I had PT this morning and WALKED on crutches for the first time ever!!! Whoot whoot! A whole ten feet. It was pretty exciting. I was supposed to do a small cadence at first...like a "crutch, step, crutch, step" to start with, but my leg was just too excited. It seriously took on a life of its own and was like, "crutch, SUH-WING, crutch, SUH-WING". I even had the "turning around" part down. Oh yeah baby. Pretty sure I scared the crud out of my physical therapist. She was as surprised as I was actually. But she's like Superwoman, so everything was a-okay. I'm only walking on crutches at physical therapy right now, and hopefully will be on them at home next week! Best birthday present EVA!!
Anyway, I enjoyed the rest of the (second snow) day with mi familia. We made cookies, had tostadas for lunch, watched Spiderman...sounds enjoyable, right? It was. I'm really really enjoying this valuable season with my family. I wouldn't trade it for a thing. This time has been such a blessing to me. But, you see, I am also a selfish human being. Or, in the words of the BFG (the Big Friendly Giant), a human bean. My value for my family goes flying out the window whenever I get my feelings hurt (aka: when I'm focused on myself.) And that happens a lot because I'm a pansy. A huge pansy... like, you could just look at me wrong, and I can get my feelings hurt. It's bad, but I'm working on it. Again, I'm a Meyers-Briggs "ENFP".
Anyway. So tonight, a certain family member (who shall remain nameless) had a certain tone in their voice that just rubbed me wrong. Instead of looking at it from their perspective, or praying about reacting in a Godly way, I just flew off the handle. It could have something to do with a certain nap I accidentally took, but it was mostly because I made the wrong choice.
"Why do you always have to talk to me in that tone?! I KNOW that I need to do that! Why are you even SAYING this to me?! What's with your tone? Do you think I'm dumb or something?!" Waa waa waaaa waa waa waa waaaa...on and on I went, trying so hard to make my point. Actually, I was trying to drill it into them, pounding it home until finally I was like, "YOU KNOW WHAT?" (the caps are because I'm yelling at this point. I yell all the time - when I'm excited, when I'm talking about something I'm passionate about, and/or when I'm upset. And it's not because I'm deaf. I just yell sometimes.)
"YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M NOT GOING TO SMALL GROUP TONIGHT! I'M NOT GONNA GO BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE CAR WITH YOU!"
I hope you are laughing at this point. It's quite funny. I hope you can see me acting like such a dork. I'm such a petty girl sometimes. Five minutes later, several family members walked out the door to go to their various places, and I started crying. I really did want to go to small group, and I knew that I needed to, but I was not going to admit it. Mistake number two. My pride got in the way, and even though I felt like I had "won" the argument, I was really mad at myself for acting so selfishly. Luckily (with some divine intervention) they had to come back inside because they had the wrong keys. And they saw me and were like, "Kid, get in the car. We're taking you to small group."
This is a testament to how wonderful my parents are. Really. I was being so stupid. I have, obviously, at this point in the "conversation" lost focus of Jesus or I wouldn't have been acting this way. They were running late to where they needed to go, but they knew that I needed to get out. To have time with other Christ-followers. To learn more about Jesus' character. To pray with and for other people. To confess ways in which I have been selfish (ahem...five minutes ago...) and have them pray for me. Thank you, God, for small groups. (In case you don't know, a "small group" is basically a small group of people studying Scripture, discussing and talking about who Jesus is, who he claimed to be, and ways that we can be more like him. It is a wonderful way to think outside of your perception of who Jesus is - I would highly recommend one if you aren't currently committed to a "small group".)
And, you know what else? I realized tonight that I have this crazy tendency to try to "zing" my family members when I'm mad at them. You know like, "zing" gotcha there, or "zing" I win this argument. On top of being a yeller, I'm a zinger. Isn't that awful? This is some major confession time, so don't tell anyone I'm telling you this, okay? It'll be between you and me. And pray for me. No really, please pray for me. We are human beans, and we fall short, but we are called to be different. To be like Jesus.
Conflict is something that is healthy, and something that we can use to worship God, and glorify him. Truly. It's all in how we respond to one another though. And, let me tell you. I have seen him use it to do great things, and I have also seen it rip people apart, when they try to do things on their own. When I try to do things on my own is what I should say.
It's happened to me. It's actually a part of my testimony (my story), and if you want to hear it, you should ask me sometime. God truly intervened in my life, and in the lives of my family members, and reconciled my relationship. Especially with my parents. Especially with my momma. It was a long process, and it is an on-going process. Like being married. We never "arrive" at any relational destination - we are always working on being more like Jesus. I'm always working on treating my parents & my sisters with more respect and consideration. How often I fall short. I'm so thankful that Jesus is at the center of our family because each member has given me more grace than I deserve, just like He has.
So. Tonight, I'm not going to do any more speaking. I am just going to post what correction I found this evening from Matthew. Matthew was one of Jesus' disciples, and he wrote the first book of the New Testament. He shares many things about conflict in his book - there is a lot of dialogue from Jesus within its pages, and the follow passages are from v.38-48, (16:21-23 is also a great reference):
"Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.'
Is that going to get us anywhere?
Here's what I (Jesus) propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff.
Live generously.
You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.
In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
An unnamed family member; like we all don't know who it was! There's like 10 directions I want to go with this, but I only have like this little 5x5 window to write in, which is a gentle reminder to keep it brief :-)
ReplyDeleteLet's blame this conflict on the "S" and "N". You see an ESFP with ADHD that recognizes his shortfalls, senses (the "S") the need to work with the facts, in some cases, the reality of things past. The ENFP person is able to more comfortably work with her intuition (the "N"), and is thus more moved by the reality of what might be.
The reality of what has been in the past and what might be in the future are potentially at odds, the conflict stemming from the S and the N. It is here that one is able to step back and truly appreciate God's grace (I wonder how God would score on the Myers-Briggs :-).
Interesting enough, I also just had a conversation with one of our leaders yesterday about communication: 5% words, 45% tone, and 50% visual. This statistic continues to ring true, and here is a reminder how important it for some unnamed people to watch their tone and guard their tongue. It is also a reminder that if something is important, do not send an email or merely pick up the phone, but rather make time for a face to face - especially if an apology is in order! See you in a little while.
On belay!