Oh man. I'm zapped. I'm just going to write down every thing I'm thinking, without a lot of filtering, so it might get long. All I know is that today was a huge day, and I have to write it all down before I forget.
Today was a turning point for me. I did have both of my casts removed today, with only one replaced, and it went very well. God is so incredibly good to me. When we got to the hospital, we found out that my doctor called in sick, so I was to be attended by his residents. That's cool with me because three of them were there during the surgery. The casts were removed for x-rays, and I headed in to get rayed. I told them that they were going to need the longer plates to set my legs on, but they didn't believe me. Then they cheerfully told me (once they realized that the smaller ones wouldn't work with the long plates in my leg) that, next time, I should tell them that they would need the longer plates. Know what I learned in that moment? Submission. I just said, "Okay!" as kindly as I could. One of the technicians recognized me from the night that I had come into the emergency room, and we got to chatting. I wish that I had said something more substantial to her because God has truly done a great work in my life. I couldn't say anything more than just the fact that I am so blessed.
Today. I looked at my legs. For the first time since I fell, I looked at my legs. Even after I had fallen, I refused to look down at them because I just didn't want to know what they looked like. Pictures have been taken, documentation will one day be posted to this blog, but I refused to see them until today. It was the first turning point for me.
Then I had my legs scrubbed by the casting man that was in Las Vegas when I was there last. It felt so good. Unfortunately, I'm what you might call a "picker" - I pick at anything that will come off or out of my body. Scabs, zits, other gross body things...it's gross, I know, but I can't help it. So I had to work hard not to pick at the dry skin flaking off of my legs. I made friends with the lady that had done my black casts, and was so relieved when she came into the room. Cast man wasn't friendly, and I'm overly sensitive. His job is hard, I know. And he was probably really stressed out. But I like cast lady so much better. She let me have extra wash rags to rub my legs with after cast man missed a few spots. I nearly rubbed them raw. One scab was green, and cast lady showed me that I could just pick it off. Sweet, huh?
The conversation in the casting room was so sad to me, it broke my heart. An older man in a car accident, a young woman with undeveloped legs who had just had surgery, a man who had fallen on the ice...I didn't know how to convey hope to them. It's so hard because I want to just roll up to each of them and tell them I'm praying for them, and ask them questions, and give them hugs, and offer hope. I didn't know how. There was an awkward silence that I couldn't seem to fill, and I think it's because I may have been trying to fill it on my own. I prayed yesterday that my conversations would make people thirsty for Jesus, but I don't think anyone wanted to talk. So I tried to listen without eavesdropping, and I will continue to pray for each of those people.
After the intern my age moved my feet around (a lot), I found out that my doctor was, in fact, coming in even though he was sick. I was relieved because I had never met the intern that was moving my feet around, and it was weird. But anyway, my sick doctor came in, and I was glad to see him. He said that x-rays looked WONDERFUL! Isn't that amazing? The fractures are healing beautifully, and he seemed so excited, despite being sick. I am so thankful, and I couldn't stop smiling. So, I got a boot for my right leg, and a candy cane cast on my left. I have it for another month, and then I'll get that one off as well. Physical therapy starts on the right leg, but mostly for movement & flexibility: standing and walking have to wait a little longer.
After that, I hit another turning point: my first pee in a public bathroom as a person in a wheelchair. It was crazy, and no matter what people may say, they are not truly wheelchair accessible. It was incredibly eye-opening. I'm just thankful for my mom and dad, yet again. I needed a lot of help.
Hopped in the car, grabbed some lunch, stopped by a few houses to say hello (not as many as I wish I could have, but super-fun), armed ourselves with Starbucks, and we were off.
Now I'm home.
I took my boot off tonight and saw that my foot looked really swollen. It hit me. Hard. I started to freak out a little. Then it snowballed. I should have just taken a Percoset to settle down, but I am petrified that my stitches are going to rip open while I'm thrashing around in my sleep, as I so often do, and I want to be able to tell if that happens. I can't sleep with my boot on because it cuts into my calve muscle, and cuts off circulation. So, I put the inner sleeve on after much panicking and whining. My poor mom. My dad wasn't home at the time, and I was just freaking out in my chair. I couldn't get comfortable. So, we took the sleeve out, iced it, and popped in a movie (too early for bed...)
It worked for, like 30 minutes, and then I started freaking out again. "The sleeve isn't fitting right. Why is it so swollen? What should I do? Why are my incisions tingling? Why can't I get comfortable?" It's just not like me. I've felt out of my comfort zone several times before, but I find that my responses are changing, and I'm not sure what's going on. My parents had to stay with me for, like, 10 minutes tonight before they went upstairs. I needed a lot of reassurance, and it's just different. I know it's a transition, it's just temporary, it's going to be okay. But it's really scary. I'm so thankful that, even though they are so tired, they've been driving me around for five hours (literally), and they woke up really early this morning, they still waited with me, prayed with me, and walked me through the fact that my legs have been in a cast for six weeks, and the stitches aren't going to rip open.
I have only felt fear in transitions. This is my life story. It felt good just to sob tonight, not because it hurts, but because I found myself feeling afraid. It's the same exact fear I felt throughout my student teaching experience, after my student teaching, when I couldn't figure out what I was going to do next, or where. I couldn't get past my failure. I'm afraid that I might be spoiled, or coddled in a situation so I try to tough it out. But I also need help, and have to communicate effectively. I just can't seem to find the balance. It's just bringing back a lot of memories, stirring up a lot of baggage, and I'm finding it difficult to wade through. I have failed at this over and over and over within the last several years; it's so fresh. And frustrating. A new kind of fear is starting to build up inside of me; the fear of the past & the future. Paranoia. Worry. I have succumbed to this far more than I care to admit over the last year - it was an extremely rough year. But I want to change how I respond. I want to do things differently. I just don't know how. It hurts to admit that.
This is a journey. I know that I'm pushing into a different chapter within this journey, and things like physical therapy, stretching out of my comfort level, and being out of a safe cast are going to bring new challenges. But I am going to be praying about how to respond in a healthy way. It sort of feels like an attack on all sides, and for some reason, I feel like the fear started to penetrate in tonight. Baggage can do some pretty crazy things, can't it?
But Jesus is more powerful than that. Surrender. It happens every. single. day. Every day has to be surrendered to Him. Every piece of baggage that I own has to be handed over to him.
It was hard seeing my legs, but I still feel hope. It was hard figuring out how to function with my legs so exposed, but life is not always about being comfortable. It was hard to think clearly tonight amidst so many different emotions and feelings, but after praying with my parents (my community), I feel so much more peace.
My relationship with God is honestly what is getting me through this. It is what has made this journey so far a deep, deep blessing in my life. It is what has brought so many things to light for me, teaching experiences along the way, so many circles of learning. It is where the peace and hope have come from so far; I just have to remember to rely on it at all times. Trying times. Scary times. Exciting times. Funny times. Painful times. Humiliating times. Quiet times. Emotional times.
The next chapter is going to be great, only because I serve a great God. Despite my limitations, he can still do great things. It may be painful, and it may stretch me, but he is the best TeacherCounselorFriendRedeemer
ListenerLoverFather I will ever have in my entire life. All thanks go to him.
No comments:
Post a Comment