Speechless.

What a sweet taste of Spring the day was today.  I love the sun.  Can you believe it's already the middle of March?  I'm at a loss for words.  I have been this whole weekend.  I got to spend time with my little seesters on Friday and Saturday, which was super-fun.  This time continues to be a blessing.

Job (40:3), said to God: "I'm speechless, in awe—words fail me..."  That pretty much sums it up, huh.  Especially when I look at where I am at present.  I can't believe how much progress I have been making, and how well my left leg is doing.  I finally feel like it's catching up with the right.  I'm walking on it more, and moving around with much more ease than I was even last week. 

I think what is helping is that I'm going to the pool twice a week now, and doing physical therapy twice a week as well.  It's funny because instead of swimming in the private, 10' x 10' pool in the back of the PT building, I now have to be chair-lifted into the therapy pool in front of tons o' people.  It's humbling, but way worth it.  I think it just surprises people that I'm even out in public, but what has surprised me is how many people see me & offer help.  I mean, if you thought I was a doofus when I had complete use of all four appendages, you should see me now.  Oi.  It's so much fun though, and I'm so thankful for the Lord's continued provision. 

I've been thinking all weekend about the idea of time.  I'm sure you've heard the saying, "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it 'The Present'."  (Eleanor Roosevelt?)  It's true!  My dad has always been especially cognizant of this truth and, as a result, it imprinted on my brain from the time I was very young.  I have always had this awareness of space & time, and sometimes think a little too deeply about it.  But the Bible makes me feel better:

Teach us to number our days,
   that we may gain a heart of wisdom. 

- Psalm 90:12

That pretty much sums it up.  The average person (that lives to 70) only has 25,500 days.  Total.  Doesn't that seem like such a finite number of days?  Holy cow!  Using those same stats, I only have 46 years left - that's 16,790 days.  Man.  It just gets me every time.  We are not long here.

Lord, teach me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom.  Amen.

Beautiful.

Tonight, I fell in love.  I fell hard, my friends.

His name is Henri J. M. Nouwen.  He is a Catholic priest that wrote the book, "Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life", and I'm in love.  I mean, we can't ever get married because of that whole "vow of celibacy" thing.  And he died in 1996.  But why should that stop me?  My love for him will transcend time.  : )

On being "in the desert"...

"Instead of running away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into fruitful solitude.  To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into the desert of our loneliness and to change it by gentle and persistent efforts into a garden of strong faith.  This requires not only courage, but strong faith.  As hard as it is to believe that the dry desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty."

I find myself, once again, asking that same 'ol familiar question:

Do I really trust Jesus with my future?  

He has never failed me.  Never.  He has walked with me through the peaks and valleys of this journey, and he has never left my side.  He sticks up for me, and protects me from harm.  He has forgiven me innumerable times, and paid the debt which I owed.  He has revealed so much truth to me, and has captivated my heart & my attention.  Everything in me screams, "YES!!!", but my body is still.  My legs are weak.  I have become quite good at running away from loneliness, and as such, I lose heart too easily.  I am ashamed to admit that after four life-changing months, I still lack courage.

And yet.  There is hope.

Look at the beauty of the desert flower:

Courageous, are they not?

Thomas Merton said, "I have the immense joy of being man, a member of a race in which God Himself became incarnate.  As if the sorrows and stupidities of the human condition could overwhelm me, now I realize what we all are.  And if only everybody could realize this!  But it cannot be explained.  There is no way of telling people that they are walking around shining like the sun...There are not strangers!"

Another appealing thing about Nouwen: he quotes Merton a lot.

"Those who do not run away from our pains but touch them with compassion bring healing and new strength.  The paradox indeed is that the beginning of healing is in the solidarity with the pain.  In our solution-oriented society it is more important than ever to realize that wanting to alleviate pain without sharing it is like wanted to save a child from a burning house without the risk of being hurt.  It is in solitude that this compassionate solidarity takes is shape."

I don't know if it's because I feel my time at home/in Illinois/as a woman unable to fully walk is coming to a close, or if it's because I think I know when I'll be moving back to Milwaukee, or if it's because of the transition in my thinking, or if it's because of a really awesome sermon last Sunday on "bearing each others burdens", or if it's an avalanche of emotions after a great small group time tonight, but I have to start saying thank you now.  I'm running out of time; the snowball is so big!  I have to continue to thank those of you who were willing to bear my burdens, and the burdens of my family.  Thank you for sharing my pain & my joy.  I know that not all of you will even read this, but thank you for demonstrating hospitality and compassion not only with your lips, but with your lives. 

"Do not run, but be quiet and silent.  Listen attentively to your own struggle.  The answer to your question is hidden in your own heart."

Holy Spirit, I tune my ears to your voice; help me to hear your still soft whisper even as I continue to wander in the desert.  Thank you for hiding in my heart.

Remember.

Coffee at 12:30 this afternoon?  Bad life decision.  I haven't been able to fall asleep lately because I'm coming off of my Neurontin.  I am no longer taking any pain medication!  The problem is that I think my body was getting used to this medicine as an aid for sleeping.  (The bottle has all sorts of "sleepy" warnings plastered all over it...)  The other problem is that now all of my nerves are waking up, and have this tendency to say, "HELLO" at random times. 


On the way to the coffee shop this afternoon, Bowgirl and I stopped at a gas station to fill my car up, (cry).  I am continually thankful for her, and the fact that she is willing to drive an hour every week to spend a handful of hours with me, and much of that time is spent helping me with stuff.  Today her assistance included a fill-up at the station, but before she could get out of my car, I had my door open and my feet on the ground.  The only problem was that I didn't have my crutches under my little armpits; I was about to stand on my left leg. (!!!)  I had completely forgotten about my feet!  I pulled my foot back in, and started laughing because I couldn't believe I had tried to hop out of my car like I did.  I literally had forgotten about my foot.

Later, Bowgirl was like, "You know, that's exactly what it's like when you become a Christian.  You experience this sense of freedom once you realize that Jesus has forgiven you & redeemed you, and then, out of habit, you try to revert back to what you did before you committed your life to Christ.  You forget."

A.  Men. 

I forget so easily.  It's bad.  And, the word "remember" has been on my mind a lot lately.  I think God is trying to tell me something, and I think he has been trying to tell me for a long time.  I don't know if it's because I feel like this leg of the journey is coming to a close, or if it's because I can't remember half of the stories I tell people, or if it's because I need my Superwoman PT to make a list of the exercises I do so I can remember them when I get home.  Which I don't.  I just forget.  I forget who I am, I forget where I've been & what I've done (except my mistakes...)  I forget about what I'm supposed to be doing, I forget about my priorities, I forget about who I want to be.

But, the amazing part is that God saves me from myself again and again.  Oh grace.  I would be wandering around lost in the woods right now (probably eating grass & pine cones) if it weren't for the help of the Holy Spirit.  It is him that helps me to remember.  And it is Him that deserves every morsel of credit too.

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God...
What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching, with faith and love in Christ Jesus.  Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us." - 2 Timothy 1:7-8, 13-14

I must confess, I have never met Timothy.  But I trust that these words were spell-checked & proof-read by God, and I trust Him.  I have to remind myself of that in the first place, even when I'm ingesting Scripture.  Sometimes I catch myself forgetting about it's authority over my life...I will not lie to you, I have even wondered, "Can I really believe this?"  Even better:  "Do I practice this?"

We even need the Holy Spirit's help with understanding what He's saying in the first place, let alone remembering it.  And we need help discerning whether or not we are practicing what we believe.  I find it so interesting that Tim is encouraging the church to guard their faith & love in Jesus; in my opinion, they can be forgotten.  What I am so so so thankful for, and will eternally sing about, is the help that God gives us. 

I think that I've shared these lyrics before, but this song is stuck in my brain.  Lead Me To The Cross  by Hillsong will never lose it's meaning for me.  I will remember this song for as long as I live.

Savior I come
Quiet my soul
Remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as loss

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

Really.

You know, you'd think because I have lived in the Milwaukee area for about a year, and get lost in it quite frequently, I'd be able to find my way from Froedtert Hospital to my old house.  Nope.  I get lost everytime.  You can ask any of the Jens I know.  I call them on rotation every time I get lost.

I do have to say though that my parents and I have been able to uphold our tradition: leaving early in the am for the doctor, stopping at Starbizzle for soy hot chocolate & oatmeal, getting there exactly 3 minutes early, hooing and hawing it up with the coolest orthopedic floor in the world, heading to the Golden Gyro to celebrate, and getting lost on the way there.  Once there, my mom and I always share a jumbo burger, and we have a van party with the WoWo clan, which is always super-fun.  This is how it goes every time.

The only difference today was that I.  Drove.  Home.

Yes.  You heard right.  The doctor has officially given me the go-ahead!  Now if I get pulled over, I can tell the officer that my doctor said it's okay.  : ) I have so much good news from that man: in the next four weeks I will be working on increasing the weight bearing on my left leg from 50% to 100% (still in a boot), continue with the bone stim., and continue aquatic therapy.  And I really don't think he's lying when he says that my left leg (the one I was really worried about) really looks great.  Really.  I cannot BELIEVE how gracious God has been to me!

I go back to see him in two months.  I almost started to cry because I realized that my parents won't be with me at that appointment.  Today was the last time we will get to have that fun excursion.  *sigh*  This week has kind of been a mental transition week for me as far as mindsets go.  I'm (again) starting to do more and more on my own, and relying less on my parents for help and guidance.  It's exciting, and it's good, but I am sad.  I'm really going to miss my family.  Really really.

Yesterday in church, our pastor talked about how important it is that we carry one another's burdens.  I am so so so so so so thankful to have a family that was willing to help me carry mine.  And a church family as well.  Two of them actually.  And so many people...without the prayers and support (and visits and smiles and hugs!) of each person (seriously, each person) that has done so along the way, I really don't think I would be where I am. 

I will (hopefully...Lord-willingly) be walking again in four weeks.  Really.

Know.

“Search me, God, and know my heart;
Test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting."

-Pslam 139:23&24

I am so thankful that God truly does know his way around our hearts.  Every nook and cranny, every thought before we even think it, every feeling before it is felt.

He is eager to transform us too, and he is so generous with his grace.  Even though it is so costly.  There are no accidents with him either; I continue to be blown away by the fact that he is not surprised by anything.  Despite the fact that we live in an icky and really frustrating place, everything has meaning & purpose when we are in tune with Jesus.  When I allow him to shift my thinking (into what some people call "eternal thinking"), my life changes.  Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.  It is a long, sometimes grueling, but ever-rewarding journey.

And I am thankful that the perspective he continues to give me is eternal.

When I used to read this verse, I always assumed that the "way everlasting" part was about heaven.  Heaven is something to look forward to, (I can't wait to boogy-down when I get there!  I'm going to swim underwater for days, and run around for weeks without stopping, and then I'm going to lay in the softest sweetest smelling grass ever and just lay there with Jesus.  That's my plan.  I seriously have butterflies in my stomach right now thinking about it.)  This heaven can only be found in Jesus, but I've come to realize that the "way everlasting" in this verse also speaks to my way of thinking.

When we ask God to lead us, to lead our lives & our every decision, he does. 

I've been amazed by how God has taken me into his arms and transformed my thinking in the last months.  His grace is ever-sufficient, and I think I maybe lost sight of it in the last few days.  (Confession time again...)  I have to laugh at myself all the time because my understanding of grace is so finite.  I just simply don't get it.  And yet is stares me in the face everyday.  Even on dizzy days.

To be known by God, and to know him is seriously the greatest joy in my life.  Our relationship is like a marriage; his grace is ever-present, but increases with my knowledge, which increases with my love, which increases with time, which increases with his grace.  Do I sound crazy yet? 

I vaguely remember C.S. Lewis talking about heaven in his last book, "The Last Battle".  When the main characters of his book get to Aslan's home (heaven), they start running into it.  And all the time Aslan is saying "Further in, higher up!" as if it were a circle that got bigger as you got closer to the center.  Does this make sense?  For example, if you were to be able to slowly walk into an orange, instead of the distance from you to the center getting smaller, it would actually get bigger.  It doesn't make sense in this world, but this is how I feel about God's grace sometimes.

It's like the saying, "The more I learn, I realize how little I know."

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
   a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you,
   for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.  Sing the praises of the LORD, enthroned in Zion;
   proclaim among the nations what he has done."
 -Psalm 9:9-11

And I'm so thankful that when we know something, and don't know what to do about it or how to act on it, we aren't stuck.  Just be still.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
-Psalm 46:10

Help.

I just read it. 

I did.  I read the book that's been on my shelf for over four months.  Choosing To See, by Mary Beth Chapman.  If you haven't heard the story yet, you should watch some of it at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgbnjE20vs0

I don't really listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's music very often, but he is a very famous Christian song-writer.  A little over two years ago, his daughter, Maria, was killed in a car accident in her driveway.  Her brother (who was not on his cell phone, and not driving fast), accidentally hit her while he was pulling into their house.

I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose a daughter/sister, let alone in seconds.  I remember my friend Bowgirl calling me, and telling me about the accident & what had happened to the Chapman family.  I couldn't believe it.  I remember praying so fervently for them, and wondering why.  Why would God would allow it to happen?  So when I was given this book a few months ago, I set it on the shelf to save "for later", mostly because I knew I couldn't handle the emotions of reading it & digesting it while I was trying to wrestle with so many of my own.  I decided that today would be the day. 

I'm glad it was, but now I'm pretty speechless.  I mean, there's a lot running through my brain.  I can in no way compare what happened to me to the loss of the Chapman family, but there are elements in Mary Beth's book that I find myself drawn to. 

I have striven for honesty in this blog, but I was blown away by hers.  I've kind of shared a little bit about how I've been feeling this transition into a new phase of my journey, almost as if this "leg" is coming to an end.  What I've been trying to tell myself over the last few months, (that the next months are going to be even more challenging for me), is actually starting to sink in.  And it hurts.  I'm so close to walking again I can taste it, but, yet, I look up and the mountain I have to climb seems so big.

My wonderful God has given me so much strength throughout this journey.  It has hurt, and it has been painful, and it has been wonderful all at the same time.  He has taught me humility.  What it means to be a friend, and have friendship.  What it means to serve sacrificially.  What it means to suffer well.  I could go on and on and on and on and on.  He deserves so much glory!  SO much!  It belongs to him alone, for I could never have made it this far without him.

"[Praise to the LORD] LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago!!"  -Isaiah 25:1 (emphasis added)

In the midst of it all, I find that I'm encountering emotions and feelings that I haven't felt before, and reading this book was like opening a floodgate in my heart.  Please pray for me; I so covet your prayers.  Pray that the voice of the accuser would be stifled, and that the voice of Truth would continue to speak loud and clear.  I desperately need his help.

"We wait in hope for the LORD;
   he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
   for we trust in his holy name."

-Psalm 33:20 &21

Music.

I love music.  So so much.

I realized today, while I was watching my baby sisters play in their band concert, how much I miss singing in a choir.  There is so much to be said for singing in a unified group of people, and it has been such a long time since I have been able to do it.  I mean, I hardly sing at all these days.  I feel like I sing in my heart and in my head, but my vocal chords never jump in on the action.  They are on sabbatical with my legs, apparently.

Anyway, I felt so honored to be able to watch the twins play tonight, and I continue (even STILL!) to count the ways in which I have been blessed by my time at home. 

I know I've shared this verse before, but it's one of my favorites:

Psalm 57:7&8

"My heart, O God, is steadfast,
   my heart is steadfast;
   I will sing and make music.
Awake, my soul!
   Awake, harp and lyre!
   I will awaken the dawn."