Beginner.

"We do not want to be beginners.  But let us be convinced of the fact that we will never be anything else but beginners, all our life!"  - Thomas Merton.

Dear Tom,

I wish you were wrong.

Humbly, and with love,
Catie

Today.  Was another day to glorify my Jesus.  It was, truly, a wonderful day.  Puzzle-building with Mama Berndt, celebrating my mom's birthday, hanging out with some cools peeps at my church - it was such a marvelous day.  Unfortunately, in the very last minutes of the day, my day took a nosedive.

I finally worked up the nerve to try using my crutches again.  I am afraid of them, I'm not gonna lie.  They are hard for me to use.  So when I accidentally took a step backwards, and stepped onto my left foot; my excitement turned to fear.  I had a mini-panic attack & freaked everyone around me out.  You see, this is the same left foot that I'm only supposed to be putting 10% of my weight on (as of yesterday.)  I was scared.

Why is it that I don't like being a beginner?  What is it with me and mistakes?!  Why is grace such a hard concept for me to grasp?  Ugh.  My head hurts.  I dislike the headaches that tears give me, but I feel such a relief.  It's so so so silly - I can't believe I had another meltdown today because I can't figure out how to use my stupid crutches.

Grace.  It's what I have wrestled with from the very beginning.  And I am also a beginner at understanding grace.  I will always be a beginner.  Especially when it comes to understanding God.  But, I am thankful.

Because am I God?  No.  Will my step backwards onto my foot really make that big of a difference?  Probably not.  Am I frustrated that I can't use crutches?  Yes.  Do I need to keep trying?  Yes.  Will I cry again?  Yes.  But God has brought me this far, and I'm pretty sure that he will help me with my next steps.  Literally & figuratively.  Even if they have to be really really really small.  And even when I look like Bambi.

Knit.

My birthday is officially over.  By one minute.  Phew.  It's kind of a relief.  I mean, not be a Debby-downer here, but today was actually kind of rough.  It doesn't help that right now I'm completely exhausted, and I can't sleep  It was an incredibly full and challenging day.  But.  It's over.  I have SO much to be thankful for, even in the midst of trying things...

- A car to drive to Milwaukee in, and one that will run in single digits Fahrenheit.
- Parents that are willing to take a day off to go with me to the doctor.
- Sisters that know how to show me that they love me.
And that they really do.
- Extended family that does the same.
- Friends that remember my birthday.
And love me for who I am.
And see who I can become.
- Insurance.
- Technology.
- Crutches & boots to walk on.
- Gluten-free Betty Crocker cake mix.  And frosting.
- Delicious books to read.  And the ability & time to read them. 
- Clean air to breathe.  And healthy lungs.
- Van parties with three-year-olds.
- HJ & JWo & ChadWo...even though ChadWo couldn't make the van party.
- The fact that my doctor said that my LEFT leg looks "Wonderful!"  He doesn't say that word very often.  He made funny eyebrows last time.  So it actually means that my left leg is healing well, and that the blood is moving back into the damaged area!  Praise God!

I have so much to be thankful for.  Don't I?  I know that not everyone has these things, and I think that today there were so many distractions.  It was hard for me to stay focused on these things because of how many things were coming at me from all directions.  All day.  Not being able to see my friends, and spend time with them.  (When I get back to Milwaukee (Lord willing) I want to have a gigantic party.  From like 9am until 5pm.  Skip work.)  Weird things coming up from the past week that I didn't even realize were happening.  Having to say goodbye to curriculum from my old job.  Which officially means it's over.  Things like miscommunications, and disappointment in my doctor's visit.  I had unrealistic expectations on myself, and pushed my legs way too hard today. 

All these things fade away as I stand in awe this evening.  I actually stood in my own home tonight for the very first time.  I am so glad that God saw it fit to keep me in the world for another birthday, and I'm so thankful for all that he continues to do.  Even when I make mistakes.  Even when I am in pain.  Even when I say stupid, stupid things.  I am most thankful for his love, and that he allows me to show him love in return.  One of my all-time favorite passages is this one:

 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.
- Psalm 139:13-18

I remember the youth retreat I was on when I first heard these verses.  I think I was, like, 13 or 14 at the time.  I remember sitting there and hearing these words, and just sobbing my eyes out.  I was blown away.  These words shook me to the core.  To think that God actually saw me inside my mom's uterus, and that I was fearfully & wonderfully made!  As were you.  Truly, I know full well, and I continue to be blown away.  God's works are wonderful. 

I'm so thankful that God knows how to knit.  And that he knit you and I together.  That we inhabit this time and this space in this moment as human beings.  And that he knew us before we were even a thought.  But, really, we were a thought because he knew us.  God thought of us as he was painting the sky, and carving out spaces for rivers with his fingers.  He thought of us when he realized what his children had done in choosing the knowledge of good & evil on that first fallen day.  He thought of us over and over again as he demonstrated his faithfulness to his people, and he thought of us when he allowed his son to be beaten nearly to death, crucified & spit upon.  He knows how to knit.  His plan is absolutely perfect.  And I'm so thankful for the many places that he's patched up & redeemed in my life, for the design that he has created in my heart.  And for the way that he continues to draw me out & make me his.

Abba, I am so thankful for you.

Exclamation.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:20 & 21

I know that I have talked about this verse before,  but I never really thought of my 24th birthday as something to be imaginative about.  I'm totally stoked.  And, I mean, I just love the exclamation point at the end of these verses.  Just so you know, I didn't put that there.  Paul (the writer) did.

I wonder how Jesus celebrated his birthdays?  Did they have cake in the BC?  I wonder what went through Mary's mind each year as she recounted how everything surrounding his birthday went down.  What do you think Jesus was like when he was 24?

For me, twenty-four is going to be a transitional year.  Exclamation point style.  There is electricity in my bones.  I can just feel that this year holds things that I am not evening thinking about.  The transition part may not seem like a big deal to you, but to me it's huge.  Not only will I begin walking again (as of tomorrow, hopefully more regularly, with the crutches I get from my doctor), I just feel like I will be transitioning into different things in every area of my life.  I think I'm more excited about this birthday, and less nervous than I was last year.  What a relief!

God has been so incredibly faithful to me for my entire life, and as of this birthday, I have officially been pursuing him for half of it.  After this birthday, I'm want to dream big.  And not just in some self-help-lofty-ideal-pie-in-the-sky-graduation-schpeel kind of way, but genuinely.  I want my life to be taken out of the box that I have somehow placed it in.  I want to take more risks, and continue to grow.  I want to be more sure of who I am, and not so worried about who I'm not.  I want to be wrong more often, and be okay with it.  I want to see my life in the way that Jesus saw his; through the eyes of his Father.

Because he truly is able to do immeasurably more than I can even imagine.  And, not to brag or anything, but I have a pretty crazy imagination.  He does greater things that I can even think to ask of.  And I can't get over it.

Jesus, thank you for another day today.  Thank you for each breath.  Thank you for reminding me that even though I'm not promised tomorrow, I have so much to look forward to.  Thank you for the hope that I can find in you alone.  To you be all the glory.  Forever.

Faithful.

Faithful:

1. Strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker.

2. True to one's word, promises, vows, etc.

3. Steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant.

4. Reliable, trusted, or believed.

5. Adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate.
(dictionary.com)


I had another wonderful conversation today, in another wonderful day.  And I'm not just saying that.  Sometimes I feel like when I say that to people (that I had a wonderful day, or that the last three months have truly been wonder-filled), they don't believe me, or they think I'm lying.  Or maybe that I have everything figured out or am trying to appear perfect.  First, please believe me, and second I am not perfect.  God is seriously just so good to me.  And I pray that tomorrow is full of wonder for you as well.

That is exactly what my conversation was about; God's faithfulness.  I've talked a lot about that word, "faithfulness", and I decided that it was time to whip out another definition.  I think it's a word that people in the church use a lot.  And people in divorce courts, but that's a different kind of faithfulness.  Unfaithfulness, possibly.  But the kind of faithfulness that I have grown more and more passionate about in the last several years about is God's faithfulness.  There is nothing like it.  It's really incomprehensible, I think.  And I also think the word has lost some meaning.

I mean, he never breaks his promises, he can be trusted with anything, he is so passionate about people, and his love, power, grace, mercy, & justice are so constant.  And he does this all at the same time!  I mean, I can barely walk and and chew gum at the same time.  Actually, I can barely walk, period.  ; )

I just think it's so cool to be able to hear how God has been so good to so many other people around me.  It's something that I think we need to be reminded of, and often; we are not the center of God's universe, and yet he sees us.  It's sort of a paradox, isn't it?  He sees each person in the universe both individually, and he sees people collectively at the same exact time.  He values each person, gives lavishly to each person, and knows each person better than anyone else will ever know them.  And, at the exact same time, he is loving-kind toward everyone collectively, and longs for us to live in community with one another.  Life isn't about "me", or even "us", but "I" and "we" are still seen by such a huge God.  A God who has never been seen by our eyes; the God that keeps everything in motion.  He is so generous with his love, and his provision is perfect.  His plan is often deeply hidden, and it is only revealed second by millisecond. 


I was thankful to be able to celebrate this with others today.  

I am making good on my promise to myself to go to bed earlier this evening, and I'm so looking forward to watching the sun rise in the morning.  That in and of itself is evidence of God's extreme faithfulness.  All wrapped up into one giant eggroll called Psalm 92.  (v. 1-5)


"It is good to praise the Lord
  and make music to your name, O Most High,
proclaiming your love in the morning
   and your faithfulness at night,
to the music of the ten-stringed lyre (or piano)
   and the melody of the harp (or guitar).
For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD;
   I sing for joy at what your hands have done.
How great are your works, LORD,
   how profound your thoughts!"

Ordinary.

I felt like a real human being tonight.  Wanna know why?

I wore jeans for the first time in THREE MONTHS! Ahhhhhhhhh!  It felt so good.  I never thought I would hear myself say that, but it felt so good to wear real pants.  An ordinary thing that just had new life to me.  Other new clothing items I wore shall remain nameless.

In other news, I have no idea how I happened to start going to bed so late... it just snuck up on me.  It probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't had to get up early in quite some time, and when I finally snuggle into bed and start thinking about my day, it's pretty late.  Tonight's even later because I just got back from a Superbowl party at my church.  It was lots of fun, and not just because the food was amazing.  (I really do love food.)   The game was fun to watch... (I never really liked football until this past year.  I watched the Greenbay vs. Chicago game in the fall with my dear friend JWo, and I just started liking it.  Pretty sure Chicago won that game.  Pretty sure I am the worst kind of football fan ever.  Whoever wins...I like them.  That's pretty awful of me, huh.)

But it was also fun to meet new people, and have good conversations.  One of the things in my life that I have always enjoyed is meeting new people.  Everyone is different when it comes to this, but I think that even that in and of itself is really a good thing.  I really appreciate people who are reserved and quiet, and I appreciate people who are outgoing and talkative, and I appreciate people in between.  I think we need all of the above. 

One of the highlights of the night was getting to talk to someone who had made a commitment this year to spending more time serving the poor in his community.  It was so cool to hear how God has been teaching him what it means to rub shoulders with people who live in poverty.  He shared about how he has been learning so much from the people that he has been able to share meals with, and how humbling it was for him to be able to have great conversations with people who live with next to nothing.  And then, yesterday, the students at Marquette University in Milwaukee (where I was volunteering with InterVarsity), held an urban project for their community.  60 students handed out 120 meals to people in their community that needed them, and I think that they realized that so many of the people that they were eating with weren't that different than them. 

I just think it's so cool that this was such a theme in the weekend, amidst so many different things; that God is teaching myself and others what it means to serve.  To value what our society has deemed invaluable.  To view people as Jesus views them.  I so look forward to being able to brush shoulders with the people around me that Jesus highly values, and I'm so thankful that I have been able to do that in the past months.  I know I've posted a lot of C.S. Lewis quotes (I just really connect with him...), but he once said that we need to:

"remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship."

I don't post this as though a reader might be hungry for fame or acknowledgment, or to suggest that you would want to worship another person, but to simply remind myself that:

"There are no ordinary people."

New.

I came across this tonight:

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it." - C.S. Lewis 

So, here it is.  The truth.  I entered into a relationship with a man when I was 12 years old.  He showed me grace then, and he shows it to me now.  It's nothing new.  Nothing I have said or can say is new.  But it's the truth.  Jesus changes lives.  He is more wonderful than I ever could have imagined.

Conflict.

I seriously love my family.  We are all semi-dysfunctional, but it's mostly just me.  Just want to say that before I say anything else.  I have committed to not talking badly of them in this blog, and I remain true to that commitment...just so you know.  But, as my title suggests, there was a conflict this evening in my household, and I feel led to share it.  Normally, I don't share a lot about the conflicts that I have at home because they are private, and to be dealt with face to face, not behind anyone's back.  (Matthew 18 talks about this, if you'd like to study it more.)  But, this conflict has been resolved - there are no harbored feelings, and I feel led to share it; I pray that you can learn from it.

I had PT this morning and WALKED on crutches for the first time ever!!!  Whoot whoot!  A whole ten feet.  It was pretty exciting.  I was supposed to do a small cadence at first...like a "crutch, step, crutch, step" to start with, but my leg was just too excited.  It seriously took on a life of its own and was like, "crutch, SUH-WING, crutch, SUH-WING".  I even had the "turning around" part down.  Oh yeah baby.  Pretty sure I scared the crud out of my physical therapist.  She was as surprised as I was actually.  But she's like Superwoman, so everything was a-okay.  I'm only walking on crutches at physical therapy right now, and hopefully will be on them at home next week!  Best birthday present EVA!!

Anyway, I enjoyed the rest of the (second snow) day with mi familia.  We made cookies, had tostadas for lunch, watched Spiderman...sounds enjoyable, right?  It was.  I'm really really enjoying this valuable season with my family.  I wouldn't trade it for a thing.  This time has been such a blessing to me.  But, you see, I am also a selfish human being.  Or, in the words of the BFG (the Big Friendly Giant), a human bean.  My value for my family goes flying out the window whenever I get my feelings hurt (aka: when I'm focused on myself.)  And that happens a lot because I'm a pansy.  A huge pansy... like, you could just look at me wrong, and I can get my feelings hurt.  It's bad, but I'm working on it.  Again, I'm a Meyers-Briggs "ENFP".

Anyway.  So tonight, a certain family member (who shall remain nameless) had a certain tone in their voice that just rubbed me wrong.  Instead of looking at it from their perspective, or praying about reacting in a Godly way, I just flew off the handle.  It could have something to do with a certain nap I accidentally took, but it was mostly because I made the wrong choice.

"Why do you always have to talk to me in that tone?!  I KNOW that I need to do that!  Why are you even SAYING this to me?!  What's with your tone?  Do you think I'm dumb or something?!"  Waa waa waaaa waa waa waa waaaa...on and on I went, trying so hard to make my point.  Actually, I was trying to drill it into them, pounding it home until finally I was like, "YOU KNOW WHAT?" (the caps are because I'm yelling at this point.  I yell all the time - when I'm excited, when I'm talking about something I'm passionate about, and/or when I'm upset.  And it's not because I'm deaf.  I just yell sometimes.)

"YOU KNOW WHAT?!  I'M NOT GOING TO SMALL GROUP TONIGHT!  I'M NOT GONNA GO BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE CAR WITH YOU!"

I hope you are laughing at this point.  It's quite funny.  I hope you can see me acting like such a dork.  I'm such a petty girl sometimes.  Five minutes later, several family members walked out the door to go to their various places, and I started crying.  I really did want to go to small group, and I knew that I needed to, but I was not going to admit it.  Mistake number two.  My pride got in the way, and even though I felt like I had "won" the argument, I was really mad at myself for acting so selfishly.  Luckily (with some divine intervention) they had to come back inside because they had the wrong keys.  And they saw me and were like, "Kid, get in the car.  We're taking you to small group."

This is a testament to how wonderful my parents are.  Really.  I was being so stupid.  I have, obviously, at this point in the "conversation" lost focus of Jesus or I wouldn't have been acting this way.  They were running late to where they needed to go, but they knew that I needed to get out.  To have time with other Christ-followers.  To learn more about Jesus' character.  To pray with and for other people.  To confess ways in which I have been selfish (ahem...five minutes ago...) and have them pray for me.  Thank you, God, for small groups.  (In case you don't know, a "small group" is basically a small group of people studying Scripture, discussing and talking about who Jesus is, who he claimed to be, and ways that we can be more like him.  It is a wonderful way to think outside of your perception of who Jesus is - I would highly recommend one if you aren't currently committed to a "small group".)

And, you know what else?  I realized tonight that I have this crazy tendency to try to "zing" my family members when I'm mad at them.  You know like, "zing" gotcha there, or "zing" I win this argument.  On top of being a yeller, I'm a zinger.  Isn't that awful?  This is some major confession time, so don't tell anyone I'm telling you this, okay?  It'll be between you and me.  And pray for me.  No really, please pray for me.  We are human beans, and we fall short, but we are called to be different.  To be like Jesus. 

Conflict is something that is healthy, and something that we can use to worship God, and glorify him.  Truly.  It's all in how we respond to one another though.  And, let me tell you.  I have seen him use it to do great things, and I have also seen it rip people apart, when they try to do things on their own.  When I try to do things on my own is what I should say. 

It's happened to me.  It's actually a part of my testimony (my story), and if you want to hear it, you should ask me sometime.  God truly intervened in my life, and in the lives of my family members, and reconciled my relationship.  Especially with my parents.  Especially with my momma.  It was a long process, and it is an on-going process.  Like being married.  We never "arrive" at any relational destination - we are always working on being more like Jesus.  I'm always working on treating my parents & my sisters with more respect and consideration.  How often I fall short.  I'm so thankful that Jesus is at the center of our family because each member has given me more grace than I deserve, just like He has.

So.  Tonight, I'm not going to do any more speaking.  I am just going to post what correction I found this evening from Matthew.  Matthew was one of Jesus' disciples, and he wrote the first book of the New Testament.  He shares many things about conflict in his book - there is a lot of dialogue from Jesus within its pages, and the follow passages are from v.38-48, (16:21-23 is also a great reference):

"Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.'

Is that going to get us anywhere?

Here's what I (Jesus) propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff.

Live generously. 

You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.

In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."