Dreams.

I am so tired right now.  I'm about to fall asleep on top of my computer.  I can't wait to dream tonight, and to enjoy the gift of sleep.  Throughout my journey, I've been so thankful that I have been able to sleep through the night.  I love sleeping.  Sleeping is so good, and it's definitely something that I do not take for granted.

The dreams that I thought about today were not the kind that you have at night.  I watched "The Ultimate Gift" today, which really should be called, "The Ultimate Cheesy Christian Movie of the Year".  But, you know, the cheesy movie won out in the end.  I cried like a baby.  There's this part where a little girl with cancer turns and asks the main character of the movie what his dreams are.  And do you know what he says?  "I don't know.  I don't have any."  That's the part that made me cry.  I'm so insensitive and hard...I didn't cry at the part where the little girl dies, or the two main characters fall in love and make out at the end.  No, no.  I cry at the parts that I connect to.  That's how I feel right now.  I feel like I have goals in life - namely, to heal from where I'm at, and to be able to walk.  To serve God well, in obedience & love.  To follow the example of Christ, crossing social barriers and meeting the needs of those around me.  To find my gifts and strengths & use them with joy and selflessness.

You know.  Goals.  But I have no dreams. 

I used to be such a dreamer, but I became discouraged, and I gave up.  I read Mark 9 today, and there is this verse that talks about belief.  Jesus is coming down from a sort of "Holy Hike" with a few of his disciples (see Mark 9:1-10), and he sees some other disciples surrounded by a crowd.  One man in the crowd turns to Jesus, and begs him to heal his son.  He says [about his son],
"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
    “‘If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

I really resonate with these verses.  I find myself sometimes coming to God with partial belief.  Why is that I believe he can do some things and not others?  Why is it easier to surrender certain areas of my life than others?  I come to God with so many "If you can"s.  Truly believing that "everything is possible for one who believes" scares me.  And so, I'm afraid to dream.  I love it that the father in the story is immediately vulnerable with Jesus - "help me overcome my unbelief!"

Oh Father.  How many times I've been scared to believe.  That you are real, that you see me and you get me, and you know me, that you love me anyway, that you have plans for my life, that you want me to do well, and by your standards, that you are in control.  Help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me to dream again.  I no longer want the "right answer" or to "get there" in life.  In fact, I'm okay with letting go of the dreams that I used to dream.  The things I've held on to that maybe you didn't want me to have.  I want to know what makes you heart beat quicken, Father, and I want to go there.  Not by the dreams of this world, this country, or this generation, but by what you say and think and dream.  I want those dreams.  Thank you for the time you've given me to heal and dream again.