His name is Henri J. M. Nouwen. He is a Catholic priest that wrote the book, "Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life", and I'm in love. I mean, we can't ever get married because of that whole "vow of celibacy" thing. And he died in 1996. But why should that stop me? My love for him will transcend time. : )
On being "in the desert"...
"Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into fruitful solitude. To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of strong faith. This requires not only courage, but strong faith. As hard as it is to believe that the dry desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty."
I find myself, once again, asking that same 'ol familiar question:
Do I really trust Jesus with my future?
He has never failed me. Never. He has walked with me through the peaks and valleys of this journey, and he has never left my side. He sticks up for me, and protects me from harm. He has forgiven me innumerable times, and paid the debt which I owed. He has revealed so much truth to me, and has captivated my heart & my attention. Everything in me screams, "YES!!!", but my body is still. My legs are weak. I have become quite good at running away from loneliness, and as such, I lose heart too easily. I am ashamed to admit that after four life-changing months, I still lack courage.
And yet. There is hope.
Look at the beauty of the desert flower:
Courageous, are they not?
Thomas Merton said, "I have the immense joy of being man, a member of a race in which God Himself became incarnate. As if the sorrows and stupidities of the human condition could overwhelm me, now I realize what we all are. And if only everybody could realize this! But it cannot be explained. There is no way of telling people that they are walking around shining like the sun...There are not strangers!"
Another appealing thing about Nouwen: he quotes Merton a lot.
"Those who do not run away from our pains but touch them with compassion bring healing and new strength. The paradox indeed is that the beginning of healing is in the solidarity with the pain. In our solution-oriented society it is more important than ever to realize that wanting to alleviate pain without sharing it is like wanted to save a child from a burning house without the risk of being hurt. It is in solitude that this compassionate solidarity takes is shape."
I don't know if it's because I feel my time at home/in Illinois/as a woman unable to fully walk is coming to a close, or if it's because I think I know when I'll be moving back to Milwaukee, or if it's because of the transition in my thinking, or if it's because of a really awesome sermon last Sunday on "bearing each others burdens", or if it's an avalanche of emotions after a great small group time tonight, but I have to start saying thank you now. I'm running out of time; the snowball is so big! I have to continue to thank those of you who were willing to bear my burdens, and the burdens of my family. Thank you for sharing my pain & my joy. I know that not all of you will even read this, but thank you for demonstrating hospitality and compassion not only with your lips, but with your lives.
"Do not run, but be quiet and silent. Listen attentively to your own struggle. The answer to your question is hidden in your own heart." Holy Spirit, I tune my ears to your voice; help me to hear your still soft whisper even as I continue to wander in the desert. Thank you for hiding in my heart.
