About Me

Hey there! I'm a twenty-three year old Jesus follower, and this blog is to record all of the goings-on in my life within the next months. I recently broke both of my legs, and feel God leading me to tell my story - a story of redemption and grace, of hope and pain, of excitment and fear. May you be deeply blessed as you read. Shalom!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Waves.

Henri Nouwen said, "Self-doubt is such a rampant disease (in many schools, but also other places) that affirmation is more important than ever.  It can simply mean the expression of excitement and surprise or a word of thanks.  It can mean recommendations of good books or refgerral to people with special talents.  It often means just bringing the right persons together or setting apart time and place where more thinking can be done.  But it always includes the inner conviction that a precious gift merits attention and continuing care.

There are just as many ways to be a Christian as there are Christians, and it seems the more important the impostion of any doctrine or precoded idea is to offer (the students) the place where they can reveal their great human potentials to love, to give, and to create, and where they can find the affirmation that gives them the courage to continue their search without fear.

Only when we have come in touch with our own life experiences and have learned to listen to our inner cravings for liberation and new life can we realize that Jesus did not just speak, but that he reached out to us in our most personal needs.  The Gospel doesn't just contain ideas worth remembering.  It is a message resopnding to our individual human condition.  The Church is not an institution forcing us to follow its rules.  It is a community of people inviting us to still our hunger and thirst at its tables.  Doctrines are not alien formulations which we must adhere to but the documentation of the most profound human experiences which, transcending time and place, are handed over from generation to generation as a light in our darkness."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nS_aR8XX_U&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Self-doubt is a crippling disease.  When I can across this random YouTube video tonight, I wondered what was going through that surfer's mind.  I was blown away.  I am baffled by human potential; that wave was huge. 

We have seasons in our lives where the waves just seem so big.  I have found myself hesitating and hesitating to just dive into them, but I am slowly gaining courage.  Slowly.  Because to love, to give, and to create, and to find the courage to continue our search without fear is something that, I think, honors God.  Surfing large waves is what we were made to do.  And, you know, I'm so thankful for the people in my life who are willing to "ride out on a jet ski" to see me off into the waves, and to wait with me while I figure out which one I'm going to take.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Parking.

Two words: parking space. 

Oh my goodness, I had an epiphany today in the parking lot of the pool I do aquatic therapy in.  I realized that parking spaces are a terrific way for me to put others before myself.  It sounds ridiculous, but next time you see that sweet, juicy, right next to the door spot, drive right on by, and park 100 yards away from the door.


It's hard to do.  I really had to adjust my attitude as a white SUV zoomed into the spot that I was about to pull in to.  Especially when you have two dweeby crutches, and don't want to have to mess with the shenanigans of having to crutchstepcrutchstep to the back row of the parking lot.  I mean, I'm pretty sure it was a red Skittle that almost took me out.  The place was packed.

But you know what?  It was a teachable moment for me.  It truly was a sacrifice, as stupid as that sounds.  Why is it so difficult for me to think of others before I think of my own benefit?  It's unnatural in our broken world.  That's why.  Because, man, there are so many ways that we can demonstrate love to others using something as simple as a parking space.  Holding the door for someone.  Bringing a meal to someone's house.  Not having to have the last word in the argument.  Driving considerately.  Smiling.  Being the first to say "hello", and stopping to listen when you ask, "how are you doing?"  I could go on and on with seemingly menial things in our everyday lives.  But those tiny things make all the difference in the world.

Thank you, Lord, for lost parking spots.

"Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. For even Christ did not please himself... For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope.

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."  -Romans 15:2-6

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Follow.

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat—I am.

Don't run from suffering; embrace it.

Follow me and I'll show you how.

Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? If any of you is embarrassed with me and the way I'm leading you, know that the Son of Man will be far more embarrassed with you when he arrives in all his splendor in company with the Father and the holy angels. This isn't, you realize, pie in the sky by and by. Some who have taken their stand right here are going to see it happen, see with their own eyes the kingdom of God."  -Luke 9:23-27

Oh man.  This verse is the bomb.  I read it tonight, and I'm totally speechless once again.  God has some pretty amazing things to say to us, and when we listen to his voice amidst all of the other noises surrounding us, it is a beautiful thing. 

I caught my embarrassed self red-handed today as I was talking to a cashier at Caribou.  Lately (because I'm only using one crutch & have only one boot) people have been saying, "Oh my, what happened to your foot?"  It's then that I have to tell my snarky self to shut its pie hole.  (I can't even tell you how many times I seriously want to say, "An elephant stepped on it while I was running around in the exhibit dressed up as Tarzan at the zoo." or "I ran over it while I was driving my car.")  Or, people will ask me how my day is going, and when I say, "It's going good, how's yours?"  The reply?  "Better than yours."  It breaks my heart that people just assume that because I hobble, I'm not happy or hopeful.  Well.  Jesus is pretty cool like that.  He creates new equations:  Hobbling = happy and hopeful.

Anyway, I became really embarrassed when the cashier was drawing her co-workers' attention towards me, and I really just wanted to walk away.  Somehow, I couldn't even find the words, "Jesus" or "thankful" or "thank-you".  I don't know why I got so flustered.  But it is the way I am being led right now, and I need to buck up.  I tell you, it's not pie in the sky.  Thankfully, I can continue to follow my Teacher, and embrace it.

And I can't even begin to say how those last few sentences sum up a whole lot more than the last few months.  I have read a heck of a lot of self-help books, and tried to figure out "who I am", when really, it just comes down to following Jesus.  Heh heh...one hobble at a time.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Full.

Mmmmm...I love clean sheets.  There is definitely a reason that I'm still living at home though.  I still need my mom's help putting them on the bed.  I need help with quite a few things still, and I'm so thankful that my family is still supporting me, 100%.  I know for a fact that I wouldn't be where I am in the healing process if it wasn't for each member.  I know that the next few weeks of living here are going to fly by crazy-fast.

That said, I did get quite the taste of freedom this past weekend; I spent three days away from home!  It felt pretty surreal.  Everyone kept saying, "Oh man, I bet it feels so good to be out of the house."  Well, yeah, but I missed being home at the same time.  I got to see so many people that I haven't seen in quite a while, and it all culminated with a church service in Grayslake, IL (where I became a Christ-follower.)  It was pretty cool - my heart felt so full.

I kept thinking of that word all weekend, "full".  I have been so richly, richly blessed in the past four and half months (can you believe it's been that long?!)  Psalm 23 has been resurfacing in my heart over and over again.  Last week I talked about the first chunk of verses, but I can't stop thinking about the second chunk now (v 5&6):

You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
   forever.

I keep getting this picture of me standing in the middle of a grassy, wind-blown field with the sun streaming down so brightly.  Jesus is there standing in front of me, and with one hand he cups my face.  With the other, he pours sweet-smelling oil over my hair.  It's never ending.  It trickles down over my eye lids & down my bumpy nose, and into my smile.

My heart feels this way.

My cup is overflowing and overflowing, and I can't help but tell the people that talk to me in the health food store, and in restaurants, and in the hot tub at the gym, and in my church, and at my sister's tennis lessons that Jesus is so good to me.  I look back at the last months, and that's what I see: his goodness and love trailing behind me all the way.  All the days.

From the time that I realized I needed Jesus more than anything else to now, I have learned & continue to learn what it means to dwell.  I can't wait to touch my fingers to the walls of his house, and to smell the inside.  I can't wait to feel the floor beneath my feet and to sit on God's sofa drinking who knows what.  Root beer.

Oh man.  My heart skips a beat at the thought of it.  Following Jesus is worth it.  Every step of the way.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Muscles.

I'm so pooped.  I had a crazy-fun, full weekend.  All I gotta say tonight is that, when it comes to my legs, "Oooooo, it's growing now.  It's really growing now!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5DwIcnpBCA&feature=related

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Firsts.

Firsts continue to pile into my life.  Well, second firsts anyway.

1) I went shopping...by myself.
2) I climbed the stairs of my house.
3) I got into the pool using the steps.

Three seemingly small things, but I continue to be blown away by the fact that I am even able to stand up when I get out of my chair.  I really am trying so hard to "remember" where I have been, and where God has brought me from.  It's so exciting to me!

"The king [David?] rejoices in your strength, LORD. How great is his joy in the victories you give!" -Psalm 21:1

Foggy.

You know, this is such a weird time for me.  Can I just say?  I just have to say it out loud once, and I won't say it again.  And I'm not complaining, I'm just stating the obvious.  My awareness of this weirdness was heightened tonight when I fell asleep at 5:30p, and woke up...well...two hours ago.  Whoops.  I don't like it when I fall asleep so late in the day, but I couldn't fight off the urge to snooze, and I have been thinking and thinking and thinking for the last two hours.  Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to fall back asleep for a while. 

My whole world is in a bit of a fog right now, and a very weird transition time.  I find myself excited about so many things, but so nervous at the same time.  I can feel it outside too - this morning it was so sunny & beautiful, but super-cold.  Then it started to rain.  The grass is a poopy yellow color, but there are a few blades of green peeking out.  A Mourning Dove sat on my roof this morning cooing its brains out, but there was no response. 

It's so close to Spring, but Spring feels so far away.  We're right on the cusp, and it's driving me bonkers.  It's like itty bitty baby steps to get there.  I don't want to rush those steps, and I'm trying to still take it one day at a time, but it's challenging. 

I came across this verse tonight, and I started laughing:

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  (Timothy 1:7)

Normally, this verse is used in the context of not being afraid - afraid of the future, afraid of struggle, afraid of myself or others.  What made me giggle tonight was those last two words: "sound mind".

Man, some days I feel like I don't even have a brain.  Those days usually correlate with how much milk & wheat I eat the day before, but I just wonder all the time, "What the heck, Catie?  Where is your head?"  In outer space.  I think it's interesting that, even though I'm in a fog sometimes, God continues to increase my faith in him, and he is teaching me what it means to trust him, love him, and love others.  "Sound mind" doesn't mean "perfect thinking", which we should strive for, or "robot brain" which we have to work against, but I think it means "clarity".

Instead of dwelling on all of the unknowns in my life, I find this verse causing me to press into the fold of my Father, and take comfort in the fact that my brain doesn't belong to me, it belongs to him. 

What a relief.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Elephant.

I spent my entire morning watching BBC's "The Life of Mammal's"...it's a pretty sweet deal.  Not only am I resting my little legs, I'm learning strange things about all sorts of mammals on Netflix.  I mean, there are mammals I haven't even heard of. (Do you know what a Pika is?  Or that they layer different poisonous plants in their little caves in a time-sensitive order so that they are able to eat during the winter?  Or that the Tik-tik eats the lowest layer of Acacia leaves, the Impala eats the middle layer, the Gerenuk eats the layer above that (because of their smaller heads & extendable backbone), and giraffes eat the highest layer of the same plant?  I didn't.)

One animal in particular made me think of Jesus.  It was this momma elephant that was guiding her baby calf in the dark.  Apparently, elephants need dietary supplements like the next person, and they go into dark caves at night to break off large hunks of salt.  (See!  You didn't know that either, did you?)  They literally have to put one foot right in front of the other just to climb up into this huge cave.  A giant elephant led the way, and then the rest of the herd followed.

So.  This momma is not only trying to climb up a teeny tiny little path to get into a rocky, jaggedy cave, but she's doing it with her kid.  (Sounds like a lot of moms I know, metaphorically speaking...kudos to all you moms out there.)  Do you wanna know how she got her baby into the cave, and kept it from breaking it's little baby legs on the rocks?  With her trunk.  It was so crazy!

Now, you may be asking, "How the heck does that make you think of Jesus, Catie?"  Well.  The first thing I thought of when I saw that elephant gently but sternly guiding her baby was how Jesus uses his staff.  He does the exact same thing with us!  I almost started to cry because the parallel was so beautiful.

I know I've talked about Psalm 23 before, but here's v. 3-5:

"...he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
   through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.

I am so thankful that, like an elephant, Jesus is so strong & yet so sensitive towards us.  "The rod & staff" are sometimes spoken of in a negative connotation, but I truly think that Jesus leads us exactly as that momma elephant did.  With great care, great concern, and great compassion.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Speechless.

What a sweet taste of Spring the day was today.  I love the sun.  Can you believe it's already the middle of March?  I'm at a loss for words.  I have been this whole weekend.  I got to spend time with my little seesters on Friday and Saturday, which was super-fun.  This time continues to be a blessing.

Job (40:3), said to God: "I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me..."  That pretty much sums it up, huh.  Especially when I look at where I am at present.  I can't believe how much progress I have been making, and how well my left leg is doing.  I finally feel like it's catching up with the right.  I'm walking on it more, and moving around with much more ease than I was even last week. 

I think what is helping is that I'm going to the pool twice a week now, and doing physical therapy twice a week as well.  It's funny because instead of swimming in the private, 10' x 10' pool in the back of the PT building, I now have to be chair-lifted into the therapy pool in front of tons o' people.  It's humbling, but way worth it.  I think it just surprises people that I'm even out in public, but what has surprised me is how many people see me & offer help.  I mean, if you thought I was a doofus when I had complete use of all four appendages, you should see me now.  Oi.  It's so much fun though, and I'm so thankful for the Lord's continued provision. 

I've been thinking all weekend about the idea of time.  I'm sure you've heard the saying, "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it 'The Present'."  (Eleanor Roosevelt?)  It's true!  My dad has always been especially cognizant of this truth and, as a result, it imprinted on my brain from the time I was very young.  I have always had this awareness of space & time, and sometimes think a little too deeply about it.  But the Bible makes me feel better:

Teach us to number our days,
   that we may gain a heart of wisdom. 
- Psalm 90:12
That pretty much sums it up.  The average person (that lives to 70) only has 25,500 days.  Total.  Doesn't that seem like such a finite number of days?  Holy cow!  Using those same stats, I only have 46 years left - that's 16,790 days.  Man.  It just gets me every time.  We are not long here.

Lord, teach me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom.  Amen.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Beautiful.

Tonight, I fell in love.  I fell hard, my friends.

His name is Henri J. M. Nouwen.  He is a Catholic priest that wrote the book, "Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life", and I'm in love.  I mean, we can't ever get married because of that whole "vow of celibacy" thing.  And he died in 1996.  But why should that stop me?  My love for him will transcend time.  : )

On being "in the desert"...

"Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into fruitful solitude.  To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of strong faith.  This requires not only courage, but strong faith.  As hard as it is to believe that the dry desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty."

I find myself, once again, asking that same 'ol familiar question:

Do I really trust Jesus with my future?  

He has never failed me.  Never.  He has walked with me through the peaks and valleys of this journey, and he has never left my side.  He sticks up for me, and protects me from harm.  He has forgiven me innumerable times, and paid the debt which I owed.  He has revealed so much truth to me, and has captivated my heart & my attention.  Everything in me screams, "YES!!!", but my body is still.  My legs are weak.  I have become quite good at running away from loneliness, and as such, I lose heart too easily.  I am ashamed to admit that after four life-changing months, I still lack courage.

And yet.  There is hope.

Look at the beauty of the desert flower:




Courageous, are they not?

Thomas Merton said, "I have the immense joy of being man, a member of a race in which God Himself became incarnate.  As if the sorrows and stupidities of the human condition could overwhelm me, now I realize what we all are.  And if only everybody could realize this!  But it cannot be explained.  There is no way of telling people that they are walking around shining like the sun...There are not strangers!"

Another appealing thing about Nouwen: he quotes Merton a lot.

"Those who do not run away from our pains but touch them with compassion bring healing and new strength.  The paradox indeed is that the beginning of healing is in the solidarity with the pain.  In our solution-oriented society it is more important than ever to realize that wanting to alleviate pain without sharing it is like wanted to save a child from a burning house without the risk of being hurt.  It is in solitude that this compassionate solidarity takes is shape."

I don't know if it's because I feel my time at home/in Illinois/as a woman unable to fully walk is coming to a close, or if it's because I think I know when I'll be moving back to Milwaukee, or if it's because of the transition in my thinking, or if it's because of a really awesome sermon last Sunday on "bearing each others burdens", or if it's an avalanche of emotions after a great small group time tonight, but I have to start saying thank you now.  I'm running out of time; the snowball is so big!  I have to continue to thank those of you who were willing to bear my burdens, and the burdens of my family.  Thank you for sharing my pain & my joy.  I know that not all of you will even read this, but thank you for demonstrating hospitality and compassion not only with your lips, but with your lives. 

"Do not run, but be quiet and silent.  Listen attentively to your own struggle.  The answer to your question is hidden in your own heart."

Holy Spirit, I tune my ears to your voice; help me to hear your still soft whisper even as I continue to wander in the desert.  Thank you for hiding in my heart.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Remember.

Coffee at 12:30 this afternoon?  Bad life decision.  I haven't been able to fall asleep lately because I'm coming off of my Neurontin.  I am no longer taking any pain medication!  The problem is that I think my body was getting used to this medicine as an aid for sleeping.  (The bottle has all sorts of "sleepy" warnings plastered all over it...)  The other problem is that now all of my nerves are waking up, and have this tendency to say, "HELLO" at random times. 


On the way to the coffee shop this afternoon, Bowgirl and I stopped at a gas station to fill my car up, (cry).  I am continually thankful for her, and the fact that she is willing to drive an hour every week to spend a handful of hours with me, and much of that time is spent helping me with stuff.  Today her assistance included a fill-up at the station, but before she could get out of my car, I had my door open and my feet on the ground.  The only problem was that I didn't have my crutches under my little armpits; I was about to stand on my left leg. (!!!)  I had completely forgotten about my feet!  I pulled my foot back in, and started laughing because I couldn't believe I had tried to hop out of my car like I did.  I literally had forgotten about my foot.

Later, Bowgirl was like, "You know, that's exactly what it's like when you become a Christian.  You experience this sense of freedom once you realize that Jesus has forgiven you & redeemed you, and then, out of habit, you try to revert back to what you did before you committed your life to Christ.  You forget."

A.  Men. 

I forget so easily.  It's bad.  And, the word "remember" has been on my mind a lot lately.  I think God is trying to tell me something, and I think he has been trying to tell me for a long time.  I don't know if it's because I feel like this leg of the journey is coming to a close, or if it's because I can't remember half of the stories I tell people, or if it's because I need my Superwoman PT to make a list of the exercises I do so I can remember them when I get home.  Which I don't.  I just forget.  I forget who I am, I forget where I've been & what I've done (except my mistakes...)  I forget about what I'm supposed to be doing, I forget about my priorities, I forget about who I want to be.

But, the amazing part is that God saves me from myself again and again.  Oh grace.  I would be wandering around lost in the woods right now (probably eating grass & pine cones) if it weren't for the help of the Holy Spirit.  It is him that helps me to remember.  And it is Him that deserves every morsel of credit too.

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God...
What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching, with faith and love in Christ Jesus.  Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us." - 2 Timothy 1:7-8, 13-14

I must confess, I have never met Timothy.  But I trust that these words were spell-checked & proof-read by God, and I trust Him.  I have to remind myself of that in the first place, even when I'm ingesting Scripture.  Sometimes I catch myself forgetting about it's authority over my life...I will not lie to you, I have even wondered, "Can I really believe this?"  Even better:  "Do I practice this?"

We even need the Holy Spirit's help with understanding what He's saying in the first place, let alone remembering it.  And we need help discerning whether or not we are practicing what we believe.  I find it so interesting that Tim is encouraging the church to guard their faith & love in Jesus; in my opinion, they can be forgotten.  What I am so so so thankful for, and will eternally sing about, is the help that God gives us. 

I think that I've shared these lyrics before, but this song is stuck in my brain.  Lead Me To The Cross  by Hillsong will never lose it's meaning for me.  I will remember this song for as long as I live.

Savior I come
Quiet my soul
Remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as loss

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

Monday, March 7, 2011

Really.

You know, you'd think because I have lived in the Milwaukee area for about a year, and get lost in it quite frequently, I'd be able to find my way from Froedtert Hospital to my old house.  Nope.  I get lost everytime.  You can ask any of the Jens I know.  I call them on rotation every time I get lost.

I do have to say though that my parents and I have been able to uphold our tradition: leaving early in the am for the doctor, stopping at Starbizzle for soy hot chocolate & oatmeal, getting there exactly 3 minutes early, hooing and hawing it up with the coolest orthopedic floor in the world, heading to the Golden Gyro to celebrate, and getting lost on the way there.  Once there, my mom and I always share a jumbo burger, and we have a van party with the WoWo clan, which is always super-fun.  This is how it goes every time.

The only difference today was that I.  Drove.  Home.

Yes.  You heard right.  The doctor has officially given me the go-ahead!  Now if I get pulled over, I can tell the officer that my doctor said it's okay.  : ) I have so much good news from that man: in the next four weeks I will be working on increasing the weight bearing on my left leg from 50% to 100% (still in a boot), continue with the bone stim., and continue aquatic therapy.  And I really don't think he's lying when he says that my left leg (the one I was really worried about) really looks great.  Really.  I cannot BELIEVE how gracious God has been to me!

I go back to see him in two months.  I almost started to cry because I realized that my parents won't be with me at that appointment.  Today was the last time we will get to have that fun excursion.  *sigh*  This week has kind of been a mental transition week for me as far as mindsets go.  I'm (again) starting to do more and more on my own, and relying less on my parents for help and guidance.  It's exciting, and it's good, but I am sad.  I'm really going to miss my family.  Really really.

Yesterday in church, our pastor talked about how important it is that we carry one another's burdens.  I am so so so so so so thankful to have a family that was willing to help me carry mine.  And a church family as well.  Two of them actually.  And so many people...without the prayers and support (and visits and smiles and hugs!) of each person (seriously, each person) that has done so along the way, I really don't think I would be where I am. 

I will (hopefully...Lord-willingly) be walking again in four weeks.  Really.

Know.

“Search me, God, and know my heart;
Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting."

-Pslam 139:23&24

I am so thankful that God truly does know his way around our hearts.  Every nook and cranny, every thought before we even think it, every feeling before it is felt.

He is eager to transform us too, and he is so generous with his grace.  Even though it is so costly.  There are no accidents with him either; I continue to be blown away by the fact that he is not surprised by anything.  Despite the fact that we live in an icky and really frustrating place, everything has meaning & purpose when we are in tune with Jesus.  When I allow him to shift my thinking (into what some people call "eternal thinking"), my life changes.  Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.  It is a long, sometimes grueling, but ever-rewarding journey.

And I am thankful that the perspective he continues to give me is eternal.

When I used to read this verse, I always assumed that the "way everlasting" part was about heaven.  Heaven is something to look forward to, (I can't wait to boogy-down when I get there!  I'm going to swim underwater for days, and run around for weeks without stopping, and then I'm going to lay in the softest sweetest smelling grass ever and just lay there with Jesus.  That's my plan.  I seriously have butterflies in my stomach right now thinking about it.)  This heaven can only be found in Jesus, but I've come to realize that the "way everlasting" in this verse also speaks to my way of thinking.

When we ask God to lead us, to lead our lives & our every decision, he does. 

I've been amazed by how God has taken me into his arms and transformed my thinking in the last months.  His grace is ever-sufficient, and I think I maybe lost sight of it in the last few days.  (Confession time again...)  I have to laugh at myself all the time because my understanding of grace is so finite.  I just simply don't get it.  And yet is stares me in the face everyday.  Even on dizzy days.

To be known by God, and to know him is seriously the greatest joy in my life.  Our relationship is like a marriage; his grace is ever-present, but increases with my knowledge, which increases with my love, which increases with time, which increases with his grace.  Do I sound crazy yet? 

I vaguely remember C.S. Lewis talking about heaven in his last book, "The Last Battle".  When the main characters of his book get to Aslan's home (heaven), they start running into it.  And all the time Aslan is saying "Further in, higher up!" as if it were a circle that got bigger as you got closer to the center.  Does this make sense?  For example, if you were to be able to slowly walk into an orange, instead of the distance from you to the center getting smaller, it would actually get bigger.  It doesn't make sense in this world, but this is how I feel about God's grace sometimes.

It's like the saying, "The more I learn, I realize how little I know."

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
   a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
   for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.  Sing the praises of the LORD, enthroned in Zion;
   proclaim among the nations what he has done."
 -Psalm 9:9-11

And I'm so thankful that when we know something, and don't know what to do about it or how to act on it, we aren't stuck.  Just be still.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
-Psalm 46:10

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Help.

I just read it. 

I did.  I read the book that's been on my shelf for over four months.  Choosing To See, by Mary Beth Chapman.  If you haven't heard the story yet, you should watch some of it at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgbnjE20vs0

I don't really listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's music very often, but he is a very famous Christian song-writer.  A little over two years ago, his daughter, Maria, was killed in a car accident in her driveway.  Her brother (who was not on his cell phone, and not driving fast), accidentally hit her while he was pulling into their house.

I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose a daughter/sister, let alone in seconds.  I remember my friend Bowgirl calling me, and telling me about the accident & what had happened to the Chapman family.  I couldn't believe it.  I remember praying so fervently for them, and wondering why.  Why would God would allow it to happen?  So when I was given this book a few months ago, I set it on the shelf to save "for later", mostly because I knew I couldn't handle the emotions of reading it & digesting it while I was trying to wrestle with so many of my own.  I decided that today would be the day. 

I'm glad it was, but now I'm pretty speechless.  I mean, there's a lot running through my brain.  I can in no way compare what happened to me to the loss of the Chapman family, but there are elements in Mary Beth's book that I find myself drawn to. 

I have striven for honesty in this blog, but I was blown away by hers.  I've kind of shared a little bit about how I've been feeling this transition into a new phase of my journey, almost as if this "leg" is coming to an end.  What I've been trying to tell myself over the last few months, (that the next months are going to be even more challenging for me), is actually starting to sink in.  And it hurts.  I'm so close to walking again I can taste it, but, yet, I look up and the mountain I have to climb seems so big.

My wonderful God has given me so much strength throughout this journey.  It has hurt, and it has been painful, and it has been wonderful all at the same time.  He has taught me humility.  What it means to be a friend, and have friendship.  What it means to serve sacrificially.  What it means to suffer well.  I could go on and on and on and on and on.  He deserves so much glory!  SO much!  It belongs to him alone, for I could never have made it this far without him.

"[Praise to the LORD] LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago!!"  -Isaiah 25:1 (emphasis added)

In the midst of it all, I find that I'm encountering emotions and feelings that I haven't felt before, and reading this book was like opening a floodgate in my heart.  Please pray for me; I so covet your prayers.  Pray that the voice of the accuser would be stifled, and that the voice of Truth would continue to speak loud and clear.  I desperately need his help.

"We wait in hope for the LORD;
   he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
   for we trust in his holy name."

-Psalm 33:20 &21

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Music.

I love music.  So so much.

I realized today, while I was watching my baby sisters play in their band concert, how much I miss singing in a choir.  There is so much to be said for singing in a unified group of people, and it has been such a long time since I have been able to do it.  I mean, I hardly sing at all these days.  I feel like I sing in my heart and in my head, but my vocal chords never jump in on the action.  They are on sabbatical with my legs, apparently.

Anyway, I felt so honored to be able to watch the twins play tonight, and I continue (even STILL!) to count the ways in which I have been blessed by my time at home. 

I know I've shared this verse before, but it's one of my favorites:

Psalm 57:7&8

"My heart, O God, is steadfast,
   my heart is steadfast;
   I will sing and make music.
Awake, my soul!
   Awake, harp and lyre!
   I will awaken the dawn."

Wheelchair.

I was talking to a woman at my church last Sunday who had hip replacement surgery a few weeks ago.  She looks great, and is healing well.  We got to talking about the healing process though, and she said that she felt like she had been taking leaps and bounds, but then soon after was having to slow down and take a step back.

This is how I feel tonight.

I twisted my leg in a funny position about a week ago, and then the magical orange bump appeared in my leg a couple of days later.  You know the story.  The swelling is gone now, but the pain is still there, and it's making me nervous.  

Then, my wheelchair was returned to Walgreens today, (yes Walgreens rents wheelchairs), and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  You'd think that with me driving yesterday, and walking in a shoe for a while would bring me some sense of comfort, but they don't.  I'm feeling a little nervous about where my feet & legs are in the healing process today.  Tonight I'm asking questions like, "Is the bone stimulator going to work?  Is there a reason the tendon in my right leg hurts?  Why don't the scars look better?  Did I do something to them?  Are the weird bumps on the bottom of my left foot going to go away?"  Steps back from my optimism yesterday.

It's hard to take steps backwards, isn't it?  It is for me.  Especially because I love shortcuts and normalcuts and not thelongwayaroundcuts.  For instance: teaching.  I have been reflecting a lot lately on my student teaching/subbing experience, partly because I'm starting to think about where I'm going to work when I head back to Milwaukee.  It makes me really nervous.  It's also partly because I feel like I've had to take steps backward as far as the expectations for myself & for my jobs go, even before I fell.  That's more figurative, I guess. 

Literally speaking, I've been thinking about what it's going to mean to stand on my feet all day at work now, and to feel the results of that at the end of the day.  How am I going to sit down and get up like I did before?  Am I going to be able to crouch down to talk to kids?  Will the school I was working at even take me back, knowing that I have sustained such an extensive injury?  Then, I start worrying about my actual ability to teach.  My confidence level wasn't very high coming out of student teaching, and now I feel so out-of-practice.  Will the classroom feel foreign now?  What do I do next?  What if I'm not able to work this Spring at all?  Or Summer?  Or Fall?  What if none of my plans go like I think they will?

The returning of my silly wheelchair is what started all the questions.  I can see now that they have spun out of control.  (I really was sad to say goodbye to that thing.  It helped me so much in the last months - I have a lot of memories in it.)  I think what really scares me is that now there is no turning back.  Literally and figuratively. 

Anyway.  Enough what-ifs for the night.  God is sovereign.  He has gotten me this far, and his hands have brought me back to his gaze time and time again.  As long as my eyes are there, I will not worry.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts..."

Phew. 

"You will go out in joy
   and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
   will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
   will clap their hands."

 Isaiah 55:8, 9, & 12

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The End.

I have officially arrived at the tail-end of the journey.  Wanna know how I know?

I DROVE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

First time in four months.  I'm pretty sure I haven't felt that way since the first time I rode in my car by myself - windows down & music blaring.  Just don't tell my doctor.  Apparently, there could be an issue with my ability to slam on the brakes, but I think all systems are go.  My mom whipped into the church parking lot and let me do a little test run, so you don't have to freak out or anything.  She's a smart lady.  Pretty sure she wouldn't let me do anything too stupid.  It's like riding a bike.  It came back pretty easily.  Talk about new beginnings.

We got home after a short 500-foot stint (the church is right across the street from my house), and I just looked at her while we sat in the driveway.  The end is near.  Not the end, the end, but the kind of end where the light at the end of the tunnel gets really bright.  Just to clarify.

Later, after she & I had dropped my sister off at her violin lessons, I piped up (like any eager 15 or 16 year-old...I have no shame) and said, "Hey!  Can I drive?"  "Sure!", was the reply.  So I hobbled into the driver's seat, and put her to D.  (You should see my mad skillz with the e-brake...I use my right foot to unlock it & it has to be funny to watch.)  I got going down a busy four-lane street, and I started getting nervous.  "Is this really like riding a bike?  I mean, I'm pretty sure bikes don't weigh a ton."  The my mom tried to calmly question: "Why are you hugging the curb so close?  Catie, you need to get over.  Do you always hug the curb like that?  Catie, you really should give them some space.  Allow for space, Cate.  GIVE THEM SOME SPACE." 

*gasp*!!!

Just kidding. 

It brought back so many memories.  Except this time I felt equipped with humility, and just said, "Okay.  You got it, mommy-o."  Just like that.  I got into the middle, and I gave them some space.  No sarcasm, no snarky or snide remarks.  Eventually, we made it to Target, where everyone did a double take...  "Did that girl just get out of the driver's seat with crutches?"

Why, yes, she did. 

Little do they know that my right foot works.  And that it can drive. 

: )