His covenant forever.
He has made known to His people the power of His works,
In giving them the heritage of the nations.

The works of His hands are truth and justice;
All His precepts are sure.  

They are upheld forever and ever;
They are performed in truth and uprightness. 

He has sent redemption to His people;
He has ordained His covenant forever;
Holy and awesome is His name.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;
A good understanding have all those who do His commandments;
His praise endures forever.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Okay.

Soooo.  Long time no see.  Er...talk.  Type.

I have been on hiatus for what feels like forever, but in all actuality, it's only been a month since I have rambled in this space.  *insert sigh*  First of all, can I just say that God is so good to me?  God is so good to me.  He is, He is, He is.  And if you don't believe me, ask the dishes.  : )  I'm going to get you up to speed in a short run-down of the life of Catie Wollard, (remember: Meyers-Briggs "ENFeelingP"), in the last month:

Week One back in Milwaukee:  Separation anxiety from parents, entered honeymoon phase of living in Milwaukee again.  With the best housemates ever.  It's called bittersweet.  Bitter and sweet.  HJ is still my bestie.  Thank goodness.  Started taking a Trinity class at Elmbrook Church called, "The Art and Practice of Spiritual Leadership"... I ended up there by "accident", and I "LOVE" it because God has a "sense of humor".  And he is very gentle with my oh-so-sensitive heart.  No physical therapy due to a hiccup with what I like to call "The Cool Company."  Funnest (and yes, that's a word) bridal shower ever with one of the most beautiful brides-to-be.  I have the honor of being a maid this summer for her.  ; )  The best part is, I get to walk down the aisle.

Week Two:  Started subbing for the school district that I live in.  Super hard, and super great.  It felt so good to work again.  And see/teach/laugh with kids.  And make money.  In that order.  Which had kinda been a long time coming.  This was the week I finally started telling people I had moved back to MKE.  You know, cause I'm a jerk like that.

Week Three:  Subbed every day of the week, and still loved it.  Saw the students I did my student teaching with, and saw how they had all grown at least 6 inches.  Seriously.  By the way, I turn 25 in eight months. 

Week Four:  Started nannying for the COOLEST family in the entire world!  (After my own, of course.)  I get to swim, bike ride, and explore with three stinkin' awesome kiddos in Wisconsin.  Still plugging along in my class, and still having dinner with new people all the time.  I haven't yet seen everyone I want to see since being back, but I know it will come with time.

So, yeah.  It's been a month.  I have transferred a lot of my thoughts over to my personal journal, and feel that the Lord is leading me through a time of solitude.  It's a different kind of solitude than the solitude I had while I was laying in bed because, while the excitement of being back in the Dairyland hasn't yet worn off, I have definitely found that I have entered a period of mourning.

I am most definitely in mourning.  And that is, I think, to be expected.  I went through phases of mourning over the last (get this: EIGHT) months, right?  I mean, pooping in your bed is legit.  As is falling out of your wheelchair.  Twice.  When it hurts to touch your toes.  But I always had to draw my focus back to healing well.  And God was totally faithful in this, no?  SO faithful to me.  He gave me so much insight into the work that he was to do, and I am STILL blown away by the Holy Spirit's ministry to my heart in those hours.  Sometimes in the minutes.  Now, I've sort of hit this plateau.  God is still faithful, and the Holy Spirit is still at work, but I'm still limping.  Literally and metaphorically.  I can walk (Yippee!), but I'm still limping.   I still feel much pain, but I don't need morphine.  I'm not lonely, but I need to be alone.

The word I use almost every week in my class is "tension".  I live in a big fat space of tension.  My professor, Lee Hayward, calls it, "living between the already and the not yet."  He uses this phrase to illustrate the tension that Christ-followers often feel; Jesus has already covered the cost of our sin, redeemed us, and made us whole, but we are not yet with him.  Super-insightful, eh?  What an awesome privilege it has been to be in this class.  (This is also another reason I haven't been blogging...I have this fear that I might accidentally plagiarize while processing my thoughts...)

I have used this phrase as a parallel in my own life, in so many other areas.  Already walking, not yet unnoticeably so.  Already released from watchful eyes (of SO many people), not yet ready to be alone.  Already going, not yet arrived.  Already being equipped, not yet brave enough to step out into a huge, huge space.

This is so abstract, and so hard to explain, but this is a huge way that you can pray for me right now.  This is a new season.  A bittersweet season.  Amazing and mind-blowing and a privilege on so many levels that I can't even begin to describe it to you.  And, my work is cut out for me.  Permanence has started to reach my brain, and my Lord is leading me, even still, through the great, wide, awesome, frustrating, hot, humid wilderness.

The beautiful thing about this is that God is moving in my life, and he continues to show me that I don't need all of the answers.  I need him.

Psalm 131:
"My heart is not proud, LORD,
   my eyes are not haughty; 
I do not concern myself with great matters
   or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
   I am like a weaned child with its mother;
   like a weaned child I am content.
 Israel, put your hope in the LORD
   both now and forevermore."

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Overdue.

I stopped by the W.A. Library to pay my library fines.  Don't ask me how I remembered the fact that I owed money to the library for six months, but I knew.  In the back of my head, I knew it was under five bucks, but part of me wondered if it was an obscene amount...like the 30 I had to pay for late movies.  Don't rent movies from the library if you ever forget anything.  Ever.

This week has been full of little things like that.  Paying library fines, hanging pictures up on my wall with little 3M strips, calling my old workplace, grocery shopping... Some people call it "settling in", but I don't like to use the word "settle" because I don't want it to seem like I'm just settling.  For this house, for Milwaukee, or just nestling down into a giant pile of sticks and straw.  Does that make sense?  I'm not settling.  Snuggling into my giant nest is what I've been doing for the last six months, and I'm quite ready to migrate across the Atlantic Ocean, if you know what I mean.  Technically speaking, I'm gearing up for the next three weeks/three months, and they're gonna be huge.  Maybe that's why my body has decided to pack on a few pounds...you know, for the figurative "winter flight", if you will.

My blog post is also way over-due, and I apologize to those of you who had asked me how my doctor's appointment went.  Here's how the visit went down:  I got there (by myself!) 12 minutes late because I forgot to account for the fact that I always always always get lost in this area.  And I forgot about the the fact that I now move at the pace of a turtle.  I knew that going into it, but for some reason I just forgot to live it out as I was planning my time allotment.  (Major mind adjustments have to made, my friends.  Major adjustments.  I'm a last-minute type of girl, and this pace might be the end of me.)

I got there and apologized to the secretary for being late (shouldn't have opened my mouth), and she was like, "Oh, well Dr. Marks is very picky about his patients being on time...how late are you?"

*sheepishy* "Well, about 15 minutes."

"Oh, that's okay, you should be fine."

Thank goodness.

I was able to hop right up onto the x-ray stairs (which was a big deal), and didn't have to have any re-takes (also a big deal).  Got into his office, and his assistant came in to chat.  Apparently, arthritis can kick in any day now, which I didn't realize.  My left foot is especially at risk, but my right one is too, which I also didn't realize.  So, that was iffy news, but I'm not that worried about it.  What will come will come, and I am going to try to live my life to the fullest in the meantime.

As a side note, I think it is really easy for me to fall into the thinking trap of only living my life until the arthritis comes.  Like I have to wait for it to get here.  But that's a lie.  I am SO thankful that I am able to be up and walking around, and I can't live in fear of future pain.  I think that is such a huge life lesson for me.  Don't live in fear of future pain.

The doc came in a little bit later, and had nothing but good things to say about how things are healing.  I no longer have to use the bone stim, and I am out of my boot!!  Whoot whoot!  My new walking contraption looks like this:



Pretty sweet, huh?  I think it's a little quasi-Forest Gump, but whatev.  It works.

Here's the best part of the entire day.  So, right before Superman walks out of the office, he turns and he says to me, "You know, Catie, your bones should not look this good."

I had nothing to say at first.  It wasn't me.  I was not the one that expertly knit my bones back together, or designed the human body for the capacity to send cells to repair broken things.  All I could say to him was thank you for doing such an amazing job on helping my body to heal to the best of its ability, and give God the credit for doing the healing work.

Man.  I took the elevator downstairs, and just started sobbing as I was walking out of the hospital.  I saw glimpses of what had happened in the same exact steps and spaces in the last six months:  I saw my dad walking beside me as I tried to figure out how to use crutches, and then I saw him farting around with them while we waited for our van, trying to make me feel better about feeling like an oaf.  Then I saw my feet up in the air on the wheelchair, my gigantic toes purple and swollen.  I remembered when I had to pee so bad, and they had to lift me onto the toilet.  I felt my mom pushing me out the door into the chilly air, and I saw them both lifting me up into our van.  I remember wondering what my life was going to be like after I was up and walking again.

And there I was.  Walking out of the hospital.  By myself.

As I was waiting for the nice valet men to bring my car around, a woman started talking to me about her injuries.  She had gone through chemotherapy several years back, and as a result, her bones were very fragile; as a result, she had broken several of them in strange, little accidents.  She was in a lot of pain, and she struggled just to stand.  She had two walking sticks with her, and really sweet old-people shades covering her eyes and streaky auburn hair.  As we were talking about what things that she had gone through, and things she was about to go through, she said something along the lines of, "That is what life is about.  Living it to the full."

I could not have agreed with her more.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Continue.

Night two in Milwaukee.  I wish I could concoct some sort of nighttime National Geographic scene like the amazing Steve Erwin, but my imagination is asleep.  My eyes will be momentarily.  My imagination was well-spent today though with a pretty energetic three-year-old named HJ.  I missed her cherub cheeks and crazy-bright blue eyes.

I am so thankful for another warm bed, gas in my tank, food in my fridge, and clothes in my closet.  God has provided so much for me, and I do not take it lightly.  I say this all the time, but I will not stop saying it; God has been good to me.  What I am most thankful for is a family that misses me, and one that is glad to have me back.  My house family always helps me carry all of my junk in without making me feel bad, and my genetic family carried it out without making me feel bad.  I am deeply, deeply blessed.

Tomorrow will be my first doctor's appointment in two months.  Yup.  I'm pretty nervous.  Hopefully, I'll get the go-ahead for shoe-wearing on my left foot, and I'll officially be in business.  The walking business, that is.

I have been thinking about this verse all week:

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
   therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
   Blessed are all who wait for him!"
- Isaiah 30:18

Lord, I thank you for your grace, your compassion, your justice, and your timing.  They are each perfect.  Thank you for teaching day by day, hour by hour.  Thank you for extending yourself to me, a Gentile.  Help us to continue to wait on you.  Amen.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Official.

Today is officially April 30th. 
Kate Middleton and Price William are officially married.
I watched.  And I have no shame.

So, because it is the last day in April, it has officially been six months since I broke my fibula, my tibia, and my talus.  Tonight is officially my last night as a resident of both my household and my state.  Illinois, you have been good to me.  Family, so have you.

I officially graduated from physical therapy.  It was my last appointment with Superwoman; I'm going to miss her and that office.  And the pool.

When Moses was freaking out about being sent back to Egypt to, well, basically take all of its free labor away from his sort-of brother:

"God got angry with Moses: "Don't you have a brother, Aaron the Levite? He's good with words, I know he is. He speaks very well. In fact, at this very moment he's on his way to meet you. When he sees you he's going to be glad. You'll speak to him and tell him what to say.

I'll be right there with you as you speak and with him as he speaks, teaching you step by step..."

I love that.  Step by step.  On top of teaching me step by step, I feel like God has actually stepped in for me over the last sixth months; none of what has been accomplished has been of my own ability, attitude, or desire.  It is his disposition that became mine.  He has been so good to me.  Titus 3:3 says,

"But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that.  It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it."

God is officially good.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Small.

I am writing obscenely late this evening because I came waltzing into my home around 11:30pm...the latest I've been out in about a year.  Which is freaky.  Anyway, I spent the evening in the home of, we'll call them, the Dan & Cole Berto.  My small group spent time together in their house, and I was so blessed by the fact that, at the end, they all stopped to pray for me.

Can I just say what a blessing it is to be a part of the God's community?  I mean, not to go into church-pushing mode, but if you aren't a part of some sort of small group of people that know you and that encourage you on your journey with God, know that I am praying for you.  One, that you. would want such a thing, and that two, you can find such a thing.  It is, unfortunately, very rare.  I feel so privileged to have rubbed shoulders with so many young adults that love Jesus, and that want to know him more.

Sometimes I think that expect God to show himself to me in some "big" way.  As a human, I get wrapped up in mysticism and emotion.  That's why I love reading some of my old entries, and recounting things that I have seen; God moves in the small, humble moments.  It is there that we learn the most, and it is there that we become more like him.  I want to encounter God in those small, day by day, often really unexpected & sometimes invisible moments. I desire a greater sensitivity to his voice & to his movement, but I long to be strong of heart and of mind.  I need vision, yet I need humility.  God, please make me small.

Have you ever heard the prayer, "Lord may you increase, and may I decrease"?

I love it. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sigh.

I never realized how much I sigh until someone recently pointed it out to me.  I was first made aware of this strange pattern in my breathing when it was eerily quiet during my driver's test (ahem...8 years ago) and all I could think of was to sigh.  Ever since then I have done a good deal of it, but I forget I'm even doing it.

Just sighed again.

What is with me?  I'm like a love-sick spinster relentlessly pouring through Jane Austen videos in my pajamas, eating Kettle Corn popcorn.  Not that I ever do that...

I think it has something to do with the fact that, in three days, I am moving out of my parents house.  For the second time.  I am going to miss them so much.  Some days I seriously feel like an eight year old clinging to what is safe and warm.  We've been through a heck of a lot together, and it really boils down to the fact that I don't know how to thank them.  I mean, seriously, I cry every time I stop and reflect on what they have done for me in the last six months; thanks feels so inexpressible. 

Sometimes this is how I feel with God too.  I have no words.  No words can express my thanks.  My awe.  My love.  My curiosity.  My feelings.  David feels the same thing in Psalm 119.  I think it is going to be a Psalm that I reflect on in the coming months - it is chock-FULL of really awesome insights, and super-relatable.  Read through a few paragraphs if you have time:  http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+119&version=MSG
  
..."Oh, that my steps might be steady,
      keeping to the course you set;
   Then I'd never have any regrets
      in comparing my life with your counsel.
   I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;
      I learn the pattern of your righteous ways.
   I'm going to do what you tell me to do;
      don't ever walk off and leave me...
I shiver in awe before you;
      your decisions leave me speechless with reverence."

Monday, April 25, 2011

Habits.

You know, old habits die hard.  Really, they do.

Today was my first time standing up in a shower.  Whoot whoot!  I have tried it several times before, but (at night) my left foot is killing me.  It gets really sore, and I haven't been icing it like I should be.  So, popping a squat has become a routine.  I am week out from my first doctor's appointment in two months, and I can't wait to hear what he has to say. I'm moving back to Milwaukee!  You can't tell him this, but I wore a shoe on my left foot all day today!  (I'm not supposed to until the next appointment... ; )

It's so funny because I can't believe that there are still "firsts" coming my way.  It's been nearly six months!  Can you believe it?! 

I keep thinking about how my old habits in Milwaukee are going to be challenged in the coming months.  In many ways I think that the upcoming weeks are going to be one of the hardest parts of this journey.  I have already caught myself trying to do everything that I was doing before I fell, but I soon realized that I can't.  I mean, I really can't leave the house after 7p because when I come home my foot will be throbbing.  I can't walk as fast as I used to, and I'm going to have to slow way down.  Which is hard because I'm the kind of person that like to cram something into every available second of the day...almost to a fault. 

My habits will slowly change, and I am quite excited about this.  I've mentioned the book "Praise Habit" by David Crowder before, as I've been reading it off and on in the last few months.  I love the beginning of the book where it says:

"What if we were so moved by who God is, what He's done, what He will do, that praise, adoration, worship, whatever, continuously careened in our heads and pounded in our souls? What if praise were on the tip of our tongues like we were a loaded weapon in the hands of a trigger-happy meth addict and every moment might just set us off? This is what we will do for eternity.

What makes us think our time on earth should be any different? What keeps it from being so?"

I want my habits to change for the better.  And I think that the praise, adoration, and worship that he's talking about looks differently for everyone.  And sometimes the same too.  But what I am looking forward to is seeing the ways that God uses my new-found pace.  I think it is going to be a very good thing.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Done.

I got to thinking today about how crazy-awesome it is to be able to worship freely, and in spaces where we don't feel like life is in danger.  Today was a very special day within the church, for so many different reasons...some I can't even comprehend.  I think that it is just recently that I have started to realize what it actually means and looks like for Jesus to be alive today.  I never really got it, and in many ways I still don't.  It will take a lifetime for me to understand Jesus.  And then some.

Today, during the celebration at my church, this little song popped into my head.  It had nothing to do with what we were talking about or what we were singing, but the word "we" popped into my head.  It is a song by the David Crowder Band (a great one if you've never heard them. YouTube "Everything Glorious" or "How He Loves" if you get a chance.)

Anyway, I want to share the lyrics with you.

Come and listen, come to the water's edge, all you who know and fear the Lord.
Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.

Let me tell you what He has done for me.
Let me tell you what He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.

Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.

He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

What I love about this song is that he uses the words "me", "you", and "us" - I just think that is so important.  The other word that I couldn't stop thinking about this morning was "done".  So much has been done for me and for you.  And, I love the word "done" because there is a sense of completeness that one feels after saying it.  It's done.  Not check-off-the-list style done, but a "I can't pay you back the money I owe you right now" "It's done.  I've got you covered, don't worry about it." kind of done.  Jesus died to cover the cost of my life's greatest mistakes and follies, and it's done.  I have surrendered all of those things over to him, and I don't have to go back to them ever again.  It's done.

What a great day it was; a time to recount what has been done for me. 
For us.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Life.

Is short.
Is a gift.
Is to be lived!


You know what I realized tonight?  I never really expected to live past 30.  Seriously.  I think that all my life I have somehow managed to suppress my thoughts about life past 30.  Part of the reason is denial.  And, probably a lack of desire to assume responsibility.  And the junk that comes with old age.  Let's just be honest here.  I've got this denial thing down.

But, the other part of it is that Jesus only lived to that age.  Half of my life has been spent knowing him, and wanting to know him more, wanting to be exactly like him.  The other half was spent thirsty for him, lost and filled with guilt.  I guess I have just always thought, "Well, if it worked for Jesus, it works for me."

Now all of this may be an over-share.  I understand if you think it's sort of a morbid way to look at life, but I really didn't realize it until tonight; this has been my way of (really hidden) thinking. 

But Jesus did not come to offer me death at the age of 30.

"While he was saying this, a synagogue leader came and knelt before him and said, “My daughter has just died. But come and put your hand on her, and she will live.” Jesus got up and went with him, and so did his disciples.

Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak.  She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.”
Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.

When Jesus entered the synagogue leader’s house and saw the noisy crowd and people playing pipes, he said, “Go away. The girl is not dead but asleep.” But they laughed at him. After the crowd had been put outside, he went in and took the girl by the hand, and she got up.  News of this spread through all that region."   - Matthew 9:18-26

Okay.  So, there's a few things that I found in this passage tonight.  One, I am amazed at the faith of the synagogue leader.  He often gets forgotten in my mind.  I mean, I'm pretty sure that most Jewish synagogue leaders wouldn't be caught dead asking Jesus for help.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that most of them wanted him dead.  I'm pretty sure they got what they wanted, actually.  For a few days anyway... Jesus doesn't bat an eyelash at this plea, even though I'm sure his stomach was rumbling: no one had stopped questioning him at Matthew's dinner.  (P.S. - Why do you think his disciples went with him?)

Two, this line:  "Jesus turned and saw her."  Ahhhhh!  It's my favorite!  Jesus turned and saw her.  And you know, I'm pretty sure that he didn't just "see" her see her; he saw her.  Like penetrating through every wall that she had ever built, seeing the needs she didn't even know she had, seeing her entire past & entire future flash before his eyes.  And loving her anyway.

Then.  My other favorite part.  "Take heart, daughter...your faith has healed you."

Oh man.  I love the language.  Take heart.  Daughter.  Faith & healing.  They are not just happy-sounding words that I am throwing around on the internet.  They mean something to me.  They are the truth!  I just want to shout at the top of my lungs, on the cliff of my heart (like Ricola cough drop style), "TAKE HEART, CATIE!"  Sometimes my heart feels so weak.  I can totally relate to that woman, and being subject to pain for 12 years.  (As of this summer, I will officially have spent 12 years with Jesus, and 12 without.)

Today, I helped my beautiful grandmother set her dining room table for our Easter dinner.  For the first time, we didn't have to reconfigure the furniture so my wheelchair would fit.  I didn't make like circles in the carpet with my crutches.  I didn't have to ask for things to be delivered to me every 30.4 seconds.  I drove there even.  I have seen healing.  And do you know what?  It is only by my faith in Jesus Christ that I have been healed.  (And I have been healed in more ways than one.)

When I say that, I am afraid that you will laugh.  Or roll your eyes, or whatever.  But I mean it.  What Jesus teaches me at the end of that passage was that I need not be afraid of others reactions.  It is the truth.  He sets the perfect example by not letting the doubt and fear (laughter) of the people around him stop him from walking up to that little girl, taking her by the hand, and giving her new life.

I am forever thankful that He is still alive to do the same for me.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Death.

"And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross." - Phillipians 2:8
Today was a Good Friday.  I found it quite fitting that today was the day that we remember the death of Jesus, yet we celebrate the life of the earth.  I am so thankful that Jesus' death meant new life and redemption for all who choose it.  Good Friday and Earth Day; not really equally weighted in my mind, but deeply symbolic. 

Other.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of servant, being made in human likeness."

Phillipians 2:3-7

This is my prayer.  It is a hard prayer to pray, for it brings with it humility and lowliness.  But it is good.  I am sad that selflessness does not come more easily to me.  I am constantly having to draw back to Jesus' example; I am so thankful that He allows us to imitate him.  He teaches us what it means to be more like him.  To think outside of our own agendas.  To look to others needs first, and to serve in love.  My hope is that I become less and less as he becomes more and more a part of my life.  To him be all the glory! 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Emotion.

I was watching Gone With the Wind tonight until my internet connection slowed, and I took it as a sign that I need to go to bed.  I had a sufficient amount of time in watching it though to rekindle my love for Clark Gable.  Oh, what a man.  He's kind of a jerk, but deep down he has a good heart.

Anyway, as I was watching, I saw a little plaque in the movie that said, "Do not squander away time.  That is the stuff life is made of."

I spent the last few days in the Milwaukee (and Madison) area, and returned to the flatland yesterday.  There is so much running through my brain: excitement, anxiety, curiosity...it is a complete salad bowl of emotions.  I am ever-thankful for my friends and family that are willing to walk alongside of me as I make this next transition in my journey, and I can't stop thinking about the idea of time. I am so so so thankful for the last (almost) six months, and I am thankful for the ways that God allowed me to use my time. 

It is quite tempting for me to shove all of the different emotions I'm feeling aside, and just keep trucking along, but I don't think that this is what God wants from us.  I beat myself up sometimes because I am a deeply emotional person, but I forget that this is how God hard-wired me.  Not everyone is as emotional as me, but everyone feels.  I mean, Jesus cried.

We read that verse as a family tonight (and if you haven't...John 11:35 is where Jesus cries because one of his friends has died.  He was moved by the way the people around him responded.)  Jesus was an emotional dude.  Sometimes I think we picture him as a happy-go-lucky man that floats around from town to town in his clean Birkenstocks and clean white robe.  He got upset!  I'm sure he missed his family.  He wasn't excited to be crucified and humiliated.  And he allowed himself to feel all of those emotions.  I'm so thankful for this because it helps me to feel my own.

This week is a holy (set apart) week.  Not just because people call it "Holy week", but because it is set apart.  So many things happened in Jesus' life, so many emotions were running through his mind this week.  I pray that you and I make time to sit and feel them as he did.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Forgive.

 Matthew.  Oh Matthew. 
Where would we be without you?
I just rhymed. 

"The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin were looking for false evidence against Jesus so that they could put him to death.  But they did not find any, though many false witnesses came forward.  Finally two came forward and declared, “This fellow said, ‘I am able to destroy the temple of God and rebuild it in three days.’”

Then the high priest stood up and said to Jesus, “Are you not going to answer? What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you?”

But Jesus remained silent. 

The high priest said to him, “I charge you under oath by the living God: Tell us if you are the Messiah, the Son of God.”

“You have said so,” Jesus replied. “But I say to all of you: From now on you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven.”

Then the high priest tore his clothes and said, “He has spoken blasphemy! Why do we need any more witnesses? Look, now you have heard the blasphemy. What do you think?”  “He is worthy of death,” they answered.  Then they spit in his face and struck him with their fists. Others slapped him and said, “Prophesy to us, Messiah. Who hit you?"  - Matthew 26:59-68

Tonight (at my very last Small Group Bible Study in Illinois) we talked about the topic of forgiveness.  I couldn't get this passage out of my mind all night.  First of all, may I just say that the Pharisees are such drama queens.  Man.  Tearing robes and freakin' out.  Get over yourselves. 

That's what I would say.

Second of all, the smallest sentence drives me absolutely crazy.  "But Jesus remained silent."  When I first read that verse (many years ago) I wanted to go to Jesus and say, "Why?", "Why didn't you show them?"  My questions later turned to frustration..."JESUS!!!  Why didn't you do something?!"  And then I learned that Jesus doesn't work the way I do.  He doesn't "show them" at any point in the Bible.  He demonstrates his compassion & his power, but he does so in humility and without apology. 

Third, he allowed people to spit.  On him.  In his face.  As they proceeded to strike him.  Multiple times.  Then he allows them to taunt him endlessly.  I mean, I'm pretty sure that people were saying a whole lot more than, "Who hit you?"  I don't know any Hebrew or Aramaic cuss words, but they're out there, peeps.  Swearing is universal.  There had to be yelling and laughing and cackling and a whole lot of other "jokes" too.  Glances between the Pharisees as if to say, "We've got him now."  Abandonment by everyone who claimed loyalty.  Extreme chaos, and complete loss of control.

This is what we talked about tonight: what it means to forgive others.  I am so thankful that Jesus so magnificently models forgiveness for me in this passage.  Because, you know what?  I would have botched it all up.  I would have been calling down all of the angels, and recreated a scene from some gorey movie that I don't even want to think about.

Power does not look the same in the Kingdom of God as it does on the earth.  It means something different by Jesus' definition.  He had forgiven the people around him that were doing all of those things to him before they had even asked.  Man.  It feels so counter-intuitive.  But Jesus led the way, and he enables us to do the same.

I am still working on what it means to forgive myself, let alone others, but I am thankful that Jesus shows me how.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Seriously.

Holy. Cow.  It is April 13th.  Seriously?  Seriously.  It's April 13th!  I can't get over how fast time is going by!  I mean, I know people say that all of the time, but seriously!  It's flying by!  Even in the week it's been since I've last written, so much has happened.  An impromptu visit to my AUNT GAYLE'S house in Dallas, Texas with my sister J. & my other sister Bowgirl...and I'm still alive!  First week fully weight bearing & I made it across the country.  I'm pretty sure that this year is going to be full of big things.  I mean, walking (in shoes, which means minus a boot) will be here before I know it!  (T-minus two weeks, and counting...)

I am blown away.

Seriously.  Every day I walk down (and up) the ramp in my garage and I think, "Whoa.  Did I really have to ride in a wheelchair down this sucker?" or, at night when I turn over on my side to fall asleep, "Man, I can't believe how good this feels."  Flying.  Driving.  Walking.  Shopping.  Swimming.  Bike riding.  Eatingatthetableing.  All these "ings"!  So much is happening at one time.  It's like the millions of daffodils popping up in my neighborhood right now.

Tonight, I was reading a letter from a friend from high school, and I got to thinking about Jeremiah 29:11.  My sister, J., recommends the verse highly - I love it too, but to me it has lost so of its meaning.  I have heard it so much that I have started to forget what it means to me.  It's sort of the verse that a lot of people use for "graduation/times of transition/don't be afraid" cards.  Don't get me wrong, I have appreciated the many times that people have spoken this verse to me, but my ears have not been very good at listening to its message in recent years.

So, tonight, I read it in context.  The funny part is that a few verses before my deaf-eared verse, I found something that I heard for the first time a couple of weeks ago that greatly challenged my thinking:

This is the Message from God-of-the-Angel-Armies, Israel's God, to all the exiles I've taken from Jerusalem to Babylon:

"Build houses and make yourselves at home. Put in gardens and eat what grows in that country. Marry and have children. Encourage your children to marry and have children so that you'll thrive in that country and not waste away. Make yourselves at home there and work for the country's welfare. Pray for Babylon's well-being. If things go well for Babylon, things will go well for you.

Yes. Believe it or not, this is the Message from God-of-the-Angel-Armies, Israel's God: "Don't let all those so-called preachers and know-it-alls who are all over the place there take you in with their lies. Don't pay any attention to the fantasies they keep coming up with to please you. They're a bunch of liars preaching lies—and claiming I sent them! I never sent them, believe me." God's Decree!

This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." 

God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you. I'll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you"—God's Decree—"bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.  Jeremiah 29:4-14

So of you may know Jeremiah 29:11 better this way: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I love the "believe it or not" part.  Ha ha, like the people Jeremiah was talking to were shocked too.  (Can you see their mouths agape?)...It makes me feel better.  I understand that there is a season for thriving and prospering (and I'm not sure I completely understand the context of this passage...there are times of extreme discomfort as well...), but to hear God say it?  Whoa.  (Why is that surprising to me?)  When I think about the concept of time, and I think about where God has brought me from & what he has brought me through, I stand amazed.  Through the painful times.  Through the sun-filled Spring.  Through the questions and frustrations.  Through the poop.  Literally.  Through the pain, and through the fun.  I can count on God.  The language of God is so wonderful to me; he is so good to us.  His declarations give me goosebumps.

I encourage you, that wherever you are on your faith journey, that you get serious about finding God.  And I don't just say "finding God" in some super-spiritual way; I mean seek after him like you are pursuing a hidden treasure.  You will never be able to figure him out, but start trying.  Explore.  (Read.)  Ask questions. (Pray)  Be still.  (Listen.)  Seek after him!  Like you are a nine-year old trying to catch a frog.  Like your dream of piloting an airplane is dangling two inches from your face.  Like you are about to scratch off a winning lottery ticket.

You will not be disappointed.