Circles.

I spent the night with my grandma last night (super fun), and I woke up this morning wondering where I was.  I know that this happens to everybody; you wake up in a place you don't normally sleep, in a sleepy stupor, and that's the first thing you think, "Huh?  Where am I?"  Then you realize, "Oh yeah. I'm _____." 

I sort of feel that same way about the fact that it is the last day of February.  It has officially been four months since I first began this journey in my life, and I can't believe it has been that long.  Four months!?  Part of me wonders where the heck time has gone, and part of me feels like, "Man, I can't wait to walk normally again."

Although, I do have to say that, and I'm happy to report, that the crutches and I have a much better working relationship.  It was definitely touch and go; I wasn't sure that we could be together much longer.  The best part is that I woke up this morning, strapped on my boots, (did not have to climb down any stairs!), and I started cracking up as I hobbled into the living room.  When I walk, I look down to make sure that where I plant my crutches isn't going to be someplace wet, wobbly, or worrisome; this morning as I looked down, I noticed a few circles in the carpet.  Then, as I worked my way closer to the living room I noticed a few more.  Then a few more.  I stopped, and I realized that there were circles EVERYWHERE in my grandmother's carpet.  They are from the bottom of my crutches!  Dozens and dozens of little imprints of where I had been the night before.  Apparently, everywhere. : )

As we were riding to the house last night on the way home from my sister's concert, my dad was showing me pictures of when they first got to the hospital to see me.  They were pictures that I hadn't seen yet, and I couldn't even believe what I saw.  More circles.  More reminders of where I started this crazy journey.  It's still so surreal to me that I broke my legs four months ago today.  What months they have been. 

"He has caused his wonders to be remembered; the LORD is gracious and compassionate."  -Psalm 111:4

Discipline.

Discipline is a word that I don't like.  And at the same time I do.  (I find it cool that the word "disciple" is tied quite closely to discipline.)  I'm not very disciplined in certain areas of my life, and I don't like that.  Therefore, I don't always like discipline.  The problem is that the Bible says that God disciplines those he loves.  This is, ultimately, a really great thing because God shapes us and changes us and molds us and makes us into new people.  But it doesn't always feel good.

There is this weird muscle in my leg that's growing back in the shape of a giant grapefruit.  It's bizarre - it literally looks like there is a piece of fruit inside of my leg.  It's mostly just swollen because, "Like, whoa, there's something, like, standing on me now."  And apparently my right leg is from California.  My left one is from Minnesota.

I was reminded this evening of what it means to endure hardships.  They come in every single shape and size - conversations that are hard to have, thoughts to be tamed, people that we have a hard time understanding, physical & emotional pain, hurting hearts, broken bones, mending muscles.  You name it.  But we are called to endure those hardships, not just pretend like they aren't there, or hide from them with our heads in the sand.  Or, like me, whine about them until they go away.  Or peppermint Jo-Jo's magically appear.  We are called to strength.  A strength that can only be found in Jesus. 

I found this verse by accident tonight, but I found it quite fitting for my flabby little legs.

"Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees." -Hebrews 12:12

Flabby little legs, don't give up.
Friends, don't give up.  It's so worth it.

A song for the road.  Or for your head while you are in bed...

Consuming Fire

There must be more than this,
O breath of God come breathe within,
There must be more than this,
Spirit of God we wait for You.

Fill us anew we pray.

Consuming fire fan into flame,
A passion for Your Name,
Spirit of God would You fall in this place,
Lord have Your way,
Lord have Your way with us.

Come like a rushing wind,
Clothe us with power from on high,
Now set the captives free,
Leave us abandoned to Your praise.

Lord let Your glory fall.

Stir it up in our hearts Lord,
A passion for Your Name.

Pool.

Yesterday was officially my first day of aquatic therapy!  I'll summarize it for you in six sentences:

1. I looked (and felt) like a three year old on noodles.

 2.  I got into the pool on a super-scary & super-wobbly lift.

3.  I walked on my left leg for the first time without a boot.

(Yes, it felt really weird, and I walked like a penguin.)

4.  I did, in fact, doggie paddle.

5.  I am really sore today.

(Warning: NEVER type "sore" into Google.)

6.  My wheelchair was sad that it couldn't get in too.

Feet.

Even though 40% technically means "Needs Improvement" in the school system, it was a significant number in my life today.  I officially placed 40% (like, 150 pounds at this point in the game...) of my weight on my left foot today.  And it was legal!  I have kind of been babying it for the last several weeks, but I bit the bullet, and decided to go for the gold today.  Not too bad.

You may think my thoughts on feet and shoes might be a little excessive, but I have been thinking a lot about them in the last few days.  I'm thankful that they are still intact, and that they work.  It was touch and go for a while...

Jesus has so much to say about what we do with our feet.  One of my favorites, (and one that I was reminding myself to practice this evening), comes from the book of John.  Which, by the way, is such a cool book.  If you've never really read the Bible, or you find yourself unable to understand it, or you used to read the Bible & now you can't remember the last time you cracked its dusty pages open, can I just encourage you to read the book of John?  It's somewhat towards the back...there's a table of contents in case you didn't know that already.

Many people know the story of Jesus' death, or parts of it anyway, (and you would be surprised how many people don't...) And many people know that he hung out with his peeps the night before he was taken in to start the whole (excruciating) process leading up to that death.  It's sometimes referred to as "The Last Supper".  We never did use the word "supper" in our house.  I think it's a weird word.  I like to call it His last dinner.

While they were eating, Jesus all of sudden gets up, takes off everything but his underwear, puts on a towel, and fills up a water basin.  He bends down to start washing his disciples' feet, starting with Peter, and Peter objects.  (I mean, it could be a little awkward, right?  It's hard to allow people to serve us in ways like that...)  Jesus replied with this:

“You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
 
 “No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”

 Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”

“Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”

Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.

 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them."

My first response when I met Jesus was the same as Peter's.  "No!  I don't want you to do that!  I'm not willing to let you see that part of my heart, Jesus."  It's crazy-hard to allow Jesus to penetrate into the deepest depths of our souls.  

I've talked in church about how, culturally, washing feet was important - people accumulated a lot of dust and dirt throughout the day in Jesus' day.  Guess they didn't know about socks and tennies then.  But what Jesus was doing in this passage was taking on the position of a servant.  One that would wash the feet of the very person who is responsible for the beginning of a grueling and painful process, ending in death!  Can you imagine?  There aren't a lot of people in my life that have hurt me badly, but the few that have hurt me have done a good job.  In more ways than I think I know right now.  But to be like Jesus means to forgive those people before they even say sorry, if they ever say sorry.  To be like Jesus means to place ourselves, literally, below other people, not caring what the world may think.  It can sometimes be difficult to serve others, and it can be difficult to allow others to serve us.  But it's important to do both.

And what do you think Peter understands later in his life?  After Jesus has died, and after he remembers those words spoken to him on that night?  I'm not entirely sure because I'm not telepathic & I don't think you can speak to dead people.  But, I do know that Peter describes a lot of what he knows in the two books he writes.  In the first chapter of his first book he writes this:

"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."  1 Peter 1:6-9

There has been little on this journey that I have been able to deem "suffering", but even when there was, is, and will be suffering, I am so thankful for the continued faithfulness of my Father.  May it all result in the praise, glory, and honor of Jesus Christ.

Shoes.

"If the shoe fits"..."Walk a mile in their shoes"..."Two things you can never have to many of: good friends & good shoes"

Dorothy.  Cinderella.  Jimmy.  (As in Jimmy Choo...)

People are semi-obsessed with shoes.  I mean, fifty years ago, I don't think people had (on average) as many pairs of shoes as we, both men and women, own today.  I guess we kind of always have been interested in shoes, but I think it used to be for functionality's sake.  Would you agree?  Except for maybe the Dutch.  Then again, I'm pretty sure they danced in those wooden shoes.  And I have no idea why women in China used to take pride in size -4 feet.  I mean, shoes do serve a very important purpose!  Snow boots keep our feet from getting too cold, flip flops are good for on-the-go...and the beach...tennis shoes are great for running, rain boots are for rain, loafers are for work?, wooden shoes are good for dancing, dress shoes are what you wear at a wedding...unless you are at the beach... the list goes on and on. 

Here are some of my favorites that I found on my 10-second Google search:

  Love Toms.  If you haven't heard of them, check it out at: http://www.toms.com/our-movement

I got to thinking tonight, (after walking on a shoe today for the first time in nearly four months), about the kind of shoes Jesus would have worn.  What do you think his feet looked like?  Where do you think he got his sandals?  Do you think there were different styles or levels of comfort?  Arch support?  Did he have people in his own household that would ever wash his feet? 

We know that he wore sandals because he lived in a desert, and it's in the Bible (get this - the word "sandal" is in the Bible 35 times!)  One such verse is this one:

"I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire." -Matthew 3:11

John the Baptist (get it?) is the person talking here.  I don't know if you know this, but he was Jesus' cousin.  The outer sentences of this verse are kind of loaded, and I don't fully understand what John meant, but I always remember the second sentence.  John the Baptist was showing so much humility in that sentence, but I really think that it shows how Jesus truly was his King.  Upon first glance, I don't think Jesus looked like royalty.  But we see in Scripture, time and time again, how people treat his feet with the utmost reverence.  They were responding to his character, and to his heart.  He truly was the Son of God.  Royalty.

Tonight, on my 10-second Google search for fun & funny shoes, I found this picture:

It broke my heart.

I probably own 20 pairs of shoes.  This kid is wearing water bottles.

It's sheer genius, but it breaks my heart nonetheless.  To me, this just epitomizes Jesus.  His heart broke for people who were in need, and for people that oozed humility, and for the kids who came running up to him in abandonment.

There are a million parallels that I can think of between this picture & my life, and Jesus' life for that matter, but all I'm going to say tonight is that I'm so thankful that Jesus sees these beautiful feet, and that he has given us opportunities to use ours to share.

Cellular.

Reason number 203 that Catie is looking forward to walking normally again (even though she has 406 things to be thankful for right now):

Being able to talk on her cell phone.

When I was running up and down the stairs, many moons ago, I was running up and down the stairs quite frequently.  I forget things, you see.  A lot of things.  I mean, just walking out the door in the morning usually meant at least three separate trips back up to my room.  No lie.  Ask the poor woman who slept right below the staircase for 8 months.  So, nowadays, it's tricky business.  I mean, you're talkin' to the kid that's only been going on "the big girl potty" for about two weeks.  It seriously takes a ton of time to climb up that stupid flight, and a lot of energy because I'm still scooting up on my butt.

So I head upstairs between 9 & 11, depending on whether or not I'm going to read.  And what's on T.V.  T.V. is usually the influencing factor.  On a normal night, I would make all of my calls after 9...that's when it's free.  (If you don't know this already, I'm kind of a cheapwad.  Obsession of 2010: coupons.) Well, the last few nights I have been forgetting to grab it when I go upstairs.  Going upstairs is a big deal, so I can't just dash back down to get it.  Every night I have realized my forgetfulness once I've gotten alllllllllllll the way to the top of the stairs.

All I have to say is, "Whoops!"  Guess we'll talk tomorrow.  : )
I'm just thankful that my friends exemplify grace so well.





This blog post is dedicated to Alaina Christine.

Rose.

It is my baby sister's middle name.
She's in Baraboo, WI right now. 
I miss her.

But why I bring up the floral paradox (aka "the rose") is because I heard the other day, (while I was briefly watching the crazy-ridiculous show called "The View"), that President Obama and his girls sit down every night to talk about their day.  They call it the rose and the thorn.  The rose would, obviously, be the highlight of the day, and the thorn...well, the lowlight. 

So.  My rose.

Falling on my face in front of lots of people at church.

The thorn.

Falling on my face in front of lots of people at church.

Can the rose and the thorn be the same thing?  Well, I say it can.  Heck, they're on the same plant for crying out loud.  I fell on my face today.  Twice.  I fell once while I was coming out of the chairs (and I was trying to go too fast), and I totally lost control of my crutches.  It was, like, a movie-perfect scene; my crutches flew up in the air and then came crashing down, I face-planted into the seats, and groaned really loudly, "OH!  OH man!"  Sound like a thorn?  Maybe, maybe not...it was pretty dang embarrassing.  I was fine, and it's okay if you laugh.  But here's why it was the rose: for the first time ever, I got to STAND up when invited by the worship leader!  YA-YUH!!  It was pretty exciting.  I was a dancing fool.  That's what came right before I biffed it.  It was worth it.  (Confession: I may miss my wheelchair more than I thought I would...)

Fall number two came while I was walking towards my exit route.  It had sort of become a parade, if you will, because I was going pretty slow.  I was preparing a joke for the people behind me, and as I started to say, "I"m going to move over into the slow lane" (aka move to the right of the hallway), my foot caught the floor and I faceplanted.  Again.  Also pretty funny.  Kind of a thorn...lots of people watched me do it, and my left knee cap is a little perturbed.  But it was also kind of a rose because a very nice gentleman, who I'll "Jesusathaway", was right there next to me after I did it, ready to help me up.  He's such a nice man, and his family is awesome.  I was up & at em' before you could say, "Pay attention to where you are going, Catherine Ann.  No jokes while you are on crutches."

Part of me wishes someone I knew was beside me so I could yell, "He tripped me!  She tripped me!!"  I wish I had thought of that even if I didn't know who was around me.  Wouldn't that have been a great way to welcome someone new to my church.

So.  The moral of my rose/thorn story is that God continues to keep me safe, even as I continue to fall.  I'm so thankful that my legs are healing properly, and I'm so thankful that I have been able to stand up for the last couple of weeks, even if I have been a little wobbly.  I'm so thankful that, in God's grace, roses come with the thorns.  Proof of God's faithfulness, even at the very beginning: 

 To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’

 “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life.  It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field..."
- Genesis 3:17&18

The roses outweigh the thorns, my friends.  Even though we fall, God still gives us so much to be thankful for.

Bask.

"Only to sit and think of God, 

Oh what a joy it is!

To think the thought, to breathe the Name

Earth has no higher bliss!"

- Frederick W. Faber

I read this today, and got to thinking about the meaning of the quote.  I came across it while I was outside - what a sweet taste of Spring the last few days have been here in IL. I have finally gotten the hang of getting down the front steps of my house with my crutches.  It only took me two stinkin' weeks.  My original destination was going to be a "quick" walk with my mom & the pups, but my armpits said, "No, Catie.  We're angry with you." 

We have this old, worn-down church pew that sits on our front porch.  My parents got it a long, long time ago, I think when they were first married.  I have so many memories of playing on it from the time that I was a little girl.  I decided that Mr. Pew would be my final destination, and I took a seat on it for the first time in what felt like years.  I was basking in the last few minutes of the sun's warm rays, which felt so wonderful & life-giving, and I started to think about the word "bliss".  How wonderful it is to be able to spend so much time thinking about the character of God. Yet another blessing that I have been given with two still-mending legs.

How often do we just sit and think?  Let alone just sit and contemplate the beauty/wonder/greatness/character of God?  No videos, no music, no books.  Just sitting and thinking.  Why does it only seem to come when I have "extra" time, or when I'm not running about hurriedly?  Don't you think that it is a way we can worship God? 

May the Holy Spirit lead you (and me) to a quiet place today, and each day this week, where you can just sit and breathe and think and bask in the glory of Him whose name brings greater joy than anything on this Earth.  May He grow your heart & your mind so that your imagination is in tune with his reality, and may you be able to think outside of the boundaries that we all place God in. 

Thirsty.

I cannot get enough water tonight.  I am going to have pee like a racehorse tomorrow morning, (did you know that that phrase comes from the fact that people used to give horses diuretics, which caused them to pee profusely?  Well, now you do.  I always wondered where that phrase came from.  The internet is a beautiful thing.  Who knows if it's really true...)

I searched "water" in BibleGateway while I waited for my dad to bring me a water bottle (very uneco-friendly & slightly health-risky, but I refill them...).  Do you know how many times it's mentioned in the Bible?  617!  I was like, "Whoa.  People in Bible times were thirsty too, apparently."  Maybe it's because they lived in a desert.  (As a small side note here, can I just say how thankful I am for clean, running, drinking water?  If I had to put my water in skin, I would barf.  And it would probably get hot.  Ugh.  I know that one day our water resources aren't going to be what they are today...I find myself praying (quite often, actually) that wars over it don't come too quickly.)

One of my favorite verses was this one: 

"He opened the rock, and water gushed out;
   it flowed like a river in the desert."
- Psalm 105:41

I believe what the author is referring to (David, who wrote the book of Psalms...), is the time when Moses touched his staff to a rock, and water started bubbling out.  I think it is quite fitting to feel out what the bigger picture might be in this verse, even though it comes in a very descriptive chapter that includes tons of Israelite history.  (105 lists some pretty cool stuff.)

I can't think of how many times I have felt so thirsty in my life - physically and spiritually.  When my family & I lived in El Paso, I can remember being in the desert, and whining to no end.  We were probably out there for, like, 20 minutes, but when we got back to the car, our gallon of water was warm.  : }  And then there was the time at Six Flags...I was probably 8 or 9, and my sisters drank the rest of the water bottle, and I thought I was going to cry.  The vendors giving out free water (with ICE!) had never seen a more grateful recipient.

I've also allowed my heart to be dehydrated during times where I've felt ashamed to be open and honest with God, and refused to drink what he offered me.  I have wandered in the desert for long periods of time, where water has been scarce.  But what I am so thankful for is the fact that when I allow the truths I find in Scripture to permeate deep down into the dry, brittle cracks in my heart, I feel my thirst quenched.  My heart softens, gooey & mud-like with water, and becomes more palpable & pliable; it becomes easier for God to mold it and shape it.

I feel like there have been so many times in my life where I've been in the desert, and I've sat down on a hot rock, my sweat pouring down, and God opens up a small brook for me to drink from.  I look at my life now, and my heart feels so full; like a water pitcher in the summer, with condensation pooling all around its glassy sides, droplets joining together to run away from the rest. 

Psalm 105:1-3
"Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name;
   make known among the nations what he has done.
 Sing to him, sing praise to him;
   tell of all his wonderful acts.
Glory in his holy name;
   let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. "

Thank you for water, oh God!  I'm so thankful that God has provided a way for our perpetual thirstiness to be quenched.  And, it can only be quenched through Jesus. 

"Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water [he was sitting by a well] will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” - John 4:13&14

Sound a little fountain-of-youthesque?  It's not.  Because it's not a myth.  I've tasted it, and it is the sweetest water you will ever drink.  He truly is the Living Water.

Present.

Life is full of decisions.  Not new information, I know.  Your friends always told/tell you to hurry up and make them (or not), your parents always told/tell you to make good ones (or not), you put pressure on yourself to not screw up (or not)...you know, decisions.  Informed, immediate, irreplaceable.

I feel like all my life I have not trusted myself to make the right decisions.  This has been affirmed repeatedly as I ask my parents really goofy questions that start with, "Should I...Can I...Will I...?"  And they look at me like, "Did you really just ask us if you can use your crutches?"  (I thought they would slip in this particular instance.)  I just don't think before I ask things sometimes.  One of the most embarrassing memories I have takes place in seventh grade.  In social studies.  I, apparently, asked too many stupid questions and my teacher got so frustrated with me.  Turns out I didn't hear him say the answer to this question before I had asked it.  Or it really was a dumb question. 

One of the reasons I decided to be a teacher.
And one of the reasons I got a hearing aid two months later.

One of the things I feel so thankful for this evening is the fact that we can ask God so many different questions without having to feel stupid.  "God, are you real?  What am I supposed to believe?  Who am I?  Who are you?  What do you want for my life?  What am I overlooking?  Where do you want me to go?  Can I trust you?  What is the truth?  How does what I hear apply to my life?  Father, what does that mean?  Do you really mean that the way I think you do?  How can we practice this better?  Am I limiting you when I think this way?  How am I going to do that?"

He has taught me that there is no such thing as asking too many questions, but there is such a thing as not listening to the answer.  Thankfully, he is teaching me to truly, truly listen.  It has been an on-going, year-long after year-long process.  And I'm pretty sure he will continue to teach me for the rest of my life.  I'm excited.  And nervous.  But mostly excited.  Because the best part?  He's in control of the rest of my life too.  These verses are some of my favorites:

"Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." -John 4:12-14

I have decided that in the next days/weeks/months, I want to continue to strive to be.  Not Black-Eyed Peas style, but Imma be present, with my eyes wide open, and the ears of my heart ready to listen, to listen, to listen to my Father.  I want to be focused on being in the here and now, in the moment, ready to share & learn about Jesus.  Not panicking about or fearful of tomorrow.  In the words of James Hunter, faithfully present.

Risky.

So, all of the chocolate I got yesterday is pretty much gone.  I went on a sugar rampage, and I've justified it because I can walk now.  You know, "exercise".  Because taking 25 steps in a day definitely cancels out the 75plus grams of sugar I've consumed.  And it's confession time, apparently.

Plus, I probably took more than 25 steps.  My friend Bowgirl took me to Starbucks in HER CAR (where I may or may not have consumed more liquidy chocolate...yikes.) Yup, that's right.  I've officially graduated from the mini-van.  I'm taking some exciting steps this week, my friends.  I rode in the front seat, I used my crutches in public...it was beautiful.  I had a mini-freak out moment when I got to the curb, and I just had to stop.  I've never climbed up stairs or curbs with crutches before, so I had to re-route to the ramp.  For some reason, climbing down them is way easier than climbing up.  It's interesting to me because I always thought that I was someone who was okay with taking risks, but I'm realizing more and more how panicky I can get.  Especially when the risk of falling over is so high.  And in front of people.  Ugh.

I'm reading "The Celebration of Discipline" right now (great book), and I'm learning so much from Richard Foster.  He has such a cool story, and I appreciate the clarity that he brings to so many spiritual disciplines.  (For those of you who aren't familiar with spiritual disciplines, they are not magical things.  Foster describes them as, "a means of recieving God's grace.  They allow us to place ourselves before God so he can transform us."  SD's include things like fasting, confession, solitude, or meditation.  You know, just in case you were wondering...)  One of the things I came across this evening was the same thing that Bowgirl was excited about in Starbucks today (she read this paragraph & also liked it...) 

"What we see over and over again [in the book of Acts] is God's people learning to live on the basis of hearing God's voice and obeying his word.  This, in brief, forms the biblical foundation for meditation (only one of many spiritual disciplines...), and the wonderful news is that Jesus has not stopped acting and speaking.  He is resurrected and at work in our world.  He is not idle, nor has he developed laryngitis.  He is alive and among us as our Priest to forgive us, our Prophet to teach us, our King to rule us, our Shepherd to guide us."

Sometimes obedience to God can seem risky.  Sometimes it is costly, and sometimes it is scary.  Sometimes I just want to scream because I'm so frustrated by something, and sometimes I can whine more than a two-year-old.  But when I enter into a place where I can hear God's voice, and circle back to the why (even thought it's not always completely clear), I find strength.  I find courage.  I find hope.  Not in myself, but in God's presence; he provides those things for me.  I'm so thankful that he has a better memory than I do.

(And if you are wondering how the heck I "hear God's voice", you should read the Celebration of Discipline.  It starts with wanting to hear from him, and desiring a candid relationship with him.  When we create space in our hearts & in our minds & in our lives to truly listen, God speaks.  Clearly.  Softly, but clearly.  The Bible calls it a "still, small whisper" (1 Kings 19:12)...)

I'm looking forward to practicing more of these spiritual disciplines as I continue reading through this book, mostly because I am anxious to hear God's voice more clearly in my life.  I'm so thankful for the ways that he is already doing so, and the ways that he has spoken to me already.  I so long to know where he wants me to go next, and I am so thankful for his continued faithfulness toward me.  He is so worth the risks.

Familia.

What.  A beautiful day.  It's amazing to me how much difference the sun can make in a day.  The days are getting longer, and I feel like the hope of Spring is arriving.  I'm so thankful!  One of the things that I am also so thankful for in the last few months has been being able to spend time with my grandma.  A handful of years ago she was diagnosed with IBM (Inclusion body myositis...not to be confused with IBS), and in order to see my twin sisters more often, she moved up to Illinois from Texas last summer.  That's when I knew that she really loved us because she sacrificed sun & warmth for...well...Illinois winters.  I came as part of a surprise bonus package in October.  

Anyway, we got to hang out today for Valentine's Day.  We ate breakfast together, we played rummy, we talked politics...the lady is a hoot.  Our Monday routine usually includes a visit to the chiropractor too, and our day was concluded with sharing a burrito at Chipotle.  Best V-Day ever!  She was one exciting date.

Just another way that God has continued to bless me while my legs continue to heal.

I came home & my parents had made me a Valentine's Day goody-bag complete with chocolate and...Doritos?  Yes, Doritos - a rare delicacy in the Wollard household.  Mine are gone.  And, no, you are never too old for goody-bags.  I just kind of sat there this evening looking around at my well-lit (thank you, Lord) house...my new puzzle I'm working on, my little goody bag, my flowers from my birthday, my empty diningbedroom...I have been blessed beyond measure.  I mean, I probably have less than a month left in this house - which is so exciting.  But, at the same time, I have treasured the simplicity I've had here, & the warmth that I've felt.  I have so much to be thankful for.  So so much.


I have been given so many little presents over the last 12 years of following Jesus, let alone the last 12 weeks.  One gift that I truly treasure is the gift of singleness, which may be a little random, and may come as a surprise to some.  I have been single my entire life, and I have an inkling that I will probably be single for a while longer; I celebrate it.  Not in a "I-don't-need-no-man" way, but I can celebrate the fact that Jesus is what completes me. No doubt some of you may be wondering, "How does this fit into your healing process?  Are you trying to work Valentine's Day into this post?  Come on.  Seriously?"  Don't worry.  I thought that too at first...Valentines's Day may have sparked the thought, but that's not why I'm writing about my relationship status.  

One of the many blessings that I am counting this evening is the blessing of my family.  All throughout this day I have been able to soak up so many moments with them.  I have been able to be with my younger sisters, and able to pester them with pinches & kisses.  Weird combo, I know.  I've been able to laugh with my mom and dad, which I try to make them do a lot.  It's not too difficult for me.  It's kind of my job... : )  I spent the whole day with my super-smart grandma...and then we all ate dinner together.  I mean, I'm not trying to push the whole picture-perfect-nuclear-family image - all families look differently, and not all have the same workings.  Today was a good day for me though, one reason being that I am blessed by my family; they are one of the many reasons that I can count my singleness & my broken legs a huge blessing.  Not everyone has this blessing, and I do not take it for granted.  And we certainly aren't perfect; I would venture to say that each family member would be the first to tell you that.

I can truthfully say though that even if I did loose every family member, I can rest in the fact that each of them has committed their lives to Jesus, and acknowledged that he is all we need.  He is all I need.  When I first became a Christ-follower, my parents bought me a purity ring that had Solomon 2:16 on it, written in Hebrew.  I lost it.  And then I lost the replacement.  (I was kind of scared that it was a "sign", but so far, so good.)  The verse, however, always stuck with me.


"My beloved is mine and I am his..."

Song of Solomon is such a wonderful book in the Bible.  It is a broken-up conversation between a man, a woman, and their friends.  I used to think that it was only for married people, or girls who loved romance, but I couldn't have been more wrong.  Some might argue that it's a little too graphic to be described as the relationship between Christ & the church, but I think that it is just that; a picture of the way that Christ so passionately & descriptively loves us.  When I first became a Christian, I was just so blown away by the fact that Jesus called me, "His." And that I could call Jesus, "Mine."  I still am blown away by that.  And I'm thankful that the meaning of it continues to grow deeper as I get to know him more and more.  He continues to lavish his love upon me, and I could not have a bigger smile on my face, nor more joy in my heart...

The lover says of her beloved:

 "All night long on my bed
   I looked for the one my heart loves;
   I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
   through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
   So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
   as they made their rounds in the city.
   “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”

Scarcely had I passed them
   when I found the one my heart loves.
(I would add an exclamation point here, little missy! 
Pursuing and then finding Jesus is exciting!)

I held him and would not let him go...

...Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
   by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
   until it so desires."

-Song of Solomon 3:1-5

Progress.

I got six words for you:

I am sleepin' upstairs tonight, kids.

Elihu.

I just read a little bit of Job.  I don't know how I ended up there, but I somehow did.  Maybe it was my subconscious...I don't know.  I think I have been having a pity party the last few days.  It was highly unnecessary for me to do so; I somehow lost focus of Jesus, not just in the moments when I fell over (multiple times), but in the moments afterward.  

So I ended up in Job, and I remembered a paper I wrote in college on Job's four friends.  They all have Old Testamenty names: Zophar, Eliphaz, Bildad, & Elihu.  If you don't know the story of Job, he is a man that respects God, and tries to live the life God wants him to.  God allows everything to be taken away from Job: his kids, his flocks, his status...everything (except his wife...)  Anyway, Job is talking these friends several chapters later in the book, and each friend responds to him somehow.  In fact, each friend has a chapter of their own: the first three friends ask questions of Job (very critically I must say - they sort of attack him), and Job responds (at length.  I'm summarizing a great deal here.)  Then you get to the end of the book, and you finally hear the fourth friend, Elihu, after the three friends and Job have gone back and forth:


"So these three men stopped answering Job, because he was righteous in his own eyes.  But Elihu son of Barakel the Buzite, of the family of Ram, became very angry with Job for justifying himself rather than God. He was also angry with the three friends, because they had found no way to refute Job, and yet had condemned him. Now Elihu had waited before speaking to Job because they were older than he. But when he saw that the three men had nothing more to say, his anger was aroused."  Job 32:1-5

After this passage, Elihu speaks for several chapters to job and his friends.  He had a lot to say to Job & his friends, and he says it in humility, but with great passion.  The titles of these chapters are (Message Version):


God's Spirit Makes Wisdom Possible
God Always Answers, One Way or Another
It's Impossible for God to Do Evil
God Makes His Creation a Classroom
Those Who Learn From Their Suffering


I started blogging this last night, but I couldn't finish because it was too much for me to think about.  But I decided to come back to it, and write about it, because it is kind of a huge break-through for me.  A subtle, but huge breakthrough.


I have been trying to justify myself, rather than God.  I have taken my focus off of him in the last few days, and instead focused on my limitations.  I mean, I'm not even sure I know how to fix my eyes upon Jesus when I can only see my limitations.  And the reason that I have been so emotional about it is because it is a picture that represents so much of my life, especially in the last few years; when I see my limitations, I become fixated on them, rather than on Jesus.


Reading Job last night, and seeing the way that Elihu spoke so much truth into Job's life (and the lives of his friends) was so powerful for me.  In fact, GOD actually uses what Elihu says as a springboard!  There is this huge storm happening in the background, with thunder and lightning, and then, all of sudden, God steps in and confronts Job.  He asks (in a much longer stream than this), "Have you gotten to the bottom of things, Job?  What do you have to say for yourself?"


Job answers.  Do you know what he says?  "I'm ready to be quiet and listen."


God responds again (with such patience...) with (titles) like, "I want straight answers" and "I run this Universe."  God is in control!  Not Job!


Job responds with worship - he has a renewed sense of awe.  The title of his response is, "I babbled on about things far beyond me."


And God accepts his babbling.  His prayer. 


I (Catie) have no idea if any of this makes sense, but it was such a revelation for me, given my stinky attitude over the last couple of days.  I came across this verse in the New Testament after reading all of this last night, (in a forwarded e-mail about Buzz Aldrin & his communion on the moon), and I immediately knew, through all of the repetition, that God was clearly speaking to me.


“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5

Beginner.

"We do not want to be beginners.  But let us be convinced of the fact that we will never be anything else but beginners, all our life!"  - Thomas Merton.

Dear Tom,

I wish you were wrong.

Humbly, and with love,
Catie

Today.  Was another day to glorify my Jesus.  It was, truly, a wonderful day.  Puzzle-building with Mama Berndt, celebrating my mom's birthday, hanging out with some cools peeps at my church - it was such a marvelous day.  Unfortunately, in the very last minutes of the day, my day took a nosedive.

I finally worked up the nerve to try using my crutches again.  I am afraid of them, I'm not gonna lie.  They are hard for me to use.  So when I accidentally took a step backwards, and stepped onto my left foot; my excitement turned to fear.  I had a mini-panic attack & freaked everyone around me out.  You see, this is the same left foot that I'm only supposed to be putting 10% of my weight on (as of yesterday.)  I was scared.

Why is it that I don't like being a beginner?  What is it with me and mistakes?!  Why is grace such a hard concept for me to grasp?  Ugh.  My head hurts.  I dislike the headaches that tears give me, but I feel such a relief.  It's so so so silly - I can't believe I had another meltdown today because I can't figure out how to use my stupid crutches.

Grace.  It's what I have wrestled with from the very beginning.  And I am also a beginner at understanding grace.  I will always be a beginner.  Especially when it comes to understanding God.  But, I am thankful.

Because am I God?  No.  Will my step backwards onto my foot really make that big of a difference?  Probably not.  Am I frustrated that I can't use crutches?  Yes.  Do I need to keep trying?  Yes.  Will I cry again?  Yes.  But God has brought me this far, and I'm pretty sure that he will help me with my next steps.  Literally & figuratively.  Even if they have to be really really really small.  And even when I look like Bambi.

Knit.

My birthday is officially over.  By one minute.  Phew.  It's kind of a relief.  I mean, not be a Debby-downer here, but today was actually kind of rough.  It doesn't help that right now I'm completely exhausted, and I can't sleep  It was an incredibly full and challenging day.  But.  It's over.  I have SO much to be thankful for, even in the midst of trying things...

- A car to drive to Milwaukee in, and one that will run in single digits Fahrenheit.
- Parents that are willing to take a day off to go with me to the doctor.
- Sisters that know how to show me that they love me.
And that they really do.
- Extended family that does the same.
- Friends that remember my birthday.
And love me for who I am.
And see who I can become.
- Insurance.
- Technology.
- Crutches & boots to walk on.
- Gluten-free Betty Crocker cake mix.  And frosting.
- Delicious books to read.  And the ability & time to read them. 
- Clean air to breathe.  And healthy lungs.
- Van parties with three-year-olds.
- HJ & JWo & ChadWo...even though ChadWo couldn't make the van party.
- The fact that my doctor said that my LEFT leg looks "Wonderful!"  He doesn't say that word very often.  He made funny eyebrows last time.  So it actually means that my left leg is healing well, and that the blood is moving back into the damaged area!  Praise God!

I have so much to be thankful for.  Don't I?  I know that not everyone has these things, and I think that today there were so many distractions.  It was hard for me to stay focused on these things because of how many things were coming at me from all directions.  All day.  Not being able to see my friends, and spend time with them.  (When I get back to Milwaukee (Lord willing) I want to have a gigantic party.  From like 9am until 5pm.  Skip work.)  Weird things coming up from the past week that I didn't even realize were happening.  Having to say goodbye to curriculum from my old job.  Which officially means it's over.  Things like miscommunications, and disappointment in my doctor's visit.  I had unrealistic expectations on myself, and pushed my legs way too hard today. 

All these things fade away as I stand in awe this evening.  I actually stood in my own home tonight for the very first time.  I am so glad that God saw it fit to keep me in the world for another birthday, and I'm so thankful for all that he continues to do.  Even when I make mistakes.  Even when I am in pain.  Even when I say stupid, stupid things.  I am most thankful for his love, and that he allows me to show him love in return.  One of my all-time favorite passages is this one:

 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.
- Psalm 139:13-18

I remember the youth retreat I was on when I first heard these verses.  I think I was, like, 13 or 14 at the time.  I remember sitting there and hearing these words, and just sobbing my eyes out.  I was blown away.  These words shook me to the core.  To think that God actually saw me inside my mom's uterus, and that I was fearfully & wonderfully made!  As were you.  Truly, I know full well, and I continue to be blown away.  God's works are wonderful. 

I'm so thankful that God knows how to knit.  And that he knit you and I together.  That we inhabit this time and this space in this moment as human beings.  And that he knew us before we were even a thought.  But, really, we were a thought because he knew us.  God thought of us as he was painting the sky, and carving out spaces for rivers with his fingers.  He thought of us when he realized what his children had done in choosing the knowledge of good & evil on that first fallen day.  He thought of us over and over again as he demonstrated his faithfulness to his people, and he thought of us when he allowed his son to be beaten nearly to death, crucified & spit upon.  He knows how to knit.  His plan is absolutely perfect.  And I'm so thankful for the many places that he's patched up & redeemed in my life, for the design that he has created in my heart.  And for the way that he continues to draw me out & make me his.

Abba, I am so thankful for you.

Exclamation.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:20 & 21

I know that I have talked about this verse before,  but I never really thought of my 24th birthday as something to be imaginative about.  I'm totally stoked.  And, I mean, I just love the exclamation point at the end of these verses.  Just so you know, I didn't put that there.  Paul (the writer) did.

I wonder how Jesus celebrated his birthdays?  Did they have cake in the BC?  I wonder what went through Mary's mind each year as she recounted how everything surrounding his birthday went down.  What do you think Jesus was like when he was 24?

For me, twenty-four is going to be a transitional year.  Exclamation point style.  There is electricity in my bones.  I can just feel that this year holds things that I am not evening thinking about.  The transition part may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it's huge.  Not only will I begin walking again (as of tomorrow, hopefully more regularly, with the crutches I get from my doctor), I just feel like I will be transitioning into different things in every area of my life.  I think I'm more excited about this birthday, and less nervous than I was last year.  What a relief!

God has been so incredibly faithful to me for my entire life, and as of this birthday, I have officially been pursuing him for half of it.  After this birthday, I'm want to dream big.  And not just in some self-help-lofty-ideal-pie-in-the-sky-graduation-schpeel kind of way, but genuinely.  I want my life to be taken out of the box that I have somehow placed it in.  I want to take more risks, and continue to grow.  I want to be more sure of who I am, and not so worried about who I'm not.  I want to be wrong more often, and be okay with it.  I want to see my life in the way that Jesus saw his; through the eyes of his Father.

Because he truly is able to do immeasurably more than I can even imagine.  And, not to brag or anything, but I have a pretty crazy imagination.  He does greater things that I can even think to ask of.  And I can't get over it.

Jesus, thank you for another day today.  Thank you for each breath.  Thank you for reminding me that even though I'm not promised tomorrow, I have so much to look forward to.  Thank you for the hope that I can find in you alone.  To you be all the glory.  Forever.

Faithful.

Faithful:

1. Strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.

2. True to one's word, promises, vows, etc.

3. Steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant.

4. Reliable, trusted, or believed.

5. Adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate.
(dictionary.com)


I had another wonderful conversation today, in another wonderful day.  And I'm not just saying that.  Sometimes I feel like when I say that to people (that I had a wonderful day, or that the last three months have truly been wonder-filled), they don't believe me, or they think I'm lying.  Or maybe that I have everything figured out or am trying to appear perfect.  First, please believe me, and second I am not perfect.  God is seriously just so good to me.  And I pray that tomorrow is full of wonder for you as well.

That is exactly what my conversation was about; God's faithfulness.  I've talked a lot about that word, "faithfulness", and I decided that it was time to whip out another definition.  I think it's a word that people in the church use a lot.  And people in divorce courts, but that's a different kind of faithfulness.  Unfaithfulness, possibly.  But the kind of faithfulness that I have grown more and more passionate about in the last several years about is God's faithfulness.  There is nothing like it.  It's really incomprehensible, I think.  And I also think the word has lost some meaning.

I mean, he never breaks his promises, he can be trusted with anything, he is so passionate about people, and his love, power, grace, mercy, & justice are so constant.  And he does this all at the same time!  I mean, I can barely walk and and chew gum at the same time.  Actually, I can barely walk, period.  ; )

I just think it's so cool to be able to hear how God has been so good to so many other people around me.  It's something that I think we need to be reminded of, and often; we are not the center of God's universe, and yet he sees us.  It's sort of a paradox, isn't it?  He sees each person in the universe both individually, and he sees people collectively at the same exact time.  He values each person, gives lavishly to each person, and knows each person better than anyone else will ever know them.  And, at the exact same time, he is loving-kind toward everyone collectively, and longs for us to live in community with one another.  Life isn't about "me", or even "us", but "I" and "we" are still seen by such a huge God.  A God who has never been seen by our eyes; the God that keeps everything in motion.  He is so generous with his love, and his provision is perfect.  His plan is often deeply hidden, and it is only revealed second by millisecond. 


I was thankful to be able to celebrate this with others today.  

I am making good on my promise to myself to go to bed earlier this evening, and I'm so looking forward to watching the sun rise in the morning.  That in and of itself is evidence of God's extreme faithfulness.  All wrapped up into one giant eggroll called Psalm 92.  (v. 1-5)


"It is good to praise the Lord
  and make music to your name, O Most High,
proclaiming your love in the morning
   and your faithfulness at night,
to the music of the ten-stringed lyre (or piano)
   and the melody of the harp (or guitar).
For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD;
   I sing for joy at what your hands have done.
How great are your works, LORD,
   how profound your thoughts!"

Ordinary.

I felt like a real human being tonight.  Wanna know why?

I wore jeans for the first time in THREE MONTHS! Ahhhhhhhhh!  It felt so good.  I never thought I would hear myself say that, but it felt so good to wear real pants.  An ordinary thing that just had new life to me.  Other new clothing items I wore shall remain nameless.

In other news, I have no idea how I happened to start going to bed so late... it just snuck up on me.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't had to get up early in quite some time, and when I finally snuggle into bed and start thinking about my day, it's pretty late.  Tonight's even later because I just got back from a Superbowl party at my church.  It was lots of fun, and not just because the food was amazing.  (I really do love food.)   The game was fun to watch... (I never really liked football until this past year.  I watched the Greenbay vs. Chicago game in the fall with my dear friend JWo, and I just started liking it.  Pretty sure Chicago won that game.  Pretty sure I am the worst kind of football fan ever.  Whoever wins...I like them.  That's pretty awful of me, huh.)

But it was also fun to meet new people, and have good conversations.  One of the things in my life that I have always enjoyed is meeting new people.  Everyone is different when it comes to this, but I think that even that in and of itself is really a good thing.  I really appreciate people who are reserved and quiet, and I appreciate people who are outgoing and talkative, and I appreciate people in between.  I think we need all of the above. 

One of the highlights of the night was getting to talk to someone who had made a commitment this year to spending more time serving the poor in his community.  It was so cool to hear how God has been teaching him what it means to rub shoulders with people who live in poverty.  He shared about how he has been learning so much from the people that he has been able to share meals with, and how humbling it was for him to be able to have great conversations with people who live with next to nothing.  And then, yesterday, the students at Marquette University in Milwaukee (where I was volunteering with InterVarsity), held an urban project for their community.  60 students handed out 120 meals to people in their community that needed them, and I think that they realized that so many of the people that they were eating with weren't that different than them. 

I just think it's so cool that this was such a theme in the weekend, amidst so many different things; that God is teaching myself and others what it means to serve.  To value what our society has deemed invaluable.  To view people as Jesus views them.  I so look forward to being able to brush shoulders with the people around me that Jesus highly values, and I'm so thankful that I have been able to do that in the past months.  I know I've posted a lot of C.S. Lewis quotes (I just really connect with him...), but he once said that we need to:

"remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship."

I don't post this as though a reader might be hungry for fame or acknowledgment, or to suggest that you would want to worship another person, but to simply remind myself that:

"There are no ordinary people."

New.

I came across this tonight:

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it." - C.S. Lewis 

So, here it is.  The truth.  I entered into a relationship with a man when I was 12 years old.  He showed me grace then, and he shows it to me now.  It's nothing new.  Nothing I have said or can say is new.  But it's the truth.  Jesus changes lives.  He is more wonderful than I ever could have imagined.

Conflict.

I seriously love my family.  We are all semi-dysfunctional, but it's mostly just me.  Just want to say that before I say anything else.  I have committed to not talking badly of them in this blog, and I remain true to that commitment...just so you know.  But, as my title suggests, there was a conflict this evening in my household, and I feel led to share it.  Normally, I don't share a lot about the conflicts that I have at home because they are private, and to be dealt with face to face, not behind anyone's back.  (Matthew 18 talks about this, if you'd like to study it more.)  But, this conflict has been resolved - there are no harbored feelings, and I feel led to share it; I pray that you can learn from it.

I had PT this morning and WALKED on crutches for the first time ever!!!  Whoot whoot!  A whole ten feet.  It was pretty exciting.  I was supposed to do a small cadence at first...like a "crutch, step, crutch, step" to start with, but my leg was just too excited.  It seriously took on a life of its own and was like, "crutch, SUH-WING, crutch, SUH-WING".  I even had the "turning around" part down.  Oh yeah baby.  Pretty sure I scared the crud out of my physical therapist.  She was as surprised as I was actually.  But she's like Superwoman, so everything was a-okay.  I'm only walking on crutches at physical therapy right now, and hopefully will be on them at home next week!  Best birthday present EVA!!

Anyway, I enjoyed the rest of the (second snow) day with mi familia.  We made cookies, had tostadas for lunch, watched Spiderman...sounds enjoyable, right?  It was.  I'm really really enjoying this valuable season with my family.  I wouldn't trade it for a thing.  This time has been such a blessing to me.  But, you see, I am also a selfish human being.  Or, in the words of the BFG (the Big Friendly Giant), a human bean.  My value for my family goes flying out the window whenever I get my feelings hurt (aka: when I'm focused on myself.)  And that happens a lot because I'm a pansy.  A huge pansy... like, you could just look at me wrong, and I can get my feelings hurt.  It's bad, but I'm working on it.  Again, I'm a Meyers-Briggs "ENFP".

Anyway.  So tonight, a certain family member (who shall remain nameless) had a certain tone in their voice that just rubbed me wrong.  Instead of looking at it from their perspective, or praying about reacting in a Godly way, I just flew off the handle.  It could have something to do with a certain nap I accidentally took, but it was mostly because I made the wrong choice.

"Why do you always have to talk to me in that tone?!  I KNOW that I need to do that!  Why are you even SAYING this to me?!  What's with your tone?  Do you think I'm dumb or something?!"  Waa waa waaaa waa waa waa waaaa...on and on I went, trying so hard to make my point.  Actually, I was trying to drill it into them, pounding it home until finally I was like, "YOU KNOW WHAT?" (the caps are because I'm yelling at this point.  I yell all the time - when I'm excited, when I'm talking about something I'm passionate about, and/or when I'm upset.  And it's not because I'm deaf.  I just yell sometimes.)

"YOU KNOW WHAT?!  I'M NOT GOING TO SMALL GROUP TONIGHT!  I'M NOT GONNA GO BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE CAR WITH YOU!"

I hope you are laughing at this point.  It's quite funny.  I hope you can see me acting like such a dork.  I'm such a petty girl sometimes.  Five minutes later, several family members walked out the door to go to their various places, and I started crying.  I really did want to go to small group, and I knew that I needed to, but I was not going to admit it.  Mistake number two.  My pride got in the way, and even though I felt like I had "won" the argument, I was really mad at myself for acting so selfishly.  Luckily (with some divine intervention) they had to come back inside because they had the wrong keys.  And they saw me and were like, "Kid, get in the car.  We're taking you to small group."

This is a testament to how wonderful my parents are.  Really.  I was being so stupid.  I have, obviously, at this point in the "conversation" lost focus of Jesus or I wouldn't have been acting this way.  They were running late to where they needed to go, but they knew that I needed to get out.  To have time with other Christ-followers.  To learn more about Jesus' character.  To pray with and for other people.  To confess ways in which I have been selfish (ahem...five minutes ago...) and have them pray for me.  Thank you, God, for small groups.  (In case you don't know, a "small group" is basically a small group of people studying Scripture, discussing and talking about who Jesus is, who he claimed to be, and ways that we can be more like him.  It is a wonderful way to think outside of your perception of who Jesus is - I would highly recommend one if you aren't currently committed to a "small group".)

And, you know what else?  I realized tonight that I have this crazy tendency to try to "zing" my family members when I'm mad at them.  You know like, "zing" gotcha there, or "zing" I win this argument.  On top of being a yeller, I'm a zinger.  Isn't that awful?  This is some major confession time, so don't tell anyone I'm telling you this, okay?  It'll be between you and me.  And pray for me.  No really, please pray for me.  We are human beans, and we fall short, but we are called to be different.  To be like Jesus. 

Conflict is something that is healthy, and something that we can use to worship God, and glorify him.  Truly.  It's all in how we respond to one another though.  And, let me tell you.  I have seen him use it to do great things, and I have also seen it rip people apart, when they try to do things on their own.  When I try to do things on my own is what I should say. 

It's happened to me.  It's actually a part of my testimony (my story), and if you want to hear it, you should ask me sometime.  God truly intervened in my life, and in the lives of my family members, and reconciled my relationship.  Especially with my parents.  Especially with my momma.  It was a long process, and it is an on-going process.  Like being married.  We never "arrive" at any relational destination - we are always working on being more like Jesus.  I'm always working on treating my parents & my sisters with more respect and consideration.  How often I fall short.  I'm so thankful that Jesus is at the center of our family because each member has given me more grace than I deserve, just like He has.

So.  Tonight, I'm not going to do any more speaking.  I am just going to post what correction I found this evening from Matthew.  Matthew was one of Jesus' disciples, and he wrote the first book of the New Testament.  He shares many things about conflict in his book - there is a lot of dialogue from Jesus within its pages, and the follow passages are from v.38-48, (16:21-23 is also a great reference):

"Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.'

Is that going to get us anywhere?

Here's what I (Jesus) propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff.

Live generously. 

You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.

In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

Community.

I want to apologize for my snarky comments about snow yesterday.  I realized this afternoon that I was a little bit bitter about the fact that I can't go out and play in it.  When I looked out into our backyard this morning and saw the five-foot drift (no joke) against our fence, I so longed to just dig a huge hole into it for a snow fort.  Building snow forts is something I will never be too old for, and I have to admit my sadness at not being able to do it yet.

One of the things that I did, however, get to enjoy about the snow today was watching my family, and our neighbors work together.  It was on the news even - (not my family, but) a large population of people helping one another with the massive amounts of snow.  It brought a sense of community, and a way for people to serve one another.  It was cool to see in action.  There were three or four teens out front helping my parents dig out of the snow, and move it from one place to the next.  It was cool to see.

There is this small group series called "Doing Life Together", and whenever I think of the idea of community, I think of that - doing life together.  Community is kind of a buzz word right now - what does it really mean?  What does it mean to do life with other people?  In my mind, it starts with the people that immediately surround us, the people that we encounter regularly, the people that we brush shoulders with.  How we treat them, and how we bless them, and how we respond to them - those are the things that draw me to other people, and the things I want to be better at doing.  What I have learned is that power really lies in the day-to-day interactions.  For example, the willingness to take an extra 15 minutes to help shovel someone's driveway, or taking time to really listen after asking someone, "How are you?" 

When I was living in Milwaukee with a wonderful family that is committed to living in community, one of the things I was most challenged by was doing the dishes.  It's so funny because everyone thinks that communal living is this grandiose thing, but no one ever wants to do the dishes.  Living in community is quite simple: think often of others, and live generously & simply.  Like Jesus.

There is an amazing number of ways to bless people around you, right?  Doing the dishes without being asked, making meal for others in a busy week, listening well, no matter how busy you are, praying for others, giving up that really great parking space, sending a letter just because you love someone, smiling at the grumpy checkout person...these things are a great start, right?  But choosing those things sometimes becomes difficult for me because I'm so focused on myself, my schedule, my routine, my lack of routine...it's amazing how distracted I can become.  How self-focused I can be. 

The word "together" is mentioned 387 times in the Bible, according to my good friend BibleGateway.com.  I just think that that fact is such a tribute to how God designed us to live: together.  I'm thankful that by being surrounded by others, I become less focused on myself.  I'm thankful that God has placed so many encouraging people in my life.  I'm thankful for my neighbors and their willingness to serve.  I'm thankful that one gigantic snowstorm can bring the word "community" to fruition. 

Puzzle.

My mom and I worked ferociously on a puzzle this evening.  Water Lilies I by Claude Monet.  Pretty artsy fartsy if you ask me - I love it.  I never really realized how much this painting influenced the home color choices of most homes in the nineties.  Teal, pink, gray, and green baby.  It's where it's at.

Anyway, I kept laughing because my dogs kept sniffing and sniffing at the puzzle pieces.  I tell you, they eye each piece up for a snack.  What is it about bite-size pieces of paper?  I have six pieces missing in my bird puzzle that I just finished - there were eight missing until I (and by "I", I mean my mom) found two semi-chewed up pieces under the couch.  Those dogs.  I was so mad at them for, like, a week.  I've moved on now, and I decided to puzzle-glue my puzzle anyway.  I'm gonna frame it even though it has holes.  I think it gives it character.  See:

Of course you have to look hard in the picture.  Go figure.

You can tell in real life.  Trust me.  You can tell.

I bet right about now you are surprised I'm not talking about the snow outside, and you may even be thinking about how dorky I am to be working on so many puzzles.  Well, friend.  Snow is snow.  It's going to turn to the color of poop in 1.65 weeks, and in four, it will melt away.  That's what snow does.  And, as far as the puzzle-mania goes, I'm still in a wheelchair, in case you didn't know.  Puzzles are fun, they work your brain, and they teach you about life.  "What?", you ask?   Yes.  They teach you about life.  I suppose snow teaches you about life too, but I'm going with puzzles tonight.

You see, I have had the opportunity to work on many a puzzle in the last couple of months, and I have learned a lot about myself in the process.  I have learned about how quickly I give up on something.  When the going got tough in the midst of that puzzle, I start getting really frustrated, and talking negatively.  "Oh my gosh.  Did they make this piece right?  Ugh.  This is so stupid, I can't believe I'm wasting my time on this.  Why won't you guys help me with this dumb thing?!  DOGS!  Get AWAY!"  Then I would find a piece, and it urged me forward.  It's ridiculous, but I'm pretty sure I do that in real life too.  I also learning that I'm really not okay with something being open-ended.  I thought I was, but I wanted to finish the puzzle immediately.  In my mind that thing was going to take me five hours, tops.  Well.  That bird puzzle?  It took me a good 25 hours to complete.  There was no rushing it.  And I worked really hard to protect it.  It's a picture on top of paper for goodness sakes!  But I had a goal in mind, and I was going to get that puppy done.  Until my puppy ate one.

Then I was mad.

It turned everything upside down!  I was mad because I had invested so much time into something, and in one little chomp, my expectations about what the puzzle was going to look like were ruined.  I couldn't find the piece, first of all, and I spend a lot of time looking and looking for it.  It wasn't there!  So I kept going, and sure enough, it had magically disappeared.  To make matters worse, there wasn't even any nutritional value for the dog!  My choices were either to stop working on it or keep on going in the hopes of finishing.

This is an illustration for my life.  Not just in the breaking of my legs part, but the breaking of my expectations.  I have talked a little bit about the pain I've endured (which is so minute compared to so many other people) within the last year, specifically with teaching.  But only a little bit because I'm still processing it, amazingly enough.  And I have nothing to complain about.  I wouldn't change a thing.  Seriously.  I have an overwhelming amount to be thankful for, and I try to express that to God.  I start to get frustrated when I lose sight of the big picture, when I lose focus on Who I'm living for.  I had/have expectations for my life, and I didn't realize how much pressure I had put on myself for so long.  The puzzle showed me!  I want to to finish fast.  To not get frustrated.  To not fail.  To do well, and to do well the first time.  To have a beautiful finished project.  Notice any similarities between a certain puzzle and a certain you know who?

My life is so full of missing little gaps, and chewed up pieces.  I've tried so hard to fit them together, look for different patterns, move pieces around that were pushing others out.  As I work, I stand back and look at the big picture.  So much of it is incomplete, and for some reason, that irks me.  But you know what?  It causes me to look into the face of my Father.  And to stand back, and just be still.  Be in awe.  It's so hard for me to find the beauty in a puzzle with so many missing pieces.

What I'm most thankful for is that God is so gentle with me.
He is such a loving dad.
He knows what I need before I even take inventory.

Jesus says in Matthew 11:29:  "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

The God that sees the intricate design of each snowflake that fell today, and the ones that are yet to fall - the ones broken by a gust of wind, or melted from the body heat of a girl wheeling into a health clinic, or melted by someone who is freezing cold tonight, the flakes piled up in a gigantic massive mound somewhere in the Midwest right now (the four-foot pile against my house) - he sees each of those flakes.  And how much more are his people worth than flakes?  You are worth infinitely more than flakes, friend.  I have to tell myself that all the time: "You are worth so much more than flakes, Catie."  (Maybe I will sneak some snow in... : )

Because I can't get over the fact that I'm invited in.  Into his presence.  Into his plan.  Into his embrace.  That I can learn from him, that I'm allowed to see things through His lens - it's overwhelmingly wonderful.  He just envelops me with his arms, and with his light & warmth.  He is so gentle with me.  I can't tell you how often I come to him at my wits end because I'm so frustrated.  Because I'm just mad.  Because I don't understand.  Because the pieces aren't fitting where I want them to go.  And that's not say that I don't come to him in thanksgiving or in worship or in joy - that's is so important as well.

What I'm contemplating tonight is the fact that even though so many pieces are still vacant in my life because of the steps (literally and figuratively) I haven't taken yet, he knows what the big picture is going to look like.  I still have to take the steps, and sometimes that is in and of itself what trips me up.  But I can find rest because He was the artist at the very beginning; his design never fails.