Life is full of decisions. Not new information, I know. Your friends always told/tell you to hurry up and make them (or not), your parents always told/tell you to make good ones (or not), you put pressure on yourself to not screw up (or not)...you know, decisions. Informed, immediate, irreplaceable.
I feel like all my life I have not trusted myself to make the right decisions. This has been affirmed repeatedly as I ask my parents really goofy questions that start with, "Should I...Can I...Will I...?" And they look at me like, "Did you really just ask us if you can use your crutches?" (I thought they would slip in this particular instance.) I just don't think before I ask things sometimes. One of the most embarrassing memories I have takes place in seventh grade. In social studies. I, apparently, asked too many stupid questions and my teacher got so frustrated with me. Turns out I didn't hear him say the answer to this question before I had asked it. Or it really was a dumb question.
One of the reasons I decided to be a teacher.
And one of the reasons I got a hearing aid two months later.
One of the things I feel so thankful for this evening is the fact that we can ask God so many different questions without having to feel stupid. "God, are you real? What am I supposed to believe? Who am I? Who are you? What do you want for my life? What am I overlooking? Where do you want me to go? Can I trust you? What is the truth? How does what I hear apply to my life? Father, what does that mean? Do you really mean that the way I think you do? How can we practice this better? Am I limiting you when I think this way? How am I going to do that?"
He has taught me that there is no such thing as asking too many questions, but there is such a thing as not listening to the answer. Thankfully, he is teaching me to truly, truly listen. It has been an on-going, year-long after year-long process. And I'm pretty sure he will continue to teach me for the rest of my life. I'm excited. And nervous. But mostly excited. Because the best part? He's in control of the rest of my life too. These verses are some of my favorites:
"Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." -John 4:12-14
I have decided that in the next days/weeks/months, I want to continue to strive to be. Not Black-Eyed Peas style, but Imma be present, with my eyes wide open, and the ears of my heart ready to listen, to listen, to listen to my Father. I want to be focused on being in the here and now, in the moment, ready to share & learn about Jesus. Not panicking about or fearful of tomorrow. In the words of James Hunter, faithfully present.
