Party.

It's hammer time.  MC Hammer, that is.

I was out for tea tonight (and now I'm WIRED at 10:44pm - I forgot tea has caffeine!) with an amazing lady from a really special season (mid-college) in my life.  It was such an encouraging conversation.  I find myself thanking God for a lot of friends in my life that have been such a blessing to me over the last year.  I kept thinking the whole night about the verse along the lines of, "Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing."  Oh how I forget the importance of community, sharing one anothers burdens, and praying for other people on a regular basis. 

Thank you, Milwaukee, for Alterra on the Lake, and for the sanctuary that you provide.  I pray that as you read this, you are surrounded by friends that encourage you and build you up - God is faithful in this area, and has taught me much about what it means (and how hard it is) to rely on other people.  It's SO worth it!  I never really had a "best friend" growing up.  I had so many friends that were faithful to me though, even when I wasn't faithful to them.  It is by the grace of God that I have any at this point in my life, as they show grace to me on pretty much a daily basis. 

Anyway, lady suggested that I have a party on October 31st.  It feels a smidge selfish because my parents' TWENTY SIXTH wedding anniversary is tomorrow...  Food for thought...  I kind of think it is a fabulous idea.  It's is my one-year anniversary, and I think it may be time to celebrate some Unexpected Adventures in all of our lives.

Who's in?  : )

Sun.

One of the many beautiful things about a storm is that once you have spent an entire day underneath a blanket of dark clouds, when the sun does peak out (which it always will), it is that much more beautiful.

The five-year-old ballerinas agree with me.

I was on my way into class (where, not so coincidentally, we talked about "the faithfulness of God", ha ha) and they were on their way out.  It was so cool to hear all of them step outside, and collectively say, "Oh man!  Look at the sun, mom!",  "Dad, dad, look!  It's so beautiful!"  Inside, it was exactly what I was thinking....I couldn't have expressed it better myself.

Caw.

Bike riding is one of my absolute most favorite things in the world.  Bike riding when it's 70 degrees out, with a water bottle in my pack, three hours to spare, while all the trees are in all their glory is the absolute best thing in the world. 

It was funny, on my ride I saw this mob of crows (the bird) flying overhead.  My initials are C.A.W., which has always been super-annoying because I thought it was cool to have initials that spelled an actual word until that word was "caw".  The most obnoxious noise ever.

Anyway.  Crows.  I'm not exaggerating when I say mob.  There were a lot.  Then a few more...then even more.  They were flying with me, in the direction I was heading, until I came upon this entire flock of crows.  I mean, like at least 60 or 70 of them, with dozens more flying in.  Mafia style.  Crows are really dramatic, in case you don't know.  And Italian?  They can apparently hear each others calls from miles and miles away - who knows how they determine who they're going to help, and who they're going to hurt, but when one starts freaking out, they all come flying in to help it.  In fact, there's a whole array of calls that this dude has figured out:  http://www.crowbusters.com/begtechn_dc.htm

(That link made me laugh a lot.  I really want to give my Brewer's the "Rally" call, but I think it may be too late.  They need a "Distress" one...)

Anyway, these stupid crows had me thinking about how God has designed us to be in community with one another.  It's so random, but sometimes one of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for help.  It's amazing to me that an obnoxious bird has it down better than I do.  It's also amazing how many people are willing to help when you do ask.  They come in from miles and miles.  What is also amazing is how much joy I receive when I allow others to help me.  And how much joy I receive when others ask me to help them, and I am able to.  The littlest things make such a big difference in others lives. 

Leave it to birds to remind me of something so simple.

: )

Take.

You know, I usually don't like the word "take" because, generally, it implies selfishness.  Tonight I am being selfish; though difficult, I need to take it.  I need to take heart.

Thank you, oh Lord, that we can worship you.  Thank you that you cast no shadow.  Thank you that you heal.  Thank you that we have hope because of you.  Thank you that you love us even when we fail.  Thank you for being with us in the midst of all of our feelings, through joy and pain.  Thank you for being patient with us when we lose courage, when we lose heart.

It's seven minutes long, but I would really encourage you to watch this video.  It's sort of cheesy, and seven whole minutes long, but you can watch it while you make and eat breakfast, brush your teeth, during commercials, or while you fold laundry.  For seven minutes.  It's worth it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MfBQ30Ta9w  Or, take three and read the lyrics.

Take Heart  

by: Hillsong United

There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failures
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

Jesus' skin wasn't white, but you get the idea.

You're the plant.  ; ) 

Old.

  I didn't really realize how much of a complex I have about aging until about the last couple of weeks or so.  My trusty friends pointed out that I have been talking a lot about age, and you know?  They're right.  I have been.  I'm hung up on it because I am getting older.  Haha, and so are they.  I turn 25 in exactly four months to the day.  February 9th.  1987.  (Good year.)  I had this goal for myself that I was going to write in this space everyday of October, leading up to that fateful day where I got to ride in an ambulance.  Good follow-through, huh. 

This week, I feel like the word "trust" has been on the forefront of my mind, and on the tip of my tongue.  I have had a lot of opportunities to share what I've learned from my God over the last year.  Ironically (or not so ironically), it's what we talked about in church this morning.  Trust.  And, I'm pretty sure our dear pastor dove into trust in the midst of suffering.  (And this is not to say that I have any real comprehension of how to trust God in the midst of suffering, but it definitely hit a raw nerve.)

Jesus, right after Judas had betrayed him, but before he was ripped away like a criminal, from his disciples (the ones he loved), said this, "Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, trust also in me.  In my Father's house there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you."

The part that is funny to me is that Jesus knows what's about to go down.  Judas (someone who served alongside of Jesus, and someone Jesus loved and trusted) made the decision to betray.  To betray what he knew was good and right.  And Jesus is here, speaking peace not to himself, but to his disciples!  "Do not let your hearts be troubled."

What I've found myself wondering is if I really trust the Lord with my age. 

Mark Twain once said, and I'll never forget this, "Age is an issue of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."  

Well, Mark Twain.  Here's my question for you: what if it does matter?  What if you are staring down at a major milestone in life, and all of sudden it matters.  A lot.  Hmmm?  What if your age matters?  What if YOU were going to be a QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD?  Yeah.  Uh-huh, twenty-five.  What now, Mark Twain?  What now.  Ugh.  

I hate it that it is bothering me this much, that I really could be that vain and worrisome over something as silly as a number.  Which, by the way, other people place emphasis on, not God.  The pressure comes from myself, and what I allow to influence my way of thinking.  Man!  I'm feeling the pressure!  Grrrrr!

People are born every day, and people die every day, and you know what?  People break their legs every day.  People ride in ambulances everyday.  People go to physical therapy every day.  People get casts taken of everyday.  Just ask Rosa, the wonderful cast lady that I get to see tomorrow, who puts on like 28 casts PER DAY.  Nothing that I have experienced in the last year is new.  None of it. 

In fact, people get life-long illnesses everyday, and find out that they have cancer everyday, and not only fall great distances but are paralyzed.  Everyday!  This happens.  Some of those same people cry everyday, wishing that they could actually sleep well for one night, but their medicines give them nightmares and make them itchy, and make all their hair fall out, and they don't know if they're ever going to see their kids or parents again.  Everyday.  

Every single day.  

Someone enters the world and starts breathing, and someone stops.  At one point in my life I would have said that this was beautiful, a part of the "rhythm of life".  No.  It sucks.


Before you start shaking your head at me, or call me "intense", or think that I've been watching too much Lie To Me or Bones, or that I take life too seriously (I don't, I promise I laugh - I spent much of this weekend laughing & celebrating.  And DANCING....) I will have you know that this is reality.  

So, take a deep breath, and know that I'm not always this intense.  Just right now.  And...maybe when I DANCED.  That was a little intense.

This is a reality that I am learning more about because guess what?  I'm only 24.  I am learning about realities of the world which I have refused to face for the last 24 years.  Realities that I haven't been able to face because of the development of my brain, and the maturity of my heart.  Realities that I just didn't want to see.  Realities that come because they are built on top of other realities and are all tangled up in one realityweb.  

God knows what we are able to bear.  He knows how much we can handle.  He has been so gentle with me, with my faint heart, and my ignorant and oh-so-sensitive soul.  There is no other place that I know of where I can release these things, surrender all, and know deep down that they will be safe.  He has lead me into the wilderness, but he has not abandoned me.  If it were not so, he would have told me.

He has not abandoned you.  He has not abandoned us.  He has not abandoned the people that are currently receiving the news mentioned above.  He has not abandoned the very people in the same exact room that I occupied at Froetdert, or in the trauma unit where I could hear people screaming in pain across my hall.  He has not abandoned us.

I find myself so emotional this evening, partly because it's October, and there is this weird stigma attached to it these days.  The smell in the air, and the colors that draw me into the presence of my Creator.  It's not tainted, but there is this weird feeling.  I'm nostalgic at heart, and I have thought a lot about what's happened in the last year.  Part of my emotional vomiting is because my heart is so full, and I am so thankful for the experiences I've had.  For the friends and families that have walked (and wheeled) alongside of me.

Above all else, I am thankful this evening for a God who has displayed (and is displaying, and will always display) his wonderful love and beauty to not only me, but to the world.  The song of a different season is being sung, and I can't help but tap my toes, and sing along.  The trees keep perfect time - they are on fire.

I have my last doctor's appointment tomorrow.  It's been a year.  And, I'm freaking out.  I thought I would be able to just be cool about it.  Calm, cool, and collective.  But, in true Catie-style, I desire coolness and am left lacking.  So.

This is where I am.  This is where I am at this moment, in this day.  Heck, tomorrow I'll probably be in a completely different place, but thank you for allowing me to share where I'm at.  

I am going to end this blog this month.  Not today, but soon.  Who knows who's even reading it...(I'm pretty sure that my giant poop story was a topic of discussion at a wedding last night...), but thank you for allowing me to share some of my joys with you.  Some of my burden, some of my discovery.  Thank you for reading.  And listening.  Not only to me, but to Him.  I hope his voice is louder than mine.  

Or softer.  Whichever speaks to you, wherever you are at.

Pace.

It feels like old times to me this evening.  Old times in the sense that it's 12:34 and I am wide awake.  I accidentally fell asleep at 7:30p while putting HJ to bed.  (In case you don't know, HJ is the 3-year-old that I have the privilege of living with.)  I used to do that all the time when I first entered the recovery stage.  It seems like such a long time ago.

I spent much of this afternoon thinking about my pace of life.  Isn't your pace of life so important?  I was reflecting upon the many, many ways that I have been encouraged by HJ and her parents in the last months.  I don't know if I could have moved back to Milwaukee if it hadn't been for them.  Their ability to give of their time and energy in such a self-sacrificial way has been an example to me.  The transition back to this city has been difficult, but it has been good.  So much has changed in the last three months.  I mean, I really have only been back here for three months!

This is crazy to me.  Like when you are watching a movie in 1.5 speed, slow enough to hear everything, but fast enough that you feel like you are saving a few precious minutes of your life.  And then, you accidentally hit the wrong button, and the movie goes into slow motion.  So, you try to compensate by fast forwarding again, and you miss the entire scene.  Then you have to rewind it, and you're back where you started.

I feel like this is a picture of my life.  I remember clinging to every door jamb and table to walk to my room when I first moved in.  I remember spending countless nights sobbing in my bed, wondering if I would ever be able to do the things I was doing before I fell.  Without having to think about it.  I remember my first time leading worship at Redeemer Church and looking for a railing before I did.  I remember the first time that I felt like I was walking normally.  I remember when I first ran with the kids I get to take care of each day.

Today I didn't need the railing at church, and after having lunch with friends, I walked around the entire Milwaukee Zoo.   It was there that I realized what I was doing.  I was actually passing people as I walked.  I love walking quickly, and it was so surreal today to step back and realize what I was actually doing.

A lot can happen in three months, apparently.

People often ask me if my legs still hurt, and I'm not really sure if I give them a good answer.  I mean, sometimes my left foot hurts, and sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes I push myself really hard, and I'm fine.  Sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I don't push myself very hard at all, and my foot hurts.  It's weird.  I don't really feel like the weather changes anything, but maybe it does.  Who knows.  The gas station man down the street thinks I'm crazy because some days I'll pop in, and I practically run up to him to get my free Brewer's ticket stamp.  Other times I limp in.  He said to me yesterday, "I thought your foot was better!?"  I showed him a flip flop and said, "Bad choice of shoes today."  Then I left.  He thinks I'm nuts, I tell you.  I am, for wearing flip flops.

I do not pace myself very well.  And then there are paces of life that I cannot control.  Fall is quickly upon us.  School starts for my sisters this week; they are Juniors in HS this year.  The other sister is back in Texas.  I start a new job a week from tomorrow.  I look at my life, and I wonder how on earth I got here.  It feels very surreal to be entering another season, especially when that season is fall.  It's almost ten months since I fell.

I miss writing in this little blog everyday.  I miss the pace of life that I had when I set aside time each day to spend communing with the Lord, reflecting on where I was in each moment.  I find that where I thought I would continue, I have not.  I haven't journaled in what feels like weeks.  I confess that I have not spent enough time communing with the Lord on a regular basis.

I came across this passage tonight, from the tail end of Romans 8:

^"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?...Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  No... For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  

As you and I enter into this new day, this new season, may we commit our pace to this Christ Jesus.  May everything that we say and do revolve around His love for us and for all people.

Up.

Guess what?  

I'm still awake.  I have no clue what has gotten into me, but I am feeling particularly feisty right now.  Something happens to me after 11:35pm.  I feel like I can talk forever.  I think it will just be so great to never have to go to sleep.  I'm really looking forward to heaven.  And talking there.  And speaking in every single language by speaking in one.  Laughter is what I call it now, but there it will be perpetual and never-ending and I can make up words and talk with run-on sentences, and my conversation with Jesus will never end.  I hope I can make him laugh.

I had a doctor's appointment today with Supermarks.  My doctor cracks me up.  He wears the cheesiest, coolest ties in the world, and he totally pulls them off.  I remember every one of them.  Today it was bright pink plaid with a hint of clownishness to it.  He has a firm handshake, and I feel like he's telling me the truth, even when I know he's withholding information behind smiling eyes.  For instance, this morning his assistant told me that I had arthritis developing in my left foot (which, frustratingly, surprised nobody but me.  I don't want pity, but I felt like, "Why did everyone but me know this was going to happen this soon?").  He didn't say anything about it at all until I mentioned it, so it must not be a big deal.  Someone asked me today, "So, what can you do about it?"  I was like, "Not eat red meat."

That's where I'm at.  I am no longer to eat red meat, and I am to consume Calcium and Vitamin C like a ravenous herbivore.  Just call me Brontosaurus.  I found Kale at Woodman's tonight for $.79 cents.  Cha-ching!  Let's you and me use it to star in Arthassic Park.  Our Kale can be a long-extinct species of plant that we find while foraging next to Alan & Ellie.  Then we can morph into Power Rangers and steal their Jeep.  Singing the Darkwing Duck theme song.
 
Speaking of Darkwing Duck, I joined a gym.  *sigh*  Selfishly and oh-so-pridefully, I hate admitting it.  All my life I have felt like working out is for losers.  (Sorry.)  I've always been just a little bit fat, and I've mostly always been okay with it.  My friend says being pudgy makes you approachable.  Secretly, this notion is what I have used to justify my flab for the last several years, but I have realized the error of my ways.  Being a little bit fat makes it a lot of bit hard to walk on an arthritic foot.  I have submitted to the fact that my body now stores 20 extra pounds post-beddom.  The saddest part is that everyone's first reply is, "Really?  You can't even tell!"  *insert gym membership joining here*  Yes, I've said it, my weight has gone up by 20 stupid numbers, and I look the same as I did October 30th.

So.  Moving on.  There is this magical machine called an, "eliptical" (not to be confused with "ellipse" or "moon shape" or "geometry"), and it has worked it's magicalness on my foot.  I'm finding that it is quite satisfying to do something that accelerates my heart rate, and to be able to do it quickly.  My foot is noticeably looser.  Imagine that!  Superwoman was right!  Poor woman.  She would be so disappointed that I wasn't doing my band exercises either.  I got in trouble for that today.  : /  I am also finding out as a gym member how self-absorbed and conscious I can be.  I walk into the gym and my first thought is, "Everybody is looking at me."  Which is stupid.  And untrue.  And extremely narcissistic.  Except for maybe when I look up and see someone gawking at the sexy red line down my right leg.  And the sexy sweat building up on my back after .35 miles.  I just mouth, "Shark attack", and they look away with wide eyes as they mouth, "Shark attack" to their running buddy.  Apparently, sharks these days have very straight teeth.  Little do they know that I was really kicked by a vicious kangaroo.  They have really sharp claw talons.

As I was sitting on my doctor bench today crinkling the toilet paper tissue paper printer paper mixture beneath my butt, telling part of my story (kangaroo included) to a doctor (in residency), I almost lost it.  The recent story of the man dying at the Ranger's game, (after falling 20 feet) kept floating around in my brain.  I can't imagine what his family is going through; he was trying to catch a baseball for his young son.  That was with him at the game.  I tried to explain to this doctor that I can't take any credit for the way that my legs and feet have healed.  I kept thinking: "I'm never going to see this man again, and I don't want to verbally vomit on him.  Should I try to explain to him that Jesus is the one that deserves it?"  The story of the girl my age falling down two stories and dying (the same weekend I fell) then snuck in.  He looked and looked and looked at my initial x-rays until he found a side view of my talus bone that I never seen before.  My initial reaction was: Yuck.  Then: Whoa.  It looks like a firework.  Then: Ouch.  Then:  Whoa.  Then, he looked at the fuzzy arthritis picture.  Me: It will be okay.  All I could do was look up to keep the tears from streaming down my face.  

This morning, as I waited in line to see my doctor, I looked out the 5th floor window of the hospital.  Over the entire stretch of the city, all the way to the Brewer's Stadium, there was a beautifully large storm...well...brewing.  Twenty feet of light seemed to peek through the clouds, right on the horizon, blazing through in all of its orange and red and purple glory like an artist had streaked a canvas with one brush stroke.  It seems a little silly to read so much into it, but it was overwhelmingly powerful to me.  I am blessed to be able to walk from the hospital to the parking garage, enjoying the rain drops on the way out.  I am truly thankful to be alive, even when so many storms brew over my head.  I am a reflection of the image of my Creator, and I am reminded of my need to stop.  To laugh.  To cry.  To take care of myself.  To reflect.  To praise Him for what he has done, what he is doing, and what he is yet to do.  To remember to look up.  

There's absolutely no way I can summarize this passage, or explain the truth it speaks to my heart.  I hope it's an encouragement to you, wherever you are at on your journey, friend. 

Psalm 111

Praise the LORD!
I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart,
In the company of the upright and in the assembly.
Great are the works of the LORD;
They are studied by all who delight in them.
Splendid and majestic is His work,
And His righteousness endures forever.
 
He has made His wonders to be remembered;
The LORD is gracious and compassionate.

He has given food to those who fear Him;
He will remember His covenant forever.
He has made known to His people the power of His works,
In giving them the heritage of the nations.
The works of His hands are truth and justice;
All His precepts are sure.  
They are upheld forever and ever;
They are performed in truth and uprightness. 
He has sent redemption to His people;
He has ordained His covenant forever;
Holy and awesome is His name.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom;
A good understanding have all those who do His commandments;
His praise endures forever.