Longing.

The sun shone so brightly today, even if it did set too soon.  I figured out that I can turn my blinds so that the light actually hits me in the face.  It's a beautiful thing.  I feel a strange connection with the sun, and I need it to live.  I could never live in the northern east coast - I would cry everyday.  On cloudy days I would cry because I missed the sun, and on sunny days I would weep with joy.  Here, there is a lot of snow on the ground still, and we're expecting more this weekend.  A lot more actually.  I have this incredible longing to go outside and hear the crunch of it under my feet, and take long, brisk walks in the cold.  Like, I can't even describe it to you.  I love that sound!  I was so excited on the day that it snowed recently, but I found later myself feeling a little sad because I can't crunch it or look back at my footprints.  It's such a weird feeling.

I think I'm just reaching the point in my journey, as someone with two out-of-order appendages, where I feel more myself, but I can't quite act that way.  I keep having dreams where I saw off my casts and start walking around.  I always wake up in a sweat because I'm freaking out inside while I watch myself walk.  Or I'll walk on my casts, and laugh in my dreams.  Bizarre, but true.  And not said for pity, but the longing to walk is so deep - it permeates a lot of different desires.

This feeling of longing is something I have definitely felt before.  A longing to find the right job, a longing to be with people I miss, a longing to fall in love.  I especially feel a longing to be with Jesus.  When I think about heaven, & I envision what it's going to be like to stand, finally, before Jesus, this pit forms in my stomach.  Every time.  I feel so excited when I think about it, and I start to think like a three year old.  You know what I mean, right?  Like, you just want to run into the arms of the people you think are just so awesome, and have them hold you, and kiss you all over, and then put you down and chase you around.  I'm sighing.  I can't wait to stand before him, fall at his feet, and worship him.  To see what he looks like, and have him hold me, and tell me, "Welcome home."

There is this song by a woman named Audrey Assad, called "For Love of You".  The gist of it is that loving Jesus makes her come alive; it's his voice that has her singing out; she's watched him carve streets of gold from sand and gravel.  My favorite part of the song is the bridge:

"You are my deepest longing, and so I see you everywhere; it's you I'm chasing after.  Cause I am captivated by who you are, and how you move, I'll follow you forever."

I just love it.  My bones jump for joy inside my body because it excites me more than anything else has, can, or will in my life.  Chasing after Jesus is fun, exciting, and full of joy.  I also find myself out of breath, and frustrated sometimes because I can't catch him.  I am captivated by the way he lived his life: selflessly, humbly, full of compassion & mercy.  He knew who he was, and who God had created him to be.  He was passionate about God's word, and the things his Father had instructed him to do.  He loved learning, but knew how to ask questions.  He loved kids, and the sick & poor & forgotten.  He was patient and kind to people even when he had said something twenty times.  Literally.  Gentle and just.  Pure, yet willing to step beyond the bounds society had drawn for him.  Patient, yet full of his father's zeal for how life should be lived.

I mean, those aren't just "good things" - those are things that Jesus embodied as a man who really lived.  He really did the things the disciples said he did!  Those are the things that captivate my attention, that make him so attractive to me.  I want those things.  Now.  Today.  Right this second.  But, it takes time to become like Jesus.  Our lives change the second we choose to chase after him, but we have to stop sometimes, and fight off the things that get our feet tangled up, or dump the rocks from our shoes.  Or you break your legs, and you can't run.  But seriously, our lives soon fill up with things that distract us or discourage us because we live in a fallen world.

This is where my deep longing for heaven comes in.  The best part is gonna be that when I get to heaven, and I'm chasing Jesus through beautiful things that my mind can't even imagine, I'll never be out of breath.  I'm gonna tackle him to the ground and give him a huge hug.  As cheesy as it sounds, that's what's gonna go down.