Okay.

Soooo.  Long time no see.  Er...talk.  Type.

I have been on hiatus for what feels like forever, but in all actuality, it's only been a month since I have rambled in this space.  *insert sigh*  First of all, can I just say that God is so good to me?  God is so good to me.  He is, He is, He is.  And if you don't believe me, ask the dishes.  : )  I'm going to get you up to speed in a short run-down of the life of Catie Wollard, (remember: Meyers-Briggs "ENFeelingP"), in the last month:

Week One back in Milwaukee:  Separation anxiety from parents, entered honeymoon phase of living in Milwaukee again.  With the best housemates ever.  It's called bittersweet.  Bitter and sweet.  HJ is still my bestie.  Thank goodness.  Started taking a Trinity class at Elmbrook Church called, "The Art and Practice of Spiritual Leadership"... I ended up there by "accident", and I "LOVE" it because God has a "sense of humor".  And he is very gentle with my oh-so-sensitive heart.  No physical therapy due to a hiccup with what I like to call "The Cool Company."  Funnest (and yes, that's a word) bridal shower ever with one of the most beautiful brides-to-be.  I have the honor of being a maid this summer for her.  ; )  The best part is, I get to walk down the aisle.

Week Two:  Started subbing for the school district that I live in.  Super hard, and super great.  It felt so good to work again.  And see/teach/laugh with kids.  And make money.  In that order.  Which had kinda been a long time coming.  This was the week I finally started telling people I had moved back to MKE.  You know, cause I'm a jerk like that.

Week Three:  Subbed every day of the week, and still loved it.  Saw the students I did my student teaching with, and saw how they had all grown at least 6 inches.  Seriously.  By the way, I turn 25 in eight months. 

Week Four:  Started nannying for the COOLEST family in the entire world!  (After my own, of course.)  I get to swim, bike ride, and explore with three stinkin' awesome kiddos in Wisconsin.  Still plugging along in my class, and still having dinner with new people all the time.  I haven't yet seen everyone I want to see since being back, but I know it will come with time.

So, yeah.  It's been a month.  I have transferred a lot of my thoughts over to my personal journal, and feel that the Lord is leading me through a time of solitude.  It's a different kind of solitude than the solitude I had while I was laying in bed because, while the excitement of being back in the Dairyland hasn't yet worn off, I have definitely found that I have entered a period of mourning.

I am most definitely in mourning.  And that is, I think, to be expected.  I went through phases of mourning over the last (get this: EIGHT) months, right?  I mean, pooping in your bed is legit.  As is falling out of your wheelchair.  Twice.  When it hurts to touch your toes.  But I always had to draw my focus back to healing well.  And God was totally faithful in this, no?  SO faithful to me.  He gave me so much insight into the work that he was to do, and I am STILL blown away by the Holy Spirit's ministry to my heart in those hours.  Sometimes in the minutes.  Now, I've sort of hit this plateau.  God is still faithful, and the Holy Spirit is still at work, but I'm still limping.  Literally and metaphorically.  I can walk (Yippee!), but I'm still limping.   I still feel much pain, but I don't need morphine.  I'm not lonely, but I need to be alone.

The word I use almost every week in my class is "tension".  I live in a big fat space of tension.  My professor, Lee Hayward, calls it, "living between the already and the not yet."  He uses this phrase to illustrate the tension that Christ-followers often feel; Jesus has already covered the cost of our sin, redeemed us, and made us whole, but we are not yet with him.  Super-insightful, eh?  What an awesome privilege it has been to be in this class.  (This is also another reason I haven't been blogging...I have this fear that I might accidentally plagiarize while processing my thoughts...)

I have used this phrase as a parallel in my own life, in so many other areas.  Already walking, not yet unnoticeably so.  Already released from watchful eyes (of SO many people), not yet ready to be alone.  Already going, not yet arrived.  Already being equipped, not yet brave enough to step out into a huge, huge space.

This is so abstract, and so hard to explain, but this is a huge way that you can pray for me right now.  This is a new season.  A bittersweet season.  Amazing and mind-blowing and a privilege on so many levels that I can't even begin to describe it to you.  And, my work is cut out for me.  Permanence has started to reach my brain, and my Lord is leading me, even still, through the great, wide, awesome, frustrating, hot, humid wilderness.

The beautiful thing about this is that God is moving in my life, and he continues to show me that I don't need all of the answers.  I need him.

Psalm 131:

"My heart is not proud, LORD,
   my eyes are not haughty; 

I do not concern myself with great matters
   or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
   I am like a weaned child with its mother;
   like a weaned child I am content.

 Israel, put your hope in the LORD
   both now and forevermore."