It is pouring rain outside as I type this. It seems a tad surreal - this may quite possibly be the last rainstorm of 2011. From here on out, it is more than likely to be white fluffy stuff that mysteriously falls from the sky.
I was just microwaving my Sweet and Spicy tea (Good Earth - if you haven't tried it before, let me know and I'll personally deliver some to you. Oh. It's joy in a cup.) There are these little sayings that come on the back of every tag, similar to the bottom of a Snapple cap. (Who comes up with this stuff anyway? I would LOVE to be a random fact spewer for a living. Wouldn't that be awesome?!) The saying tonight was, "He who is drowned is not troubled by the rain." Apparently, someone wise from the Orient said this many years ago. "Orient" feels like a culturally insensitive word, so I'm not going to type it again.
At first I was like, "What the heck is that supposed to mean? If I die, I don't have to worry about anything ever again?" (I can't believe how much time I waste in my life trying to figure out stupid phrases that come in/on/with stupid things like tea.) The more I thought about it though, the more I think I understood what it's trying to say. When you go through a large ordeal in your life, (such as drowning, heaven forbid), when "smaller" things like rain come your way, they don't bother you as much.
I can see where this might be considered a wise saying, but I disagree. Sometimes it may be true, but I think that it is the littler things in our lives which trouble us the most. The day to day stresses (TRAFFIC), the seemingly menial things that trip us up oh so easily, the small glaces and snickers, the thoughts that we never seem to catch. And, if you look at it from a positive point of view, it is also the littlest things which bring us joy. A warm comforting touch, a smile from someone you don't know, a cup of tea on a deliciously stormy night. There are so many joys to be found in our day to day lives.
It was this thought that I kept bumping into this morning while I was at church. A song called "The Stand" was one that we sang this morning (if you've never heard it go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6suBrSFaiM), and I totally lost control of all emotions. It's the song I was most excited to sing once I could actually stand, and it was the song that I sung when I did. It was the song that we sung this morning, and it will be the one I sing all week.
Eventually I ended up in the bathroom, which you may think is a strange place to go during a church service (and a place I talk a lot about), but the bathroom is the place I go to to be alone with God in public places. If you think about it, it is the only place one can go, shut a door, and have complete privacy. So I'm sitting there after singing about actually STANDING before a God who gave everything, and how I surrender everything to him, and I'm just sobbing. I couldn't stop! It was so humiliating! But there I was, puffy-eyed, my bright splotchy face and brightened pimples in all their glory.
The first thing I thought about was how I forgot that I wasn't standing up six months ago. The second thing I thought about was how sad I am that I can't run anymore. Then I was frustrated with myself for crying about myself. Then I was weeping because I can't believe how faithful God has been to me throughout my life, and throughout the last year, and how I have been able to cling to him through so much.
To make my eyeballs worse, the sermon this morning was about how a gardener tends a grapevine. I feel like the last year has been a HUGE pruning process for me, and as such, I was overflowing with joy this morning. And pain. Chapter 15 of the book of John is a section of the Bible where Jesus is speaking about a farmer's pruning process. He starts off by simply saying that he is real.
"I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer. He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. And every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more. You are already pruned back by the message I have spoken."
I used to be really freaked out by this passage because 1) I tend to live in shame, and still suffer from paranoia from time to time, afraid that God will cut me out of his family. And, 2) I do not like the idea of a farmer stepping into his vineyard, crunching the limestone with each step as he comes my way to cut me off. His heavy boots squish the rocks down into the mushy soil as he eyes my vine up, and starts hacking away at it with a machete.
This is seriously what I used to think of when I read this passage. Mind you, nothing in Jesus' voice depicts this image, but this was the image I had of the "Farmer". Of God.
One of the things I have learned in the last year is how tender God is. (This is not to say that I had not seen the gentleness of God beforehand; it is a constant theme in my journey) I just can't get over how tender he is with me. With us. Jesus is not speaking these things because he wants us to dwell in a fearful place; he speaks these things because he longs to tenderly come and show us what life can really be like, as a joyful farmer awaits with hope that as he gently (and still painfully) cuts back parts of the vine, as though he knows of the juicy, plump fruit that will come in the next season.
"I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can't produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon. This is how my Father shows who he is—when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples."
I challenge you this evening - a real, honest, down to earth challenge. (And no, I'm not going to talk about the bonfire in this challenge - don't be scared. : )
In what ways do you fear God pruning parts of your life?
In what ways do you draw back as he tenderly reaches to prune back your deadwood?
How do you view the farmer as he reaches out to you?
Do you recognize his face?
Do you want to?
Jesus brings it all home in the end of the passage:
"I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love.
I've told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my command: Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends."
I'm so thankful that Jesus put his life on the line for me, and for you. That he loves us that much. That his joy can be our joy. As we step into this week together, may we cling to the promise of his hope for our lives - may he increase our understanding of who he is, who he wants us to be, and how he wants to shape us in becoming those people. And may we be flexible and giving like soft vines, excited by his touch, and clinging to him as the pain comes. And as it goes.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Party.
It's hammer time. MC Hammer, that is.
I was out for tea tonight (and now I'm WIRED at 10:44pm - I forgot tea has caffeine!) with an amazing lady from a really special season (mid-college) in my life. It was such an encouraging conversation. I find myself thanking God for a lot of friends in my life that have been such a blessing to me over the last year. I kept thinking the whole night about the verse along the lines of, "Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing." Oh how I forget the importance of community, sharing one anothers burdens, and praying for other people on a regular basis.
Thank you, Milwaukee, for Alterra on the Lake, and for the sanctuary that you provide. I pray that as you read this, you are surrounded by friends that encourage you and build you up - God is faithful in this area, and has taught me much about what it means (and how hard it is) to rely on other people. It's SO worth it! I never really had a "best friend" growing up. I had so many friends that were faithful to me though, even when I wasn't faithful to them. It is by the grace of God that I have any at this point in my life, as they show grace to me on pretty much a daily basis.
Anyway, lady suggested that I have a party on October 31st. It feels a smidge selfish because my parents' TWENTY SIXTH wedding anniversary is tomorrow... Food for thought... I kind of think it is a fabulous idea. It's is my one-year anniversary, and I think it may be time to celebrate some Unexpected Adventures in all of our lives.
Who's in? : )
I was out for tea tonight (and now I'm WIRED at 10:44pm - I forgot tea has caffeine!) with an amazing lady from a really special season (mid-college) in my life. It was such an encouraging conversation. I find myself thanking God for a lot of friends in my life that have been such a blessing to me over the last year. I kept thinking the whole night about the verse along the lines of, "Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing." Oh how I forget the importance of community, sharing one anothers burdens, and praying for other people on a regular basis.
Thank you, Milwaukee, for Alterra on the Lake, and for the sanctuary that you provide. I pray that as you read this, you are surrounded by friends that encourage you and build you up - God is faithful in this area, and has taught me much about what it means (and how hard it is) to rely on other people. It's SO worth it! I never really had a "best friend" growing up. I had so many friends that were faithful to me though, even when I wasn't faithful to them. It is by the grace of God that I have any at this point in my life, as they show grace to me on pretty much a daily basis.
Anyway, lady suggested that I have a party on October 31st. It feels a smidge selfish because my parents' TWENTY SIXTH wedding anniversary is tomorrow... Food for thought... I kind of think it is a fabulous idea. It's is my one-year anniversary, and I think it may be time to celebrate some Unexpected Adventures in all of our lives.
Who's in? : )
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Sun.
One of the many beautiful things about a storm is that once you have spent an entire day underneath a blanket of dark clouds, when the sun does peak out (which it always will), it is that much more beautiful.
I was on my way into class (where, not so coincidentally, we talked about "the faithfulness of God", ha ha) and they were on their way out. It was so cool to hear all of them step outside, and collectively say, "Oh man! Look at the sun, mom!", "Dad, dad, look! It's so beautiful!" Inside, it was exactly what I was thinking....I couldn't have expressed it better myself.
The five-year-old ballerinas agree with me.
I was on my way into class (where, not so coincidentally, we talked about "the faithfulness of God", ha ha) and they were on their way out. It was so cool to hear all of them step outside, and collectively say, "Oh man! Look at the sun, mom!", "Dad, dad, look! It's so beautiful!" Inside, it was exactly what I was thinking....I couldn't have expressed it better myself.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Caw.
Bike riding is one of my absolute most favorite things in the world. Bike riding when it's 70 degrees out, with a water bottle in my pack, three hours to spare, while all the trees are in all their glory is the absolute best thing in the world.
It was funny, on my ride I saw this mob of crows (the bird) flying overhead. My initials are C.A.W., which has always been super-annoying because I thought it was cool to have initials that spelled an actual word until that word was "caw". The most obnoxious noise ever.
Anyway. Crows. I'm not exaggerating when I say mob. There were a lot. Then a few more...then even more. They were flying with me, in the direction I was heading, until I came upon this entire flock of crows. I mean, like at least 60 or 70 of them, with dozens more flying in. Mafia style. Crows are really dramatic, in case you don't know. And Italian? They can apparently hear each others calls from miles and miles away - who knows how they determine who they're going to help, and who they're going to hurt, but when one starts freaking out, they all come flying in to help it. In fact, there's a whole array of calls that this dude has figured out: http://www.crowbusters.com/begtechn_dc.htm
(That link made me laugh a lot. I really want to give my Brewer's the "Rally" call, but I think it may be too late. They need a "Distress" one...)
Anyway, these stupid crows had me thinking about how God has designed us to be in community with one another. It's so random, but sometimes one of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for help. It's amazing to me that an obnoxious bird has it down better than I do. It's also amazing how many people are willing to help when you do ask. They come in from miles and miles. What is also amazing is how much joy I receive when I allow others to help me. And how much joy I receive when others ask me to help them, and I am able to. The littlest things make such a big difference in others lives.
Leave it to birds to remind me of something so simple.
It was funny, on my ride I saw this mob of crows (the bird) flying overhead. My initials are C.A.W., which has always been super-annoying because I thought it was cool to have initials that spelled an actual word until that word was "caw". The most obnoxious noise ever.
Anyway. Crows. I'm not exaggerating when I say mob. There were a lot. Then a few more...then even more. They were flying with me, in the direction I was heading, until I came upon this entire flock of crows. I mean, like at least 60 or 70 of them, with dozens more flying in. Mafia style. Crows are really dramatic, in case you don't know. And Italian? They can apparently hear each others calls from miles and miles away - who knows how they determine who they're going to help, and who they're going to hurt, but when one starts freaking out, they all come flying in to help it. In fact, there's a whole array of calls that this dude has figured out: http://www.crowbusters.com/begtechn_dc.htm
(That link made me laugh a lot. I really want to give my Brewer's the "Rally" call, but I think it may be too late. They need a "Distress" one...)
Anyway, these stupid crows had me thinking about how God has designed us to be in community with one another. It's so random, but sometimes one of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for help. It's amazing to me that an obnoxious bird has it down better than I do. It's also amazing how many people are willing to help when you do ask. They come in from miles and miles. What is also amazing is how much joy I receive when I allow others to help me. And how much joy I receive when others ask me to help them, and I am able to. The littlest things make such a big difference in others lives.
Leave it to birds to remind me of something so simple.
: )
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Take.
You know, I usually don't like the word "take" because, generally, it implies selfishness. Tonight I am being selfish; though difficult, I need to take it. I need to take heart.
Thank you, oh Lord, that we can worship you. Thank you that you cast no shadow. Thank you that you heal. Thank you that we have hope because of you. Thank you that you love us even when we fail. Thank you for being with us in the midst of all of our feelings, through joy and pain. Thank you for being patient with us when we lose courage, when we lose heart.
It's seven minutes long, but I would really encourage you to watch this video. It's sort of cheesy, and seven whole minutes long, but you can watch it while you make and eat breakfast, brush your teeth, during commercials, or while you fold laundry. For seven minutes. It's worth it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MfBQ30Ta9w Or, take three and read the lyrics.
There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails
So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again
In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails
Thank you, oh Lord, that we can worship you. Thank you that you cast no shadow. Thank you that you heal. Thank you that we have hope because of you. Thank you that you love us even when we fail. Thank you for being with us in the midst of all of our feelings, through joy and pain. Thank you for being patient with us when we lose courage, when we lose heart.
It's seven minutes long, but I would really encourage you to watch this video. It's sort of cheesy, and seven whole minutes long, but you can watch it while you make and eat breakfast, brush your teeth, during commercials, or while you fold laundry. For seven minutes. It's worth it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MfBQ30Ta9w Or, take three and read the lyrics.
Take Heart
by: Hillsong United
There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails
So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again
In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails
So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again
All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome
All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome
All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failures
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome
All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome
All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failures
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome
Jesus' skin wasn't white, but you get the idea.
You're the plant. ; )
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Old.
I didn't really realize how much of a complex I have about aging until about the last couple of weeks or so. My trusty friends pointed out that I have been talking a lot about age, and you know? They're right. I have been. I'm hung up on it because I am getting older. Haha, and so are they. I turn 25 in exactly four months to the day. February 9th. 1987. (Good year.) I had this goal for myself that I was going to write in this space everyday of October, leading up to that fateful day where I got to ride in an ambulance. Good follow-through, huh.
This week, I feel like the word "trust" has been on the forefront of my mind, and on the tip of my tongue. I have had a lot of opportunities to share what I've learned from my God over the last year. Ironically (or not so ironically), it's what we talked about in church this morning. Trust. And, I'm pretty sure our dear pastor dove into trust in the midst of suffering. (And this is not to say that I have any real comprehension of how to trust God in the midst of suffering, but it definitely hit a raw nerve.)
Jesus, right after Judas had betrayed him, but before he was ripped away like a criminal, from his disciples (the ones he loved), said this, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father's house there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you."
The part that is funny to me is that Jesus knows what's about to go down. Judas (someone who served alongside of Jesus, and someone Jesus loved and trusted) made the decision to betray. To betray what he knew was good and right. And Jesus is here, speaking peace not to himself, but to his disciples! "Do not let your hearts be troubled."
What I've found myself wondering is if I really trust the Lord with my age.
Mark Twain once said, and I'll never forget this, "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
Well, Mark Twain. Here's my question for you: what if it does matter? What if you are staring down at a major milestone in life, and all of sudden it matters. A lot. Hmmm? What if your age matters? What if YOU were going to be a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD? Yeah. Uh-huh, twenty-five. What now, Mark Twain? What now. Ugh.
I hate it that it is bothering me this much, that I really could be that vain and worrisome over something as silly as a number. Which, by the way, other people place emphasis on, not God. The pressure comes from myself, and what I allow to influence my way of thinking. Man! I'm feeling the pressure! Grrrrr!
People are born every day, and people die every day, and you know what? People break their legs every day. People ride in ambulances everyday. People go to physical therapy every day. People get casts taken of everyday. Just ask Rosa, the wonderful cast lady that I get to see tomorrow, who puts on like 28 casts PER DAY. Nothing that I have experienced in the last year is new. None of it.
In fact, people get life-long illnesses everyday, and find out that they have cancer everyday, and not only fall great distances but are paralyzed. Everyday! This happens. Some of those same people cry everyday, wishing that they could actually sleep well for one night, but their medicines give them nightmares and make them itchy, and make all their hair fall out, and they don't know if they're ever going to see their kids or parents again. Everyday.
Every single day.
Someone enters the world and starts breathing, and someone stops. At one point in my life I would have said that this was beautiful, a part of the "rhythm of life". No. It sucks.
Before you start shaking your head at me, or call me "intense", or think that I've been watching too much Lie To Me or Bones, or that I take life too seriously (I don't, I promise I laugh - I spent much of this weekend laughing & celebrating. And DANCING....) I will have you know that this is reality.
So, take a deep breath, and know that I'm not always this intense. Just right now. And...maybe when I DANCED. That was a little intense.
This is a reality that I am learning more about because guess what? I'm only 24. I am learning about realities of the world which I have refused to face for the last 24 years. Realities that I haven't been able to face because of the development of my brain, and the maturity of my heart. Realities that I just didn't want to see. Realities that come because they are built on top of other realities and are all tangled up in one realityweb.
God knows what we are able to bear. He knows how much we can handle. He has been so gentle with me, with my faint heart, and my ignorant and oh-so-sensitive soul. There is no other place that I know of where I can release these things, surrender all, and know deep down that they will be safe. He has lead me into the wilderness, but he has not abandoned me. If it were not so, he would have told me.
He has not abandoned you. He has not abandoned us. He has not abandoned the people that are currently receiving the news mentioned above. He has not abandoned the very people in the same exact room that I occupied at Froetdert, or in the trauma unit where I could hear people screaming in pain across my hall. He has not abandoned us.
I find myself so emotional this evening, partly because it's October, and there is this weird stigma attached to it these days. The smell in the air, and the colors that draw me into the presence of my Creator. It's not tainted, but there is this weird feeling. I'm nostalgic at heart, and I have thought a lot about what's happened in the last year. Part of my emotional vomiting is because my heart is so full, and I am so thankful for the experiences I've had. For the friends and families that have walked (and wheeled) alongside of me.
Above all else, I am thankful this evening for a God who has displayed (and is displaying, and will always display) his wonderful love and beauty to not only me, but to the world. The song of a different season is being sung, and I can't help but tap my toes, and sing along. The trees keep perfect time - they are on fire.
I have my last doctor's appointment tomorrow. It's been a year. And, I'm freaking out. I thought I would be able to just be cool about it. Calm, cool, and collective. But, in true Catie-style, I desire coolness and am left lacking. So.
This is where I am. This is where I am at this moment, in this day. Heck, tomorrow I'll probably be in a completely different place, but thank you for allowing me to share where I'm at.
I am going to end this blog this month. Not today, but soon. Who knows who's even reading it...(I'm pretty sure that my giant poop story was a topic of discussion at a wedding last night...), but thank you for allowing me to share some of my joys with you. Some of my burden, some of my discovery. Thank you for reading. And listening. Not only to me, but to Him. I hope his voice is louder than mine.
Or softer. Whichever speaks to you, wherever you are at.
This week, I feel like the word "trust" has been on the forefront of my mind, and on the tip of my tongue. I have had a lot of opportunities to share what I've learned from my God over the last year. Ironically (or not so ironically), it's what we talked about in church this morning. Trust. And, I'm pretty sure our dear pastor dove into trust in the midst of suffering. (And this is not to say that I have any real comprehension of how to trust God in the midst of suffering, but it definitely hit a raw nerve.)
Jesus, right after Judas had betrayed him, but before he was ripped away like a criminal, from his disciples (the ones he loved), said this, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father's house there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you."
The part that is funny to me is that Jesus knows what's about to go down. Judas (someone who served alongside of Jesus, and someone Jesus loved and trusted) made the decision to betray. To betray what he knew was good and right. And Jesus is here, speaking peace not to himself, but to his disciples! "Do not let your hearts be troubled."
What I've found myself wondering is if I really trust the Lord with my age.
Mark Twain once said, and I'll never forget this, "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
Well, Mark Twain. Here's my question for you: what if it does matter? What if you are staring down at a major milestone in life, and all of sudden it matters. A lot. Hmmm? What if your age matters? What if YOU were going to be a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD? Yeah. Uh-huh, twenty-five. What now, Mark Twain? What now. Ugh.
I hate it that it is bothering me this much, that I really could be that vain and worrisome over something as silly as a number. Which, by the way, other people place emphasis on, not God. The pressure comes from myself, and what I allow to influence my way of thinking. Man! I'm feeling the pressure! Grrrrr!
People are born every day, and people die every day, and you know what? People break their legs every day. People ride in ambulances everyday. People go to physical therapy every day. People get casts taken of everyday. Just ask Rosa, the wonderful cast lady that I get to see tomorrow, who puts on like 28 casts PER DAY. Nothing that I have experienced in the last year is new. None of it.
In fact, people get life-long illnesses everyday, and find out that they have cancer everyday, and not only fall great distances but are paralyzed. Everyday! This happens. Some of those same people cry everyday, wishing that they could actually sleep well for one night, but their medicines give them nightmares and make them itchy, and make all their hair fall out, and they don't know if they're ever going to see their kids or parents again. Everyday.
Every single day.
Someone enters the world and starts breathing, and someone stops. At one point in my life I would have said that this was beautiful, a part of the "rhythm of life". No. It sucks.
Before you start shaking your head at me, or call me "intense", or think that I've been watching too much Lie To Me or Bones, or that I take life too seriously (I don't, I promise I laugh - I spent much of this weekend laughing & celebrating. And DANCING....) I will have you know that this is reality.
So, take a deep breath, and know that I'm not always this intense. Just right now. And...maybe when I DANCED. That was a little intense.
This is a reality that I am learning more about because guess what? I'm only 24. I am learning about realities of the world which I have refused to face for the last 24 years. Realities that I haven't been able to face because of the development of my brain, and the maturity of my heart. Realities that I just didn't want to see. Realities that come because they are built on top of other realities and are all tangled up in one realityweb.
God knows what we are able to bear. He knows how much we can handle. He has been so gentle with me, with my faint heart, and my ignorant and oh-so-sensitive soul. There is no other place that I know of where I can release these things, surrender all, and know deep down that they will be safe. He has lead me into the wilderness, but he has not abandoned me. If it were not so, he would have told me.
He has not abandoned you. He has not abandoned us. He has not abandoned the people that are currently receiving the news mentioned above. He has not abandoned the very people in the same exact room that I occupied at Froetdert, or in the trauma unit where I could hear people screaming in pain across my hall. He has not abandoned us.
I find myself so emotional this evening, partly because it's October, and there is this weird stigma attached to it these days. The smell in the air, and the colors that draw me into the presence of my Creator. It's not tainted, but there is this weird feeling. I'm nostalgic at heart, and I have thought a lot about what's happened in the last year. Part of my emotional vomiting is because my heart is so full, and I am so thankful for the experiences I've had. For the friends and families that have walked (and wheeled) alongside of me.
Above all else, I am thankful this evening for a God who has displayed (and is displaying, and will always display) his wonderful love and beauty to not only me, but to the world. The song of a different season is being sung, and I can't help but tap my toes, and sing along. The trees keep perfect time - they are on fire.
I have my last doctor's appointment tomorrow. It's been a year. And, I'm freaking out. I thought I would be able to just be cool about it. Calm, cool, and collective. But, in true Catie-style, I desire coolness and am left lacking. So.
This is where I am. This is where I am at this moment, in this day. Heck, tomorrow I'll probably be in a completely different place, but thank you for allowing me to share where I'm at.
I am going to end this blog this month. Not today, but soon. Who knows who's even reading it...(I'm pretty sure that my giant poop story was a topic of discussion at a wedding last night...), but thank you for allowing me to share some of my joys with you. Some of my burden, some of my discovery. Thank you for reading. And listening. Not only to me, but to Him. I hope his voice is louder than mine.
Or softer. Whichever speaks to you, wherever you are at.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Pace.
It feels like old times to me this evening. Old times in the sense that it's 12:34 and I am wide awake. I accidentally fell asleep at 7:30p while putting HJ to bed. (In case you don't know, HJ is the 3-year-old that I have the privilege of living with.) I used to do that all the time when I first entered the recovery stage. It seems like such a long time ago.
I spent much of this afternoon thinking about my pace of life. Isn't your pace of life so important? I was reflecting upon the many, many ways that I have been encouraged by HJ and her parents in the last months. I don't know if I could have moved back to Milwaukee if it hadn't been for them. Their ability to give of their time and energy in such a self-sacrificial way has been an example to me. The transition back to this city has been difficult, but it has been good. So much has changed in the last three months. I mean, I really have only been back here for three months!
This is crazy to me. Like when you are watching a movie in 1.5 speed, slow enough to hear everything, but fast enough that you feel like you are saving a few precious minutes of your life. And then, you accidentally hit the wrong button, and the movie goes into slow motion. So, you try to compensate by fast forwarding again, and you miss the entire scene. Then you have to rewind it, and you're back where you started.
I feel like this is a picture of my life. I remember clinging to every door jamb and table to walk to my room when I first moved in. I remember spending countless nights sobbing in my bed, wondering if I would ever be able to do the things I was doing before I fell. Without having to think about it. I remember my first time leading worship at Redeemer Church and looking for a railing before I did. I remember the first time that I felt like I was walking normally. I remember when I first ran with the kids I get to take care of each day.
Today I didn't need the railing at church, and after having lunch with friends, I walked around the entire Milwaukee Zoo. It was there that I realized what I was doing. I was actually passing people as I walked. I love walking quickly, and it was so surreal today to step back and realize what I was actually doing.
A lot can happen in three months, apparently.
People often ask me if my legs still hurt, and I'm not really sure if I give them a good answer. I mean, sometimes my left foot hurts, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I push myself really hard, and I'm fine. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I don't push myself very hard at all, and my foot hurts. It's weird. I don't really feel like the weather changes anything, but maybe it does. Who knows. The gas station man down the street thinks I'm crazy because some days I'll pop in, and I practically run up to him to get my free Brewer's ticket stamp. Other times I limp in. He said to me yesterday, "I thought your foot was better!?" I showed him a flip flop and said, "Bad choice of shoes today." Then I left. He thinks I'm nuts, I tell you. I am, for wearing flip flops.
I do not pace myself very well. And then there are paces of life that I cannot control. Fall is quickly upon us. School starts for my sisters this week; they are Juniors in HS this year. The other sister is back in Texas. I start a new job a week from tomorrow. I look at my life, and I wonder how on earth I got here. It feels very surreal to be entering another season, especially when that season is fall. It's almost ten months since I fell.
I miss writing in this little blog everyday. I miss the pace of life that I had when I set aside time each day to spend communing with the Lord, reflecting on where I was in each moment. I find that where I thought I would continue, I have not. I haven't journaled in what feels like weeks. I confess that I have not spent enough time communing with the Lord on a regular basis.
I came across this passage tonight, from the tail end of Romans 8:
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?...Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No... For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
As you and I enter into this new day, this new season, may we commit our pace to this Christ Jesus. May everything that we say and do revolve around His love for us and for all people.
I spent much of this afternoon thinking about my pace of life. Isn't your pace of life so important? I was reflecting upon the many, many ways that I have been encouraged by HJ and her parents in the last months. I don't know if I could have moved back to Milwaukee if it hadn't been for them. Their ability to give of their time and energy in such a self-sacrificial way has been an example to me. The transition back to this city has been difficult, but it has been good. So much has changed in the last three months. I mean, I really have only been back here for three months!
This is crazy to me. Like when you are watching a movie in 1.5 speed, slow enough to hear everything, but fast enough that you feel like you are saving a few precious minutes of your life. And then, you accidentally hit the wrong button, and the movie goes into slow motion. So, you try to compensate by fast forwarding again, and you miss the entire scene. Then you have to rewind it, and you're back where you started.
I feel like this is a picture of my life. I remember clinging to every door jamb and table to walk to my room when I first moved in. I remember spending countless nights sobbing in my bed, wondering if I would ever be able to do the things I was doing before I fell. Without having to think about it. I remember my first time leading worship at Redeemer Church and looking for a railing before I did. I remember the first time that I felt like I was walking normally. I remember when I first ran with the kids I get to take care of each day.
Today I didn't need the railing at church, and after having lunch with friends, I walked around the entire Milwaukee Zoo. It was there that I realized what I was doing. I was actually passing people as I walked. I love walking quickly, and it was so surreal today to step back and realize what I was actually doing.
A lot can happen in three months, apparently.
People often ask me if my legs still hurt, and I'm not really sure if I give them a good answer. I mean, sometimes my left foot hurts, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I push myself really hard, and I'm fine. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I don't push myself very hard at all, and my foot hurts. It's weird. I don't really feel like the weather changes anything, but maybe it does. Who knows. The gas station man down the street thinks I'm crazy because some days I'll pop in, and I practically run up to him to get my free Brewer's ticket stamp. Other times I limp in. He said to me yesterday, "I thought your foot was better!?" I showed him a flip flop and said, "Bad choice of shoes today." Then I left. He thinks I'm nuts, I tell you. I am, for wearing flip flops.
I do not pace myself very well. And then there are paces of life that I cannot control. Fall is quickly upon us. School starts for my sisters this week; they are Juniors in HS this year. The other sister is back in Texas. I start a new job a week from tomorrow. I look at my life, and I wonder how on earth I got here. It feels very surreal to be entering another season, especially when that season is fall. It's almost ten months since I fell.
I miss writing in this little blog everyday. I miss the pace of life that I had when I set aside time each day to spend communing with the Lord, reflecting on where I was in each moment. I find that where I thought I would continue, I have not. I haven't journaled in what feels like weeks. I confess that I have not spent enough time communing with the Lord on a regular basis.
I came across this passage tonight, from the tail end of Romans 8:
"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?...Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No... For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
As you and I enter into this new day, this new season, may we commit our pace to this Christ Jesus. May everything that we say and do revolve around His love for us and for all people.
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