The sun shone so brightly today, even if it did set too soon. I figured out that I can turn my blinds so that the light actually hits me in the face. It's a beautiful thing. I feel a strange connection with the sun, and I need it to live. I could never live in the northern east coast - I would cry everyday. On cloudy days I would cry because I missed the sun, and on sunny days I would weep with joy. Here, there is a lot of snow on the ground still, and we're expecting more this weekend. A lot more actually. I have this incredible longing to go outside and hear the crunch of it under my feet, and take long, brisk walks in the cold. Like, I can't even describe it to you. I love that sound! I was so excited on the day that it snowed recently, but I found later myself feeling a little sad because I can't crunch it or look back at my footprints. It's such a weird feeling.
I think I'm just reaching the point in my journey, as someone with two out-of-order appendages, where I feel more myself, but I can't quite act that way. I keep having dreams where I saw off my casts and start walking around. I always wake up in a sweat because I'm freaking out inside while I watch myself walk. Or I'll walk on my casts, and laugh in my dreams. Bizarre, but true. And not said for pity, but the longing to walk is so deep - it permeates a lot of different desires.
This feeling of longing is something I have definitely felt before. A longing to find the right job, a longing to be with people I miss, a longing to fall in love. I especially feel a longing to be with Jesus. When I think about heaven, & I envision what it's going to be like to stand, finally, before Jesus, this pit forms in my stomach. Every time. I feel so excited when I think about it, and I start to think like a three year old. You know what I mean, right? Like, you just want to run into the arms of the people you think are just so awesome, and have them hold you, and kiss you all over, and then put you down and chase you around. I'm sighing. I can't wait to stand before him, fall at his feet, and worship him. To see what he looks like, and have him hold me, and tell me, "Welcome home."
There is this song by a woman named Audrey Assad, called "For Love of You". The gist of it is that loving Jesus makes her come alive; it's his voice that has her singing out; she's watched him carve streets of gold from sand and gravel. My favorite part of the song is the bridge:
"You are my deepest longing, and so I see you everywhere; it's you I'm chasing after. Cause I am captivated by who you are, and how you move, I'll follow you forever."
I just love it. My bones jump for joy inside my body because it excites me more than anything else has, can, or will in my life. Chasing after Jesus is fun, exciting, and full of joy. I also find myself out of breath, and frustrated sometimes because I can't catch him. I am captivated by the way he lived his life: selflessly, humbly, full of compassion & mercy. He knew who he was, and who God had created him to be. He was passionate about God's word, and the things his Father had instructed him to do. He loved learning, but knew how to ask questions. He loved kids, and the sick & poor & forgotten. He was patient and kind to people even when he had said something twenty times. Literally. Gentle and just. Pure, yet willing to step beyond the bounds society had drawn for him. Patient, yet full of his father's zeal for how life should be lived.
I mean, those aren't just "good things" - those are things that Jesus embodied as a man who really lived. He really did the things the disciples said he did! Those are the things that captivate my attention, that make him so attractive to me. I want those things. Now. Today. Right this second. But, it takes time to become like Jesus. Our lives change the second we choose to chase after him, but we have to stop sometimes, and fight off the things that get our feet tangled up, or dump the rocks from our shoes. Or you break your legs, and you can't run. But seriously, our lives soon fill up with things that distract us or discourage us because we live in a fallen world.
This is where my deep longing for heaven comes in. The best part is gonna be that when I get to heaven, and I'm chasing Jesus through beautiful things that my mind can't even imagine, I'll never be out of breath. I'm gonna tackle him to the ground and give him a huge hug. As cheesy as it sounds, that's what's gonna go down.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Evolution.
My love of birds is surfacing again. I got to watch this AMAZING hummingbird special on PBS the other night, and I can't stop thinking about it. There were hummingbirds with long, light tails, and hummingbirds with crazy crowns that changed colors. There are hummingbirds that, when they make a particularly large dive (equivalent to that of a dive bomber), their tails make clicking noises that attract a mate. They captivate me. They cause me to think about the bigger picture. They're tiny. (And! Wanna see cute babies? If you have time, go here: http://www.wolaver.org/animals/babyhummer.htm )
The reason that I really even bring them up is that their migratory patterns are evolving, especially within the last 50 years. They have evolved to become more dependent on people - the patterns correspond with major feeding areas in the U.S. Can you believe that? They can actually remember which houses have hummingbird feeders, and return each year to feed, teaching their babies to do the same. I don't know whether to think it's cool, or to be afraid for them. Humans aren't always that dependable, if you know what I mean.
I don't know why dependability is such a big issue for me. It's not like I was scarred as a kid because my parents were never there for me, and I couldn't count on them for anything. (It may have been the opposite - I forgot everything at home and had to be rescued a lot.) They have proved themselves trustworthy many times over. And, yeah, they've failed too, but my issues come from my own self, not them. It think it's that I'm insecure about how dependable I feel, and it just bleeds into how I relate to other people.
I'm always afraid of what others are thinking. I mean, I've done some really really stupid stuff, and it's amazing that anyone would trust me. What I've actually come to learn in the last weeks is not just how important it is for me to be able to rely and depend on other people, but that I need to continue to learn how to do the same for others. I can't believe how much I've learned this from communal living in the last year, and I can't even believe how much I've learned in the last five weeks...and how much God continues to teach me.
With that said (and not to negate any of it), I was able to do so much by myself to day, and I was so excited by it. It's not that I'm itching to break free of having to depend on others, it just feels good to accomplish several things in one day. I was in my wheelchair for the majority of the hours that I was awake today!!! A first. I was able to go to the bathroom completely on my own, and get back in my wheelchair. A first. With no one home. A first (I'm petrified of falling over while no one is home.) (I was so glad when my sisters got home.) It was a day for the books. Two weeks ago I thought I was going to fall out of my wheelchair when I got in it. Now I hop in it like a jumpin' bean. I'm officially getting stronger & feeling so much better. I'm more mobile, and I sure as heck am glad that my family is stickin' around for the long haul because I. Still. Need. Them.
My family has made such a difference in my life, and I'm thankful that they do come home & are willing to help me. Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever run away. They are a really good example of what it means to make a difference in the lives of other people; it starts with the little things. For me, it's lifting my legs as I shift onto the toilet or into my wheelchair, grabbing the cereal box because it's on the highest shelf. Or just sitting by me because I need company. Playing a game of Scrabble with me when I get tired of reading and Facebooking. When I was living in Milwaukee it was doing the dishes or vacuuming the house.
And, I feel so blessed to serve them despite mobility limitations - folding clothes on my lap, looking things up online, playing with the dogs, acting as delivery person when I wheel large amounts of stuff to another room, etc. Babysitting in the basement. Popping wheelies in my wheelchair as a source of entertainment. With my legs straight out in front of me. And doing 360's. You don't believe me? Well good. Because I don't do wheelies. Yet.
It's the little things. We depend on one another. You see, we are designed that way. Jesus talks about this in Matthew 25. Jesus is talking about how after he returns to the earth for the second time, all of the nations (all people) will stand before him. He separates the people into two separate groups - one is on his right & one is on his left.
He says, in verses 34-36, “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. [Which, is, like, ummm...heaven! Par-tay!] For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
What's funny to me is that the people in this group are like, "Huh? When did we give you food? When did I deliver you a blanket? You were in Chicago, Jesus? I delivered you that blanket in 14 degree weather? Wait. I visited you? You were in JAIL, Jesus? When!?" That's, truly, what I would have said. We are a literal people. Jesus, in his infinite patience simply says, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."
Man. It hits me every time. Because doing the dishes without anyone noticing is a heck of a lot harder than going on a missions trip for me. Stopping to have a meal with a homeless person, and actually sitting and talking with them in the middle of McDonald's is a heck of a lot harder & humbling & time-consuming than just dropping two bucks in their Coke cup and quickly walking away. Serving someone that I don't like is soooo much harder than delivering food to the food pantry. "You want to make a difference in someone's life? Stop trying to change the world, and serve the person that's sitting right next to you. Literally." That's what I have to say to myself every day. Every day. It's taken me a long time to learn this, and it's an evolution that has been on-going since I stepped into a relationship with Jesus. It won't stop until my eyes are closed forever.
We so depend on one another, and yet we struggle to meet the needs of the people around us. We're selfish. It's dirty. It's embarrassing. It's hard. It's time-consuming. It's not what I planned! It's frustrating. It's deeply humbling. You won't always be in the right. You will have to make intimate sacrifices. You'll see gross things. Other people will see your gross things. I don't know! You name it! Submitting ourselves (making ourselves less) to the "least of these" is sometimes difficult. But it's something to be praised - by the very lips of Jesus. My question is, Who are "the least of these" in my life? In your life? Who are the "least of these?"
Jesus goes on in this passage to talk to the group on his left. He tells them to depart from him. Maybe they hoarded their wealth - may not in money, but in time, talents, and things that they treasured. Or money. Maybe they served one another, but it wasn't in love. Maybe they served, but it was to gain good standing with God. Maybe they served one another, but only because it was convenient at the time. Maybe they served one another, but it was to impress the people around them.
This group is left asking the same question of Jesus, but in their heads, they must have been thinking about it differently. Something like, "I gave money to church, God, I donated more than once. Homeless people need to get a job, I worked hard for my money. You seriously expect me to hug someone that smells? God, I didn't have time for that, you know I didn't. I gave my clothes to Goodwill...when I was done with them, that counts for something. Didn't you see those things God? I deserve some credit here." I catch myself thinking this way. Often. My selfish nature is always trying to pull me back to where I once stood: alone. Self-reliant. Without Jesus.
In the Bible, they ask the same exact question of Jesus. The same one. But it's from a completely different perspective. Jesus replies, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me." He tells them to go away. I can't imagine hearing that from Christ. To my knowledge, Jesus has only ever said that to the teachers of the law (because they were selfish, hard-hearted, and cared only about power), and the demons. Sadly, they have to leave him forever, and that breaks my heart. I can't imagine having to leave Jesus, and be separated from him forever.
The little things turn out to be big things. Our love towards others is not evaluated at work, how we act when others aren't looking isn't assessed, but how we think of people that we deem "beneath us" is what is important in Jesus' mind. And now we find out that He's keeping track of how we loved others. "Changing the world", "world peace", "making a difference"...none of these things come in a day or in ourselves. They are found in Jesus alone. And he doesn't ask for a grandiose performance, or for us to look for charity cases; he asks us to commit our lives to him. Learn from him. Serve the lease of these meekly, humbly, and lovingly. Slowly, we evolve into his likeness. It's a long, long, life-long process, but it's what is what Jesus has told us. Because it's what God wants. And we have help along the way.
The reason that I really even bring them up is that their migratory patterns are evolving, especially within the last 50 years. They have evolved to become more dependent on people - the patterns correspond with major feeding areas in the U.S. Can you believe that? They can actually remember which houses have hummingbird feeders, and return each year to feed, teaching their babies to do the same. I don't know whether to think it's cool, or to be afraid for them. Humans aren't always that dependable, if you know what I mean.
I don't know why dependability is such a big issue for me. It's not like I was scarred as a kid because my parents were never there for me, and I couldn't count on them for anything. (It may have been the opposite - I forgot everything at home and had to be rescued a lot.) They have proved themselves trustworthy many times over. And, yeah, they've failed too, but my issues come from my own self, not them. It think it's that I'm insecure about how dependable I feel, and it just bleeds into how I relate to other people.
I'm always afraid of what others are thinking. I mean, I've done some really really stupid stuff, and it's amazing that anyone would trust me. What I've actually come to learn in the last weeks is not just how important it is for me to be able to rely and depend on other people, but that I need to continue to learn how to do the same for others. I can't believe how much I've learned this from communal living in the last year, and I can't even believe how much I've learned in the last five weeks...and how much God continues to teach me.
With that said (and not to negate any of it), I was able to do so much by myself to day, and I was so excited by it. It's not that I'm itching to break free of having to depend on others, it just feels good to accomplish several things in one day. I was in my wheelchair for the majority of the hours that I was awake today!!! A first. I was able to go to the bathroom completely on my own, and get back in my wheelchair. A first. With no one home. A first (I'm petrified of falling over while no one is home.) (I was so glad when my sisters got home.) It was a day for the books. Two weeks ago I thought I was going to fall out of my wheelchair when I got in it. Now I hop in it like a jumpin' bean. I'm officially getting stronger & feeling so much better. I'm more mobile, and I sure as heck am glad that my family is stickin' around for the long haul because I. Still. Need. Them.
My family has made such a difference in my life, and I'm thankful that they do come home & are willing to help me. Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever run away. They are a really good example of what it means to make a difference in the lives of other people; it starts with the little things. For me, it's lifting my legs as I shift onto the toilet or into my wheelchair, grabbing the cereal box because it's on the highest shelf. Or just sitting by me because I need company. Playing a game of Scrabble with me when I get tired of reading and Facebooking. When I was living in Milwaukee it was doing the dishes or vacuuming the house.
And, I feel so blessed to serve them despite mobility limitations - folding clothes on my lap, looking things up online, playing with the dogs, acting as delivery person when I wheel large amounts of stuff to another room, etc. Babysitting in the basement. Popping wheelies in my wheelchair as a source of entertainment. With my legs straight out in front of me. And doing 360's. You don't believe me? Well good. Because I don't do wheelies. Yet.
It's the little things. We depend on one another. You see, we are designed that way. Jesus talks about this in Matthew 25. Jesus is talking about how after he returns to the earth for the second time, all of the nations (all people) will stand before him. He separates the people into two separate groups - one is on his right & one is on his left.
He says, in verses 34-36, “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. [Which, is, like, ummm...heaven! Par-tay!] For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
What's funny to me is that the people in this group are like, "Huh? When did we give you food? When did I deliver you a blanket? You were in Chicago, Jesus? I delivered you that blanket in 14 degree weather? Wait. I visited you? You were in JAIL, Jesus? When!?" That's, truly, what I would have said. We are a literal people. Jesus, in his infinite patience simply says, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."
Man. It hits me every time. Because doing the dishes without anyone noticing is a heck of a lot harder than going on a missions trip for me. Stopping to have a meal with a homeless person, and actually sitting and talking with them in the middle of McDonald's is a heck of a lot harder & humbling & time-consuming than just dropping two bucks in their Coke cup and quickly walking away. Serving someone that I don't like is soooo much harder than delivering food to the food pantry. "You want to make a difference in someone's life? Stop trying to change the world, and serve the person that's sitting right next to you. Literally." That's what I have to say to myself every day. Every day. It's taken me a long time to learn this, and it's an evolution that has been on-going since I stepped into a relationship with Jesus. It won't stop until my eyes are closed forever.
We so depend on one another, and yet we struggle to meet the needs of the people around us. We're selfish. It's dirty. It's embarrassing. It's hard. It's time-consuming. It's not what I planned! It's frustrating. It's deeply humbling. You won't always be in the right. You will have to make intimate sacrifices. You'll see gross things. Other people will see your gross things. I don't know! You name it! Submitting ourselves (making ourselves less) to the "least of these" is sometimes difficult. But it's something to be praised - by the very lips of Jesus. My question is, Who are "the least of these" in my life? In your life? Who are the "least of these?"
Jesus goes on in this passage to talk to the group on his left. He tells them to depart from him. Maybe they hoarded their wealth - may not in money, but in time, talents, and things that they treasured. Or money. Maybe they served one another, but it wasn't in love. Maybe they served, but it was to gain good standing with God. Maybe they served one another, but only because it was convenient at the time. Maybe they served one another, but it was to impress the people around them.
This group is left asking the same question of Jesus, but in their heads, they must have been thinking about it differently. Something like, "I gave money to church, God, I donated more than once. Homeless people need to get a job, I worked hard for my money. You seriously expect me to hug someone that smells? God, I didn't have time for that, you know I didn't. I gave my clothes to Goodwill...when I was done with them, that counts for something. Didn't you see those things God? I deserve some credit here." I catch myself thinking this way. Often. My selfish nature is always trying to pull me back to where I once stood: alone. Self-reliant. Without Jesus.
In the Bible, they ask the same exact question of Jesus. The same one. But it's from a completely different perspective. Jesus replies, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me." He tells them to go away. I can't imagine hearing that from Christ. To my knowledge, Jesus has only ever said that to the teachers of the law (because they were selfish, hard-hearted, and cared only about power), and the demons. Sadly, they have to leave him forever, and that breaks my heart. I can't imagine having to leave Jesus, and be separated from him forever.
The little things turn out to be big things. Our love towards others is not evaluated at work, how we act when others aren't looking isn't assessed, but how we think of people that we deem "beneath us" is what is important in Jesus' mind. And now we find out that He's keeping track of how we loved others. "Changing the world", "world peace", "making a difference"...none of these things come in a day or in ourselves. They are found in Jesus alone. And he doesn't ask for a grandiose performance, or for us to look for charity cases; he asks us to commit our lives to him. Learn from him. Serve the lease of these meekly, humbly, and lovingly. Slowly, we evolve into his likeness. It's a long, long, life-long process, but it's what is what Jesus has told us. Because it's what God wants. And we have help along the way.
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