Trust.

There was a tornado that touched down this afternoon near Rockford, Illinois.  My family lives an hour away from Rockford.  So, I'm sitting in "my room" (which was formerly the dining room, in case you didn't know) and I hear the "Warning Noise" on the T.V. while I'm watching National Geographic's Great Migrations on my computer (which, can I just say, is fantastic.  It's kind of graphic, but it totally redeemed Netflix for me.  I missed it while I was in the hospital, and I was so sad.)  You know the warning noise I'm talking about, the annoying bleeping that pops up in the middle of nowhere, at the most inconvenient time while you're watching T.V.  I heard hard rain outside, and asked my sister, Nat, to go check it out.  She was like, "Oh, there's just a tornado warning out for some counties", and then she listed them off.  They sounded close to where I am currently laying.

So, I kind of started freaking out.  My parents had just slipped out to go pick up the other twin, and do a little grocery shopping for Thursday.  (Isn't it funny how these things happen right after the strong, able-bodied people leave?  Nat can barely lift my left leg.  I say this in love & admiration for the girl.)  I started spazzing out, and was like, "What are we going to do if the tornado touches down here?"  I'd never given it a thought.  I have thought about fires, but there is a gigantic window right next to me that I could break open with the piece-o-junk-laptop I'm typing on & wiggle out, or wait for the firepeople to come save me.  They would see me waving crazily from the highway.

A tornado is different - I'd have to make it to the basement.  Natalie turned and looked at me very sternly, and said, "Catie, if a tornado comes, I'll drag you down to the basement by your legs."  She was dead serious.  I'm not kidding when I say I have the best family in the world.  The fact that she acknowledged my presence last night at her concert meant a lot, and here she is figuring out a rescue plan.  Can you just picture me doing the crab walk down a flight of stairs while a tornado is whirring around?  It actually did touch down in Caledonia & McHenry (which is even closer to my house.)  It caused a lot damage, so I have a lot to be thankful for & many people to pray for.  Luckily, no one was killed, but there were quite a few people who were injured.

It's really hard to trust the people around you, isn't it?  One of the hardest things for me to do is to physically let go of the door jam posts on the way to the ramp in the garage.  Once I let go, my direction is no longer in my hands.  Gravity, my wheelchair & my parents are officially in charge.  The same goes for getting in the car.  I have no control while I'm being hoisted into the air.  Surrender is one of lifes greatest challenges, I think.  It goes right along with humility and hope.  Trusting others is something that I have often talked about in the last couple of weeks, but it's something that is really, really important.  I trust that when people say they are praying for me, that they actually are.  I trust that my parents don't have growing feelings of frustration that they aren't telling me about, or that they aren't going to give me the boot before I'm ready to leave the nesty nest.  Again.  I trust that my doctors know what they are doing, and that when they say, "things look good", that they are actually telling the truth.  Trust permeates how we live our lives, and how we think about everything.  And, we all have issues because those thoughts about all of those people sneak into my head, and I start to say things like, "I wonder if they really..." or "Do they really mean that?"

My other little sister texted me this morning, early in morning.  She said, "Read Romans 15:13" and some other mushy stuff.  (Can I just also say that God is a God of redemption because all of these things I'm saying about each of my family members are not things that I always would have been able to say.  I have not always been close with my family, and I went through a very dark & selfish time.  But God is so faithful, he has & is redeeming my family in ways I never would have imagined.  Just as a side note.  Thought I'd put that out there because I'm braggin' on the fam. so much.  I take no credit for their awesomeness.  I do not deserve any of it, but they give me grace anyway.)  Here's the verse:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

God is a God of hope.  And this God fills people with all joy and peace, not just some, but all.  Only as we trust in him.  And this is one of the biggest things I have been learning over the last year.  From student teaching all the way to this very moment: trust.  Here's the definition of the word from dictionary.com: "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence."  Well, God has proven his integrity, strength, ability and surety to me over and over and over and over and over again.  I'm not sure how well I rely on it consistently.  And, the other things is that the last word is something of stumper for me.  I'm going to tell you another secret, something you can't tell anyone else, okay?  I. Lack. Confidence.  I may have a lot of people fooled, and I can't believe I'm admitting it, but I don't feel confident in a lot of the things I do.  Hence the trusty issues. 

Then we get to the second part of the verse.  (Sorry this is getting so long...I'll hurry it up...)  Know what I think of?  Waterfalls in Hawaii that I saw on "Atlas" yesterday on Netflix.  (I love the Discovery Channel.)  Huge, roaring waterfalls that flow in to crystalline bodies of pure, unadulterated water.  The kind you can drink without a filter and not get weird parasites that eat your liver and your brain.  That's what I think of when I think of overflowing with hope.  And, not by my power, but by the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit is something that freaks some people out...I know I used to be weirded out by it myself.  I have been learning about what it is more and more over the last few years, and it has made me fall more in love with God.  The Holy Spirit is what was at work when I hit the ground at 32 feet per second, but still had this amazing sense of peace that penetrated my bones.  It was what was at work when the person I was climbing with that night & someone else we had just met bent down to pray with me in the middle of gym, and stuck by my side through the night & into my journey.  It was what was at work when the orthopedic surgeon was magically able to operate the very next morning, and feel hopeful after he was done performing the surgeries that were supposed to keep me in the hospital for two weeks & not five days.  It's what enabled me to have joy and peace in the midst of an immense amount of pain and suffering.  It's what spurred the thought of a sister to send such a verse to someone like me who needed to hear it.  It's what a lot of people would call "coincidence".

The Holy Spirit is a role model for perseverance, working hard, and giving grace.  It's not some mysterious flame over a candle floating in the sky.  It's not something that can be tamed by people - in fact, just the opposite.  It's undefinable, in a way.  Always on the move.  The Bible talks about how it intercedes for us "with groans that words cannot express."  But it's something that Jesus gave to his followers as a gift, a deposit as he was leaving for heaven.  And, it's something that we are called to depend on as we learn more and more about it.  I look at it as God's way of not abandoning us, leaving us like orphans in a dark & sometimes dismal world.  (Do you know what dismal means?  Dismal: causing gloom or dejection; gloomy; dreary; cheerless; melancholy)  Passive.

So, through the power of the Holy Spirit, (not that weird of a thing, and yet, kind of at the same time) I pray this for you, just as Paul did to the church in Rome (a very dark and dismal place): May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Read it again.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Trust.  In Him.

Compassion.

Ellis Hobbs.  He's the defensive back for the Philidelphia Eagles.  The Eagles are a pretty obscure team in my mind, but I was watching it tonight because I've taken a growing interest in football ever since I watched the Bears beat the Packers in September.  Tonight, Mr. Hobbs sustained a neck injury, and I watched it all go down.  As I was watching him I felt so bad because I could really relate!

When I fell, (nearly three weeks ago), a lot of people were watching me.  I spent about 15 or 20 seconds trying to figure out how to get down, when the sweat on my palms caused me to lose grip.  By that time, a small crowd had gathered around where I was climbing & I was drawing the attention of quite a few people around me.  So, when I fell, some people screamed & such - it's scarily vivid in my brain.  Could you imagine having an entire stadium, and a whole state watching you while you get hurt?!  Ugh.  No thank you.  I also felt bad for him because he wanted to get back up, but those paramedics, man, they mean business.  No can do.  It's hard for me to sit still, and I was wiggling my head around; I kept getting yelled at by the guys who were taking me in.  I knew at the time that I hadn't hurt anything above my kneecaps, but they had to make sure.  I actually got strapped to one of those board-things.  And ride in an ambulance.  A life dream.  I'm so thankful not to have any neck or back injuries.  None, whatsoever - it's amazing, isn't it.

Tonight, I was able to attend my little sister's orchestra concert.  She plays the violin, and it always fabulous to hear her play.  We went to this teeny tiny place called the "Raue".  We went with my grandma, who is able to walk in large crowds with the assistance of a walker.  My dad said, "We've got one who can't stand up, and one who can't sit down"...it's true.  It was comical.  My parents were like ringleaders in a circus.  It was a big deal.  So, I get wheeled into the lobby of the Raue, and everybody is dressed up for this performance.  It's amazing how quickly people notice the wheelchair, and the loopy looking chick in pajama pants.  I get so embarassed when people stare at me.  I don't know why I'm so self-concious, I always have been.  And now my legs are up in the air all of the time.  People can see my toes, and they are orange. 

And they stared.  One usher followed us around everywhere.  He really, really wanted to help.  He actually was giving my dad advice on how to push the chair, and to "not go to fast", and "oh, we're okay".  As we passed each person, I just couldn't help but laugh.  Now I'm the loopy chick in a wheelchair, in pajama pants that's laughing to herself.  I want people to know that I'm happy to be where I am, and a smile is the quickest way to communicate that.  I like smiling.  A lot of old people are particularly interested in why I'm "chaired", and I like old people too.  I just mouth, "Rock climbing", and everyone nods in understanding.  I feel like people are nicer to me, and more patient when I'm in it.  It's so bizzare.  And, I'm pretty sure I'm not just making all of this up.  I have witnesses.  But, what I really want to communicate is that I trust in a God who is in control, and that I have joy, even when it feels like an elephant is standing on my feet.  And, unfortunately, tonight it did because I forgot to take my nerve pill this afternoon.  (It's those stinkin' naps!)

Sometimes I wonder what Jesus did to attract so much attention.  Like, do you think he had an angelic glow everywhere he went?  I don't think his beard was exceptionally long, or that he had huge feet.  His clothes were run-of-the-mill carpenter's clothes.  Maybe he smelled like wood?  (A good mosquito repellant...)  The cross necklace hadn't been invented yet, so he wasn't dangling some Flavor Flav bling.  He did travel with a large group of men; maybe they were noisy?  I seriously think people were drawn to Jesus because of his posture in life.  He was humble, but he was confident in who he was created to be.  He was full of compassion, but he carried the truth.  He was welcoming, and gentle, especially to little kids. 

Matthew talks about the "crowd" in chapter 14.  "When Jesus heard what had happened [his cousin John had been killed], he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns.  When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick."

I can't imagine needing to get away to be alone with God, and not being able to.  I would get so frustrated with the people that were following me around.  I'd freak out at people staring at me; "What are you lookin' at?"  Instead Jesus looks at the crowd of scared, lonely, angry, and unsensitive people (who might be looking at him in criticism and curiosity, waiting to see his next miracle), and he has compassion on them.

I'm not saying that I need to walk around piously next time I go out in public.  I use walk loosely.  Usually the compassionate stare is directed at me.  And, I am blessed with the time and ability to be able to withdraw to solitary places for chunks of time, and I'm thankful for that.  The pressure isn't as great for me...I can still hide in my mini-van drinking a soy hot chocolate with no whip from the Bucks.  But, the connection that I made was that instead of shrinking back because people stare at me, I want to be like Jesus.  I want to communicate him to the people around me, even though they might be staring in judgement.  Instead of getting frustrated or freaking out, I want to see people the way that Jesus sees people: with compassion.

Plan.

Today is Saturday.  Saturday is a good day, isn't it?  Every day is a good day, I hope that you know I'm just kidding around, but Saturday is the cushiony day where you can sometimes sleep in or be as busy as you want.  It's your call.  When I was a youngun I looked forward to Disney's One Saturday Morning.  PepperAnn was some cool stuff.  And Recess.  Oh Recess.  My family has this tradition where we always make a big breakfast.  And by "we" I mean my parents.  Ha ha.  This morning I had the honor of test-driving some pretty radical gluten-free pancakes.  Be jealous.  Then, the day is usually jam-packed...time with friends, ultimate frisbee, kids at games & concerts & IMEA & practices & at friends houses & babysitting, yardwork, or maybe work work.  I love going to the farmer's market on Saturdays, and taking long walks, even if it's in the snow.  The dogs I live with like Saturdays because it means a guaranteed trip to "Bark Park", a six (or so) acre strech of grassy goodness to frollick and spring upon.  They're Springers, in case you didn't know.  They like to spring.  Today was kind of nippy, or so the cool coming from my window tells me, so I really have no idea what might have happened on this day because I still think that it's fall outside, when I really hear that winter is fast approaching.  No ultimate frisbee, I assume.

To make the variable even greater, the night falls now at like, 4:00pm.  It seriously starts getting dark then, if you didn't know.  I contemplate every evening why we still practice Daylight Savings Time.  Why?  Once it gets dark, I always think about what people around the world are doing right now.  It's this funny thing I do all the time.  I started doing it when my dad came home from Malaysia some fifteen years ago, and talked about how people half-way around the world are "sleeping right now."  Technically, half of the world is asleep at any given moment.  Some people are resting this evening in Illinois.  And Wiscosin.  Most members of my household are already asleep!  It's ten Post Meridien people!  Others in my household are watching movies.  (Personally, I think Netflix stinks.)  Still others are out and about, hopping from place to place.  Flights back to Dallas, babysitting, Irish Dancing, finishing up presentations, or dumping my pee in the "real toilet" (for you, Dad.) 

Saturdays are good days, but they sometimes hold unexpected things.  There isn't always a routine for Saturdays, like there might be during the week.  For some people, they like routine, and Saturdays might hold one for them.  Me, I'm pretty flexible.  Let me just say that I've cried and cried in my lifetime about not being enough of a planner, but flexibility really comes in handy when both of your crurals are out of order.  (Look crural up.  It's good word.)  Plans are always changing and evolving, especially in my family.  I think it's just the nature of a family of six.  Seven or eight depending on the day.  Six peoples schedules are all trying to smush together at one time, and it just gets nuts.  Luckily, one persons schedule is out of order, but the other five are still INSANE.  Only one uses Google Calendar.  And this one is convinced that it will solve all of our scheduley problems.  But no one else believes this person.  Poor person.  They are so singled out.

The plans for today went differently than I had imagined in my head.  I pictured: wake up early, have breakfast, visit with friends, have lunch with aunt from Dallas and my peeps, aka chill with family, go to cool performance with sibling and woman who gave birth to me, come home, go to church, read, watch a movie, blog, go to bed.  It didn't quite happen that way though.  The morning ran a little later than I had anticipated which made me nervous, and I ended up having to stay home for the evening because of timing and traffic and the inability to get into a car.  I can't read these days because I'm so tired all the time, and I fell asleep, which I hate because I wake up, and I'm like Oscar the puffy-faced Grouch for the rest of the night and no one wants to be by me.  And, I always go to bed way later than I want to. 

I have a secret: I'm really a planner.  Yikes.  I don't like it when accidents happen.  I don't like falling asleep when I don't want to, or missing out on time with people or God.  As much as I don't want to admit it, I don't think I am as flexible as I think I am.  I'm not as against-the-current as I imagine myself being.  Weird, huh.  I want to be different; this is a desire that many, many people have, but when you look at "people" in general, it's hard to be different.  We're all people.  And we all want to be different. 

To continue with my "lessons from a movie" streak, I have a hybrid tonight.  I watched "October Sky" this evening, and I watched "Elizabethtown" this afternoon.  If you haven't seen either of them, I think they're really, really great movies.  I'm trying to only watch one movie a day, but I had extra time by myself this evening, and it was either watch a movie or fall asleep again.  Poop on that.  No way I'm falling asleep again. 

Anyway, we have had October sky for forever, I remember when it first came out.  I was probably 12 or 13, and it made a huge impression on me.  It's actually one of the reasons I wanted to become a teacher.  Laura Dern is so inspring in the movie, and so beautiful, and Jake Gyllenhaal is a hunk.  In the movie, Jake's character, Homer, doesn't want to be a coal miner like the rest of the townspeople.  He and his friends "know" that it's their "destiny" to one day mine coal, but they put it off as long as they can.  One day, Homer sees Sputnik shooting through the evening sky, and he catches this vision.  A vision for building a rocket, and sending it into space.  He knows nothing about how to do it, but just jumps in and starts building.  The boys make major headway (after many, many failures) until his dad gets hurt.  Homer has to start working in the coal mine to help his family.  He starts to settle; he finally wins his father's approval, but his teacher is furious, his friends are leary, and he starts to let go of his vision.  His destiny seems to come to fruition.  (I won't spoil the ending, but he isn't stuck in the mine for long & he ends up work for something that starts with an "N" and ends with ASA.  Do you think he planned on that?)

In Elizabethtown, the main character (also a hunk), fails miserably on a shoe design, costing his company close to a billion dollars.  He contemplates suicide, but ends up finding out that his dad, from Kentucky, has died.  In his travels, he meets this girl, and she helps him to find the positive side of things.  My favorite line in the movie is where she tells him, "You failed" about twenty times in a row, but she does it with such honesty and grace and love.  He decides to admit and the discard the failure, rather than dwelling on it forever.  Do you think he planned on that?

You see, I can connect to both stories.  I want to be someone who makes a difference in the lives of others.  I'm just coming out and saying it - straight up.  That is my desire.  I think it causes me to wrestle though with my failure and with my pride and with my future, and with my insecurities and with the plans I've made.  These things have been heavy on my heart for several days now.  Dreams.  Vision.  Grace.  Journey.  Fear.  Humility.  Jobs.  Plans.  Over and over again, I keep thinking about the future, and sometimes I worry.

Both of these movies brought to mind this verse:  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."  Jeremiah 29:11-12

The first verse is highly quoted, and sometimes a little redundant (for people like me anyway who hear something many times, and forget what it means), but I wanted to share it anyway.  It's one I've been seeing a lot in the cards I've received, and it has new meaning tonight.  God has plans for our lives.  Every single person on the earth, he has a plan for.  The hard part is that we have to work at understanding what that plan is, and accept the challenges and blessings that come with it.  The second part of the verse is much less familiar...I didn't know that part by heart.

Over and over again in Scripture, we see where Jesus calls out to his Father, sometimes in the middle of a fierce discussion with the religious leaders or others around him.  He's constantly tuning his heart to that of the Father, and so, in turn, his plans are in tune as well.  He listens to his Father.  I mean, think about it.  Jesus was a wanderer, but he was never lost.  He always always always had direction in his life.  He always knew what he needed to do.  He knew where he needed to go.  Why?  The Father had a plan.  The best part is that Jesus went.  Without any hesitation.  He listened to his Father.

Part of the reason that all of those "things" weigh so heavy on my heart and mind is because I'm not doing a very good job of listening.  It's so hard.  Sometimes I think I just don't know how.  I mean, I can barely keep my thoughts in one place at any given time.  It's fairly ridiculous actually.  Please pray for me, that I would tune my heart to the Father's voice & that I can focus on hearing him in the coming weeks.  I don't know that I believe in destiny, or predestination - I don't know enough about them to say.  I don't like failure, and trying over and over again is hard.  I can be pretty faint-hearted.  What I do know is that I need to be a better listener & to continue being honest with God.  I want to know his plan.  Trusting that the Lord knows what he's doing at all times is very difficult because we have to surrender control, being still & knowing that He is God.

Jesus said, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” when he was about to give up his life.  I struggle with how to cast vision for my life, and still stay in tune with God.  This demeanor is one that I long for - complete and utter surrender.  Jesus followed God's plan.  Ultmately, he had to surrender his life in an extremely humble way, knowing that in the end he would die.  That was God's plan.  And yet, Jesus submitted to it.  Just like always.  But God's plan was to use that to redeem an entire race: humans.  I'm so thankful that Jesus followed God's plan, even in the pain and hurt because I am blessed by that decision.  Watching the process helps me to trust in God's plan, remember to call on him, go and pray to him, and give everything, every plan...and he will listen.  My job is to listen right back.

Reveal.

So, last night I was whomped, and went to bed semi-early.  Today, I woke up at 11am.  I have no idea what is going on, but I have been so tired lately.  I tried to read this afternoon, but I kept dozing off.  So, I decided to watch a movie.  One movie turned into three.  Yup.  I'm ashamed to even admit it, but I wasted nearly six hours of my life today.  Fortunately, one of the movies sort of redeems the day because it was semi-educational.  It was a movie about a young woman named Esther.  Anyway, this was my cheesy-Christian-movie-of-the-year numero dos (number two).  It's funny how I'm actually being challenged in watching these movies.  I think I may be a little judgemental when it comes to faith-based movies.  I should probably lay off a little bit, huh.  In this big, dramatic scene Esther, (who I'm not sure if she's supposed to be British in the movie) says this to her (best actor in the movie) bodyguard, 

"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings." (Proverbs 25:2)

Yesterday I had blogged about not knowing what my dreams are in life.  I think that God gives us passions and a vision for who we are, and what we are to do, but an answer came within this very movie: I have to spend time seeking it out.  Often times I think that the clouds will open up, and God will just say, "Catie, I want you to work for the DNR (Department of Natural Resources); you can spend the rest of your life frollicking around in Montana being a moutain woman.  Enjoy.  Sincerely, God."

Yes.  This is one of my life dreams, and I've never told anybody, so don't laugh at me.  I would love to be a mountain woman.  I seriously thought at one point that I could just go and work for some governmental program, possibly teaching kids about the wilderness, and get to spend most of my life hiding away in some cabin in the middle of the woods.  As a hermit and spinster.  Yup.  Then I realized that I only wanted this dream because I really wanted to escape from everything that was going on around me, and I would go stir-crazy within the first year.  I probably wouldn't even make it that long.  I'd be talking to bunnies and chipmunks with a month.  The first time I saw a grizzly, I'd pee myself & it would view that as a territorial threat display, and I'd die.  So.  That's out.  (For now...unless I meet someone or some people that will move out there with me.  Any takers?) 

But seriously, since I was little, I've been fed this lie - that I can wish upon a star & my dreams will come true.  I mean, come on Disney, what are you THINKING?!  Billions of dollars is not worth brainwashing young kids the way you do.  Ugh.  I keep waiting for my dreams to come to me while I'm sleeping, or while I'm laying in bed thinking, or while I'm talking to someone, or when my fairy-godmother shows up and gives them to me, and I ride away into the sunset with a drop-dead gorgeous man beside me.  To be quite honest, as a twenty-three, almost twenty-four year old woman, I have to fight of these misconceptions.   They're quite tempting, you know.

The thing is that my dreams can't come from other people, or from the middle of nowhere (although, it would be nice.)  My dreams have to be searched out, like I'm searching for hidden treasure.  And, although it sometimes feels like that treasure is in the bottom of a body of water...the ocean.  Atlantis, actually.  And I have no boat.  Oh, and I get seasick.  And I'm deathly afraid of sharks...I know that I have to keep searching.  The best part is that God gets so excited when I look that hard; when I care enough about our relationship, my life, and our future together, that I actually venture out in pursuit.  Thank goodness he's with me, all the way.  I don't think he's going to run ahead of me, and start jumping up and down on top of the treasure chest, but he will be my guide, and he's faithful.  To the very, very end.

So, thanks "One Night With the King", for teaching me that.

Wow.

I can't even believe those words are coming out of my mouth.  Blech!  No more crazy-cheesy, bad-acting, Christiany movies for me.  But I promise not to judge?  Heh.  Heh heh.   : )

Dreams.

I am so tired right now.  I'm about to fall asleep on top of my computer.  I can't wait to dream tonight, and to enjoy the gift of sleep.  Throughout my journey, I've been so thankful that I have been able to sleep through the night.  I love sleeping.  Sleeping is so good, and it's definitely something that I do not take for granted.

The dreams that I thought about today were not the kind that you have at night.  I watched "The Ultimate Gift" today, which really should be called, "The Ultimate Cheesy Christian Movie of the Year".  But, you know, the cheesy movie won out in the end.  I cried like a baby.  There's this part where a little girl with cancer turns and asks the main character of the movie what his dreams are.  And do you know what he says?  "I don't know.  I don't have any."  That's the part that made me cry.  I'm so insensitive and hard...I didn't cry at the part where the little girl dies, or the two main characters fall in love and make out at the end.  No, no.  I cry at the parts that I connect to.  That's how I feel right now.  I feel like I have goals in life - namely, to heal from where I'm at, and to be able to walk.  To serve God well, in obedience & love.  To follow the example of Christ, crossing social barriers and meeting the needs of those around me.  To find my gifts and strengths & use them with joy and selflessness.

You know.  Goals.  But I have no dreams. 

I used to be such a dreamer, but I became discouraged, and I gave up.  I read Mark 9 today, and there is this verse that talks about belief.  Jesus is coming down from a sort of "Holy Hike" with a few of his disciples (see Mark 9:1-10), and he sees some other disciples surrounded by a crowd.  One man in the crowd turns to Jesus, and begs him to heal his son.  He says [about his son],
"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
    “‘If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

I really resonate with these verses.  I find myself sometimes coming to God with partial belief.  Why is that I believe he can do some things and not others?  Why is it easier to surrender certain areas of my life than others?  I come to God with so many "If you can"s.  Truly believing that "everything is possible for one who believes" scares me.  And so, I'm afraid to dream.  I love it that the father in the story is immediately vulnerable with Jesus - "help me overcome my unbelief!"

Oh Father.  How many times I've been scared to believe.  That you are real, that you see me and you get me, and you know me, that you love me anyway, that you have plans for my life, that you want me to do well, and by your standards, that you are in control.  Help me overcome my unbelief.  Help me to dream again.  I no longer want the "right answer" or to "get there" in life.  In fact, I'm okay with letting go of the dreams that I used to dream.  The things I've held on to that maybe you didn't want me to have.  I want to know what makes you heart beat quicken, Father, and I want to go there.  Not by the dreams of this world, this country, or this generation, but by what you say and think and dream.  I want those dreams.  Thank you for the time you've given me to heal and dream again.

Breathe.

Today was a beautiful day.  There is no snow on the ground in IL.  Yet.  (Sorry Minnesota friends.)  And so, my lovely wheelchair can cart me pretty much anywhere.  My dad works, literally, across the street from my house, and (as he is the designated ramp engineer & operator) he was able to take me for a walk.  It's funny because I'm really getting to know my dogs in a more intimate way.  I'm, like, right at their level.  I felt kind of like a pet, but in a good way.  The sun shone down so brightly this afternoon - I felt my Vitamin D levels bouncin' back.  My friend, who came over tonight, said I even got a tan.  ; )  In my dreams.  She just came back from Florida.  Too bad being tan isn't contagious.

I was thinking this afternoon about how blessed I am to be able to go out and enjoy the sun, and the fresh air.  To be able to see everything around me, and to hear what's going on.  All of my senses are intact, and to me, it's a miracle.  Breathing is something that I highly value as an asthmatic, and because I haven't had any wheat or milk for two and half weeks (a personal record), I can breathe very well!  The air smelled so sweet, I couldn't even believe it.  It felt like I was drinking in invisible Dr. Pepper.

I once heard that the average person breathes in and out 12 times per minute.  And that's when they are relaxed.  Crazy-loopy-awesome breathing specialists say that you should be breathing about 6 times per minute.  And, if you watch babies, they instinctively know how to breathe - from the diaphram.  You'll see their stomachs rise up and down, up and down.  Adults usually breathe using the upper parts of their chest.  We don't naturally breathe from the gut anymore; we actually forget how to breathe.  If you breathe 6 times per minute instead of the average 12, some people say that you can decrease your stress level & blood pressure, focus the mind, and release endorphins.  Everyone likes endorphins. 

There is this guy named Rob Bell (some people are on board with the things he believes, and some aren't, but just stick with me.)  He has this video series called, "Nooma"  (another word for the Holy Spirit, I believe, but spelled incorrectly.)  Anyway, the only video in the entire series that I can remember (and I've seen a lot of them, mostly in college) is the one called "Breathe" or "Air" or something like that.  It had to do with oxygen.  You get the idea.

I remember Rob talking about the idea that we worship God with every single breath that we take.  Apparently, the origin of the word "Yahweh" is a vocalization of a breath-like sound.  Yahweh is what God's people would say when they wanted to refer to God without saying...well...God.  It was an extremely sacred and intimate sound for him...so close to his people that it was in their very breath.  This video made such an impression on me because there truly are so many different ways to worship God.  Breathing.  Breathing deep.  Stepping outside and seeing something beautiful no matter the circumstances.  Holding the hand of someone who needs to feel held.  Having compassion on others around you.  Studying scripture together, and applying it to our lives.  Dancing in the rain, or going for long walks on the beach & smiling because you know and trust that it was He who orchestrated it all.  Worshipping God is bringing honor and glory to him.  Giving him the credit.

Every single breath; I give you credit.

Job 32:8 says, "But it is the spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding."  It actually isn't Job speaking, but Elihu, a young man who is frustrated with some friends of Job.  The story of Job is incredibly long and painful, but Elihu speaks truth and hope into the life of this man.  He says that the breath of the Almighty is in a person, and it's what gives them understanding.  The fact that something in your mind can come from something in your lungs is pretty crazy.  And it's even crazier that the breath of GOD is entering your body as you read these words.  At first, it actually kind of makes me uncomfortable.  There haven't been many instances in my life where someone elses breath has entered my lungs.  I can remember playing a game where you had to pass Lifesavers down a line using toothpicks in your mouths - I hated it.  I could feel someone elses breath, and I breathed it in!  It's kind of a big deal that the breath of the Creator of the Universe is entering my lungs right now.  And now.  And now. 

Pretty crazy.

God, I ask that you would continue to breathe life into these lungs of mine.  I long to worship you with every breath that I have; help me not to take them for granted.  I acknowledge that you breathed life into my lungs when I took my very first breath, and I thank you that I can still breathe deep, resting in the knowledge of the fact that you see me.  You understand me, and you give me understanding.  You know me, more intimately than anyone can know me.  Even myself.  Even though my lungs are weak, I thank you that they are filled with your grace, your love, your patience, your freedom, and your hope.  I find these things only in you, and they taste so sweet.  You are so good to me.  Yahweh. 

Rest.

Today was a restful day. 

I'm pooped though!  Ha ha.  Contridiction, eh?  Seriously though.  Laying in bed all day is exhausting.  I feel so ridiculous saying that, but it's true.  Although, in my defense, I think I can feel my white bloodcells in action.  No, really.  They're wiggling around ferociously in my legs.  And it's not the extremely bizarre case of bedbugs that seem to be going around Illinois, I promise (although, the first night I was off of my morphine, I felt a bug in my cast.  It was one of the scariest things I've experienced on this journey so far.  And then I hear about bed bugs.  Oi.  I don't think it was real, but I was freaked.)  My body is in over-drive, and I'm so thankful.  Like, when I touch my legs, they are warm.  I'm alive.  And, I can wiggle my toes more and more each day!  People keep praying for a quick recovery, and my body is literally responding, by the grace of God.

This morning I woke up at 6am ( I love it when that happens), and I could not go back to bed (no really, I love it when that happens).  So, I watched the three episodes of Community that I missed in the last few weeks (love that show), and started writing thank you notes to all of the wonderful people that have brought us dinner over the last two weeks (love those people).  10am rolls around, and I'm tired, but instead of just falling asleep, I had the privilege of singing and worshipping for a few minutes alongside of my good friends Brooke, Chris, and Hillsong peeps whose names I can't remember (love them too).  It always amazes me how singing and listening to music can just usher me into the presence of my Creator.  I fell asleep feeling curled up in his arms - warm, safe, invited; I wouldn't trade that moment for anything.

Even though I hate napping, I love the feeling of being so close to God.  Rest is found in his presence.  I'm so thankful that Jesus paved the way for us, and that He allows us to come and lay before his throne.  One song I haven't heard in a while goes like this, "Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that you're my God.  You're altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me."  It so encapsulated what I wanted to express to God, and when that happens, I feel so excited and so connected.  (And, on a more musical note (ha ha), the emphasis is on the italicized words.  Literally, when you sing the song, you hang onto the italicized words for a longer period of time.  Cool, huh?!)

Anyway, speaking of a wonderful God, I got to reading Matthew 11 today.  It is an interesting and emotional chapter in the Bible.  Not all of it is restful; in the beginning, Jesus' cousin, John the Baptist, is in jail (because he was considered a crazy head), and he asks Jesus if he's the Messiah via some of his followers.  Because he's in jail.  You can't get out of jail to talk to people.  Jesus responds and says, "The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.”  Jesus was a really wise dude.  Sometimes I do stumble on what he says, but I love him for it, and deeply admire this trait of being able to give a completely truthful answer no matter who's around. 

I can literally connect to these verses:  Jesus is like the glasses I have to wear so I can see three feet in front of me; I have been cleansed of so many illnesses (thank goodness they weren't leprosy, and thank goodness I didn't live in Jesus' time because I would have hated to be alone & outside of the city);  I have been deaf for much of my life & I can now hear; I have felt very poor (even though "poor" is an extremely relative term - ask me about it sometime) & I have seen God's provision.  And...I'm really looking forward to walking again.  Call me lame if you want, but I can't wait to get my butt back.  Ha ha.  Get it?  Luckily I've never been raised from the dead.  It would stinky.  


: D  Lighten UP people!

I also love love love those verses because I have been redeemed by this Messiah; there is such good news in Jesus.  "Good news" seems like such a Christiany thing to say or hear, doesn't it?  But when is the last time that you heard good news?  For me, it was when I found out my little sister had bought her plane ticket home for Thanksgiving, and that she wasn't going to try to fly standby.  So I'll actually get to see her.  It was good news.  Jesus' life, and his death are good news.  Like hearing that your daughter broke her legs, but she isn't dead.  Or maybe it's that your granddaughter has been born, or that your friend has been proposed to (or maybe you know when the proposing is going to happen).  Maybe it's that you got that A you worked really hard for.  Or...didn't work hard for.  Maybe it's the job that you got, or the one that you can quit.  Maybe it's that the cancer is in remission, or maybe it's that when the cancer patient dies, you know they are in heaven because they were in love with Jesus.  For the guy that I met in the hospital the other day, it was that he and his wife were going to be able to live out their lives normally even though their motorcycle had flipped three times in the middle of a New York freeway.  

Good news can be found throughout our lives.  Jesus.  Is good news.

So, all of the people who were all up in Jesus' grill overheard what he had said to John, and he starts asking them what they want.  Not in a defensive or snarky way, but he's still trying to get them to see who he is.  Trying to get them to see what their motives are.  There is good news, right?  They couldn't see it.  Or hear it.  Or smell it.  Can you imagine?!  The Messiah is standing inches away from them, and they just don't get it.  (Sometimes I wonder if I would have been one of them.  Too busy to change my lifestyle because it took me an hour everyday just to get water for my whole family, or too hot to really care & think about what Jesus was saying.  I may have just left the posse because I had to pee.)  You can see Jesus get frustrated with the very people that he has performed miracles in front of (their eyes had seen, their ears had heard, their noses could smell, but their hearts were hard); there is this major progression of emotions.  Then, he says this:


 At that time Jesus said, [see, told you.] “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this is what you were pleased to do.  All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.  

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Can you believe he ends with this?  In music terms, we call it a crescendo.  Build, build, bui...wait, what?  Jesus stops.  Everything he's doing & saying.  He just starts talking to his Father.  He starts praising him unabashedly in front of everyone.  He acknowledges the Sovereignty of his dad.  This HUGE crescendo that doesn't make "sense":  He invites the people in front of him in.  He so longs to give them rest; he can see the sunken eyes (in my case, with the bags underneath), he can see into the hearts of the ones who are so busy or so fearful or so worried or so sad or so angry or so confused or so caught up in everything around them.  And he says, "Come."  "Rest." "Learn from me." "Be like me." "Come, see who I really am."

I trust God.  Better in some moments than in others.  It's hard.  It's really, really hard.  Mostly because I have trust issues.  We all do.  But, when I think about what has happened over the past two weeks (I can't believe it's been that long), I keep going back to trust.  When I can trust, I can rest.  When I can hand my baggage over to Jesus, I can rest.  When I actually let go, I can rest.  When I allow Jesus to lead, I can rest.  Jesus truly is gentle and humble - it was engraved into his very nature, in his posture, and in the way that he lived & moved & breathed.  Even when I think about hitting the ground of an indoor rock climbing gym, I think of a gentle Jesus.  Truly, it was a gentle way of showing me that I need to rest well.  (Among other things...but we'll come to those later, right?  : )  My housemate used to say to me every night before I would go to bed, "Rest well, Catie."

Rest isn't just found in a nap.  Rest is found deep down in our very being, in our souls, because we are or have been weary and burdened.  But we can come to Him, even when it is humbling.  I am trying to learn to be like this Jesus, caring about the things he cared about.  Passionate about the things he was passionate about.  Sad about the things he was sad about.  Gentle with the things he was gentle with.  Resting in his truth because he rested in His Father.  The Truth.

Rest well, my friends.  May you rest in Him.