Up.

Guess what?  

I'm still awake.  I have no clue what has gotten into me, but I am feeling particularly feisty right now.  Something happens to me after 11:35pm.  I feel like I can talk forever.  I think it will just be so great to never have to go to sleep.  I'm really looking forward to heaven.  And talking there.  And speaking in every single language by speaking in one.  Laughter is what I call it now, but there it will be perpetual and never-ending and I can make up words and talk with run-on sentences, and my conversation with Jesus will never end.  I hope I can make him laugh.

I had a doctor's appointment today with Supermarks.  My doctor cracks me up.  He wears the cheesiest, coolest ties in the world, and he totally pulls them off.  I remember every one of them.  Today it was bright pink plaid with a hint of clownishness to it.  He has a firm handshake, and I feel like he's telling me the truth, even when I know he's withholding information behind smiling eyes.  For instance, this morning his assistant told me that I had arthritis developing in my left foot (which, frustratingly, surprised nobody but me.  I don't want pity, but I felt like, "Why did everyone but me know this was going to happen this soon?").  He didn't say anything about it at all until I mentioned it, so it must not be a big deal.  Someone asked me today, "So, what can you do about it?"  I was like, "Not eat red meat."

That's where I'm at.  I am no longer to eat red meat, and I am to consume Calcium and Vitamin C like a ravenous herbivore.  Just call me Brontosaurus.  I found Kale at Woodman's tonight for $.79 cents.  Cha-ching!  Let's you and me use it to star in Arthassic Park.  Our Kale can be a long-extinct species of plant that we find while foraging next to Alan & Ellie.  Then we can morph into Power Rangers and steal their Jeep.  Singing the Darkwing Duck theme song.
 
Speaking of Darkwing Duck, I joined a gym.  *sigh*  Selfishly and oh-so-pridefully, I hate admitting it.  All my life I have felt like working out is for losers.  (Sorry.)  I've always been just a little bit fat, and I've mostly always been okay with it.  My friend says being pudgy makes you approachable.  Secretly, this notion is what I have used to justify my flab for the last several years, but I have realized the error of my ways.  Being a little bit fat makes it a lot of bit hard to walk on an arthritic foot.  I have submitted to the fact that my body now stores 20 extra pounds post-beddom.  The saddest part is that everyone's first reply is, "Really?  You can't even tell!"  *insert gym membership joining here*  Yes, I've said it, my weight has gone up by 20 stupid numbers, and I look the same as I did October 30th.

So.  Moving on.  There is this magical machine called an, "eliptical" (not to be confused with "ellipse" or "moon shape" or "geometry"), and it has worked it's magicalness on my foot.  I'm finding that it is quite satisfying to do something that accelerates my heart rate, and to be able to do it quickly.  My foot is noticeably looser.  Imagine that!  Superwoman was right!  Poor woman.  She would be so disappointed that I wasn't doing my band exercises either.  I got in trouble for that today.  : /  I am also finding out as a gym member how self-absorbed and conscious I can be.  I walk into the gym and my first thought is, "Everybody is looking at me."  Which is stupid.  And untrue.  And extremely narcissistic.  Except for maybe when I look up and see someone gawking at the sexy red line down my right leg.  And the sexy sweat building up on my back after .35 miles.  I just mouth, "Shark attack", and they look away with wide eyes as they mouth, "Shark attack" to their running buddy.  Apparently, sharks these days have very straight teeth.  Little do they know that I was really kicked by a vicious kangaroo.  They have really sharp claw talons.

As I was sitting on my doctor bench today crinkling the toilet paper tissue paper printer paper mixture beneath my butt, telling part of my story (kangaroo included) to a doctor (in residency), I almost lost it.  The recent story of the man dying at the Ranger's game, (after falling 20 feet) kept floating around in my brain.  I can't imagine what his family is going through; he was trying to catch a baseball for his young son.  That was with him at the game.  I tried to explain to this doctor that I can't take any credit for the way that my legs and feet have healed.  I kept thinking: "I'm never going to see this man again, and I don't want to verbally vomit on him.  Should I try to explain to him that Jesus is the one that deserves it?"  The story of the girl my age falling down two stories and dying (the same weekend I fell) then snuck in.  He looked and looked and looked at my initial x-rays until he found a side view of my talus bone that I never seen before.  My initial reaction was: Yuck.  Then: Whoa.  It looks like a firework.  Then: Ouch.  Then:  Whoa.  Then, he looked at the fuzzy arthritis picture.  Me: It will be okay.  All I could do was look up to keep the tears from streaming down my face.  

This morning, as I waited in line to see my doctor, I looked out the 5th floor window of the hospital.  Over the entire stretch of the city, all the way to the Brewer's Stadium, there was a beautifully large storm...well...brewing.  Twenty feet of light seemed to peek through the clouds, right on the horizon, blazing through in all of its orange and red and purple glory like an artist had streaked a canvas with one brush stroke.  It seems a little silly to read so much into it, but it was overwhelmingly powerful to me.  I am blessed to be able to walk from the hospital to the parking garage, enjoying the rain drops on the way out.  I am truly thankful to be alive, even when so many storms brew over my head.  I am a reflection of the image of my Creator, and I am reminded of my need to stop.  To laugh.  To cry.  To take care of myself.  To reflect.  To praise Him for what he has done, what he is doing, and what he is yet to do.  To remember to look up.  

There's absolutely no way I can summarize this passage, or explain the truth it speaks to my heart.  I hope it's an encouragement to you, wherever you are at on your journey, friend. 

Psalm 111

Praise the LORD!
I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart,
In the company of the upright and in the assembly.
Great are the works of the LORD;
They are studied by all who delight in them.
Splendid and majestic is His work,
And His righteousness endures forever.
 
He has made His wonders to be remembered;
The LORD is gracious and compassionate.

He has given food to those who fear Him;
He will remember His covenant forever.
He has made known to His people the power of His works,
In giving them the heritage of the nations.
The works of His hands are truth and justice;
All His precepts are sure.  
They are upheld forever and ever;
They are performed in truth and uprightness. 
He has sent redemption to His people;
He has ordained His covenant forever;
Holy and awesome is His name.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;
A good understanding have all those who do His commandments;
His praise endures forever.

Okay.

Soooo.  Long time no see.  Er...talk.  Type.

I have been on hiatus for what feels like forever, but in all actuality, it's only been a month since I have rambled in this space.  *insert sigh*  First of all, can I just say that God is so good to me?  God is so good to me.  He is, He is, He is.  And if you don't believe me, ask the dishes.  : )  I'm going to get you up to speed in a short run-down of the life of Catie Wollard, (remember: Meyers-Briggs "ENFeelingP"), in the last month:

Week One back in Milwaukee:  Separation anxiety from parents, entered honeymoon phase of living in Milwaukee again.  With the best housemates ever.  It's called bittersweet.  Bitter and sweet.  HJ is still my bestie.  Thank goodness.  Started taking a Trinity class at Elmbrook Church called, "The Art and Practice of Spiritual Leadership"... I ended up there by "accident", and I "LOVE" it because God has a "sense of humor".  And he is very gentle with my oh-so-sensitive heart.  No physical therapy due to a hiccup with what I like to call "The Cool Company."  Funnest (and yes, that's a word) bridal shower ever with one of the most beautiful brides-to-be.  I have the honor of being a maid this summer for her.  ; )  The best part is, I get to walk down the aisle.

Week Two:  Started subbing for the school district that I live in.  Super hard, and super great.  It felt so good to work again.  And see/teach/laugh with kids.  And make money.  In that order.  Which had kinda been a long time coming.  This was the week I finally started telling people I had moved back to MKE.  You know, cause I'm a jerk like that.

Week Three:  Subbed every day of the week, and still loved it.  Saw the students I did my student teaching with, and saw how they had all grown at least 6 inches.  Seriously.  By the way, I turn 25 in eight months. 

Week Four:  Started nannying for the COOLEST family in the entire world!  (After my own, of course.)  I get to swim, bike ride, and explore with three stinkin' awesome kiddos in Wisconsin.  Still plugging along in my class, and still having dinner with new people all the time.  I haven't yet seen everyone I want to see since being back, but I know it will come with time.

So, yeah.  It's been a month.  I have transferred a lot of my thoughts over to my personal journal, and feel that the Lord is leading me through a time of solitude.  It's a different kind of solitude than the solitude I had while I was laying in bed because, while the excitement of being back in the Dairyland hasn't yet worn off, I have definitely found that I have entered a period of mourning.

I am most definitely in mourning.  And that is, I think, to be expected.  I went through phases of mourning over the last (get this: EIGHT) months, right?  I mean, pooping in your bed is legit.  As is falling out of your wheelchair.  Twice.  When it hurts to touch your toes.  But I always had to draw my focus back to healing well.  And God was totally faithful in this, no?  SO faithful to me.  He gave me so much insight into the work that he was to do, and I am STILL blown away by the Holy Spirit's ministry to my heart in those hours.  Sometimes in the minutes.  Now, I've sort of hit this plateau.  God is still faithful, and the Holy Spirit is still at work, but I'm still limping.  Literally and metaphorically.  I can walk (Yippee!), but I'm still limping.   I still feel much pain, but I don't need morphine.  I'm not lonely, but I need to be alone.

The word I use almost every week in my class is "tension".  I live in a big fat space of tension.  My professor, Lee Hayward, calls it, "living between the already and the not yet."  He uses this phrase to illustrate the tension that Christ-followers often feel; Jesus has already covered the cost of our sin, redeemed us, and made us whole, but we are not yet with him.  Super-insightful, eh?  What an awesome privilege it has been to be in this class.  (This is also another reason I haven't been blogging...I have this fear that I might accidentally plagiarize while processing my thoughts...)

I have used this phrase as a parallel in my own life, in so many other areas.  Already walking, not yet unnoticeably so.  Already released from watchful eyes (of SO many people), not yet ready to be alone.  Already going, not yet arrived.  Already being equipped, not yet brave enough to step out into a huge, huge space.

This is so abstract, and so hard to explain, but this is a huge way that you can pray for me right now.  This is a new season.  A bittersweet season.  Amazing and mind-blowing and a privilege on so many levels that I can't even begin to describe it to you.  And, my work is cut out for me.  Permanence has started to reach my brain, and my Lord is leading me, even still, through the great, wide, awesome, frustrating, hot, humid wilderness.

The beautiful thing about this is that God is moving in my life, and he continues to show me that I don't need all of the answers.  I need him.

Psalm 131:

"My heart is not proud, LORD,
   my eyes are not haughty; 

I do not concern myself with great matters
   or things too wonderful for me.
But I have calmed and quieted myself,
   I am like a weaned child with its mother;
   like a weaned child I am content.

 Israel, put your hope in the LORD
   both now and forevermore."

Overdue.

I stopped by the W.A. Library to pay my library fines.  Don't ask me how I remembered the fact that I owed money to the library for six months, but I knew.  In the back of my head, I knew it was under five bucks, but part of me wondered if it was an obscene amount...like the 30 I had to pay for late movies.  Don't rent movies from the library if you ever forget anything.  Ever.

This week has been full of little things like that.  Paying library fines, hanging pictures up on my wall with little 3M strips, calling my old workplace, grocery shopping... Some people call it "settling in", but I don't like to use the word "settle" because I don't want it to seem like I'm just settling.  For this house, for Milwaukee, or just nestling down into a giant pile of sticks and straw.  Does that make sense?  I'm not settling.  Snuggling into my giant nest is what I've been doing for the last six months, and I'm quite ready to migrate across the Atlantic Ocean, if you know what I mean.  Technically speaking, I'm gearing up for the next three weeks/three months, and they're gonna be huge.  Maybe that's why my body has decided to pack on a few pounds...you know, for the figurative "winter flight", if you will.

My blog post is also way over-due, and I apologize to those of you who had asked me how my doctor's appointment went.  Here's how the visit went down:  I got there (by myself!) 12 minutes late because I forgot to account for the fact that I always always always get lost in this area.  And I forgot about the the fact that I now move at the pace of a turtle.  I knew that going into it, but for some reason I just forgot to live it out as I was planning my time allotment.  (Major mind adjustments have to made, my friends.  Major adjustments.  I'm a last-minute type of girl, and this pace might be the end of me.)

I got there and apologized to the secretary for being late (shouldn't have opened my mouth), and she was like, "Oh, well Dr. Marks is very picky about his patients being on time...how late are you?"

*sheepishy* "Well, about 15 minutes."

"Oh, that's okay, you should be fine."

Thank goodness.

I was able to hop right up onto the x-ray stairs (which was a big deal), and didn't have to have any re-takes (also a big deal).  Got into his office, and his assistant came in to chat.  Apparently, arthritis can kick in any day now, which I didn't realize.  My left foot is especially at risk, but my right one is too, which I also didn't realize.  So, that was iffy news, but I'm not that worried about it.  What will come will come, and I am going to try to live my life to the fullest in the meantime.

As a side note, I think it is really easy for me to fall into the thinking trap of only living my life until the arthritis comes.  Like I have to wait for it to get here.  But that's a lie.  I am SO thankful that I am able to be up and walking around, and I can't live in fear of future pain.  I think that is such a huge life lesson for me.  Don't live in fear of future pain.

The doc came in a little bit later, and had nothing but good things to say about how things are healing.  I no longer have to use the bone stim, and I am out of my boot!!  Whoot whoot!  My new walking contraption looks like this:

Pretty sweet, huh?  I think it's a little quasi-Forest Gump, but whatev.  It works.

Here's the best part of the entire day.  So, right before Superman walks out of the office, he turns and he says to me, "You know, Catie, your bones should not look this good."

I had nothing to say at first.  It wasn't me.  I was not the one that expertly knit my bones back together, or designed the human body for the capacity to send cells to repair broken things.  All I could say to him was thank you for doing such an amazing job on helping my body to heal to the best of its ability, and give God the credit for doing the healing work.

Man.  I took the elevator downstairs, and just started sobbing as I was walking out of the hospital.  I saw glimpses of what had happened in the same exact steps and spaces in the last six months:  I saw my dad walking beside me as I tried to figure out how to use crutches, and then I saw him farting around with them while we waited for our van, trying to make me feel better about feeling like an oaf.  Then I saw my feet up in the air on the wheelchair, my gigantic toes purple and swollen.  I remembered when I had to pee so bad, and they had to lift me onto the toilet.  I felt my mom pushing me out the door into the chilly air, and I saw them both lifting me up into our van.  I remember wondering what my life was going to be like after I was up and walking again.

And there I was.  Walking out of the hospital.  By myself.

As I was waiting for the nice valet men to bring my car around, a woman started talking to me about her injuries.  She had gone through chemotherapy several years back, and as a result, her bones were very fragile; as a result, she had broken several of them in strange, little accidents.  She was in a lot of pain, and she struggled just to stand.  She had two walking sticks with her, and really sweet old-people shades covering her eyes and streaky auburn hair.  As we were talking about what things that she had gone through, and things she was about to go through, she said something along the lines of, "That is what life is about.  Living it to the full."

I could not have agreed with her more.

Continue.

Night two in Milwaukee.  I wish I could concoct some sort of nighttime National Geographic scene like the amazing Steve Erwin, but my imagination is asleep.  My eyes will be momentarily.  My imagination was well-spent today though with a pretty energetic three-year-old named HJ.  I missed her cherub cheeks and crazy-bright blue eyes.

I am so thankful for another warm bed, gas in my tank, food in my fridge, and clothes in my closet.  God has provided so much for me, and I do not take it lightly.  I say this all the time, but I will not stop saying it; God has been good to me.  What I am most thankful for is a family that misses me, and one that is glad to have me back.  My house family always helps me carry all of my junk in without making me feel bad, and my genetic family carried it out without making me feel bad.  I am deeply, deeply blessed.

Tomorrow will be my first doctor's appointment in two months.  Yup.  I'm pretty nervous.  Hopefully, I'll get the go-ahead for shoe-wearing on my left foot, and I'll officially be in business.  The walking business, that is.

I have been thinking about this verse all week:

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
   therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
   Blessed are all who wait for him!"
- Isaiah 30:18

Lord, I thank you for your grace, your compassion, your justice, and your timing.  They are each perfect.  Thank you for teaching day by day, hour by hour.  Thank you for extending yourself to me, a Gentile.  Help us to continue to wait on you.  Amen.

Official.

Today is officially April 30th. 
Kate Middleton and Price William are officially married.
I watched.  And I have no shame.

So, because it is the last day in April, it has officially been six months since I broke my fibula, my tibia, and my talus.  Tonight is officially my last night as a resident of both my household and my state.  Illinois, you have been good to me.  Family, so have you.

I officially graduated from physical therapy.  It was my last appointment with Superwoman; I'm going to miss her and that office.  And the pool.

When Moses was freaking out about being sent back to Egypt to, well, basically take all of its free labor away from his sort-of brother:

"God got angry with Moses: "Don't you have a brother, Aaron the Levite? He's good with words, I know he is. He speaks very well. In fact, at this very moment he's on his way to meet you. When he sees you he's going to be glad. You'll speak to him and tell him what to say.

I'll be right there with you as you speak and with him as he speaks, teaching you step by step..."

I love that.  Step by step.  On top of teaching me step by step, I feel like God has actually stepped in for me over the last sixth months; none of what has been accomplished has been of my own ability, attitude, or desire.  It is his disposition that became mine.  He has been so good to me.  Titus 3:3 says,

"But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that.  It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it."

God is officially good.

Small.

I am writing obscenely late this evening because I came waltzing into my home around 11:30pm...the latest I've been out in about a year.  Which is freaky.  Anyway, I spent the evening in the home of, we'll call them, the Dan & Cole Berto.  My small group spent time together in their house, and I was so blessed by the fact that, at the end, they all stopped to pray for me.

Can I just say what a blessing it is to be a part of the God's community?  I mean, not to go into church-pushing mode, but if you aren't a part of some sort of small group of people that know you and that encourage you on your journey with God, know that I am praying for you.  One, that you. would want such a thing, and that two, you can find such a thing.  It is, unfortunately, very rare.  I feel so privileged to have rubbed shoulders with so many young adults that love Jesus, and that want to know him more.

Sometimes I think that expect God to show himself to me in some "big" way.  As a human, I get wrapped up in mysticism and emotion.  That's why I love reading some of my old entries, and recounting things that I have seen; God moves in the small, humble moments.  It is there that we learn the most, and it is there that we become more like him.  I want to encounter God in those small, day by day, often really unexpected & sometimes invisible moments. I desire a greater sensitivity to his voice & to his movement, but I long to be strong of heart and of mind.  I need vision, yet I need humility.  God, please make me small.

Have you ever heard the prayer, "Lord may you increase, and may I decrease"?

I love it. 

Tomorrow.

Is a new day.

Jesus, thank you.