Present.

Life is full of decisions.  Not new information, I know.  Your friends always told/tell you to hurry up and make them (or not), your parents always told/tell you to make good ones (or not), you put pressure on yourself to not screw up (or not)...you know, decisions.  Informed, immediate, irreplaceable.

I feel like all my life I have not trusted myself to make the right decisions.  This has been affirmed repeatedly as I ask my parents really goofy questions that start with, "Should I...Can I...Will I...?"  And they look at me like, "Did you really just ask us if you can use your crutches?"  (I thought they would slip in this particular instance.)  I just don't think before I ask things sometimes.  One of the most embarrassing memories I have takes place in seventh grade.  In social studies.  I, apparently, asked too many stupid questions and my teacher got so frustrated with me.  Turns out I didn't hear him say the answer to this question before I had asked it.  Or it really was a dumb question. 

One of the reasons I decided to be a teacher.
And one of the reasons I got a hearing aid two months later.

One of the things I feel so thankful for this evening is the fact that we can ask God so many different questions without having to feel stupid.  "God, are you real?  What am I supposed to believe?  Who am I?  Who are you?  What do you want for my life?  What am I overlooking?  Where do you want me to go?  Can I trust you?  What is the truth?  How does what I hear apply to my life?  Father, what does that mean?  Do you really mean that the way I think you do?  How can we practice this better?  Am I limiting you when I think this way?  How am I going to do that?"

He has taught me that there is no such thing as asking too many questions, but there is such a thing as not listening to the answer.  Thankfully, he is teaching me to truly, truly listen.  It has been an on-going, year-long after year-long process.  And I'm pretty sure he will continue to teach me for the rest of my life.  I'm excited.  And nervous.  But mostly excited.  Because the best part?  He's in control of the rest of my life too.  These verses are some of my favorites:

"Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”  Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." -John 4:12-14

I have decided that in the next days/weeks/months, I want to continue to strive to be.  Not Black-Eyed Peas style, but Imma be present, with my eyes wide open, and the ears of my heart ready to listen, to listen, to listen to my Father.  I want to be focused on being in the here and now, in the moment, ready to share & learn about Jesus.  Not panicking about or fearful of tomorrow.  In the words of James Hunter, faithfully present.

Risky.

So, all of the chocolate I got yesterday is pretty much gone.  I went on a sugar rampage, and I've justified it because I can walk now.  You know, "exercise".  Because taking 25 steps in a day definitely cancels out the 75plus grams of sugar I've consumed.  And it's confession time, apparently.

Plus, I probably took more than 25 steps.  My friend Bowgirl took me to Starbucks in HER CAR (where I may or may not have consumed more liquidy chocolate...yikes.) Yup, that's right.  I've officially graduated from the mini-van.  I'm taking some exciting steps this week, my friends.  I rode in the front seat, I used my crutches in public...it was beautiful.  I had a mini-freak out moment when I got to the curb, and I just had to stop.  I've never climbed up stairs or curbs with crutches before, so I had to re-route to the ramp.  For some reason, climbing down them is way easier than climbing up.  It's interesting to me because I always thought that I was someone who was okay with taking risks, but I'm realizing more and more how panicky I can get.  Especially when the risk of falling over is so high.  And in front of people.  Ugh.

I'm reading "The Celebration of Discipline" right now (great book), and I'm learning so much from Richard Foster.  He has such a cool story, and I appreciate the clarity that he brings to so many spiritual disciplines.  (For those of you who aren't familiar with spiritual disciplines, they are not magical things.  Foster describes them as, "a means of recieving God's grace.  They allow us to place ourselves before God so he can transform us."  SD's include things like fasting, confession, solitude, or meditation.  You know, just in case you were wondering...)  One of the things I came across this evening was the same thing that Bowgirl was excited about in Starbucks today (she read this paragraph & also liked it...) 

"What we see over and over again [in the book of Acts] is God's people learning to live on the basis of hearing God's voice and obeying his word.  This, in brief, forms the biblical foundation for meditation (only one of many spiritual disciplines...), and the wonderful news is that Jesus has not stopped acting and speaking.  He is resurrected and at work in our world.  He is not idle, nor has he developed laryngitis.  He is alive and among us as our Priest to forgive us, our Prophet to teach us, our King to rule us, our Shepherd to guide us."

Sometimes obedience to God can seem risky.  Sometimes it is costly, and sometimes it is scary.  Sometimes I just want to scream because I'm so frustrated by something, and sometimes I can whine more than a two-year-old.  But when I enter into a place where I can hear God's voice, and circle back to the why (even thought it's not always completely clear), I find strength.  I find courage.  I find hope.  Not in myself, but in God's presence; he provides those things for me.  I'm so thankful that he has a better memory than I do.

(And if you are wondering how the heck I "hear God's voice", you should read the Celebration of Discipline.  It starts with wanting to hear from him, and desiring a candid relationship with him.  When we create space in our hearts & in our minds & in our lives to truly listen, God speaks.  Clearly.  Softly, but clearly.  The Bible calls it a "still, small whisper" (1 Kings 19:12)...)

I'm looking forward to practicing more of these spiritual disciplines as I continue reading through this book, mostly because I am anxious to hear God's voice more clearly in my life.  I'm so thankful for the ways that he is already doing so, and the ways that he has spoken to me already.  I so long to know where he wants me to go next, and I am so thankful for his continued faithfulness toward me.  He is so worth the risks.

Familia.

What.  A beautiful day.  It's amazing to me how much difference the sun can make in a day.  The days are getting longer, and I feel like the hope of Spring is arriving.  I'm so thankful!  One of the things that I am also so thankful for in the last few months has been being able to spend time with my grandma.  A handful of years ago she was diagnosed with IBM (Inclusion body myositis...not to be confused with IBS), and in order to see my twin sisters more often, she moved up to Illinois from Texas last summer.  That's when I knew that she really loved us because she sacrificed sun & warmth for...well...Illinois winters.  I came as part of a surprise bonus package in October.  

Anyway, we got to hang out today for Valentine's Day.  We ate breakfast together, we played rummy, we talked politics...the lady is a hoot.  Our Monday routine usually includes a visit to the chiropractor too, and our day was concluded with sharing a burrito at Chipotle.  Best V-Day ever!  She was one exciting date.

Just another way that God has continued to bless me while my legs continue to heal.

I came home & my parents had made me a Valentine's Day goody-bag complete with chocolate and...Doritos?  Yes, Doritos - a rare delicacy in the Wollard household.  Mine are gone.  And, no, you are never too old for goody-bags.  I just kind of sat there this evening looking around at my well-lit (thank you, Lord) house...my new puzzle I'm working on, my little goody bag, my flowers from my birthday, my empty diningbedroom...I have been blessed beyond measure.  I mean, I probably have less than a month left in this house - which is so exciting.  But, at the same time, I have treasured the simplicity I've had here, & the warmth that I've felt.  I have so much to be thankful for.  So so much.


I have been given so many little presents over the last 12 years of following Jesus, let alone the last 12 weeks.  One gift that I truly treasure is the gift of singleness, which may be a little random, and may come as a surprise to some.  I have been single my entire life, and I have an inkling that I will probably be single for a while longer; I celebrate it.  Not in a "I-don't-need-no-man" way, but I can celebrate the fact that Jesus is what completes me. No doubt some of you may be wondering, "How does this fit into your healing process?  Are you trying to work Valentine's Day into this post?  Come on.  Seriously?"  Don't worry.  I thought that too at first...Valentines's Day may have sparked the thought, but that's not why I'm writing about my relationship status.  

One of the many blessings that I am counting this evening is the blessing of my family.  All throughout this day I have been able to soak up so many moments with them.  I have been able to be with my younger sisters, and able to pester them with pinches & kisses.  Weird combo, I know.  I've been able to laugh with my mom and dad, which I try to make them do a lot.  It's not too difficult for me.  It's kind of my job... : )  I spent the whole day with my super-smart grandma...and then we all ate dinner together.  I mean, I'm not trying to push the whole picture-perfect-nuclear-family image - all families look differently, and not all have the same workings.  Today was a good day for me though, one reason being that I am blessed by my family; they are one of the many reasons that I can count my singleness & my broken legs a huge blessing.  Not everyone has this blessing, and I do not take it for granted.  And we certainly aren't perfect; I would venture to say that each family member would be the first to tell you that.

I can truthfully say though that even if I did loose every family member, I can rest in the fact that each of them has committed their lives to Jesus, and acknowledged that he is all we need.  He is all I need.  When I first became a Christ-follower, my parents bought me a purity ring that had Solomon 2:16 on it, written in Hebrew.  I lost it.  And then I lost the replacement.  (I was kind of scared that it was a "sign", but so far, so good.)  The verse, however, always stuck with me.


"My beloved is mine and I am his..."

Song of Solomon is such a wonderful book in the Bible.  It is a broken-up conversation between a man, a woman, and their friends.  I used to think that it was only for married people, or girls who loved romance, but I couldn't have been more wrong.  Some might argue that it's a little too graphic to be described as the relationship between Christ & the church, but I think that it is just that; a picture of the way that Christ so passionately & descriptively loves us.  When I first became a Christian, I was just so blown away by the fact that Jesus called me, "His." And that I could call Jesus, "Mine."  I still am blown away by that.  And I'm thankful that the meaning of it continues to grow deeper as I get to know him more and more.  He continues to lavish his love upon me, and I could not have a bigger smile on my face, nor more joy in my heart...

The lover says of her beloved:

 "All night long on my bed
   I looked for the one my heart loves;
   I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
   through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
   So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
   as they made their rounds in the city.
   “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”

Scarcely had I passed them
   when I found the one my heart loves.
(I would add an exclamation point here, little missy! 
Pursuing and then finding Jesus is exciting!)

I held him and would not let him go...

...Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
   by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
   until it so desires."

-Song of Solomon 3:1-5

Progress.

I got six words for you:

I am sleepin' upstairs tonight, kids.

Elihu.

I just read a little bit of Job.  I don't know how I ended up there, but I somehow did.  Maybe it was my subconscious...I don't know.  I think I have been having a pity party the last few days.  It was highly unnecessary for me to do so; I somehow lost focus of Jesus, not just in the moments when I fell over (multiple times), but in the moments afterward.  

So I ended up in Job, and I remembered a paper I wrote in college on Job's four friends.  They all have Old Testamenty names: Zophar, Eliphaz, Bildad, & Elihu.  If you don't know the story of Job, he is a man that respects God, and tries to live the life God wants him to.  God allows everything to be taken away from Job: his kids, his flocks, his status...everything (except his wife...)  Anyway, Job is talking these friends several chapters later in the book, and each friend responds to him somehow.  In fact, each friend has a chapter of their own: the first three friends ask questions of Job (very critically I must say - they sort of attack him), and Job responds (at length.  I'm summarizing a great deal here.)  Then you get to the end of the book, and you finally hear the fourth friend, Elihu, after the three friends and Job have gone back and forth:


"So these three men stopped answering Job, because he was righteous in his own eyes.  But Elihu son of Barakel the Buzite, of the family of Ram, became very angry with Job for justifying himself rather than God. He was also angry with the three friends, because they had found no way to refute Job, and yet had condemned him. Now Elihu had waited before speaking to Job because they were older than he. But when he saw that the three men had nothing more to say, his anger was aroused."  Job 32:1-5

After this passage, Elihu speaks for several chapters to job and his friends.  He had a lot to say to Job & his friends, and he says it in humility, but with great passion.  The titles of these chapters are (Message Version):


God's Spirit Makes Wisdom Possible
God Always Answers, One Way or Another
It's Impossible for God to Do Evil
God Makes His Creation a Classroom
Those Who Learn From Their Suffering


I started blogging this last night, but I couldn't finish because it was too much for me to think about.  But I decided to come back to it, and write about it, because it is kind of a huge break-through for me.  A subtle, but huge breakthrough.


I have been trying to justify myself, rather than God.  I have taken my focus off of him in the last few days, and instead focused on my limitations.  I mean, I'm not even sure I know how to fix my eyes upon Jesus when I can only see my limitations.  And the reason that I have been so emotional about it is because it is a picture that represents so much of my life, especially in the last few years; when I see my limitations, I become fixated on them, rather than on Jesus.


Reading Job last night, and seeing the way that Elihu spoke so much truth into Job's life (and the lives of his friends) was so powerful for me.  In fact, GOD actually uses what Elihu says as a springboard!  There is this huge storm happening in the background, with thunder and lightning, and then, all of sudden, God steps in and confronts Job.  He asks (in a much longer stream than this), "Have you gotten to the bottom of things, Job?  What do you have to say for yourself?"


Job answers.  Do you know what he says?  "I'm ready to be quiet and listen."


God responds again (with such patience...) with (titles) like, "I want straight answers" and "I run this Universe."  God is in control!  Not Job!


Job responds with worship - he has a renewed sense of awe.  The title of his response is, "I babbled on about things far beyond me."


And God accepts his babbling.  His prayer. 


I (Catie) have no idea if any of this makes sense, but it was such a revelation for me, given my stinky attitude over the last couple of days.  I came across this verse in the New Testament after reading all of this last night, (in a forwarded e-mail about Buzz Aldrin & his communion on the moon), and I immediately knew, through all of the repetition, that God was clearly speaking to me.


“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5

Beginner.

"We do not want to be beginners.  But let us be convinced of the fact that we will never be anything else but beginners, all our life!"  - Thomas Merton.

Dear Tom,

I wish you were wrong.

Humbly, and with love,
Catie

Today.  Was another day to glorify my Jesus.  It was, truly, a wonderful day.  Puzzle-building with Mama Berndt, celebrating my mom's birthday, hanging out with some cools peeps at my church - it was such a marvelous day.  Unfortunately, in the very last minutes of the day, my day took a nosedive.

I finally worked up the nerve to try using my crutches again.  I am afraid of them, I'm not gonna lie.  They are hard for me to use.  So when I accidentally took a step backwards, and stepped onto my left foot; my excitement turned to fear.  I had a mini-panic attack & freaked everyone around me out.  You see, this is the same left foot that I'm only supposed to be putting 10% of my weight on (as of yesterday.)  I was scared.

Why is it that I don't like being a beginner?  What is it with me and mistakes?!  Why is grace such a hard concept for me to grasp?  Ugh.  My head hurts.  I dislike the headaches that tears give me, but I feel such a relief.  It's so so so silly - I can't believe I had another meltdown today because I can't figure out how to use my stupid crutches.

Grace.  It's what I have wrestled with from the very beginning.  And I am also a beginner at understanding grace.  I will always be a beginner.  Especially when it comes to understanding God.  But, I am thankful.

Because am I God?  No.  Will my step backwards onto my foot really make that big of a difference?  Probably not.  Am I frustrated that I can't use crutches?  Yes.  Do I need to keep trying?  Yes.  Will I cry again?  Yes.  But God has brought me this far, and I'm pretty sure that he will help me with my next steps.  Literally & figuratively.  Even if they have to be really really really small.  And even when I look like Bambi.

Knit.

My birthday is officially over.  By one minute.  Phew.  It's kind of a relief.  I mean, not be a Debby-downer here, but today was actually kind of rough.  It doesn't help that right now I'm completely exhausted, and I can't sleep  It was an incredibly full and challenging day.  But.  It's over.  I have SO much to be thankful for, even in the midst of trying things...

- A car to drive to Milwaukee in, and one that will run in single digits Fahrenheit.
- Parents that are willing to take a day off to go with me to the doctor.
- Sisters that know how to show me that they love me.
And that they really do.
- Extended family that does the same.
- Friends that remember my birthday.
And love me for who I am.
And see who I can become.
- Insurance.
- Technology.
- Crutches & boots to walk on.
- Gluten-free Betty Crocker cake mix.  And frosting.
- Delicious books to read.  And the ability & time to read them. 
- Clean air to breathe.  And healthy lungs.
- Van parties with three-year-olds.
- HJ & JWo & ChadWo...even though ChadWo couldn't make the van party.
- The fact that my doctor said that my LEFT leg looks "Wonderful!"  He doesn't say that word very often.  He made funny eyebrows last time.  So it actually means that my left leg is healing well, and that the blood is moving back into the damaged area!  Praise God!

I have so much to be thankful for.  Don't I?  I know that not everyone has these things, and I think that today there were so many distractions.  It was hard for me to stay focused on these things because of how many things were coming at me from all directions.  All day.  Not being able to see my friends, and spend time with them.  (When I get back to Milwaukee (Lord willing) I want to have a gigantic party.  From like 9am until 5pm.  Skip work.)  Weird things coming up from the past week that I didn't even realize were happening.  Having to say goodbye to curriculum from my old job.  Which officially means it's over.  Things like miscommunications, and disappointment in my doctor's visit.  I had unrealistic expectations on myself, and pushed my legs way too hard today. 

All these things fade away as I stand in awe this evening.  I actually stood in my own home tonight for the very first time.  I am so glad that God saw it fit to keep me in the world for another birthday, and I'm so thankful for all that he continues to do.  Even when I make mistakes.  Even when I am in pain.  Even when I say stupid, stupid things.  I am most thankful for his love, and that he allows me to show him love in return.  One of my all-time favorite passages is this one:

 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.
- Psalm 139:13-18

I remember the youth retreat I was on when I first heard these verses.  I think I was, like, 13 or 14 at the time.  I remember sitting there and hearing these words, and just sobbing my eyes out.  I was blown away.  These words shook me to the core.  To think that God actually saw me inside my mom's uterus, and that I was fearfully & wonderfully made!  As were you.  Truly, I know full well, and I continue to be blown away.  God's works are wonderful. 

I'm so thankful that God knows how to knit.  And that he knit you and I together.  That we inhabit this time and this space in this moment as human beings.  And that he knew us before we were even a thought.  But, really, we were a thought because he knew us.  God thought of us as he was painting the sky, and carving out spaces for rivers with his fingers.  He thought of us when he realized what his children had done in choosing the knowledge of good & evil on that first fallen day.  He thought of us over and over again as he demonstrated his faithfulness to his people, and he thought of us when he allowed his son to be beaten nearly to death, crucified & spit upon.  He knows how to knit.  His plan is absolutely perfect.  And I'm so thankful for the many places that he's patched up & redeemed in my life, for the design that he has created in my heart.  And for the way that he continues to draw me out & make me his.

Abba, I am so thankful for you.