Habits.

You know, old habits die hard.  Really, they do.

Today was my first time standing up in a shower.  Whoot whoot!  I have tried it several times before, but (at night) my left foot is killing me.  It gets really sore, and I haven't been icing it like I should be.  So, popping a squat has become a routine.  I am week out from my first doctor's appointment in two months, and I can't wait to hear what he has to say. I'm moving back to Milwaukee!  You can't tell him this, but I wore a shoe on my left foot all day today!  (I'm not supposed to until the next appointment... ; )

It's so funny because I can't believe that there are still "firsts" coming my way.  It's been nearly six months!  Can you believe it?! 

I keep thinking about how my old habits in Milwaukee are going to be challenged in the coming months.  In many ways I think that the upcoming weeks are going to be one of the hardest parts of this journey.  I have already caught myself trying to do everything that I was doing before I fell, but I soon realized that I can't.  I mean, I really can't leave the house after 7p because when I come home my foot will be throbbing.  I can't walk as fast as I used to, and I'm going to have to slow way down.  Which is hard because I'm the kind of person that like to cram something into every available second of the day...almost to a fault. 

My habits will slowly change, and I am quite excited about this.  I've mentioned the book "Praise Habit" by David Crowder before, as I've been reading it off and on in the last few months.  I love the beginning of the book where it says:

"What if we were so moved by who God is, what He's done, what He will do, that praise, adoration, worship, whatever, continuously careened in our heads and pounded in our souls? What if praise were on the tip of our tongues like we were a loaded weapon in the hands of a trigger-happy meth addict and every moment might just set us off? This is what we will do for eternity.

What makes us think our time on earth should be any different? What keeps it from being so?"

I want my habits to change for the better.  And I think that the praise, adoration, and worship that he's talking about looks differently for everyone.  And sometimes the same too.  But what I am looking forward to is seeing the ways that God uses my new-found pace.  I think it is going to be a very good thing.

Done.

I got to thinking today about how crazy-awesome it is to be able to worship freely, and in spaces where we don't feel like life is in danger.  Today was a very special day within the church, for so many different reasons...some I can't even comprehend.  I think that it is just recently that I have started to realize what it actually means and looks like for Jesus to be alive today.  I never really got it, and in many ways I still don't.  It will take a lifetime for me to understand Jesus.  And then some.

Today, during the celebration at my church, this little song popped into my head.  It had nothing to do with what we were talking about or what we were singing, but the word "we" popped into my head.  It is a song by the David Crowder Band (a great one if you've never heard them. YouTube "Everything Glorious" or "How He Loves" if you get a chance.)

Anyway, I want to share the lyrics with you.

Come and listen, come to the water's edge, all you who know and fear the Lord.
Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.

Let me tell you what He has done for me.
Let me tell you what He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
come and listen to what He's done.

Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.

He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.

What I love about this song is that he uses the words "me", "you", and "us" - I just think that is so important.  The other word that I couldn't stop thinking about this morning was "done".  So much has been done for me and for you.  And, I love the word "done" because there is a sense of completeness that one feels after saying it.  It's done.  Not check-off-the-list style done, but a "I can't pay you back the money I owe you right now" "It's done.  I've got you covered, don't worry about it." kind of done.  Jesus died to cover the cost of my life's greatest mistakes and follies, and it's done.  I have surrendered all of those things over to him, and I don't have to go back to them ever again.  It's done.

What a great day it was; a time to recount what has been done for me. 
For us.

Life.

Is short.

Is a gift.

Is to be lived!

You know what I realized tonight?  I never really expected to live past 30.  Seriously.  I think that all my life I have somehow managed to suppress my thoughts about life past 30.  Part of the reason is denial.  And, probably a lack of desire to assume responsibility.  And the junk that comes with old age.  Let's just be honest here.  I've got this denial thing down.

But, the other part of it is that Jesus only lived to that age.  Half of my life has been spent knowing him, and wanting to know him more, wanting to be exactly like him.  The other half was spent thirsty for him, lost and filled with guilt.  I guess I have just always thought, "Well, if it worked for Jesus, it works for me."

Now all of this may be an over-share.  I understand if you think it's sort of a morbid way to look at life, but I really didn't realize it until tonight; this has been my way of (really hidden) thinking. 

But Jesus did not come to offer me death at the age of 30.

"While he was saying this, a synagogue leader came and knelt before him and said, “My daughter has just died. But come and put your hand on her, and she will live.” Jesus got up and went with him, and so did his disciples.

Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak.  She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.”
Jesus turned and saw her. “Take heart, daughter,” he said, “your faith has healed you.” And the woman was healed at that moment.

When Jesus entered the synagogue leader’s house and saw the noisy crowd and people playing pipes, he said, “Go away. The girl is not dead but asleep.” But they laughed at him. After the crowd had been put outside, he went in and took the girl by the hand, and she got up.  News of this spread through all that region."   - Matthew 9:18-26

Okay.  So, there's a few things that I found in this passage tonight.  One, I am amazed at the faith of the synagogue leader.  He often gets forgotten in my mind.  I mean, I'm pretty sure that most Jewish synagogue leaders wouldn't be caught dead asking Jesus for help.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that most of them wanted him dead.  I'm pretty sure they got what they wanted, actually.  For a few days anyway... Jesus doesn't bat an eyelash at this plea, even though I'm sure his stomach was rumbling: no one had stopped questioning him at Matthew's dinner.  (P.S. - Why do you think his disciples went with him?)

Two, this line:  "Jesus turned and saw her."  Ahhhhh!  It's my favorite!  Jesus turned and saw her.  And you know, I'm pretty sure that he didn't just "see" her see her; he saw her.  Like penetrating through every wall that she had ever built, seeing the needs she didn't even know she had, seeing her entire past & entire future flash before his eyes.  And loving her anyway.

Then.  My other favorite part.  "Take heart, daughter...your faith has healed you."

Oh man.  I love the language.  Take heart.  Daughter.  Faith & healing.  They are not just happy-sounding words that I am throwing around on the internet.  They mean something to me.  They are the truth!  I just want to shout at the top of my lungs, on the cliff of my heart (like Ricola cough drop style), "TAKE HEART, CATIE!"  Sometimes my heart feels so weak.  I can totally relate to that woman, and being subject to pain for 12 years.  (As of this summer, I will officially have spent 12 years with Jesus, and 12 without.)

Today, I helped my beautiful grandmother set her dining room table for our Easter dinner.  For the first time, we didn't have to reconfigure the furniture so my wheelchair would fit.  I didn't make like circles in the carpet with my crutches.  I didn't have to ask for things to be delivered to me every 30.4 seconds.  I drove there even.  I have seen healing.  And do you know what?  It is only by my faith in Jesus Christ that I have been healed.  (And I have been healed in more ways than one.)

When I say that, I am afraid that you will laugh.  Or roll your eyes, or whatever.  But I mean it.  What Jesus teaches me at the end of that passage was that I need not be afraid of others reactions.  It is the truth.  He sets the perfect example by not letting the doubt and fear (laughter) of the people around him stop him from walking up to that little girl, taking her by the hand, and giving her new life.

I am forever thankful that He is still alive to do the same for me.

Death.

"And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death - even death on a cross." - Phillipians 2:8

Today was a Good Friday.  I found it quite fitting that today was the day that we remember the death of Jesus, yet we celebrate the life of the earth.  I am so thankful that Jesus' death meant new life and redemption for all who choose it.  Good Friday and Earth Day; not really equally weighted in my mind, but deeply symbolic. 

Other.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of servant, being made in human likeness."

Phillipians 2:3-7

This is my prayer.  It is a hard prayer to pray, for it brings with it humility and lowliness.  But it is good.  I am sad that selflessness does not come more easily to me.  I am constantly having to draw back to Jesus' example; I am so thankful that He allows us to imitate him.  He teaches us what it means to be more like him.  To think outside of our own agendas.  To look to others needs first, and to serve in love.  My hope is that I become less and less as he becomes more and more a part of my life.  To him be all the glory! 

Emotion.

I was watching Gone With the Wind tonight until my internet connection slowed, and I took it as a sign that I need to go to bed.  I had a sufficient amount of time in watching it though to rekindle my love for Clark Gable.  Oh, what a man.  He's kind of a jerk, but deep down he has a good heart.

Anyway, as I was watching, I saw a little plaque in the movie that said, "Do not squander away time.  That is the stuff life is made of."

I spent the last few days in the Milwaukee (and Madison) area, and returned to the flatland yesterday.  There is so much running through my brain: excitement, anxiety, curiosity...it is a complete salad bowl of emotions.  I am ever-thankful for my friends and family that are willing to walk alongside of me as I make this next transition in my journey, and I can't stop thinking about the idea of time. I am so so so thankful for the last (almost) six months, and I am thankful for the ways that God allowed me to use my time. 

It is quite tempting for me to shove all of the different emotions I'm feeling aside, and just keep trucking along, but I don't think that this is what God wants from us.  I beat myself up sometimes because I am a deeply emotional person, but I forget that this is how God hard-wired me.  Not everyone is as emotional as me, but everyone feels.  I mean, Jesus cried.

We read that verse as a family tonight (and if you haven't...John 11:35 is where Jesus cries because one of his friends has died.  He was moved by the way the people around him responded.)  Jesus was an emotional dude.  Sometimes I think we picture him as a happy-go-lucky man that floats around from town to town in his clean Birkenstocks and clean white robe.  He got upset!  I'm sure he missed his family.  He wasn't excited to be crucified and humiliated.  And he allowed himself to feel all of those emotions.  I'm so thankful for this because it helps me to feel my own.

This week is a holy (set apart) week.  Not just because people call it "Holy week", but because it is set apart.  So many things happened in Jesus' life, so many emotions were running through his mind this week.  I pray that you and I make time to sit and feel them as he did.

Forgive.

 Matthew.  Oh Matthew. 
Where would we be without you?
I just rhymed. 

"The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin were looking for false evidence against Jesus so that they could put him to death.  But they did not find any, though many false witnesses came forward.  Finally two came forward and declared, “This fellow said, ‘I am able to destroy the temple of God and rebuild it in three days.’”

Then the high priest stood up and said to Jesus, “Are you not going to answer? What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you?”

But Jesus remained silent. 

The high priest said to him, “I charge you under oath by the living God: Tell us if you are the Messiah, the Son of God.”

“You have said so,” Jesus replied. “But I say to all of you: From now on you will see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of the Mighty One and coming on the clouds of heaven.”

Then the high priest tore his clothes and said, “He has spoken blasphemy! Why do we need any more witnesses? Look, now you have heard the blasphemy. What do you think?”  “He is worthy of death,” they answered.  Then they spit in his face and struck him with their fists. Others slapped him and said, “Prophesy to us, Messiah. Who hit you?"  - Matthew 26:59-68

Tonight (at my very last Small Group Bible Study in Illinois) we talked about the topic of forgiveness.  I couldn't get this passage out of my mind all night.  First of all, may I just say that the Pharisees are such drama queens.  Man.  Tearing robes and freakin' out.  Get over yourselves. 

That's what I would say.

Second of all, the smallest sentence drives me absolutely crazy.  "But Jesus remained silent."  When I first read that verse (many years ago) I wanted to go to Jesus and say, "Why?", "Why didn't you show them?"  My questions later turned to frustration..."JESUS!!!  Why didn't you do something?!"  And then I learned that Jesus doesn't work the way I do.  He doesn't "show them" at any point in the Bible.  He demonstrates his compassion & his power, but he does so in humility and without apology. 

Third, he allowed people to spit.  On him.  In his face.  As they proceeded to strike him.  Multiple times.  Then he allows them to taunt him endlessly.  I mean, I'm pretty sure that people were saying a whole lot more than, "Who hit you?"  I don't know any Hebrew or Aramaic cuss words, but they're out there, peeps.  Swearing is universal.  There had to be yelling and laughing and cackling and a whole lot of other "jokes" too.  Glances between the Pharisees as if to say, "We've got him now."  Abandonment by everyone who claimed loyalty.  Extreme chaos, and complete loss of control.

This is what we talked about tonight: what it means to forgive others.  I am so thankful that Jesus so magnificently models forgiveness for me in this passage.  Because, you know what?  I would have botched it all up.  I would have been calling down all of the angels, and recreated a scene from some gorey movie that I don't even want to think about.

Power does not look the same in the Kingdom of God as it does on the earth.  It means something different by Jesus' definition.  He had forgiven the people around him that were doing all of those things to him before they had even asked.  Man.  It feels so counter-intuitive.  But Jesus led the way, and he enables us to do the same.

I am still working on what it means to forgive myself, let alone others, but I am thankful that Jesus shows me how.