The Grinch was on tonight, and I've decided that I have Grinch-like tendencies. This morning my friend left to head back to Racine, my three younger sisters went on an outing with my aunt & eventually my dad headed to word. It was just me and the momma, which I always enjoy. I mean, come on! It's Christmas Eve Eve! Whoo hoo!! But, instead, I gave in to my mopey side. I was left at home, and I had to schedule my physical therapy appointment. "Poor me", right? No. It's not that bad, but it put me in a grumpy mood nonetheless. To make matters worse, I keep forgetting to take my nerve medication, and it really affects how I feel. More than I think, I think. I'm setting three alarms tomorrow.
Anyway. Back to talking about movies (which is becoming sort of a trend. I'm so torn about watching so many movies, I love them, but they are a waste of time. There are so many other things that I could be doing, even when I'm doing other things while I watch them. But, as usual, I'm watching a movie this evening, and finding some connection to how I live my life.) The Grinch is a movie that never really sounds good to me, but it's a tradition. Once it's on, I'm hooin' and hawin' with the best of them, but there's just something that turns me off when I contemplate watching this movie!
Tonight, it struck me because I've never really paid that much attention to the part where his heart starts growing. Jim Carrey is so ridiculous. I'm always laughing so hard at the part where he says, "I'm leaking" (because he's crying) that I miss where he starts writhing in pain, and flopping around in the snow, making the most obscene faces. I realized tonight that THAT is me!
Here's how: Today, while I was scheduling my first physical therapy appointment, I became quite overwhelmed by the fact that I am going to have to regularly be around a lot of people again.. To be quite honest, I am really not looking forward to it. Frankly, I have enjoyed the solitude and rest that God has blessed me with, and I sort of feel like I have forgotten how to relate to people. The receptionist that I talked to wasn't the nicest chocolate-covered cherry in the box, but she wasn't hateful. People have jobs to do, I get that, but I was just overwhelmed.
"Okay. So, I need for you to give me a short description of how you got your injury."
(here's where I start to get annoyed...why do they need to know how it happened, and not what happened?)
"Well, I was rock climbing, I wasn't clipped in, and I fell 20 feet."
"OH MY GOSH! Well, that sure is a story! At least you didn't land on your head!"
giggles..."Why weren't you clipped in? Was it your fault?"
"Yes. I didn't clip myself in."
"Ooooooh, okay."
"What gym was it at?" blah blah blah
"Can you give me the name?" blah blah blah
"Do you have the address?" Lady, are you serious? No!
WHY DOES IT MATTER!?!? You, dear lady, are not my insurance person! You are my physical therapist scheduler!!!!!!!!! YOU DO NOT NEED THE WHOLE STORY!
Man. I was so annoyed. I don't know why. This lady was just doing her job - she was nice enough, and just curious. I'm used to telling my story over and over again, and I'm thankful to be able to tell it. Really, I am. It's just that at that moment, I didn't want to have to tell it. I really don't think any of the information I gave her is going to help my PT know how to treat my legs, but I went with it. I didn't really let on that I was annoyed, but inside I just wanted to cry.
This time of the year can bring a lot of negative emotions, right? It's such a joyful time - the birth of the Messiah! But, it seems to come with so much baggage. Frustration with family members, what may seem like excessive traveling, in the snow, unresolved conflict, discontentment with work looming overhead, lack of meaning or direction during a phase of life, answering questions to people you don't know, bitterness, fear, anxiety, insecurity...all of these things tempt us, don't they?
It's here that my Grinch scene starts to take place. I hit the ground, whining and writhing. "Grrrr. Gaaaahh, uuuugggghhhh." I realized how selfish I was being, and it's at that point that my heart starts to enlarge.
When God takes our hearts and grows them, molds them, shapes them, and stretches them, it is sometimes painful. Sometimes humiliating. Sometimes overwhelming. But, his hands are the only place where our hearts belong. He molds us to be like Jesus. And, man, I want to be like Jesus; in the form of a baby he was willing, humble, gentle & warm, even in the midst of a cold, dark, messy night.
