"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven." -- Johannes A. Gaertner
I read an article today in the Los Angeles Times that said that Google's Hot Trends (the search engine stalker for Google) was showing "Thanksgiving Quotes", etc. as an off-the-charts subject today. I'm one of the millions that had to look for a quote that embodied "Thanksgiving"...I call it research. Johannes is what I found...the internet is something for which I am thankful.
Today is technically the day that we call Thanksgiving, being that it's a little after midnight. Our house smells so good; the residual smell from the preparation for tomorrow lingering in the air. My mom does the majority of the cooking in our house, and we all kind of chip in as she needs help. It's funny because she realized that she was out of Cinnamon, Cloves, and Nutmeg at separate times, luckily retrieved in one trip though. I thought it was funny - she's cute. She has deep, southern roots & such a beautiful heart. It's so much fun just to watch her, and to watch her cook. I can remember doing it ever since I was little. I'm thankful for her, and the way that she serves our family with humility and grace. My prayer is that the rest of us in the familia can do the same; the focus being namely me.
I remember one Thanksgiving we received a meal basket from our church because my family was struggling while my dad was in seminary. It was so much fun to unload all of the groceries that were brought over to us by several people from Faith Church in Grayslake, IL; my first church. Some of the things that we got were so foreign to me; we always got to choose what we would eat in the past, but that year we ate what we were given. It seems so long ago, but it really wasn't. The years that we had very little were the years that I found myself relying the most on God. I can vividly remember watching him at work in my life & in the lives of my family members amidst the struggle and pain. I had only been a Christian for two or three years when my lifestyle was drastically changed before my eyes, and I found myself pondering this God who called me to look to him to provide - down to each morsel of food. I mean, I had never even seen generic food in our house before. To think - he could see me, and see my needs. It was weird. But there was this calm. God began to teach me humility in those years, and I'm so thankful.
To look in our kitchen tonight, and to, first of all, be alive to smell and see and appreciate is something I'm grateful for in and of itself. I like to think about thinking, and I'm thankful to be alive to think. I will never forget what has happened to me in the last few weeks, and I cannot stop thanking God that I landed on the ground the way I did: not on my back or my head, but right on my feet. I'm alive. To be able to sit around a couple of kitchen stools for a make-shift table playing a game of Clue with all three of my sisters, and to laugh at our dorky dogs, and to soak in the smells in our house...it's pretty indescribable. I mean, I'm thankful that we can afford lighting so we can see each other at 4pm. Seriously.
God, help me to remember to pray for those who can't right now.
This morning I was kind of frustrated with myself because I was really getting caught up in the romanticism of Thanksgiving. I easily forgot to stop and pray for those who don't have food for tomorrow, or ovens to cook it in, or houses to live in, or families to surround them and support them.
Father, forgive me.
I envision food and laughter and beautiful flowers and fall decorations and napping in the afternoon. These things are good things, blessings to me, but I think that the day of giving Thanks is so much more than those things; giving thanks doesn't just happen on a day. Or in a week. Or in a month. Like Johannes says, it's a lifestyle. Even then, I don't think he says enough in that quote...he makes it seem like we are to touch Heaven in our own strength. But, Paul (& Timothy?), the author of a book called Colossians says that it's more than that. Chapter 3, verse 12-17 says:
"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, [this being people who are following Jesus] clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
I love that imagery: clothing yourself with things like compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. What colors do you think those things would be? I love that love is above all of these virtues. Why do you think that is? I love that Paul sticks in one of my favorite verses, right in the middle of his admonishment to the church in Colossae:
"And be thankful."
It's so simple, right? I had to put this whole chunk of verses in because it's like a cookie - I couldn't just pull out the chocolate chips, man. But the simplicity of that verse is so sweet. "And be thankful." Who'da thunk?
The second paragraph appeals to me because I love love love singing to God with gratitude. I really don't like singing by myself, or singing in performances, but put me right at Jesus' feet and I can't stop. I just have so much to be thankful for!!! I can't WAIT until I get to wheel into church (hopefully this week) and "stand" alongside other people and just sing. And listen.
One of the things that I've gotten in a habit of doing in the last few years, (and especially this last year) is to write down a list of all of the things I can think of that I'm thankful for. And, there's stuff that's not even on my list because I don't even realize all of the things I should be thankful for. It's crazy ridiculous! It's amazing what sitting down for half an hour will bring to your mind though - it's a discipline that I try to maintain even when I'm frustrated or feeling sad as well. Sometimes my lists are specific, like when I'm with friends drinking soy hot chocolate at The Steaming Cup in Waukesha, WI, and the leaves are falling like confetti from the Gleditsia Triacanthos trees, and I'm sitting in the sun, soaking up it's rays. Sometimes they are more broad and encompassing, like the one below. Just depends on how the Lord leads. Writing it down though, making it tangible - it is an eye-opening and very humbling thing.
So, in an effort to continue to verbalize the many, many, many ways that God has proven himself faithful to me, I want to share my list. It's not to brag, and it's not to boast. It's not to compare lists with other lists. It's to declare God's wonder & bring him glory. Here are just a few, in order of importance.
I'm thankful that:
1) There is (I said was, but it's "is") this guy named Jesus who is showing me what love is every day. He loves me. Passionately. Fervently. Faithfully. And not just me, but us. You and I. The 6,790,062,216 people who inhabit the earth.
2) That He found me & I found him, and that the timing of my life has been under his orchestration. I'm alive.
3) That I live in a country where I'm free to talk about this man, and blog about him, and smile when I think about him. There is no fear of what might happen to me when I study Scripture or pray or do something like walk out of church.
4) That my family members closest to me have committed their lives to him as well, and want to be more like him each day.
5) That said family that is working to try to be like Jesus when we interact, and that when we fail, we have forgiven one another. It's been & will be a long process, but we are members of one body.
6) For friends that encourage me and build me up in who God is shaping me to be. They pray for me, and speak truth into my life. They wait around in hospital rooms with me. Friends that celebrate who I am becoming, and have loved me even when I wasn't becoming. Or really loud.
7) That I have clean drinking water. That comes out of a faucet. That comes to me in a cup. Sometimes with this stuff called "ice", and that (for now) there is no threat to our water supply, no war being waged over who gets what water. Yet.
8) That we have food in abundance, food I'm not allergic to, food that keeps us healthy, time to share it with one another, and the capacity to cook it and enjoy it.
9) That I am even able to communicate these things: via words & writing & reading, via English, via a computer. And that I have the ability to choose what languages to learn next.
10) That God continues to reveal to me what I need to be thankful for, and works in my heart when I don't understand or I forget exactly what I have. Right in front of me.
When I look over this list, I wonder if, 1) I should share it, 2) If I sound like I'm preaching, 3) If I sound boastful, and 4) How God could choose to bless me, of all people, with these things. I mean, these things are huge. They are so, so huge. Numbers 1, 2, 4, & 10 in that list are pretty permanent, but if all the others disappear, I still want to be living a lifestyle of gratitude. I was once someone whom you could have considered to be "lost." Like, without purpose or vision or gratitude or sustainable love/joy/peace/patience. Without an intimate connection to Jesus. There is this song... it's one I haven't heard in a while, but I thought of it when I looked at the title of our blog. The words go like this:
I'm forever grateful to you, I'm forever gratetful for the cross.
I'm forever gratetful to you, that you came to seek and save the lost.
Those two lines pretty much sum me up. And, I love it that I have the privilege of being forever grateful; the joy never has to end. I so look forward to the day where I get to stand and bask in the glory and warmth of God, and spend forever and ever with him. For that, I truly I am and will be eternally grateful.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sleep.
I just have one word for this evening: Percoset.
My right foot has been feeling a little off in the last couple of days, and tonight, it felt like it was on fire. Like dragon-breathed fire. After much whining and writhing I decided (with some intrvention from the ones who love me) that it was officially time to take drugs that aren't prescribed every day. I've realy worked hard at trying not to rely on the "as-needed" pain relievers because I'm petrified of becoming addicted to them. So I took my first as-needed pill tonight; they work. Really well. A little too well one might say.
Normally, I write in my blog every night because God is moving in my life throughout the day in various small, and yet oh-so-big ways, and I just have to write about it. And today he did. Oh, he SO did. I had quiet the adventure, and I can't wait to spill it all. And, normally, I only take Friday nights off of writing to spend time with friends and family, but tonight I'm making an exception - I can't write. Because, normally, I'm not incapacitated by narcotics. I'm too loopy right now. Everytime I look at something, a new song pops in my head & I can't hlep but sing it out. My family wants me to go to sleep because it's 11pm.
Story time!! Really fast. It's reminding me of the time I was in the hospital. The pian killers were making me really, really itchy. I woke up at 2 in the mornig with a very itchy backside, and I asked my mom to put lotion on me. She was sleeping at the time, and I'm pretty sure she thought I wasn't serious. She laughed. So then I asked the nurs, and she was like, "Sure!" (may the Lord bless you, nurse) As she was leaving, I stareted serenading her with, "Did I eveer tell you you're my herooooooooooooo?" I don't know any other words to that song, so I just kept singing that part and "You are the wind beneath my wingssssss"
That's kind of what's happening now. So, forgive any grammar or spelling whoopsies & pray that I don't start giggling in the near future. I love it and I hate it at the same time. Talk about surrender of control. *sigh*
Jesus, thank you that you take good care of me. Thanks that you never sleep, and that you watch over your people with care. Thanks for my doctors and nurses who served me with patience and gentle hands while I was in the Froedert. Thanks that you think my songs are good even when they're abou t my heros and my ice packs, and thanks that you watch over your chicks. (wait, is chicks the word to use for baby boy and girl chickens?) And chickos. I sure do love you.
Goodnight Jesus.
My right foot has been feeling a little off in the last couple of days, and tonight, it felt like it was on fire. Like dragon-breathed fire. After much whining and writhing I decided (with some intrvention from the ones who love me) that it was officially time to take drugs that aren't prescribed every day. I've realy worked hard at trying not to rely on the "as-needed" pain relievers because I'm petrified of becoming addicted to them. So I took my first as-needed pill tonight; they work. Really well. A little too well one might say.
Normally, I write in my blog every night because God is moving in my life throughout the day in various small, and yet oh-so-big ways, and I just have to write about it. And today he did. Oh, he SO did. I had quiet the adventure, and I can't wait to spill it all. And, normally, I only take Friday nights off of writing to spend time with friends and family, but tonight I'm making an exception - I can't write. Because, normally, I'm not incapacitated by narcotics. I'm too loopy right now. Everytime I look at something, a new song pops in my head & I can't hlep but sing it out. My family wants me to go to sleep because it's 11pm.
Story time!! Really fast. It's reminding me of the time I was in the hospital. The pian killers were making me really, really itchy. I woke up at 2 in the mornig with a very itchy backside, and I asked my mom to put lotion on me. She was sleeping at the time, and I'm pretty sure she thought I wasn't serious. She laughed. So then I asked the nurs, and she was like, "Sure!" (may the Lord bless you, nurse) As she was leaving, I stareted serenading her with, "Did I eveer tell you you're my herooooooooooooo?" I don't know any other words to that song, so I just kept singing that part and "You are the wind beneath my wingssssss"
That's kind of what's happening now. So, forgive any grammar or spelling whoopsies & pray that I don't start giggling in the near future. I love it and I hate it at the same time. Talk about surrender of control. *sigh*
Jesus, thank you that you take good care of me. Thanks that you never sleep, and that you watch over your people with care. Thanks for my doctors and nurses who served me with patience and gentle hands while I was in the Froedert. Thanks that you think my songs are good even when they're abou t my heros and my ice packs, and thanks that you watch over your chicks. (wait, is chicks the word to use for baby boy and girl chickens?) And chickos. I sure do love you.
Goodnight Jesus.
Trust.
There was a tornado that touched down this afternoon near Rockford, Illinois. My family lives an hour away from Rockford. So, I'm sitting in "my room" (which was formerly the dining room, in case you didn't know) and I hear the "Warning Noise" on the T.V. while I'm watching National Geographic's Great Migrations on my computer (which, can I just say, is fantastic. It's kind of graphic, but it totally redeemed Netflix for me. I missed it while I was in the hospital, and I was so sad.) You know the warning noise I'm talking about, the annoying bleeping that pops up in the middle of nowhere, at the most inconvenient time while you're watching T.V. I heard hard rain outside, and asked my sister, Nat, to go check it out. She was like, "Oh, there's just a tornado warning out for some counties", and then she listed them off. They sounded close to where I am currently laying.
So, I kind of started freaking out. My parents had just slipped out to go pick up the other twin, and do a little grocery shopping for Thursday. (Isn't it funny how these things happen right after the strong, able-bodied people leave? Nat can barely lift my left leg. I say this in love & admiration for the girl.) I started spazzing out, and was like, "What are we going to do if the tornado touches down here?" I'd never given it a thought. I have thought about fires, but there is a gigantic window right next to me that I could break open with the piece-o-junk-laptop I'm typing on & wiggle out, or wait for the firepeople to come save me. They would see me waving crazily from the highway.
A tornado is different - I'd have to make it to the basement. Natalie turned and looked at me very sternly, and said, "Catie, if a tornado comes, I'll drag you down to the basement by your legs." She was dead serious. I'm not kidding when I say I have the best family in the world. The fact that she acknowledged my presence last night at her concert meant a lot, and here she is figuring out a rescue plan. Can you just picture me doing the crab walk down a flight of stairs while a tornado is whirring around? It actually did touch down in Caledonia & McHenry (which is even closer to my house.) It caused a lot damage, so I have a lot to be thankful for & many people to pray for. Luckily, no one was killed, but there were quite a few people who were injured.
It's really hard to trust the people around you, isn't it? One of the hardest things for me to do is to physically let go of the door jam posts on the way to the ramp in the garage. Once I let go, my direction is no longer in my hands. Gravity, my wheelchair & my parents are officially in charge. The same goes for getting in the car. I have no control while I'm being hoisted into the air. Surrender is one of lifes greatest challenges, I think. It goes right along with humility and hope. Trusting others is something that I have often talked about in the last couple of weeks, but it's something that is really, really important. I trust that when people say they are praying for me, that they actually are. I trust that my parents don't have growing feelings of frustration that they aren't telling me about, or that they aren't going to give me the boot before I'm ready to leave the nesty nest. Again. I trust that my doctors know what they are doing, and that when they say, "things look good", that they are actually telling the truth. Trust permeates how we live our lives, and how we think about everything. And, we all have issues because those thoughts about all of those people sneak into my head, and I start to say things like, "I wonder if they really..." or "Do they really mean that?"
My other little sister texted me this morning, early in morning. She said, "Read Romans 15:13" and some other mushy stuff. (Can I just also say that God is a God of redemption because all of these things I'm saying about each of my family members are not things that I always would have been able to say. I have not always been close with my family, and I went through a very dark & selfish time. But God is so faithful, he has & is redeeming my family in ways I never would have imagined. Just as a side note. Thought I'd put that out there because I'm braggin' on the fam. so much. I take no credit for their awesomeness. I do not deserve any of it, but they give me grace anyway.) Here's the verse:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
God is a God of hope. And this God fills people with all joy and peace, not just some, but all. Only as we trust in him. And this is one of the biggest things I have been learning over the last year. From student teaching all the way to this very moment: trust. Here's the definition of the word from dictionary.com: "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence." Well, God has proven his integrity, strength, ability and surety to me over and over and over and over and over again. I'm not sure how well I rely on it consistently. And, the other things is that the last word is something of stumper for me. I'm going to tell you another secret, something you can't tell anyone else, okay? I. Lack. Confidence. I may have a lot of people fooled, and I can't believe I'm admitting it, but I don't feel confident in a lot of the things I do. Hence the trusty issues.
Then we get to the second part of the verse. (Sorry this is getting so long...I'll hurry it up...) Know what I think of? Waterfalls in Hawaii that I saw on "Atlas" yesterday on Netflix. (I love the Discovery Channel.) Huge, roaring waterfalls that flow in to crystalline bodies of pure, unadulterated water. The kind you can drink without a filter and not get weird parasites that eat your liver and your brain. That's what I think of when I think of overflowing with hope. And, not by my power, but by the Holy Spirit.
The Holy Spirit is something that freaks some people out...I know I used to be weirded out by it myself. I have been learning about what it is more and more over the last few years, and it has made me fall more in love with God. The Holy Spirit is what was at work when I hit the ground at 32 feet per second, but still had this amazing sense of peace that penetrated my bones. It was what was at work when the person I was climbing with that night & someone else we had just met bent down to pray with me in the middle of gym, and stuck by my side through the night & into my journey. It was what was at work when the orthopedic surgeon was magically able to operate the very next morning, and feel hopeful after he was done performing the surgeries that were supposed to keep me in the hospital for two weeks & not five days. It's what enabled me to have joy and peace in the midst of an immense amount of pain and suffering. It's what spurred the thought of a sister to send such a verse to someone like me who needed to hear it. It's what a lot of people would call "coincidence".
The Holy Spirit is a role model for perseverance, working hard, and giving grace. It's not some mysterious flame over a candle floating in the sky. It's not something that can be tamed by people - in fact, just the opposite. It's undefinable, in a way. Always on the move. The Bible talks about how it intercedes for us "with groans that words cannot express." But it's something that Jesus gave to his followers as a gift, a deposit as he was leaving for heaven. And, it's something that we are called to depend on as we learn more and more about it. I look at it as God's way of not abandoning us, leaving us like orphans in a dark & sometimes dismal world. (Do you know what dismal means? Dismal: causing gloom or dejection; gloomy; dreary; cheerless; melancholy) Passive.
So, through the power of the Holy Spirit, (not that weird of a thing, and yet, kind of at the same time) I pray this for you, just as Paul did to the church in Rome (a very dark and dismal place): May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Read it again.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Trust. In Him.
So, I kind of started freaking out. My parents had just slipped out to go pick up the other twin, and do a little grocery shopping for Thursday. (Isn't it funny how these things happen right after the strong, able-bodied people leave? Nat can barely lift my left leg. I say this in love & admiration for the girl.) I started spazzing out, and was like, "What are we going to do if the tornado touches down here?" I'd never given it a thought. I have thought about fires, but there is a gigantic window right next to me that I could break open with the piece-o-junk-laptop I'm typing on & wiggle out, or wait for the firepeople to come save me. They would see me waving crazily from the highway.
A tornado is different - I'd have to make it to the basement. Natalie turned and looked at me very sternly, and said, "Catie, if a tornado comes, I'll drag you down to the basement by your legs." She was dead serious. I'm not kidding when I say I have the best family in the world. The fact that she acknowledged my presence last night at her concert meant a lot, and here she is figuring out a rescue plan. Can you just picture me doing the crab walk down a flight of stairs while a tornado is whirring around? It actually did touch down in Caledonia & McHenry (which is even closer to my house.) It caused a lot damage, so I have a lot to be thankful for & many people to pray for. Luckily, no one was killed, but there were quite a few people who were injured.
It's really hard to trust the people around you, isn't it? One of the hardest things for me to do is to physically let go of the door jam posts on the way to the ramp in the garage. Once I let go, my direction is no longer in my hands. Gravity, my wheelchair & my parents are officially in charge. The same goes for getting in the car. I have no control while I'm being hoisted into the air. Surrender is one of lifes greatest challenges, I think. It goes right along with humility and hope. Trusting others is something that I have often talked about in the last couple of weeks, but it's something that is really, really important. I trust that when people say they are praying for me, that they actually are. I trust that my parents don't have growing feelings of frustration that they aren't telling me about, or that they aren't going to give me the boot before I'm ready to leave the nesty nest. Again. I trust that my doctors know what they are doing, and that when they say, "things look good", that they are actually telling the truth. Trust permeates how we live our lives, and how we think about everything. And, we all have issues because those thoughts about all of those people sneak into my head, and I start to say things like, "I wonder if they really..." or "Do they really mean that?"
My other little sister texted me this morning, early in morning. She said, "Read Romans 15:13" and some other mushy stuff. (Can I just also say that God is a God of redemption because all of these things I'm saying about each of my family members are not things that I always would have been able to say. I have not always been close with my family, and I went through a very dark & selfish time. But God is so faithful, he has & is redeeming my family in ways I never would have imagined. Just as a side note. Thought I'd put that out there because I'm braggin' on the fam. so much. I take no credit for their awesomeness. I do not deserve any of it, but they give me grace anyway.) Here's the verse:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
God is a God of hope. And this God fills people with all joy and peace, not just some, but all. Only as we trust in him. And this is one of the biggest things I have been learning over the last year. From student teaching all the way to this very moment: trust. Here's the definition of the word from dictionary.com: "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence." Well, God has proven his integrity, strength, ability and surety to me over and over and over and over and over again. I'm not sure how well I rely on it consistently. And, the other things is that the last word is something of stumper for me. I'm going to tell you another secret, something you can't tell anyone else, okay? I. Lack. Confidence. I may have a lot of people fooled, and I can't believe I'm admitting it, but I don't feel confident in a lot of the things I do. Hence the trusty issues.
Then we get to the second part of the verse. (Sorry this is getting so long...I'll hurry it up...) Know what I think of? Waterfalls in Hawaii that I saw on "Atlas" yesterday on Netflix. (I love the Discovery Channel.) Huge, roaring waterfalls that flow in to crystalline bodies of pure, unadulterated water. The kind you can drink without a filter and not get weird parasites that eat your liver and your brain. That's what I think of when I think of overflowing with hope. And, not by my power, but by the Holy Spirit.
The Holy Spirit is something that freaks some people out...I know I used to be weirded out by it myself. I have been learning about what it is more and more over the last few years, and it has made me fall more in love with God. The Holy Spirit is what was at work when I hit the ground at 32 feet per second, but still had this amazing sense of peace that penetrated my bones. It was what was at work when the person I was climbing with that night & someone else we had just met bent down to pray with me in the middle of gym, and stuck by my side through the night & into my journey. It was what was at work when the orthopedic surgeon was magically able to operate the very next morning, and feel hopeful after he was done performing the surgeries that were supposed to keep me in the hospital for two weeks & not five days. It's what enabled me to have joy and peace in the midst of an immense amount of pain and suffering. It's what spurred the thought of a sister to send such a verse to someone like me who needed to hear it. It's what a lot of people would call "coincidence".
The Holy Spirit is a role model for perseverance, working hard, and giving grace. It's not some mysterious flame over a candle floating in the sky. It's not something that can be tamed by people - in fact, just the opposite. It's undefinable, in a way. Always on the move. The Bible talks about how it intercedes for us "with groans that words cannot express." But it's something that Jesus gave to his followers as a gift, a deposit as he was leaving for heaven. And, it's something that we are called to depend on as we learn more and more about it. I look at it as God's way of not abandoning us, leaving us like orphans in a dark & sometimes dismal world. (Do you know what dismal means? Dismal: causing gloom or dejection; gloomy; dreary; cheerless; melancholy) Passive.
So, through the power of the Holy Spirit, (not that weird of a thing, and yet, kind of at the same time) I pray this for you, just as Paul did to the church in Rome (a very dark and dismal place): May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Read it again.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Trust. In Him.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Compassion.
Ellis Hobbs. He's the defensive back for the Philidelphia Eagles. The Eagles are a pretty obscure team in my mind, but I was watching it tonight because I've taken a growing interest in football ever since I watched the Bears beat the Packers in September. Tonight, Mr. Hobbs sustained a neck injury, and I watched it all go down. As I was watching him I felt so bad because I could really relate!
When I fell, (nearly three weeks ago), a lot of people were watching me. I spent about 15 or 20 seconds trying to figure out how to get down, when the sweat on my palms caused me to lose grip. By that time, a small crowd had gathered around where I was climbing & I was drawing the attention of quite a few people around me. So, when I fell, some people screamed & such - it's scarily vivid in my brain. Could you imagine having an entire stadium, and a whole state watching you while you get hurt?! Ugh. No thank you. I also felt bad for him because he wanted to get back up, but those paramedics, man, they mean business. No can do. It's hard for me to sit still, and I was wiggling my head around; I kept getting yelled at by the guys who were taking me in. I knew at the time that I hadn't hurt anything above my kneecaps, but they had to make sure. I actually got strapped to one of those board-things. And ride in an ambulance. A life dream. I'm so thankful not to have any neck or back injuries. None, whatsoever - it's amazing, isn't it.
Tonight, I was able to attend my little sister's orchestra concert. She plays the violin, and it always fabulous to hear her play. We went to this teeny tiny place called the "Raue". We went with my grandma, who is able to walk in large crowds with the assistance of a walker. My dad said, "We've got one who can't stand up, and one who can't sit down"...it's true. It was comical. My parents were like ringleaders in a circus. It was a big deal. So, I get wheeled into the lobby of the Raue, and everybody is dressed up for this performance. It's amazing how quickly people notice the wheelchair, and the loopy looking chick in pajama pants. I get so embarassed when people stare at me. I don't know why I'm so self-concious, I always have been. And now my legs are up in the air all of the time. People can see my toes, and they are orange.
And they stared. One usher followed us around everywhere. He really, really wanted to help. He actually was giving my dad advice on how to push the chair, and to "not go to fast", and "oh, we're okay". As we passed each person, I just couldn't help but laugh. Now I'm the loopy chick in a wheelchair, in pajama pants that's laughing to herself. I want people to know that I'm happy to be where I am, and a smile is the quickest way to communicate that. I like smiling. A lot of old people are particularly interested in why I'm "chaired", and I like old people too. I just mouth, "Rock climbing", and everyone nods in understanding. I feel like people are nicer to me, and more patient when I'm in it. It's so bizzare. And, I'm pretty sure I'm not just making all of this up. I have witnesses. But, what I really want to communicate is that I trust in a God who is in control, and that I have joy, even when it feels like an elephant is standing on my feet. And, unfortunately, tonight it did because I forgot to take my nerve pill this afternoon. (It's those stinkin' naps!)
Sometimes I wonder what Jesus did to attract so much attention. Like, do you think he had an angelic glow everywhere he went? I don't think his beard was exceptionally long, or that he had huge feet. His clothes were run-of-the-mill carpenter's clothes. Maybe he smelled like wood? (A good mosquito repellant...) The cross necklace hadn't been invented yet, so he wasn't dangling some Flavor Flav bling. He did travel with a large group of men; maybe they were noisy? I seriously think people were drawn to Jesus because of his posture in life. He was humble, but he was confident in who he was created to be. He was full of compassion, but he carried the truth. He was welcoming, and gentle, especially to little kids.
Matthew talks about the "crowd" in chapter 14. "When Jesus heard what had happened [his cousin John had been killed], he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick."
I can't imagine needing to get away to be alone with God, and not being able to. I would get so frustrated with the people that were following me around. I'd freak out at people staring at me; "What are you lookin' at?" Instead Jesus looks at the crowd of scared, lonely, angry, and unsensitive people (who might be looking at him in criticism and curiosity, waiting to see his next miracle), and he has compassion on them.
I'm not saying that I need to walk around piously next time I go out in public. I use walk loosely. Usually the compassionate stare is directed at me. And, I am blessed with the time and ability to be able to withdraw to solitary places for chunks of time, and I'm thankful for that. The pressure isn't as great for me...I can still hide in my mini-van drinking a soy hot chocolate with no whip from the Bucks. But, the connection that I made was that instead of shrinking back because people stare at me, I want to be like Jesus. I want to communicate him to the people around me, even though they might be staring in judgement. Instead of getting frustrated or freaking out, I want to see people the way that Jesus sees people: with compassion.
When I fell, (nearly three weeks ago), a lot of people were watching me. I spent about 15 or 20 seconds trying to figure out how to get down, when the sweat on my palms caused me to lose grip. By that time, a small crowd had gathered around where I was climbing & I was drawing the attention of quite a few people around me. So, when I fell, some people screamed & such - it's scarily vivid in my brain. Could you imagine having an entire stadium, and a whole state watching you while you get hurt?! Ugh. No thank you. I also felt bad for him because he wanted to get back up, but those paramedics, man, they mean business. No can do. It's hard for me to sit still, and I was wiggling my head around; I kept getting yelled at by the guys who were taking me in. I knew at the time that I hadn't hurt anything above my kneecaps, but they had to make sure. I actually got strapped to one of those board-things. And ride in an ambulance. A life dream. I'm so thankful not to have any neck or back injuries. None, whatsoever - it's amazing, isn't it.
Tonight, I was able to attend my little sister's orchestra concert. She plays the violin, and it always fabulous to hear her play. We went to this teeny tiny place called the "Raue". We went with my grandma, who is able to walk in large crowds with the assistance of a walker. My dad said, "We've got one who can't stand up, and one who can't sit down"...it's true. It was comical. My parents were like ringleaders in a circus. It was a big deal. So, I get wheeled into the lobby of the Raue, and everybody is dressed up for this performance. It's amazing how quickly people notice the wheelchair, and the loopy looking chick in pajama pants. I get so embarassed when people stare at me. I don't know why I'm so self-concious, I always have been. And now my legs are up in the air all of the time. People can see my toes, and they are orange.
And they stared. One usher followed us around everywhere. He really, really wanted to help. He actually was giving my dad advice on how to push the chair, and to "not go to fast", and "oh, we're okay". As we passed each person, I just couldn't help but laugh. Now I'm the loopy chick in a wheelchair, in pajama pants that's laughing to herself. I want people to know that I'm happy to be where I am, and a smile is the quickest way to communicate that. I like smiling. A lot of old people are particularly interested in why I'm "chaired", and I like old people too. I just mouth, "Rock climbing", and everyone nods in understanding. I feel like people are nicer to me, and more patient when I'm in it. It's so bizzare. And, I'm pretty sure I'm not just making all of this up. I have witnesses. But, what I really want to communicate is that I trust in a God who is in control, and that I have joy, even when it feels like an elephant is standing on my feet. And, unfortunately, tonight it did because I forgot to take my nerve pill this afternoon. (It's those stinkin' naps!)
Sometimes I wonder what Jesus did to attract so much attention. Like, do you think he had an angelic glow everywhere he went? I don't think his beard was exceptionally long, or that he had huge feet. His clothes were run-of-the-mill carpenter's clothes. Maybe he smelled like wood? (A good mosquito repellant...) The cross necklace hadn't been invented yet, so he wasn't dangling some Flavor Flav bling. He did travel with a large group of men; maybe they were noisy? I seriously think people were drawn to Jesus because of his posture in life. He was humble, but he was confident in who he was created to be. He was full of compassion, but he carried the truth. He was welcoming, and gentle, especially to little kids.
Matthew talks about the "crowd" in chapter 14. "When Jesus heard what had happened [his cousin John had been killed], he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick."
I can't imagine needing to get away to be alone with God, and not being able to. I would get so frustrated with the people that were following me around. I'd freak out at people staring at me; "What are you lookin' at?" Instead Jesus looks at the crowd of scared, lonely, angry, and unsensitive people (who might be looking at him in criticism and curiosity, waiting to see his next miracle), and he has compassion on them.
I'm not saying that I need to walk around piously next time I go out in public. I use walk loosely. Usually the compassionate stare is directed at me. And, I am blessed with the time and ability to be able to withdraw to solitary places for chunks of time, and I'm thankful for that. The pressure isn't as great for me...I can still hide in my mini-van drinking a soy hot chocolate with no whip from the Bucks. But, the connection that I made was that instead of shrinking back because people stare at me, I want to be like Jesus. I want to communicate him to the people around me, even though they might be staring in judgement. Instead of getting frustrated or freaking out, I want to see people the way that Jesus sees people: with compassion.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Plan.
Today is Saturday. Saturday is a good day, isn't it? Every day is a good day, I hope that you know I'm just kidding around, but Saturday is the cushiony day where you can sometimes sleep in or be as busy as you want. It's your call. When I was a youngun I looked forward to Disney's One Saturday Morning. PepperAnn was some cool stuff. And Recess. Oh Recess. My family has this tradition where we always make a big breakfast. And by "we" I mean my parents. Ha ha. This morning I had the honor of test-driving some pretty radical gluten-free pancakes. Be jealous. Then, the day is usually jam-packed...time with friends, ultimate frisbee, kids at games & concerts & IMEA & practices & at friends houses & babysitting, yardwork, or maybe work work. I love going to the farmer's market on Saturdays, and taking long walks, even if it's in the snow. The dogs I live with like Saturdays because it means a guaranteed trip to "Bark Park", a six (or so) acre strech of grassy goodness to frollick and spring upon. They're Springers, in case you didn't know. They like to spring. Today was kind of nippy, or so the cool coming from my window tells me, so I really have no idea what might have happened on this day because I still think that it's fall outside, when I really hear that winter is fast approaching. No ultimate frisbee, I assume.
To make the variable even greater, the night falls now at like, 4:00pm. It seriously starts getting dark then, if you didn't know. I contemplate every evening why we still practice Daylight Savings Time. Why? Once it gets dark, I always think about what people around the world are doing right now. It's this funny thing I do all the time. I started doing it when my dad came home from Malaysia some fifteen years ago, and talked about how people half-way around the world are "sleeping right now." Technically, half of the world is asleep at any given moment. Some people are resting this evening in Illinois. And Wiscosin. Most members of my household are already asleep! It's ten Post Meridien people! Others in my household are watching movies. (Personally, I think Netflix stinks.) Still others are out and about, hopping from place to place. Flights back to Dallas, babysitting, Irish Dancing, finishing up presentations, or dumping my pee in the "real toilet" (for you, Dad.)
Saturdays are good days, but they sometimes hold unexpected things. There isn't always a routine for Saturdays, like there might be during the week. For some people, they like routine, and Saturdays might hold one for them. Me, I'm pretty flexible. Let me just say that I've cried and cried in my lifetime about not being enough of a planner, but flexibility really comes in handy when both of your crurals are out of order. (Look crural up. It's good word.) Plans are always changing and evolving, especially in my family. I think it's just the nature of a family of six. Seven or eight depending on the day. Six peoples schedules are all trying to smush together at one time, and it just gets nuts. Luckily, one persons schedule is out of order, but the other five are still INSANE. Only one uses Google Calendar. And this one is convinced that it will solve all of our scheduley problems. But no one else believes this person. Poor person. They are so singled out.
The plans for today went differently than I had imagined in my head. I pictured: wake up early, have breakfast, visit with friends, have lunch with aunt from Dallas and my peeps, aka chill with family, go to cool performance with sibling and woman who gave birth to me, come home, go to church, read, watch a movie, blog, go to bed. It didn't quite happen that way though. The morning ran a little later than I had anticipated which made me nervous, and I ended up having to stay home for the evening because of timing and traffic and the inability to get into a car. I can't read these days because I'm so tired all the time, and I fell asleep, which I hate because I wake up, and I'm like Oscar the puffy-faced Grouch for the rest of the night and no one wants to be by me. And, I always go to bed way later than I want to.
I have a secret: I'm really a planner. Yikes. I don't like it when accidents happen. I don't like falling asleep when I don't want to, or missing out on time with people or God. As much as I don't want to admit it, I don't think I am as flexible as I think I am. I'm not as against-the-current as I imagine myself being. Weird, huh. I want to be different; this is a desire that many, many people have, but when you look at "people" in general, it's hard to be different. We're all people. And we all want to be different.
To continue with my "lessons from a movie" streak, I have a hybrid tonight. I watched "October Sky" this evening, and I watched "Elizabethtown" this afternoon. If you haven't seen either of them, I think they're really, really great movies. I'm trying to only watch one movie a day, but I had extra time by myself this evening, and it was either watch a movie or fall asleep again. Poop on that. No way I'm falling asleep again.
Anyway, we have had October sky for forever, I remember when it first came out. I was probably 12 or 13, and it made a huge impression on me. It's actually one of the reasons I wanted to become a teacher. Laura Dern is so inspring in the movie, and so beautiful, and Jake Gyllenhaal is a hunk. In the movie, Jake's character, Homer, doesn't want to be a coal miner like the rest of the townspeople. He and his friends "know" that it's their "destiny" to one day mine coal, but they put it off as long as they can. One day, Homer sees Sputnik shooting through the evening sky, and he catches this vision. A vision for building a rocket, and sending it into space. He knows nothing about how to do it, but just jumps in and starts building. The boys make major headway (after many, many failures) until his dad gets hurt. Homer has to start working in the coal mine to help his family. He starts to settle; he finally wins his father's approval, but his teacher is furious, his friends are leary, and he starts to let go of his vision. His destiny seems to come to fruition. (I won't spoil the ending, but he isn't stuck in the mine for long & he ends up work for something that starts with an "N" and ends with ASA. Do you think he planned on that?)
In Elizabethtown, the main character (also a hunk), fails miserably on a shoe design, costing his company close to a billion dollars. He contemplates suicide, but ends up finding out that his dad, from Kentucky, has died. In his travels, he meets this girl, and she helps him to find the positive side of things. My favorite line in the movie is where she tells him, "You failed" about twenty times in a row, but she does it with such honesty and grace and love. He decides to admit and the discard the failure, rather than dwelling on it forever. Do you think he planned on that?
You see, I can connect to both stories. I want to be someone who makes a difference in the lives of others. I'm just coming out and saying it - straight up. That is my desire. I think it causes me to wrestle though with my failure and with my pride and with my future, and with my insecurities and with the plans I've made. These things have been heavy on my heart for several days now. Dreams. Vision. Grace. Journey. Fear. Humility. Jobs. Plans. Over and over again, I keep thinking about the future, and sometimes I worry.
Both of these movies brought to mind this verse: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." Jeremiah 29:11-12
The first verse is highly quoted, and sometimes a little redundant (for people like me anyway who hear something many times, and forget what it means), but I wanted to share it anyway. It's one I've been seeing a lot in the cards I've received, and it has new meaning tonight. God has plans for our lives. Every single person on the earth, he has a plan for. The hard part is that we have to work at understanding what that plan is, and accept the challenges and blessings that come with it. The second part of the verse is much less familiar...I didn't know that part by heart.
Over and over again in Scripture, we see where Jesus calls out to his Father, sometimes in the middle of a fierce discussion with the religious leaders or others around him. He's constantly tuning his heart to that of the Father, and so, in turn, his plans are in tune as well. He listens to his Father. I mean, think about it. Jesus was a wanderer, but he was never lost. He always always always had direction in his life. He always knew what he needed to do. He knew where he needed to go. Why? The Father had a plan. The best part is that Jesus went. Without any hesitation. He listened to his Father.
Part of the reason that all of those "things" weigh so heavy on my heart and mind is because I'm not doing a very good job of listening. It's so hard. Sometimes I think I just don't know how. I mean, I can barely keep my thoughts in one place at any given time. It's fairly ridiculous actually. Please pray for me, that I would tune my heart to the Father's voice & that I can focus on hearing him in the coming weeks. I don't know that I believe in destiny, or predestination - I don't know enough about them to say. I don't like failure, and trying over and over again is hard. I can be pretty faint-hearted. What I do know is that I need to be a better listener & to continue being honest with God. I want to know his plan. Trusting that the Lord knows what he's doing at all times is very difficult because we have to surrender control, being still & knowing that He is God.
Jesus said, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” when he was about to give up his life. I struggle with how to cast vision for my life, and still stay in tune with God. This demeanor is one that I long for - complete and utter surrender. Jesus followed God's plan. Ultmately, he had to surrender his life in an extremely humble way, knowing that in the end he would die. That was God's plan. And yet, Jesus submitted to it. Just like always. But God's plan was to use that to redeem an entire race: humans. I'm so thankful that Jesus followed God's plan, even in the pain and hurt because I am blessed by that decision. Watching the process helps me to trust in God's plan, remember to call on him, go and pray to him, and give everything, every plan...and he will listen. My job is to listen right back.
To make the variable even greater, the night falls now at like, 4:00pm. It seriously starts getting dark then, if you didn't know. I contemplate every evening why we still practice Daylight Savings Time. Why? Once it gets dark, I always think about what people around the world are doing right now. It's this funny thing I do all the time. I started doing it when my dad came home from Malaysia some fifteen years ago, and talked about how people half-way around the world are "sleeping right now." Technically, half of the world is asleep at any given moment. Some people are resting this evening in Illinois. And Wiscosin. Most members of my household are already asleep! It's ten Post Meridien people! Others in my household are watching movies. (Personally, I think Netflix stinks.) Still others are out and about, hopping from place to place. Flights back to Dallas, babysitting, Irish Dancing, finishing up presentations, or dumping my pee in the "real toilet" (for you, Dad.)
Saturdays are good days, but they sometimes hold unexpected things. There isn't always a routine for Saturdays, like there might be during the week. For some people, they like routine, and Saturdays might hold one for them. Me, I'm pretty flexible. Let me just say that I've cried and cried in my lifetime about not being enough of a planner, but flexibility really comes in handy when both of your crurals are out of order. (Look crural up. It's good word.) Plans are always changing and evolving, especially in my family. I think it's just the nature of a family of six. Seven or eight depending on the day. Six peoples schedules are all trying to smush together at one time, and it just gets nuts. Luckily, one persons schedule is out of order, but the other five are still INSANE. Only one uses Google Calendar. And this one is convinced that it will solve all of our scheduley problems. But no one else believes this person. Poor person. They are so singled out.
The plans for today went differently than I had imagined in my head. I pictured: wake up early, have breakfast, visit with friends, have lunch with aunt from Dallas and my peeps, aka chill with family, go to cool performance with sibling and woman who gave birth to me, come home, go to church, read, watch a movie, blog, go to bed. It didn't quite happen that way though. The morning ran a little later than I had anticipated which made me nervous, and I ended up having to stay home for the evening because of timing and traffic and the inability to get into a car. I can't read these days because I'm so tired all the time, and I fell asleep, which I hate because I wake up, and I'm like Oscar the puffy-faced Grouch for the rest of the night and no one wants to be by me. And, I always go to bed way later than I want to.
I have a secret: I'm really a planner. Yikes. I don't like it when accidents happen. I don't like falling asleep when I don't want to, or missing out on time with people or God. As much as I don't want to admit it, I don't think I am as flexible as I think I am. I'm not as against-the-current as I imagine myself being. Weird, huh. I want to be different; this is a desire that many, many people have, but when you look at "people" in general, it's hard to be different. We're all people. And we all want to be different.
To continue with my "lessons from a movie" streak, I have a hybrid tonight. I watched "October Sky" this evening, and I watched "Elizabethtown" this afternoon. If you haven't seen either of them, I think they're really, really great movies. I'm trying to only watch one movie a day, but I had extra time by myself this evening, and it was either watch a movie or fall asleep again. Poop on that. No way I'm falling asleep again.
Anyway, we have had October sky for forever, I remember when it first came out. I was probably 12 or 13, and it made a huge impression on me. It's actually one of the reasons I wanted to become a teacher. Laura Dern is so inspring in the movie, and so beautiful, and Jake Gyllenhaal is a hunk. In the movie, Jake's character, Homer, doesn't want to be a coal miner like the rest of the townspeople. He and his friends "know" that it's their "destiny" to one day mine coal, but they put it off as long as they can. One day, Homer sees Sputnik shooting through the evening sky, and he catches this vision. A vision for building a rocket, and sending it into space. He knows nothing about how to do it, but just jumps in and starts building. The boys make major headway (after many, many failures) until his dad gets hurt. Homer has to start working in the coal mine to help his family. He starts to settle; he finally wins his father's approval, but his teacher is furious, his friends are leary, and he starts to let go of his vision. His destiny seems to come to fruition. (I won't spoil the ending, but he isn't stuck in the mine for long & he ends up work for something that starts with an "N" and ends with ASA. Do you think he planned on that?)
In Elizabethtown, the main character (also a hunk), fails miserably on a shoe design, costing his company close to a billion dollars. He contemplates suicide, but ends up finding out that his dad, from Kentucky, has died. In his travels, he meets this girl, and she helps him to find the positive side of things. My favorite line in the movie is where she tells him, "You failed" about twenty times in a row, but she does it with such honesty and grace and love. He decides to admit and the discard the failure, rather than dwelling on it forever. Do you think he planned on that?
You see, I can connect to both stories. I want to be someone who makes a difference in the lives of others. I'm just coming out and saying it - straight up. That is my desire. I think it causes me to wrestle though with my failure and with my pride and with my future, and with my insecurities and with the plans I've made. These things have been heavy on my heart for several days now. Dreams. Vision. Grace. Journey. Fear. Humility. Jobs. Plans. Over and over again, I keep thinking about the future, and sometimes I worry.
Both of these movies brought to mind this verse: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." Jeremiah 29:11-12
The first verse is highly quoted, and sometimes a little redundant (for people like me anyway who hear something many times, and forget what it means), but I wanted to share it anyway. It's one I've been seeing a lot in the cards I've received, and it has new meaning tonight. God has plans for our lives. Every single person on the earth, he has a plan for. The hard part is that we have to work at understanding what that plan is, and accept the challenges and blessings that come with it. The second part of the verse is much less familiar...I didn't know that part by heart.
Over and over again in Scripture, we see where Jesus calls out to his Father, sometimes in the middle of a fierce discussion with the religious leaders or others around him. He's constantly tuning his heart to that of the Father, and so, in turn, his plans are in tune as well. He listens to his Father. I mean, think about it. Jesus was a wanderer, but he was never lost. He always always always had direction in his life. He always knew what he needed to do. He knew where he needed to go. Why? The Father had a plan. The best part is that Jesus went. Without any hesitation. He listened to his Father.
Part of the reason that all of those "things" weigh so heavy on my heart and mind is because I'm not doing a very good job of listening. It's so hard. Sometimes I think I just don't know how. I mean, I can barely keep my thoughts in one place at any given time. It's fairly ridiculous actually. Please pray for me, that I would tune my heart to the Father's voice & that I can focus on hearing him in the coming weeks. I don't know that I believe in destiny, or predestination - I don't know enough about them to say. I don't like failure, and trying over and over again is hard. I can be pretty faint-hearted. What I do know is that I need to be a better listener & to continue being honest with God. I want to know his plan. Trusting that the Lord knows what he's doing at all times is very difficult because we have to surrender control, being still & knowing that He is God.
Jesus said, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” when he was about to give up his life. I struggle with how to cast vision for my life, and still stay in tune with God. This demeanor is one that I long for - complete and utter surrender. Jesus followed God's plan. Ultmately, he had to surrender his life in an extremely humble way, knowing that in the end he would die. That was God's plan. And yet, Jesus submitted to it. Just like always. But God's plan was to use that to redeem an entire race: humans. I'm so thankful that Jesus followed God's plan, even in the pain and hurt because I am blessed by that decision. Watching the process helps me to trust in God's plan, remember to call on him, go and pray to him, and give everything, every plan...and he will listen. My job is to listen right back.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Reveal.
So, last night I was whomped, and went to bed semi-early. Today, I woke up at 11am. I have no idea what is going on, but I have been so tired lately. I tried to read this afternoon, but I kept dozing off. So, I decided to watch a movie. One movie turned into three. Yup. I'm ashamed to even admit it, but I wasted nearly six hours of my life today. Fortunately, one of the movies sort of redeems the day because it was semi-educational. It was a movie about a young woman named Esther. Anyway, this was my cheesy-Christian-movie-of-the-year numero dos (number two). It's funny how I'm actually being challenged in watching these movies. I think I may be a little judgemental when it comes to faith-based movies. I should probably lay off a little bit, huh. In this big, dramatic scene Esther, (who I'm not sure if she's supposed to be British in the movie) says this to her (best actor in the movie) bodyguard,
"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings." (Proverbs 25:2)
Yesterday I had blogged about not knowing what my dreams are in life. I think that God gives us passions and a vision for who we are, and what we are to do, but an answer came within this very movie: I have to spend time seeking it out. Often times I think that the clouds will open up, and God will just say, "Catie, I want you to work for the DNR (Department of Natural Resources); you can spend the rest of your life frollicking around in Montana being a moutain woman. Enjoy. Sincerely, God."
Yes. This is one of my life dreams, and I've never told anybody, so don't laugh at me. I would love to be a mountain woman. I seriously thought at one point that I could just go and work for some governmental program, possibly teaching kids about the wilderness, and get to spend most of my life hiding away in some cabin in the middle of the woods. As a hermit and spinster. Yup. Then I realized that I only wanted this dream because I really wanted to escape from everything that was going on around me, and I would go stir-crazy within the first year. I probably wouldn't even make it that long. I'd be talking to bunnies and chipmunks with a month. The first time I saw a grizzly, I'd pee myself & it would view that as a territorial threat display, and I'd die. So. That's out. (For now...unless I meet someone or some people that will move out there with me. Any takers?)
But seriously, since I was little, I've been fed this lie - that I can wish upon a star & my dreams will come true. I mean, come on Disney, what are you THINKING?! Billions of dollars is not worth brainwashing young kids the way you do. Ugh. I keep waiting for my dreams to come to me while I'm sleeping, or while I'm laying in bed thinking, or while I'm talking to someone, or when my fairy-godmother shows up and gives them to me, and I ride away into the sunset with a drop-dead gorgeous man beside me. To be quite honest, as a twenty-three, almost twenty-four year old woman, I have to fight of these misconceptions. They're quite tempting, you know.
The thing is that my dreams can't come from other people, or from the middle of nowhere (although, it would be nice.) My dreams have to be searched out, like I'm searching for hidden treasure. And, although it sometimes feels like that treasure is in the bottom of a body of water...the ocean. Atlantis, actually. And I have no boat. Oh, and I get seasick. And I'm deathly afraid of sharks...I know that I have to keep searching. The best part is that God gets so excited when I look that hard; when I care enough about our relationship, my life, and our future together, that I actually venture out in pursuit. Thank goodness he's with me, all the way. I don't think he's going to run ahead of me, and start jumping up and down on top of the treasure chest, but he will be my guide, and he's faithful. To the very, very end.
So, thanks "One Night With the King", for teaching me that.
Wow.
I can't even believe those words are coming out of my mouth. Blech! No more crazy-cheesy, bad-acting, Christiany movies for me. But I promise not to judge? Heh. Heh heh. : )
"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings." (Proverbs 25:2)
Yesterday I had blogged about not knowing what my dreams are in life. I think that God gives us passions and a vision for who we are, and what we are to do, but an answer came within this very movie: I have to spend time seeking it out. Often times I think that the clouds will open up, and God will just say, "Catie, I want you to work for the DNR (Department of Natural Resources); you can spend the rest of your life frollicking around in Montana being a moutain woman. Enjoy. Sincerely, God."
Yes. This is one of my life dreams, and I've never told anybody, so don't laugh at me. I would love to be a mountain woman. I seriously thought at one point that I could just go and work for some governmental program, possibly teaching kids about the wilderness, and get to spend most of my life hiding away in some cabin in the middle of the woods. As a hermit and spinster. Yup. Then I realized that I only wanted this dream because I really wanted to escape from everything that was going on around me, and I would go stir-crazy within the first year. I probably wouldn't even make it that long. I'd be talking to bunnies and chipmunks with a month. The first time I saw a grizzly, I'd pee myself & it would view that as a territorial threat display, and I'd die. So. That's out. (For now...unless I meet someone or some people that will move out there with me. Any takers?)
But seriously, since I was little, I've been fed this lie - that I can wish upon a star & my dreams will come true. I mean, come on Disney, what are you THINKING?! Billions of dollars is not worth brainwashing young kids the way you do. Ugh. I keep waiting for my dreams to come to me while I'm sleeping, or while I'm laying in bed thinking, or while I'm talking to someone, or when my fairy-godmother shows up and gives them to me, and I ride away into the sunset with a drop-dead gorgeous man beside me. To be quite honest, as a twenty-three, almost twenty-four year old woman, I have to fight of these misconceptions. They're quite tempting, you know.
The thing is that my dreams can't come from other people, or from the middle of nowhere (although, it would be nice.) My dreams have to be searched out, like I'm searching for hidden treasure. And, although it sometimes feels like that treasure is in the bottom of a body of water...the ocean. Atlantis, actually. And I have no boat. Oh, and I get seasick. And I'm deathly afraid of sharks...I know that I have to keep searching. The best part is that God gets so excited when I look that hard; when I care enough about our relationship, my life, and our future together, that I actually venture out in pursuit. Thank goodness he's with me, all the way. I don't think he's going to run ahead of me, and start jumping up and down on top of the treasure chest, but he will be my guide, and he's faithful. To the very, very end.
So, thanks "One Night With the King", for teaching me that.
Wow.
I can't even believe those words are coming out of my mouth. Blech! No more crazy-cheesy, bad-acting, Christiany movies for me. But I promise not to judge? Heh. Heh heh. : )
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Dreams.
I am so tired right now. I'm about to fall asleep on top of my computer. I can't wait to dream tonight, and to enjoy the gift of sleep. Throughout my journey, I've been so thankful that I have been able to sleep through the night. I love sleeping. Sleeping is so good, and it's definitely something that I do not take for granted.
The dreams that I thought about today were not the kind that you have at night. I watched "The Ultimate Gift" today, which really should be called, "The Ultimate Cheesy Christian Movie of the Year". But, you know, the cheesy movie won out in the end. I cried like a baby. There's this part where a little girl with cancer turns and asks the main character of the movie what his dreams are. And do you know what he says? "I don't know. I don't have any." That's the part that made me cry. I'm so insensitive and hard...I didn't cry at the part where the little girl dies, or the two main characters fall in love and make out at the end. No, no. I cry at the parts that I connect to. That's how I feel right now. I feel like I have goals in life - namely, to heal from where I'm at, and to be able to walk. To serve God well, in obedience & love. To follow the example of Christ, crossing social barriers and meeting the needs of those around me. To find my gifts and strengths & use them with joy and selflessness.
You know. Goals. But I have no dreams.
I used to be such a dreamer, but I became discouraged, and I gave up. I read Mark 9 today, and there is this verse that talks about belief. Jesus is coming down from a sort of "Holy Hike" with a few of his disciples (see Mark 9:1-10), and he sees some other disciples surrounded by a crowd. One man in the crowd turns to Jesus, and begs him to heal his son. He says [about his son],
"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
“‘If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
I really resonate with these verses. I find myself sometimes coming to God with partial belief. Why is that I believe he can do some things and not others? Why is it easier to surrender certain areas of my life than others? I come to God with so many "If you can"s. Truly believing that "everything is possible for one who believes" scares me. And so, I'm afraid to dream. I love it that the father in the story is immediately vulnerable with Jesus - "help me overcome my unbelief!"
Oh Father. How many times I've been scared to believe. That you are real, that you see me and you get me, and you know me, that you love me anyway, that you have plans for my life, that you want me to do well, and by your standards, that you are in control. Help me overcome my unbelief. Help me to dream again. I no longer want the "right answer" or to "get there" in life. In fact, I'm okay with letting go of the dreams that I used to dream. The things I've held on to that maybe you didn't want me to have. I want to know what makes you heart beat quicken, Father, and I want to go there. Not by the dreams of this world, this country, or this generation, but by what you say and think and dream. I want those dreams. Thank you for the time you've given me to heal and dream again.
The dreams that I thought about today were not the kind that you have at night. I watched "The Ultimate Gift" today, which really should be called, "The Ultimate Cheesy Christian Movie of the Year". But, you know, the cheesy movie won out in the end. I cried like a baby. There's this part where a little girl with cancer turns and asks the main character of the movie what his dreams are. And do you know what he says? "I don't know. I don't have any." That's the part that made me cry. I'm so insensitive and hard...I didn't cry at the part where the little girl dies, or the two main characters fall in love and make out at the end. No, no. I cry at the parts that I connect to. That's how I feel right now. I feel like I have goals in life - namely, to heal from where I'm at, and to be able to walk. To serve God well, in obedience & love. To follow the example of Christ, crossing social barriers and meeting the needs of those around me. To find my gifts and strengths & use them with joy and selflessness.
You know. Goals. But I have no dreams.
I used to be such a dreamer, but I became discouraged, and I gave up. I read Mark 9 today, and there is this verse that talks about belief. Jesus is coming down from a sort of "Holy Hike" with a few of his disciples (see Mark 9:1-10), and he sees some other disciples surrounded by a crowd. One man in the crowd turns to Jesus, and begs him to heal his son. He says [about his son],
"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
“‘If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
I really resonate with these verses. I find myself sometimes coming to God with partial belief. Why is that I believe he can do some things and not others? Why is it easier to surrender certain areas of my life than others? I come to God with so many "If you can"s. Truly believing that "everything is possible for one who believes" scares me. And so, I'm afraid to dream. I love it that the father in the story is immediately vulnerable with Jesus - "help me overcome my unbelief!"
Oh Father. How many times I've been scared to believe. That you are real, that you see me and you get me, and you know me, that you love me anyway, that you have plans for my life, that you want me to do well, and by your standards, that you are in control. Help me overcome my unbelief. Help me to dream again. I no longer want the "right answer" or to "get there" in life. In fact, I'm okay with letting go of the dreams that I used to dream. The things I've held on to that maybe you didn't want me to have. I want to know what makes you heart beat quicken, Father, and I want to go there. Not by the dreams of this world, this country, or this generation, but by what you say and think and dream. I want those dreams. Thank you for the time you've given me to heal and dream again.
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