Help.

I just read it. 

I did.  I read the book that's been on my shelf for over four months.  Choosing To See, by Mary Beth Chapman.  If you haven't heard the story yet, you should watch some of it at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgbnjE20vs0

I don't really listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's music very often, but he is a very famous Christian song-writer.  A little over two years ago, his daughter, Maria, was killed in a car accident in her driveway.  Her brother (who was not on his cell phone, and not driving fast), accidentally hit her while he was pulling into their house.

I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose a daughter/sister, let alone in seconds.  I remember my friend Bowgirl calling me, and telling me about the accident & what had happened to the Chapman family.  I couldn't believe it.  I remember praying so fervently for them, and wondering why.  Why would God would allow it to happen?  So when I was given this book a few months ago, I set it on the shelf to save "for later", mostly because I knew I couldn't handle the emotions of reading it & digesting it while I was trying to wrestle with so many of my own.  I decided that today would be the day. 

I'm glad it was, but now I'm pretty speechless.  I mean, there's a lot running through my brain.  I can in no way compare what happened to me to the loss of the Chapman family, but there are elements in Mary Beth's book that I find myself drawn to. 

I have striven for honesty in this blog, but I was blown away by hers.  I've kind of shared a little bit about how I've been feeling this transition into a new phase of my journey, almost as if this "leg" is coming to an end.  What I've been trying to tell myself over the last few months, (that the next months are going to be even more challenging for me), is actually starting to sink in.  And it hurts.  I'm so close to walking again I can taste it, but, yet, I look up and the mountain I have to climb seems so big.

My wonderful God has given me so much strength throughout this journey.  It has hurt, and it has been painful, and it has been wonderful all at the same time.  He has taught me humility.  What it means to be a friend, and have friendship.  What it means to serve sacrificially.  What it means to suffer well.  I could go on and on and on and on and on.  He deserves so much glory!  SO much!  It belongs to him alone, for I could never have made it this far without him.

"[Praise to the LORD] LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago!!"  -Isaiah 25:1 (emphasis added)

In the midst of it all, I find that I'm encountering emotions and feelings that I haven't felt before, and reading this book was like opening a floodgate in my heart.  Please pray for me; I so covet your prayers.  Pray that the voice of the accuser would be stifled, and that the voice of Truth would continue to speak loud and clear.  I desperately need his help.

"We wait in hope for the LORD;
   he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
   for we trust in his holy name."

-Psalm 33:20 &21