Focus.

Or, if you are more scientifically minded:

That is your daily dose of sunshine.

For those of you in the midwest, you are probably missing the sun as much as I am tonight.  I haven't seen it in so long, and the Chicago news has started this "Countdown to Spring".  I just want to be like, "Stop.  Please just stop.  51 days away is ridiculously far, and you're just making me more depressed."  Spring is 51 days away.  I guess that's not too long.  I'm trying so hard to live in the moment - winter is wonderful, and I love the snow.  I'm just missing the sun right now.  (I found out tonight from a Nurse Practitioner babe that you can use a blue garden light to simulate sunlight, and that it produces seratonin!  Home Depot, here I come!)

Just in case you don't have a blue light in your house, I'm sending a few rays your way.

Last night I fell asleep prematurely: didn't brush my teef, didn't pee, didn't take my glasses off, didn't get my pillows right (I sleep with two fluffy ones - I only had one flat one under me), and I didn't take my meds/vitamins.  Let me tell you.  I woke up like a grumpy bear.  I felt like I had gotten hit by a truck.  Or a hunter?  And...I'm not sure how exactly that would feel (thankfully), but I'm sure you would feel really sore the next day.  I couldn't get my internet to work, and I couldn't find my cell phone...Then, I thought I was going to be walking on crutches at my PT appointment, but I think I must have heard my PT helper wrong - not until next week. 

All that to say that my day was off to a weird start.  Isn't it amazing?  How so many little things can distract you from what your day could be like?  I mean, really.  Who cares how many pillows I like to sleep on?  Do I need my cell phone and internet to survive?  No.  Why do I let those little things make or break my day?  I am so easily distracted by those things.  I'm working on focus.

You know who has focus?  Angels.  Seriously.  Tonight during my small group time, we were talking about angels, and how people in our culture today have an easier time believing in angels than they do Jesus.  Some people revere angels a little too much, but I acquired an appreciation for them this evening.

They do the bidding of God with no questions asked.

I mean, the respect is not really mine to gain, but I did gain it for angels tonight.  I think I am just way to pessimistic about spiritual things.  I'm learning that more and more about myself.  Angels are not something that I typically think a lot about, but they are a good example for me to follow.  They are humble, but they know their place.  They are strong, yet they are willing to serve humanity (in all their stupidity).  They are focused, and yet so many different things go on in their lives all the time.  It's so bizarre for me to think about!

Angels are something that God created before he created humans, and because God cares about said humans, angels do too.

   “He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully;
   they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot
   against a stone."
                    Psalm 91: 11 & 12  (also quoted in Luke 4:10 & 11)


This may sound a little ironic coming from the chick that broke both legs, but it's SO true!!  I can't tell you how many times I have seen God's careful protection in my life.  I can't tell you how many times I have seen his provision and his grace.  How many times I have been able to count on him when I could count on no other.  God is so attentive.  To every little detail.  To details smaller than humans will ever see, or be able to even conceive.  I just think that is so amazing.

I think that the greatest way that the angels are an example to humans is that they are in awe of God.  This is why they are obedient & faithful to him, and to him alone.  They see his wonder, and they see how good he is.  

In both Isaiah 6:3 & Revelation 4:8 (Revelation is quoting Isaiah) it says,
"Day and night they never stop saying:
  ‘Holy, holy, holy
   is the Lord God Almighty,’
   who was, and is, and is to come."

That.  Is all I need to focus on.  Can you imagine the sound?  Of millions of wonderful voices gathered around the throne.  Holy, holy, holy are you, Lord God.  I stand in awe of your wondrous love, and I thank you that I can bask in the warmth of your presence.  I can't wait to stand before your throne; help me to focus on you alone.

Shaving.

So apparently the last few days have been all about progress.  It started with standing (even if only briefly), then continued on with exercising and stretching of muscles, and now...?

I shaved my legs. 

I know, I know, you thought this day would never come (ahem, family).  Well, it has.

When each family member separately mentioned how hairy my legs were last week, I just sort of chuckled because I just took it as teasing, but when my grandma was grossed out, I knew it was time to forge ahead.  Can I just say how much I have enjoyed not having to shave my legs for three months?  I was kind of sad to have to finally have to give in to cultural and societal expectations, friends.  Some call it hygiene; I call it forced expectations on women.

I went through a phase a few years ago where I wouldn't shave for weeks, in quiet rebellion...well, actually it was kind of loud.  But I refused to put the blade to my leg because I felt pressure to do it.  I mean, who invented shaving in the first place?!  It's pretty ridiculous when you think about it, "Durrr...I'm gonna take a sharp razor blade and SCRAPE my lower extremities so that the hair gets CHOPPED off, and my legs look smooooooth.  Here, feel it."  Give me a break.

And I'm not being dramatic here, people.  This is serious!  I'm not kidding!  And!  My legs were FREEZING tonight!  Ice cold!  No joke.  The hair kept them insulated, and I just hacked it all off.

But, alas, my perspective on shaving changed today.  Rather than viewing it as a stupid, time-wasting routine & an unfair expectation that is placed on women in today's society, I saw it as rebirth.  As my dad's hair buzzer cut through each one of those suckers, I was actually glad to say goodbye.  My skin started peeking through, and I saw freckles that I haven't seen in months!  It was rather exciting.  I'll post pictures soon, so you can see my beastly legs. 

I have no idea how to tie this in with a passage.  No clue whatsoever.  There is this holy fear inside of me that doesn't dare tie "shaving rebirth" to the rebirth that Jesus talks about in John 3, but part of me really thinks it could work.  I mean, it's not the same thing, and you know that, so I'm gonna go for it.  Jesus is sitting (or standing) (I always imagined it on a rooftop), talking to a teacher-of-the-law-Pharisee, named Nicodemus.  Nick, we'll call him, acknowledges that Jesus is from God in the very beginning of the conversation, and they talk back and forth about rebirth.  I love it that the Bible allows you to eavesdrop.

In verse four, my buddy Nick says, "How can anyone be born who has already been born and grown up? You can't re-enter your mother's womb and be born again. What are you saying with this 'born-from-above' talk?"

Jesus said, "You're not listening. Let me say it again. Unless a person submits to this original creation—the 'wind-hovering-over-the-water' creation, the invisible moving the visible, a baptism into a new life—it's not possible to enter God's kingdom. When you look at a baby, it's just that: a body you can look at and touch. But the person who takes shape within is formed by something you can't see and touch—the Spirit—and becomes a living spirit."

 (Hey!  That's what I talked about yesterday!  I didn't plan this, guys.  I'm not that organized...in case you were wondering...)

 Jesus goes on..."So don't be so surprised when I tell you that you have to be 'born from above'—out of this world, so to speak. You know well enough how the wind blows this way and that. You hear it rustling through the trees, but you have no idea where it comes from or where it's headed next. That's the way it is with everyone 'born from above' by the wind of God, the Spirit of God."

I would like to encourage you to take five to seven minutes and go to the following link to read the whole conversation:  http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john%203&version=MSG

Just highlight, copy, and paste into that magical little white rectangle. 

Rebirth is something that we submit to, and it is found only in Jesus.  When we see the invisible moving the visible, trusting that the wind is wind even though we can't see it - trusting Jesus even though we can't see him or touch him.  That's when we are reborn, our lives are made new.  I pray that God would increase the amount of trust that you have in him, whether it's absolutely nothing, or whether you would be willing to hop in a wheelbarrow and tight-rope across the Grand Canyon.

It's 2:30 am, and I've spent the last two hours watching Regis & Kelly bloopers.  I looked at my clock and I was like, "Oh wow, it's 12:30 already?  Whoa."  Then I did a double take.  "TWO THIRTY!?"  Yikes.  Time for bed, Fred.

Sleep well, dear ones!

Body.

I strongly dislike video recordings, and I strongly dislike the sound of my own voice, but I'm biting the bullet so you can get in on the action.  The sacrifices I make. 

: )

I spent a good chunk of the morning relaxing & exercising, and then I spent the afternoon reading.  Normally I watch the news as well, but all they were talking about this afternoon was Cutler, the football game yesterday, and how Oprah found her long-lost half sister.  No news for the rest of week - all this football talk makes me want to hide out in a mall somewhere.  Judge Judy will have to suffice. 

One of the things I got to thinking about today as I was watching my feet bounce back and forth while I was doing my exercises was how the body functions.  It's such an amazing machine, isn't it?  I mean, think about it.  My leg bones were broken, and right away my body sent blood to clot the fracture, which gave way to fibroblasts to producing collagen, which led to chondroblasts,  Then, my body used the chondroblasts to create a hard shell called a bone callus.  After the bone callus is finished forming, osteoclasts and osteoblasts are going to spend months remodeling the bone by replacing the bone callus with harder compact bone.  Isn't that AMAZING?!? 

(Info taken from:

http://health.howstuffworks.com/human-body/systems/musculoskeletal/heal-broken-bones1.htm

Go there if you want to read exactly how bones heal.  It's cool stuff.)

The human body is one amazing thing.  James (the guy I talked about yesterday) talks about how the human body is dead without the spirit.  (I'm kind of freaked out by spiritual things, I'm not gonna lie.  The word "spirit" has taken some getting used to in the last several years as a Christian because it makes me wriggle.  I think that most people would say that every human being has some sort of "soul" or "spirit", something that connects us to a higher being, and to one another.  Right?    

It seemed to be a little out there for me, but once I actually started to experience the change in my life because I was doing things like praying, and trying to still my heart so that I could hear the voice of this Christ through things like reading the Bible and trying to remember what it said, I started to realize that there was so much more to me than just me.  So much more to my life than just living it for myself.  The Bible talks about how we become one with Christ when we commit our lives to him - he infiltrates every nook and cranny.  Our heart, our mind, our soul.  I started to learn about what it meant to worship him "in spirit and in truth".)

James says, "As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead." (2:26)

I think about how my body would be dead without my spirit - devoid of life, cold, and hard.  This verse isn't saying that in order to please God, or in order to get to heaven you have to do good deeds.  I think what it's saying is that you have to put your actions where your mouth is.  To say that I will live my life for Jesus is one thing, but to actually do it is another.  I always try to ask myself, whenever I feel stale & cold, "What am I doing to put my money where my mouth is?  What am I doing to truly embody the kind of life Jesus lived, and to actually do the things he told me to do in his stories & in his conversations?"  Because to embody the life of Jesus means to completely let go of self, to surrender all for his sake. 

It is an ongoing process that takes time - a lifetime actually.  

Kind of like the mending of bones.  Except that even though it feels like it's going to take a lifetime for my bones to mend, it will hopefully only take another handful of months.  So I guess it's not exactly the same, but it's a process.  Sort of like becoming like Jesus.  : )

Do.

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." -James 1:19 & 20

This verse today in my life?  Epic, epic fail.

I just deleted a really petty list of reasons why I was so cranky today.  I have no excuses.  My new goal this week: to be incredibly quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.  Slow to become irritated, and more apt to be less focused on myself.

James goes on to say: "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do." (22-25)

Another pitfall in my life?  Doing what I know I need to do.  Seriously, I can't remember what my face looks like when I try to picture it in my head.  I am this person that James is talking about.  What would help is to look more intently into the eyes of Jesus, and listen to him more as I'm reading his word. 

I'm so thankful for worship, and the way that as I bring my crud before the Father, I can lay it all down at his feet.  That he comes and takes all of my stuff, and makes me clean.  And it's just amazing how he knows what I need to hear.  I've been singing this song all week, and we sang it at church this morning.  It's by a guy named Charlie Hall...

Oh Christ, be the center of our lives.
Be the place we fix our eyes,
Be the center of our lives.

You're the center of the universe,
everything was made in You, Jesus
Breath of every living thing, everyone was made for You

You hold everything together, You hold everything together...

Oh Christ, be the center of our lives!
Be the place we fix our eyes,
Be the center of our lives.

We lift our eyes to heaven,
And we wrap our lives around Your life
We lift our eyes to heaven, to You."

I distinctly remember singing this in the hospital the night after my surgery, and it is still my continued prayer for this very week.  Nearly three months in, and I'm still praying it.

Christ, please be the center of our lives.  Please be the place we fix our eyes; be the center of our lives.  And not just by our words, but by the way that we live our lives.

Blanket.

It is freezing cold.  My toes have been in cozy socks, and they are still frozen.  Along with my nose.  My toes and my nose.  I know how to rhyme!  But seriously, they are the only things that get cold on my body, and I can't get them warm.

So I grabbed an extra blanket for tonight.  It was given to me by my grandma quite a few years ago.  It's sort of a throw, I guess you might say.  It is cream and forest green with sheep sewn around the edges, and a Psalm stitched into the center.  Psalm 23 to be exact.

Huddled underneath my warm layers this evening, I started to peruse Netflix.  I found myself watching "David" (with Richard Gere) tonight, mostly out of curiosity.  It may sound like a ridiculous movie, but it wasn't that bad.  Richard Gere is one of my top-ten favorite male actors (as I'm sure he is for many), but I was interested in the fact that he starred in such a movie because he is a practicing Buddhist.  I think he was in "David" before he stepped into Buddhism.  Or he is just a really good actor.

Anyway, the movie's beginning includes David's encounter with Goliath, the gigantic Philistine man.  He starts to say Psalm 23 out loud, and it occurred to me that I was laying underneath exactly what this man was saying.  It was weird because the very words that came across David's lips thousands of years ago are stitched into my blanket.  Isn't that so bizarre?

Here it is, Psalm 23:

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
   for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
   through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
   for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
   forever.

(Emphasis is mine)

I have so much more to understand about this chapter in the Psalms.  David wrote this one; he was a shepherd himself.  I've always wanted to try shepherding, ever since I saw a family do it on National Geographic.  It's no easy task mind you, and, out of frustration, I would probably abandon my sheep.  Seriously.  They're stupid, and they smell.  But the thing I admire about shepherds is their ability to have compassion on their flock, and to take care of them in spite of themselves.

I have only been a Christ-follower for about ten years.  At so many points I have looked up at my Shepherd after traipsing off, and getting lost, and I have thought, "Is now the point at which you are going to abandon me?  Is it now that I no longer will receive your love?  Will I never see your rod and staff again?  Because I feel stupid, rank with disobedience & selfishness." 

Time and time again Jesus has shown his faithfulness to me.  Sometimes people will refer to him as the "Good Shepherd".  It's not just the title of a ridiculous movie with a white, pasty, blond-haired Jesus; it's the truth.  This was one of the first Psalms that I ever heard, and I still have yet to comprehend parts of it.  Part of me is afraid of this Psalm.  And yet, part of me revels in the fact that the Creator of the Universe treasures me as one of many sheep in his flock.  It feels so wonderful to be blanketed, literally, in these words.  To know that as I fall asleep tonight, Jesus sings this song over me: as my Lover, my King, my Friend, and my Savior.  My Shepherd.

To be blanketed in his words is to live a full, content life.  Warmed by his love.

Joy.

There is nothing like reaching a goal.  I'm not talking about the kind of goal that will be made at a certain football game coming up between two teams that shall remain nameless.

I am laughing at myself as I type because I keep thinking about how simplistic my goals have been in recent weeks.  I can't help but reach them.  Especially when I have a claw grabber.

First leg: "Wiggle toes", "Wipe own butt", "Stay awake all day" , "Sleep on side".  Lofty.

Then, I moved on to things like: "Stay in wheelchair all day", "Wheel in wheelchair without hitting cabinets and walls", "Finish puzzle", "Reach phone in living room", "Sleep on sides" , "Get juice out of fridge without dropping it".  Crazy, I know.

Then I started to really shoot for the moon: "Make own meals" , "Stand on foot", "Climb stairs", "Feed dogs" , "Brush teeth at sink", "Shave regularly".  Who KNOWS what's next?!?

My goals have been so small, but with each wave of new ideas and abilities, I am ready to move on to my next set of goals.  It's a confidence booster.  I can't help but eventually accomplish something like, "Wipe own butt".  And then, once I do, I feel like I'm making progress.  (Although I must say, I may have backslid in my "Don't fall out of wheelchair again" goal.)

I think about how easy it could be one day, when I am standing and walking again, to say, "I did it!" or to spout off some nonsense about how you should "persevere under trial" because I've been there, done that.  Psshhh.  No.  No no no.  I'm trying so hard to be careful about how I talk about what is going on in my life.  To not speak in such a way that I sound like I have everything figured out.  I so don't.  I mean, if I had to stare down the barrel of another trial, I'd be shakin' in my boots.  No joke.  I'm wearing boots right now.  I stumbled across this verse tonight:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  James 1: 2&3 

I'm sure some people have heard this verse a million bajillion times.  Or maybe you haven't heard it at all.  What I can tell you is that it is not as easy as 1 2 3 (ha ha, get it?)  Some thing popped out at me this evening: I'm not just to consider trials a joy, but pure joy.

pure joy.

Dictionary.com doesn't do the word "joy" justice, in my opinion, so I'm not even going to post it.  It ties the word to "feeling", like the feeling that you may feel this weekend while watching the football game mentioned above.  Not joy.  I was completely elated today when I found out that one of my friends is expecting a baby.  Sheer excitement, even tears.  But, I think that joy is more of a posture or a way of being.  Something that we have to stop and consider amidst really dark and trying times.

Because when we do face trials in life, we are to consider it pure joy; they bring perseverance. Perseverance is one of those qualities that we all want, but really don't like working towards.  It hurts, doesn't it?  It costs a lot.  It's taxing, and exhausting.  And doesn't the timing always seem off?  Those pesky trials don't always leave when we bring in the Welcome mat, when we try to turn them away.  But it is by God's own grace that we can find ourselves blanketed in the faith that He Himself gives us.

It is this faith that I have begged and begged for.  And it is this faith that I stumble upon daily.  Choosing joy comes more and more naturally because I find myself fixated on the fact that God is so good to me; he is with me the whole way.

Foothold.

 Today was my first official day as a chick who is allowed to STAND!  Whoot whoot!  And it was so bright too! What a gloriously sunny day it was.

I think that the progression was kind of funny because my physical therapist looked at me, and was like, "Are you nervous?"  Yup.  The worst part was when I had to tell her I was 5'9'' and a half.  "Oh wow. You're really tall."  Click click click to the top of the bar...

Anyway.  I'm past my tall insecurities. I've resigned myself to the fact that, if I ever do get married, my husband will probably be shorter than me.  Breakin' and bendin' rules.  It's what I do.  Except not really.  I'm kind of a chicken at heart.  It took me a long time to even be able to wear high heels.  Like, little stubby ones.

Anyway.  Again.  My knee was what was super-wobbly today, not my feet.  It caught me by surprise.  I've been doing the exercises that my occupational & physical therapists in the hospital told me to do, but my muscles are all still super-sleepy.  I say, "TIME TO WAKE UP!!!"

Man, I'm so excited to stand again, and walk with crutches.  I took a three-inch step today, and I think that it is progress.  A slow progression is ahead of me, but it's coming along.  I crawled up the stairs tonight into my sister's room, and we laid on the floor for a little while.  I love birds so much, and she has to memorize all these different birds for Science Olympiad, so I got to read some of her super-cool books.  It's things like that that I find myself missing.  My parents do an amazing job keeping me included in what they do...I am not missing out on much.  I just miss the little things; I look forward to the little things.

In the Old Testament, there was a teacher of the law named Ezra.  Teachers of the law were held to such high standards according to the Law of Moses, and the Lord was with Ezra because of his obedience (and God's grace).  You can see more of this story in chapters 6 & 7.  Ezra devoted himself to not only studying God's Word, but observing it, practicing it, and teaching it.  In the 9th chapter (v. 8) of the book (which I need to study more), Ezra says this:

“But now, for a brief moment, the Lord our God has been gracious in leaving us a remnant and giving us a firm place in his sanctuary, and so our God gives light to our eyes and a little relief in our bondage."

So much light has been given to my eyes, can I just say?  And to be in God's sanctuary!?  What a glorious place to be!  It's my favorite place in the world. 

In the footnotes, another word for "place" is "foothold".   When you rock climb, one of the things that you want to do is look at where you are going to place your hands and feet.  When you are actually climbing, the places where you put your hands and feet are called handholds and footholds.  It's what enables you to scale the wall.

How appropriate that we are given a firm foothold in the Lord's sanctuary.

Thank you, Abba for your light!  For your grace!  And for the way that you so wonderfully provide strong places for us to stand, grow, rest; be.  Your remnants are far better than anything this world can ever offer.