Elihu.

I just read a little bit of Job.  I don't know how I ended up there, but I somehow did.  Maybe it was my subconscious...I don't know.  I think I have been having a pity party the last few days.  It was highly unnecessary for me to do so; I somehow lost focus of Jesus, not just in the moments when I fell over (multiple times), but in the moments afterward.  

So I ended up in Job, and I remembered a paper I wrote in college on Job's four friends.  They all have Old Testamenty names: Zophar, Eliphaz, Bildad, & Elihu.  If you don't know the story of Job, he is a man that respects God, and tries to live the life God wants him to.  God allows everything to be taken away from Job: his kids, his flocks, his status...everything (except his wife...)  Anyway, Job is talking these friends several chapters later in the book, and each friend responds to him somehow.  In fact, each friend has a chapter of their own: the first three friends ask questions of Job (very critically I must say - they sort of attack him), and Job responds (at length.  I'm summarizing a great deal here.)  Then you get to the end of the book, and you finally hear the fourth friend, Elihu, after the three friends and Job have gone back and forth:


"So these three men stopped answering Job, because he was righteous in his own eyes.  But Elihu son of Barakel the Buzite, of the family of Ram, became very angry with Job for justifying himself rather than God. He was also angry with the three friends, because they had found no way to refute Job, and yet had condemned him. Now Elihu had waited before speaking to Job because they were older than he. But when he saw that the three men had nothing more to say, his anger was aroused."  Job 32:1-5

After this passage, Elihu speaks for several chapters to job and his friends.  He had a lot to say to Job & his friends, and he says it in humility, but with great passion.  The titles of these chapters are (Message Version):


God's Spirit Makes Wisdom Possible
God Always Answers, One Way or Another
It's Impossible for God to Do Evil
God Makes His Creation a Classroom
Those Who Learn From Their Suffering


I started blogging this last night, but I couldn't finish because it was too much for me to think about.  But I decided to come back to it, and write about it, because it is kind of a huge break-through for me.  A subtle, but huge breakthrough.


I have been trying to justify myself, rather than God.  I have taken my focus off of him in the last few days, and instead focused on my limitations.  I mean, I'm not even sure I know how to fix my eyes upon Jesus when I can only see my limitations.  And the reason that I have been so emotional about it is because it is a picture that represents so much of my life, especially in the last few years; when I see my limitations, I become fixated on them, rather than on Jesus.


Reading Job last night, and seeing the way that Elihu spoke so much truth into Job's life (and the lives of his friends) was so powerful for me.  In fact, GOD actually uses what Elihu says as a springboard!  There is this huge storm happening in the background, with thunder and lightning, and then, all of sudden, God steps in and confronts Job.  He asks (in a much longer stream than this), "Have you gotten to the bottom of things, Job?  What do you have to say for yourself?"


Job answers.  Do you know what he says?  "I'm ready to be quiet and listen."


God responds again (with such patience...) with (titles) like, "I want straight answers" and "I run this Universe."  God is in control!  Not Job!


Job responds with worship - he has a renewed sense of awe.  The title of his response is, "I babbled on about things far beyond me."


And God accepts his babbling.  His prayer. 


I (Catie) have no idea if any of this makes sense, but it was such a revelation for me, given my stinky attitude over the last couple of days.  I came across this verse in the New Testament after reading all of this last night, (in a forwarded e-mail about Buzz Aldrin & his communion on the moon), and I immediately knew, through all of the repetition, that God was clearly speaking to me.


“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5

Beginner.

"We do not want to be beginners.  But let us be convinced of the fact that we will never be anything else but beginners, all our life!"  - Thomas Merton.

Dear Tom,

I wish you were wrong.

Humbly, and with love,
Catie

Today.  Was another day to glorify my Jesus.  It was, truly, a wonderful day.  Puzzle-building with Mama Berndt, celebrating my mom's birthday, hanging out with some cools peeps at my church - it was such a marvelous day.  Unfortunately, in the very last minutes of the day, my day took a nosedive.

I finally worked up the nerve to try using my crutches again.  I am afraid of them, I'm not gonna lie.  They are hard for me to use.  So when I accidentally took a step backwards, and stepped onto my left foot; my excitement turned to fear.  I had a mini-panic attack & freaked everyone around me out.  You see, this is the same left foot that I'm only supposed to be putting 10% of my weight on (as of yesterday.)  I was scared.

Why is it that I don't like being a beginner?  What is it with me and mistakes?!  Why is grace such a hard concept for me to grasp?  Ugh.  My head hurts.  I dislike the headaches that tears give me, but I feel such a relief.  It's so so so silly - I can't believe I had another meltdown today because I can't figure out how to use my stupid crutches.

Grace.  It's what I have wrestled with from the very beginning.  And I am also a beginner at understanding grace.  I will always be a beginner.  Especially when it comes to understanding God.  But, I am thankful.

Because am I God?  No.  Will my step backwards onto my foot really make that big of a difference?  Probably not.  Am I frustrated that I can't use crutches?  Yes.  Do I need to keep trying?  Yes.  Will I cry again?  Yes.  But God has brought me this far, and I'm pretty sure that he will help me with my next steps.  Literally & figuratively.  Even if they have to be really really really small.  And even when I look like Bambi.

Knit.

My birthday is officially over.  By one minute.  Phew.  It's kind of a relief.  I mean, not be a Debby-downer here, but today was actually kind of rough.  It doesn't help that right now I'm completely exhausted, and I can't sleep  It was an incredibly full and challenging day.  But.  It's over.  I have SO much to be thankful for, even in the midst of trying things...

- A car to drive to Milwaukee in, and one that will run in single digits Fahrenheit.
- Parents that are willing to take a day off to go with me to the doctor.
- Sisters that know how to show me that they love me.
And that they really do.
- Extended family that does the same.
- Friends that remember my birthday.
And love me for who I am.
And see who I can become.
- Insurance.
- Technology.
- Crutches & boots to walk on.
- Gluten-free Betty Crocker cake mix.  And frosting.
- Delicious books to read.  And the ability & time to read them. 
- Clean air to breathe.  And healthy lungs.
- Van parties with three-year-olds.
- HJ & JWo & ChadWo...even though ChadWo couldn't make the van party.
- The fact that my doctor said that my LEFT leg looks "Wonderful!"  He doesn't say that word very often.  He made funny eyebrows last time.  So it actually means that my left leg is healing well, and that the blood is moving back into the damaged area!  Praise God!

I have so much to be thankful for.  Don't I?  I know that not everyone has these things, and I think that today there were so many distractions.  It was hard for me to stay focused on these things because of how many things were coming at me from all directions.  All day.  Not being able to see my friends, and spend time with them.  (When I get back to Milwaukee (Lord willing) I want to have a gigantic party.  From like 9am until 5pm.  Skip work.)  Weird things coming up from the past week that I didn't even realize were happening.  Having to say goodbye to curriculum from my old job.  Which officially means it's over.  Things like miscommunications, and disappointment in my doctor's visit.  I had unrealistic expectations on myself, and pushed my legs way too hard today. 

All these things fade away as I stand in awe this evening.  I actually stood in my own home tonight for the very first time.  I am so glad that God saw it fit to keep me in the world for another birthday, and I'm so thankful for all that he continues to do.  Even when I make mistakes.  Even when I am in pain.  Even when I say stupid, stupid things.  I am most thankful for his love, and that he allows me to show him love in return.  One of my all-time favorite passages is this one:

 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.
- Psalm 139:13-18

I remember the youth retreat I was on when I first heard these verses.  I think I was, like, 13 or 14 at the time.  I remember sitting there and hearing these words, and just sobbing my eyes out.  I was blown away.  These words shook me to the core.  To think that God actually saw me inside my mom's uterus, and that I was fearfully & wonderfully made!  As were you.  Truly, I know full well, and I continue to be blown away.  God's works are wonderful. 

I'm so thankful that God knows how to knit.  And that he knit you and I together.  That we inhabit this time and this space in this moment as human beings.  And that he knew us before we were even a thought.  But, really, we were a thought because he knew us.  God thought of us as he was painting the sky, and carving out spaces for rivers with his fingers.  He thought of us when he realized what his children had done in choosing the knowledge of good & evil on that first fallen day.  He thought of us over and over again as he demonstrated his faithfulness to his people, and he thought of us when he allowed his son to be beaten nearly to death, crucified & spit upon.  He knows how to knit.  His plan is absolutely perfect.  And I'm so thankful for the many places that he's patched up & redeemed in my life, for the design that he has created in my heart.  And for the way that he continues to draw me out & make me his.

Abba, I am so thankful for you.

Exclamation.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:20 & 21

I know that I have talked about this verse before,  but I never really thought of my 24th birthday as something to be imaginative about.  I'm totally stoked.  And, I mean, I just love the exclamation point at the end of these verses.  Just so you know, I didn't put that there.  Paul (the writer) did.

I wonder how Jesus celebrated his birthdays?  Did they have cake in the BC?  I wonder what went through Mary's mind each year as she recounted how everything surrounding his birthday went down.  What do you think Jesus was like when he was 24?

For me, twenty-four is going to be a transitional year.  Exclamation point style.  There is electricity in my bones.  I can just feel that this year holds things that I am not evening thinking about.  The transition part may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it's huge.  Not only will I begin walking again (as of tomorrow, hopefully more regularly, with the crutches I get from my doctor), I just feel like I will be transitioning into different things in every area of my life.  I think I'm more excited about this birthday, and less nervous than I was last year.  What a relief!

God has been so incredibly faithful to me for my entire life, and as of this birthday, I have officially been pursuing him for half of it.  After this birthday, I'm want to dream big.  And not just in some self-help-lofty-ideal-pie-in-the-sky-graduation-schpeel kind of way, but genuinely.  I want my life to be taken out of the box that I have somehow placed it in.  I want to take more risks, and continue to grow.  I want to be more sure of who I am, and not so worried about who I'm not.  I want to be wrong more often, and be okay with it.  I want to see my life in the way that Jesus saw his; through the eyes of his Father.

Because he truly is able to do immeasurably more than I can even imagine.  And, not to brag or anything, but I have a pretty crazy imagination.  He does greater things that I can even think to ask of.  And I can't get over it.

Jesus, thank you for another day today.  Thank you for each breath.  Thank you for reminding me that even though I'm not promised tomorrow, I have so much to look forward to.  Thank you for the hope that I can find in you alone.  To you be all the glory.  Forever.

Faithful.

Faithful:

1. Strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.

2. True to one's word, promises, vows, etc.

3. Steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant.

4. Reliable, trusted, or believed.

5. Adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate.
(dictionary.com)


I had another wonderful conversation today, in another wonderful day.  And I'm not just saying that.  Sometimes I feel like when I say that to people (that I had a wonderful day, or that the last three months have truly been wonder-filled), they don't believe me, or they think I'm lying.  Or maybe that I have everything figured out or am trying to appear perfect.  First, please believe me, and second I am not perfect.  God is seriously just so good to me.  And I pray that tomorrow is full of wonder for you as well.

That is exactly what my conversation was about; God's faithfulness.  I've talked a lot about that word, "faithfulness", and I decided that it was time to whip out another definition.  I think it's a word that people in the church use a lot.  And people in divorce courts, but that's a different kind of faithfulness.  Unfaithfulness, possibly.  But the kind of faithfulness that I have grown more and more passionate about in the last several years about is God's faithfulness.  There is nothing like it.  It's really incomprehensible, I think.  And I also think the word has lost some meaning.

I mean, he never breaks his promises, he can be trusted with anything, he is so passionate about people, and his love, power, grace, mercy, & justice are so constant.  And he does this all at the same time!  I mean, I can barely walk and and chew gum at the same time.  Actually, I can barely walk, period.  ; )

I just think it's so cool to be able to hear how God has been so good to so many other people around me.  It's something that I think we need to be reminded of, and often; we are not the center of God's universe, and yet he sees us.  It's sort of a paradox, isn't it?  He sees each person in the universe both individually, and he sees people collectively at the same exact time.  He values each person, gives lavishly to each person, and knows each person better than anyone else will ever know them.  And, at the exact same time, he is loving-kind toward everyone collectively, and longs for us to live in community with one another.  Life isn't about "me", or even "us", but "I" and "we" are still seen by such a huge God.  A God who has never been seen by our eyes; the God that keeps everything in motion.  He is so generous with his love, and his provision is perfect.  His plan is often deeply hidden, and it is only revealed second by millisecond. 


I was thankful to be able to celebrate this with others today.  

I am making good on my promise to myself to go to bed earlier this evening, and I'm so looking forward to watching the sun rise in the morning.  That in and of itself is evidence of God's extreme faithfulness.  All wrapped up into one giant eggroll called Psalm 92.  (v. 1-5)


"It is good to praise the Lord
  and make music to your name, O Most High,
proclaiming your love in the morning
   and your faithfulness at night,
to the music of the ten-stringed lyre (or piano)
   and the melody of the harp (or guitar).
For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD;
   I sing for joy at what your hands have done.
How great are your works, LORD,
   how profound your thoughts!"

Ordinary.

I felt like a real human being tonight.  Wanna know why?

I wore jeans for the first time in THREE MONTHS! Ahhhhhhhhh!  It felt so good.  I never thought I would hear myself say that, but it felt so good to wear real pants.  An ordinary thing that just had new life to me.  Other new clothing items I wore shall remain nameless.

In other news, I have no idea how I happened to start going to bed so late... it just snuck up on me.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't had to get up early in quite some time, and when I finally snuggle into bed and start thinking about my day, it's pretty late.  Tonight's even later because I just got back from a Superbowl party at my church.  It was lots of fun, and not just because the food was amazing.  (I really do love food.)   The game was fun to watch... (I never really liked football until this past year.  I watched the Greenbay vs. Chicago game in the fall with my dear friend JWo, and I just started liking it.  Pretty sure Chicago won that game.  Pretty sure I am the worst kind of football fan ever.  Whoever wins...I like them.  That's pretty awful of me, huh.)

But it was also fun to meet new people, and have good conversations.  One of the things in my life that I have always enjoyed is meeting new people.  Everyone is different when it comes to this, but I think that even that in and of itself is really a good thing.  I really appreciate people who are reserved and quiet, and I appreciate people who are outgoing and talkative, and I appreciate people in between.  I think we need all of the above. 

One of the highlights of the night was getting to talk to someone who had made a commitment this year to spending more time serving the poor in his community.  It was so cool to hear how God has been teaching him what it means to rub shoulders with people who live in poverty.  He shared about how he has been learning so much from the people that he has been able to share meals with, and how humbling it was for him to be able to have great conversations with people who live with next to nothing.  And then, yesterday, the students at Marquette University in Milwaukee (where I was volunteering with InterVarsity), held an urban project for their community.  60 students handed out 120 meals to people in their community that needed them, and I think that they realized that so many of the people that they were eating with weren't that different than them. 

I just think it's so cool that this was such a theme in the weekend, amidst so many different things; that God is teaching myself and others what it means to serve.  To value what our society has deemed invaluable.  To view people as Jesus views them.  I so look forward to being able to brush shoulders with the people around me that Jesus highly values, and I'm so thankful that I have been able to do that in the past months.  I know I've posted a lot of C.S. Lewis quotes (I just really connect with him...), but he once said that we need to:

"remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship."

I don't post this as though a reader might be hungry for fame or acknowledgment, or to suggest that you would want to worship another person, but to simply remind myself that:

"There are no ordinary people."

New.

I came across this tonight:

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it." - C.S. Lewis 

So, here it is.  The truth.  I entered into a relationship with a man when I was 12 years old.  He showed me grace then, and he shows it to me now.  It's nothing new.  Nothing I have said or can say is new.  But it's the truth.  Jesus changes lives.  He is more wonderful than I ever could have imagined.