Beginner.

"We do not want to be beginners.  But let us be convinced of the fact that we will never be anything else but beginners, all our life!"  - Thomas Merton.

Dear Tom,

I wish you were wrong.

Humbly, and with love,
Catie

Today.  Was another day to glorify my Jesus.  It was, truly, a wonderful day.  Puzzle-building with Mama Berndt, celebrating my mom's birthday, hanging out with some cools peeps at my church - it was such a marvelous day.  Unfortunately, in the very last minutes of the day, my day took a nosedive.

I finally worked up the nerve to try using my crutches again.  I am afraid of them, I'm not gonna lie.  They are hard for me to use.  So when I accidentally took a step backwards, and stepped onto my left foot; my excitement turned to fear.  I had a mini-panic attack & freaked everyone around me out.  You see, this is the same left foot that I'm only supposed to be putting 10% of my weight on (as of yesterday.)  I was scared.

Why is it that I don't like being a beginner?  What is it with me and mistakes?!  Why is grace such a hard concept for me to grasp?  Ugh.  My head hurts.  I dislike the headaches that tears give me, but I feel such a relief.  It's so so so silly - I can't believe I had another meltdown today because I can't figure out how to use my stupid crutches.

Grace.  It's what I have wrestled with from the very beginning.  And I am also a beginner at understanding grace.  I will always be a beginner.  Especially when it comes to understanding God.  But, I am thankful.

Because am I God?  No.  Will my step backwards onto my foot really make that big of a difference?  Probably not.  Am I frustrated that I can't use crutches?  Yes.  Do I need to keep trying?  Yes.  Will I cry again?  Yes.  But God has brought me this far, and I'm pretty sure that he will help me with my next steps.  Literally & figuratively.  Even if they have to be really really really small.  And even when I look like Bambi.