Raw.

I'm watching Man vs. Wild right now.  While listening to Sunday Morning by Maroon 5.  Not even gonna lie.  Love this song a ton.  If you haven't seen Man vs. Wild, you need to go to YouTube right now and type in "Man vs. Wild: Bear meets camel."  Yes, right now.  Go.  You're missin' out if you don't.  Bear goes inside of a camel to get out of a potential sand storm.  And he does other gross things that you just gotta check out.  Talk about poop to the extreme.  And you thought I was bad...

Bear Grylls is one of my life heroes.  I've watched his show from the very beginning, and have been fascinated by the amazing survival skillz this dude has.  I mean, the guy climbed Mt. Everest when he was my age.  He nearly lost his life after falling into a crevasse, but was saved by a teammate & his rope.  Then, he broke his spine in three places after a parachuting accident.  The reason I admire him is that he continues to do those things despite the pain that they have caused him.  I have learned so much from watching him.  There are two things that drive me nuts about his show though: 1) He rock climbs a lot.  Let me rephrase that, he free climbs a lot.  Dozens and dozens of feet with no rope.  My hands seriously sweat every time I watch him do it.  No joke.  They're a little sweaty as I type.  2) He is always eating raw bugs and lizards, etc.  It's revolting!  I'm always thinking, "Why can't you just whip out one of your fires that you are so good at building, and flash fry that nasty thing!?"

For the first time in five years, I had a baked potato with cheese on it.  "Why five years?", you may wonder.  Well.  I'm allergic to dairy, and have known for about five years.  The only reason I can eat this cheese is because it is raw; it has never been pasteurized.  This means that the enzymes in the milk are still alive, which enables my body to digest them.  Weird, huh?  Some people think I'm crazy because I believe Jordan Rubin, and the nutso stuff he says about food.  You will most likely never see me eat a raw bug as big as my thumb.  John the Baptist can have as many locusts as he wants.  I won't judge him, but for me there is no way.  Unless we were both stuck in the middle of the Sahara Desert.  Then all bets are off.  I wonder if I'm allergic to bugs?  Hmmm...

Raw bugs, raw cheese...the word "raw" is a cool word.  When I say it, I think of raw meat.  Which is gross.  I strongly dislike raw meat, much like the rest of the people in my culture.  We are disconnected from having to kill our meat before we eat, and so, I don't like it.  Enough about food.  (Maybe I'm hungry?)  At church this morning, I kept thinking about how raw my nerves were for some reason.  It was an off morning in general, and I had a hard time focusing.  Yesterday my legs were hurting a lot, and I thought it was because I had forgotten to take my medicine, but they were still hurting today.  It's funny how pain can wear your patience thin.  This was one way that God worked through me in spite of myself in the last month and a half; he has taught me patience in the midst of pain.

I couldn't get past it this morning though, and I don't know why.  I just felt raw.  The kind of soreness that you feel when you have a burn or a chaff somewhere.  Raw nerves led to impatience & words not meant, and the day was launched.  We were late to church, (and you cannot possibly sneak in in a stinkin' wheelchair...), I was short with my sister, my wheelchair was mispositioned...you name it.  The morning was redeemed, however, during worship at the end of the service.  "How Great is Our God" is one of my favorite songs.  Then, I was able to wheel into Barnes and Noble to hear my little sister play her violin as part of a fundraiser.  It was up and down from there - beautiful music, self-conscious woman in a wheelchair; accommodating parents, self-conscious woman in a wheelchair; tons of books to read, but bumping into them, creating an even more self-conscious woman in a wheelchair. 

The day was weird, but sweet.  It felt at times like I was being pushed on from all sides, and I haven't felt that in a while.  I'm going soft apparently.  James 1:2-4 offers some encouragement (and can I just say that the things I was "tested" with are so piffy - they are hardly worth mentioning.  Who cares if my pillows are on right?  Who cares if I am wheeling around in a wheelchair bumping into things?  Who cares if my legs are a little bit sore?  Temporary, non-life threatening things.  Not to compare challenges, but we need to remember to pray for people who are truly undergoing tests, challenges, and pressure in such a way that it puts their lives, their comfort, and their will on the line.)

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.  You know that under pressure your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.  So don't try to get out of anything prematurely.  Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

It is not just a gift, but a sheer gift when challenges come our way.  (I can totally relate!  Broken legs is SUCH a gift!)  And, maturity and wisdom are things I so long for right now, but I always try to duck out when the pressure comes my way.  I'm trying so hard to allow where I'm at to shape me, and change the way I think for the better.  In many ways it has.  But when I look ahead, I still have so much farther to go.  It's like looking out at the desert on my own "Woman vs. Wild", and just seeing more desert. 

Thankfully, my water bottle is constantly being filled by God's Word & the wonderful people around me.  Please pray for me, that I continue to find my focus fixed on Jesus, his word, and his purpose for my life; not on myself.  It's hard when your nerves start to become raw, but Jesus is like a sweet, thick balm.  I'm so thankful that he was born.  I'm so thankful to celebrate his birth in the coming weeks, and I'm so thankful to be able to have a real, live, relationship with him.  May he be like a balm in your life this week as well, whether things are wonderful or painful, freeing or challenging, joyous or saddening.  He is there through it all; how great is our God?