Obsessed.

I decided today that I'm going to be the first person ever in a perfume commercial while riding in a wheelchair.  Obsession or Obsessed.  Or whatever...it's going to be fluid and awesome. 

Anyway.  So.  Reason number 123 for not breaking both of your legs: when you wheel around your house in your fluid and awesome wheelchair (without stickers - it's a loaner), you bump into the freshly painted walls, leaving very large gashes & black marks.  My poor mother. She worked so hard painting our house, and I come through and ruin the work.  It drives me nuts, because no matter how slow I go, I always bump into something.  And you can always tell.  There's no hiding it.  It drives me absolutely bonkers.  I'm slightly OCD about marks on walls, and I so long to go into the garage late at night so I can sneak the paint in to cover my tracks.  Reason 124 for not breaking both of your legs: so you can go into the garage to get paint.  ; )

My friend Alaina is obsessed with Tim Tebow. I mean, maybe not obsessed, but it's close.  She really really really really likes Tim Tebow.  I hardly know the guy, so I don't have much to say about him, except, "What's not to like?"  I know he loves Jesus, and he obviously has strong muscles because he plays professional football.  That's what she tells me anyway.  I pray for her, that one day she will meet him, and that they will get married.  At first, I thought that was a silly prayer, but after a while, I was like, "You know what?  God hears what we ask him for, and if it's in his will for Alaina and Tim to be married, it'll happen."  So that's what I pray for.  She'll thank me one day.

When myself and others around me asked God in the last weeks to heal my body, to mend my bones, to provide for my family & I, to teach me in the midst of a trying circumstance, and to be drawn closer to Him, he heard those prayers.  I will never forget the story of a Spiel-shining friend: her 7-year-old daughter was sitting in church with her one Sunday.  All of a sudden, out of the corner of her eye, she sees her daughter slide down from the pew unto the kneeler in her church.  She sees her with her little head bowed & eyes shut tight, and the mom said she just knew.  She knew what her daughter was doing.  It moved her, I think.  It moved me.  Later, she asked her daughter what she had been praying for & she told her that she had been "praying for Miss Catie."  Do you know how amazing that is to me?  I have heard more than one story of kids who pray for me.  Do you know how wonderful that is?  Kids are praying for me.  Man, what an honor.  I tell you, I am blessed.

When we talk to God, I think that's how he sees us.  I pray that's how he sees me: with innocent intent, and an honest heart, earnestly eager to talk with him.  Like a child. 

It's been 47 days since I have started my journey as a woman who is unable to walk.  Forty-seven.  Ahhhhh!  I have been able to spiritually walk so much closer to Jesus, to my family, and to many people around me who encourage me.  I find myself able to open up more and more, not only about what God is doing with my broken legs physically, but what he's teaching me & showing me.  It's been an adventure that I wouldn't trade for anything.

It has taught me to ask the Lord for things that I wouldn't normally ask for: that I don't act like a 16-year-old around my 16-year-old sisters, especially in the car, for my neighbors in Illinois, for my doctor's appointment this Wednesday, for the college students from Judson University that sustained leg injuries a month ago from getting hit by a car from behind, a friend of a friend that broke her leg in a car accident, for healing in my grandma, whose legs will not ever work as they were designed to again thanks to a disease called IBM, and for the frustration that not being able to walk normally can bring, the people within my community that have no one to take care of them, encourage them, or be patient with them...these things have been brought to the surface of my life because of where I am at; I'm incredibly thankful.  And God hears.  It's funny, isn't it?  He pulls things into our paths, brings thoughts to our minds, surfaces them in our hearts, and includes us in the process by allowing us to request of him & and be honest with him.

I thankful for him.  I pray that He would be richly blessed.

I'm obsessed with seeing things from a different angle, at all times.  The physical challenges brought into my life have given me a new angle, and it excites me!  It's one of the reasons that I'm obsessed with Jesus Christ; he lived life differently than all other people.  He has opened my eyes wide, ushered me into the presence of the King, and allowed me to use my lips & my life to praise!

David, the author of the Pslams, (whom I've talked about already this week), was obsessed with the Lord.  It was all he could think about, especially when he was hiding out in the back of a cold, dark cave.  Day and night.  All he could think of was God.  I read this recently:

"God - you're my God!
I can't get enough of you!
I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,
traveling across dry and weary deserts.

So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open,
drinking in your strength and glory.
In your generous love I am really living at last!
My lips brim praises like fountains.
I bless you every time I take a breath;
My arms wave like banners of praise to you...

...If I'm sleepless at midnight,
I spend the hours in grateful reflection.
Because you've always stood up for me,
I'm free to run and play.
I hold on to you for dear life,
and you hold me steady as a post."

Mmmm.

It's part of Psalm 63.  If you need a second, take it.  Stop reading now if you need to go think on your own for a little while.  Or, go back and re-read it. 

This Psalm is my anthem.  I am obsessed with the Lord!  He is my God, and I get myself all worked up when I talk about it.  Some nights, my fingers just can't stop dancing across my keyboard.  I can't say enough about him!  I'm free to run and play, drinking in the strength and glory of the Lord...in his generous love, I have finally found life.

Sometimes, when the people in the mall stare at me for especially long periods of time, I want to go up to them and just start telling them what He has done for me.  Do you think they would believe me?  When people say things like, "That's a great way to spend Christmas," I can't help but say, "But it is! I'm free!"  They probably think I'm nuts.  In all actuality, I'm as steady as a post.  I'm obsessed with growing into the likeness of Jesus, and with my arms flailing, my lips full, and my heart filled to the brim, I take this moment to just praise my Heavenly Dad.  He so knows what He's doing.  At all times.

I pray that in each of the 31 entries of this blog so far, that you sense joy.  Man, I so hope you do.  Because I have been filled with it each day, days beyond days described.  Beyond description.  The light that shines from behind my words in this blog is not just any beacon, it is the light of Jesus.  May this light shine brightly into your heart, and may your heart, too, be filled to the brim.

Raw.

I'm watching Man vs. Wild right now.  While listening to Sunday Morning by Maroon 5.  Not even gonna lie.  Love this song a ton.  If you haven't seen Man vs. Wild, you need to go to YouTube right now and type in "Man vs. Wild: Bear meets camel."  Yes, right now.  Go.  You're missin' out if you don't.  Bear goes inside of a camel to get out of a potential sand storm.  And he does other gross things that you just gotta check out.  Talk about poop to the extreme.  And you thought I was bad...

Bear Grylls is one of my life heroes.  I've watched his show from the very beginning, and have been fascinated by the amazing survival skillz this dude has.  I mean, the guy climbed Mt. Everest when he was my age.  He nearly lost his life after falling into a crevasse, but was saved by a teammate & his rope.  Then, he broke his spine in three places after a parachuting accident.  The reason I admire him is that he continues to do those things despite the pain that they have caused him.  I have learned so much from watching him.  There are two things that drive me nuts about his show though: 1) He rock climbs a lot.  Let me rephrase that, he free climbs a lot.  Dozens and dozens of feet with no rope.  My hands seriously sweat every time I watch him do it.  No joke.  They're a little sweaty as I type.  2) He is always eating raw bugs and lizards, etc.  It's revolting!  I'm always thinking, "Why can't you just whip out one of your fires that you are so good at building, and flash fry that nasty thing!?"

For the first time in five years, I had a baked potato with cheese on it.  "Why five years?", you may wonder.  Well.  I'm allergic to dairy, and have known for about five years.  The only reason I can eat this cheese is because it is raw; it has never been pasteurized.  This means that the enzymes in the milk are still alive, which enables my body to digest them.  Weird, huh?  Some people think I'm crazy because I believe Jordan Rubin, and the nutso stuff he says about food.  You will most likely never see me eat a raw bug as big as my thumb.  John the Baptist can have as many locusts as he wants.  I won't judge him, but for me there is no way.  Unless we were both stuck in the middle of the Sahara Desert.  Then all bets are off.  I wonder if I'm allergic to bugs?  Hmmm...

Raw bugs, raw cheese...the word "raw" is a cool word.  When I say it, I think of raw meat.  Which is gross.  I strongly dislike raw meat, much like the rest of the people in my culture.  We are disconnected from having to kill our meat before we eat, and so, I don't like it.  Enough about food.  (Maybe I'm hungry?)  At church this morning, I kept thinking about how raw my nerves were for some reason.  It was an off morning in general, and I had a hard time focusing.  Yesterday my legs were hurting a lot, and I thought it was because I had forgotten to take my medicine, but they were still hurting today.  It's funny how pain can wear your patience thin.  This was one way that God worked through me in spite of myself in the last month and a half; he has taught me patience in the midst of pain.

I couldn't get past it this morning though, and I don't know why.  I just felt raw.  The kind of soreness that you feel when you have a burn or a chaff somewhere.  Raw nerves led to impatience & words not meant, and the day was launched.  We were late to church, (and you cannot possibly sneak in in a stinkin' wheelchair...), I was short with my sister, my wheelchair was mispositioned...you name it.  The morning was redeemed, however, during worship at the end of the service.  "How Great is Our God" is one of my favorite songs.  Then, I was able to wheel into Barnes and Noble to hear my little sister play her violin as part of a fundraiser.  It was up and down from there - beautiful music, self-conscious woman in a wheelchair; accommodating parents, self-conscious woman in a wheelchair; tons of books to read, but bumping into them, creating an even more self-conscious woman in a wheelchair. 

The day was weird, but sweet.  It felt at times like I was being pushed on from all sides, and I haven't felt that in a while.  I'm going soft apparently.  James 1:2-4 offers some encouragement (and can I just say that the things I was "tested" with are so piffy - they are hardly worth mentioning.  Who cares if my pillows are on right?  Who cares if I am wheeling around in a wheelchair bumping into things?  Who cares if my legs are a little bit sore?  Temporary, non-life threatening things.  Not to compare challenges, but we need to remember to pray for people who are truly undergoing tests, challenges, and pressure in such a way that it puts their lives, their comfort, and their will on the line.)

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.  You know that under pressure your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.  So don't try to get out of anything prematurely.  Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

It is not just a gift, but a sheer gift when challenges come our way.  (I can totally relate!  Broken legs is SUCH a gift!)  And, maturity and wisdom are things I so long for right now, but I always try to duck out when the pressure comes my way.  I'm trying so hard to allow where I'm at to shape me, and change the way I think for the better.  In many ways it has.  But when I look ahead, I still have so much farther to go.  It's like looking out at the desert on my own "Woman vs. Wild", and just seeing more desert. 

Thankfully, my water bottle is constantly being filled by God's Word & the wonderful people around me.  Please pray for me, that I continue to find my focus fixed on Jesus, his word, and his purpose for my life; not on myself.  It's hard when your nerves start to become raw, but Jesus is like a sweet, thick balm.  I'm so thankful that he was born.  I'm so thankful to celebrate his birth in the coming weeks, and I'm so thankful to be able to have a real, live, relationship with him.  May he be like a balm in your life this week as well, whether things are wonderful or painful, freeing or challenging, joyous or saddening.  He is there through it all; how great is our God?

Resurrection.

Resurrection: the act of rising from the dead.

Straight to the point.  Right?

I attended a bible study tonight (today being Thursday) at the church I have been attending for the last couple of weeks, and the topic of discussion was Jesus' crucifixion, and resurrection.  I think they are both equally important - without Jesus' crucifixion and death, I would not belong to the family of God.  It's because of his sacrifice that I am able to approach the very throne of God - we spent a lot of time tonight talking about what his death looked like & felt like.  It was a good discussion, I think I too quickly forget just how much pain Jesus endured physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I think though when I find myself reflecting on Jesus' death, I just can't help but get excited when I think about his resurrection.  Sometimes in the church, I think we stop too quickly at just Jesus' death; the momentum that is found in his life, and the fact that he is still alive is sometimes slowed because I'm still stuck thinking about my shame.  There is such hope found in Jesus, because he takes every sin away, because of the model he was for our lives, and because he is still alive!  Do you realize that?  And what a big deal that is?  It's a HUGE claim to be making & believing, but the Bible makes it clear that Jesus is alive.  One of my professors always used to say this: get excited!

David Crowder wrote this amazing book called, "Praise Habit" - I absolutely love it.  Crowder is a worship pastor & musician that has been such an encouragement to me in my life.  I love his unadulterated, completely honest, embarrassingly open love for Jesus.  I read a Psalm in his book today that is traditionally read at Easter by the Greek church.  We're bustin' in out tonight.

The Psalms were written by David, a man that God chose to lead a nation of people.  He started off in feeble means, a shepherd who killed a huge man with a rock - not by magic or power, but because of God.  He became king of all Israel, God's chosen people.  He was called "a man after God's own heart", and yet he made a great many mistakes in his lifetime.  The Psalms are like David's blog; poems, songs, laments, and celebrations that David feels throughout his journey.  Honest, real, up & down emotions.  Even when he's narrowly escaping death, hiding in caves, and has hit rock bottom, he praises God.  Here's Pslam 66:

"All together now - applause for God!
Sing songs to the tune of his glory, set glory to the rhythms of his praise.
Say of God, "We've never seen anything like him!"
When your enemies see you in action, they slink off like scolded dogs.
The whole earth falls to its knees -
it worships you, sings to you, can't stop enjoying your name and fame.
Ever sovereign in his high tower, he keeps his eye on the godless nations.
Rebels don't dare raise a finger against him.

Bless our God, O peoples!
Give him a thunderous welcome!
Didn't he set us on the road to life?
Didn't he keep us out of the ditch?
He trained us first, passed us like silver through refining fires.
Brought us into hardscrabble country, pushed us to our very limit,
Road-tested us inside and out, took us to hell and back;
Finally he brought us to this well-watered place.

I'm bringing my prizes and presents to your house.
I'm doing what I said I'd do,
what I solemnly swore I'd do
that day when I was in so much trouble:
The choicest cuts of meat for the sacrificed meal;
Even the fragrance of roasted lamb is like a meal!
Or make in an ox garnished with goat meat!

All believers, come here and listen;
let me tell you what God did for me.
I called out to him with my mouth,
my tongue shaped the sounds of music.
If I had been cozy with evil,
the Lord would never have listened.
But he most surely did listen,
he came on the double when he heard my prayer.
Blessed be God: he didn't turn a deaf ear,
he stayed with me, loyal is his love."

It's crazy beautiful.  It's crazy true.  It's crazy personal.  Even the snow plows agree with me, their deep dark voices echoing from the streets.  Their song is long and slow, but they sing faithfully through the night, as if a backdrop in agreement to what David has said of our God.  David, the man after God's own heart.

For your defining pleasure, I've listed some definitions of words I don't really understand.  I challenge you to read these, and then go back and look at the words in context. Thanks, Dictionary.com.

Worship: to feel an adoring reverence or regard. 
Sovereign: having supreme rank, power, or authority, character, and importance.
Bless:  To bestow good of any kind upon; to extol as holy; glorify.
Refine: to become pure.

Choicest: something that is preferred or preferable to others; the best part of something.
Listen: to give attention with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing; to pay attention; heed.
Loyal: faithful.   
(Faithful: reliable, trusted, or believed.   
Reliable: dependable in achievement, accuracy, honesty.)

P.S. Definitions, for me, are like LambChop's "This is the Song That Never Ends" - I could go on forever.  Really.  God's character is literally never-ending.  If you feel so led, you should keep defining the things that you don't understand, not just in your mind, but in your heart.

Longing.

The sun shone so brightly today, even if it did set too soon.  I figured out that I can turn my blinds so that the light actually hits me in the face.  It's a beautiful thing.  I feel a strange connection with the sun, and I need it to live.  I could never live in the northern east coast - I would cry everyday.  On cloudy days I would cry because I missed the sun, and on sunny days I would weep with joy.  Here, there is a lot of snow on the ground still, and we're expecting more this weekend.  A lot more actually.  I have this incredible longing to go outside and hear the crunch of it under my feet, and take long, brisk walks in the cold.  Like, I can't even describe it to you.  I love that sound!  I was so excited on the day that it snowed recently, but I found later myself feeling a little sad because I can't crunch it or look back at my footprints.  It's such a weird feeling.

I think I'm just reaching the point in my journey, as someone with two out-of-order appendages, where I feel more myself, but I can't quite act that way.  I keep having dreams where I saw off my casts and start walking around.  I always wake up in a sweat because I'm freaking out inside while I watch myself walk.  Or I'll walk on my casts, and laugh in my dreams.  Bizarre, but true.  And not said for pity, but the longing to walk is so deep - it permeates a lot of different desires.

This feeling of longing is something I have definitely felt before.  A longing to find the right job, a longing to be with people I miss, a longing to fall in love.  I especially feel a longing to be with Jesus.  When I think about heaven, & I envision what it's going to be like to stand, finally, before Jesus, this pit forms in my stomach.  Every time.  I feel so excited when I think about it, and I start to think like a three year old.  You know what I mean, right?  Like, you just want to run into the arms of the people you think are just so awesome, and have them hold you, and kiss you all over, and then put you down and chase you around.  I'm sighing.  I can't wait to stand before him, fall at his feet, and worship him.  To see what he looks like, and have him hold me, and tell me, "Welcome home."

There is this song by a woman named Audrey Assad, called "For Love of You".  The gist of it is that loving Jesus makes her come alive; it's his voice that has her singing out; she's watched him carve streets of gold from sand and gravel.  My favorite part of the song is the bridge:

"You are my deepest longing, and so I see you everywhere; it's you I'm chasing after.  Cause I am captivated by who you are, and how you move, I'll follow you forever."

I just love it.  My bones jump for joy inside my body because it excites me more than anything else has, can, or will in my life.  Chasing after Jesus is fun, exciting, and full of joy.  I also find myself out of breath, and frustrated sometimes because I can't catch him.  I am captivated by the way he lived his life: selflessly, humbly, full of compassion & mercy.  He knew who he was, and who God had created him to be.  He was passionate about God's word, and the things his Father had instructed him to do.  He loved learning, but knew how to ask questions.  He loved kids, and the sick & poor & forgotten.  He was patient and kind to people even when he had said something twenty times.  Literally.  Gentle and just.  Pure, yet willing to step beyond the bounds society had drawn for him.  Patient, yet full of his father's zeal for how life should be lived.

I mean, those aren't just "good things" - those are things that Jesus embodied as a man who really lived.  He really did the things the disciples said he did!  Those are the things that captivate my attention, that make him so attractive to me.  I want those things.  Now.  Today.  Right this second.  But, it takes time to become like Jesus.  Our lives change the second we choose to chase after him, but we have to stop sometimes, and fight off the things that get our feet tangled up, or dump the rocks from our shoes.  Or you break your legs, and you can't run.  But seriously, our lives soon fill up with things that distract us or discourage us because we live in a fallen world.

This is where my deep longing for heaven comes in.  The best part is gonna be that when I get to heaven, and I'm chasing Jesus through beautiful things that my mind can't even imagine, I'll never be out of breath.  I'm gonna tackle him to the ground and give him a huge hug.  As cheesy as it sounds, that's what's gonna go down.

Evolution.

My love of birds is surfacing again.  I got to watch this AMAZING hummingbird special on PBS the other night, and I can't stop thinking about it.  There were hummingbirds with long, light tails, and hummingbirds with crazy crowns that changed colors.  There are hummingbirds that, when they make a particularly large dive (equivalent to that of a dive bomber), their tails make clicking noises that attract a mate.  They captivate me.  They cause me to think about the bigger picture.  They're tiny.   (And!  Wanna see cute babies?  If you have time, go here:  http://www.wolaver.org/animals/babyhummer.htm )

The reason that I really even bring them up is that their migratory patterns are evolving, especially within the last 50 years.  They have evolved to become more dependent on people - the patterns correspond with major feeding areas in the U.S.  Can you believe that?  They can actually remember which houses have hummingbird feeders, and return each year to feed, teaching their babies to do the same.  I don't know whether to think it's cool, or to be afraid for them.  Humans aren't always that dependable, if you know what I mean.

I don't know why dependability is such a big issue for me.  It's not like I was scarred as a kid because my parents were never there for me, and I couldn't count on them for anything.  (It may have been the opposite - I forgot everything at home and had to be rescued a lot.)  They have proved themselves trustworthy many times over.  And, yeah, they've failed too, but my issues come from my own self, not them.  It think it's that I'm insecure about how dependable I feel, and it just bleeds into how I relate to other people.

I'm always afraid of what others are thinking.  I mean, I've done some really really stupid stuff, and it's amazing that anyone would trust me.  What I've actually come to learn in the last weeks is not just how important it is for me to be able to rely and depend on other people, but that I need to continue to learn how to do the same for others.  I can't believe how much I've learned this from communal living in the last year, and I can't even believe how much I've learned in the last five weeks...and how much God continues to teach me. 

With that said (and not to negate any of it), I was able to do so much by myself to day, and I was so excited by it.  It's not that I'm itching to break free of having to depend on others, it just feels good to accomplish several things in one day.  I was in my wheelchair for the majority of the hours that I was awake today!!!  A first.  I was able to go to the bathroom completely on my own, and get back in my wheelchair.  A first.  With no one home.  A first (I'm petrified of falling over while no one is home.)  (I was so glad when my sisters got home.)  It was a day for the books.  Two weeks ago I thought I was going to fall out of my wheelchair when I got in it.  Now I hop in it like a jumpin' bean.  I'm officially getting stronger & feeling so much better. I'm more mobile, and I sure as heck am glad that my family is stickin' around for the long haul because I. Still. Need. Them.

My family has made such a difference in my life, and I'm thankful that they do come home & are willing to help me.  Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever run away.  They are a really good example of what it means to make a difference in the lives of other people; it starts with the little things.  For me, it's lifting my legs as I shift onto the toilet or into my wheelchair, grabbing the cereal box because it's on the highest shelf.  Or just sitting by me because I need company.  Playing a game of Scrabble with me when I get tired of reading and Facebooking.  When I was living in Milwaukee it was doing the dishes or vacuuming the house.

And, I feel so blessed to serve them despite mobility limitations - folding clothes on my lap, looking things up online, playing with the dogs, acting as delivery person when I wheel large amounts of stuff to another room, etc.  Babysitting in the basement. Popping wheelies in my wheelchair as a source of entertainment.  With my legs straight out in front of me.  And doing 360's.  You don't believe me?  Well good.  Because I don't do wheelies.  Yet.

It's the little things.  We depend on one another.   You see, we are designed that way. Jesus talks about this in Matthew 25.  Jesus is talking about how after he returns to the earth for the second time, all of the nations (all people) will stand before him.  He separates the people into two separate groups - one is on his right & one is on his left. 

He says, in verses 34-36, “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  [Which, is, like, ummm...heaven! Par-tay!]  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."

What's funny to me is that the people in this group are like, "Huh?  When did we give you food?  When did I deliver you a blanket?  You were in Chicago, Jesus?  I delivered you that blanket in 14 degree weather?  Wait.  I visited you?  You were in JAIL, Jesus?  When!?"  That's, truly, what I would have said.  We are a literal people.  Jesus, in his infinite patience simply says, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

Man.  It hits me every time.  Because doing the dishes without anyone noticing is a heck of a lot harder than going on a missions trip for me.  Stopping to have a meal with a homeless person, and actually sitting and talking with them in the middle of McDonald's is a heck of a lot harder & humbling & time-consuming than just dropping two bucks in their Coke cup and quickly walking away.  Serving someone that I don't like is soooo much harder than delivering food to the food pantry.  "You want to make a difference in someone's life?  Stop trying to change the world, and serve the person that's sitting right next to you.  Literally."  That's what I have to say to myself every day.  Every day.  It's taken me a long time to learn this, and it's an evolution that has been on-going since I stepped into a relationship with Jesus.  It won't stop until my eyes are closed forever.

We so depend on one another, and yet we struggle to meet the needs of the people around us.  We're selfish.  It's dirty.  It's embarrassing.  It's hard.  It's time-consuming.  It's not what I planned!  It's frustrating.  It's deeply humbling.  You won't always be in the right.  You will have to make intimate sacrifices.  You'll see gross things.  Other people will see your gross things.  I don't know!  You name it!  Submitting ourselves (making ourselves less) to the "least of these" is sometimes difficult.  But it's something to be praised - by the very lips of Jesus.  My question is, Who are "the least of these" in my life?  In your life?  Who are the "least of these?"

Jesus goes on in this passage to talk to the group on his left.  He tells them to depart from him.  Maybe they hoarded their wealth - may not in money, but in time, talents, and things that they treasured.  Or money.  Maybe they served one another, but it wasn't in love.  Maybe they served, but it was to gain good standing with God.  Maybe they served one another, but only because it was convenient at the time.  Maybe they served one another, but it was to impress the people around them.

This group is left asking the same question of Jesus, but in their heads, they must have been thinking about it differently.  Something like, "I gave money to church, God, I donated more than once.  Homeless people need to get a job, I worked hard for my money.  You seriously expect me to hug someone that smells?  God, I didn't have time for that, you know I didn't.  I gave my clothes to Goodwill...when I was done with them, that counts for something.  Didn't you see those things God? I deserve some credit here."  I catch myself thinking this way.  Often.  My selfish nature is always trying to pull me back to where I once stood: alone.  Self-reliant.  Without Jesus. 

In the Bible, they ask the same exact question of Jesus.  The same one.  But it's from a completely different perspective.  Jesus replies, "Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me."  He tells them to go away.  I can't imagine hearing that from Christ. To my knowledge, Jesus has only ever said that to the teachers of the law (because they were selfish, hard-hearted, and cared only about power), and the demons.  Sadly, they have to leave him forever, and that breaks my heart.  I can't imagine having to leave Jesus, and be separated from him forever.

The little things turn out to be big things.  Our love towards others is not evaluated at work, how we act when others aren't looking isn't assessed, but how we think of people that we deem "beneath us" is what is important in Jesus' mind.  And now we find out that He's keeping track of how we loved others.  "Changing the world", "world peace", "making a difference"...none of these things come in a day or in ourselves.  They are found in Jesus alone.  And he doesn't ask for a grandiose performance, or for us to look for charity cases; he asks us to commit our lives to him.  Learn from him.  Serve the lease of these meekly, humbly, and lovingly.  Slowly, we evolve into his likeness.  It's a long, long, life-long process, but it's what is what Jesus has told us.  Because it's what God wants.  And we have help along the way.

Panic.

I somehow acquired 12 viruses on my computer this evening, and the first thing I said?  "Dad!!!"  He's my computer hero.  He always saves the day.  Turns out all I had to do was run a virus scan, and they would disappear.  Sadly, I did not know that.  I guess it's because I've never had one.  All I saw was a flashing "Warning! Your computer has been infected" sign on my screen, and I was screaming.  It was an intense moment to say the least.  And, I don't think I'll ever own a Mac, so let's stop saying the word "virus", or it might spread.

I actually haven't felt that kind of panic in a while.  At least a month.  It was something very silly to start freaking out about, but I got a laptop recently as a graduation gift & I'm in hyper-sensitive mode.  I've been wiping it down with Windex & smooth pieces of cloth.  You would think it was a small child.  And, yes, I've used Windex on small children before. ??  It only took a blinking sign to get me all out of sorts for a full two minutes.  The crisis was averted though.  Panicky feeling is gone.

I think it's funny how I sometimes function that way.  Life will be moving in one direction, something will happen (or not happen), and I'm left saying, "Dad!!!"  God is such a patient dad.  It's not like there's only a certain number of times we can call on him for help, or in frustration, or in moments of joy, and happiness. 

I happen to love birds.  I really really like birds, and I love trying to identify them.  My MeeMaw used to send my mom "Birds & Blooms" every month - all of the articles were written by, like, eighty year old men and women.  I would read that magazine from cover to cover in one sitting, and feel like a million bucks afterward.  I love it that the Bible talks about birds, I love it that Matthew talked about birds - I hope that we get to birdwatch together in heaven.  Birds were a large part of the Jewish culture because they were required for different things such as covenants or sacrifices.  Matthew mentions them in reference to being seen by God:

Matthew 6:26
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

I love it that God is so interested in the things that happen in our lives in the everyday moments.  Not just when big things happen to us, the big decisions we have to make, or the big falls that we take, but in the moment to moment things.   There is no amount of fame or fortune that can make us more valuable to God - we are already very valuable to him.  I think the hard part is not just hearing that, but living that way.

Do I consider myself valuable because he does?  Not necessarily.  I should, but I don't always.  There are moments when I accomplish something, and instead of immediately thanking God, I sort of look at him and say, do you like me more now?  Am I worth more now?  In my own mind I am, but that is not the mindset of God.  We are valuable to him at all times, so much so that he paid a high cost for us: the death of his son.  We are of great worth to God.  It gives me a great reason not to panic in life.  : )

Down.

My internet has been down for, like, four hours.  Ohmygosh, what is the world coming to!?!  So now that puts me up at 1:09am, writing away.  I had to stop myself from clicking the little Fox-that-is-magically-wrapped-around-the-entire-world button.  Like, eight times.  I kept going to do the same thing: check my e-mail, check my Facebook, listen to music.  Habits.  They're hard to die.  (Where did that gigantic fox come from anyway?  I mean think about the proportions of that Firefox.  I know God doesn't wear it as a scarf because, well, God wouldn't do that.  For himself anyway.  For Adam and Eve he did it.)

Anyway.  I digress.  "Today" is Sunday, and it was a very relaxing day.  I was able to visit with a very dear friend, Jodi, and her two boys Z & T.  I have known them for almost 10 years, which is a really long time.  What an impact they've had on my life.  And, they left me Gassy Gus - only the coolest game ever invented.  I show it to every little kid that comes to visit me, and some adults too.  You pump his head up and down a handful of times (filling his stomach...a balloon), and it has gas!!  Best game ever.  Some kids don't think it's that funny.  A lot of adults don't either.  I just tell them to lighten up.  Live a little, right?

That's what I was saying as I was heading down into the basement this weekend on a blanket and a board to hang with some kiddos while my parents, and their amazing small group coaches, got "down" at a Christmas shindig upstairs.  Oh man.  You should have seen me coming back up.  It was well worth it: the change of scenery, the wonderful time babysitting, the laughs.  What I'm incredibly thankful for?  The ability to relate, just a little bit, to the man who was carried by his friends to see Jesus.  I mean, maybe they did laugh on the way there.

I have been so encouraged by the many, many people that have been praying for me in the last month.  It's amazing to me how important the people around you are.  God designed us to do life together, and it's so evident to me.  I think about all of the people who have made the trek to my house, and to the hospital while I was there - I have every single one of my cards hanging on my wall, and have been deeply blessed by the many books, games, and fun coloring pages people have brought me & sent me.  But, the most important thing out of everything mentioned is how thankful I am to have so many people praying for me.  The only reason that I am able to feel hope & peace right now is because God is a God of grace - he is the one supplying it all.  I can't stop saying it; he is the one that deserves the credit.  God is writing the story.  He deserves the glory.

Nothing can portray this better than what I read moments before my fingers hit the keyboard tonight.  I got an e-mail from a sweet, merry friend, one that I have had the pleasure of getting to know over the last year while I've been in Milwaukee.  Before I describe her words, I think it's important to say that we shouldn't "rank" one another, or order our illnesses & injuries, sufferings & snares - pain is pain, and I will never put a little kid's cut above or below what I have had to endure.  God sees it all, and he wants us to come to him for help.  (I learned this, also, from a friend - Kathy taught me to pray with every child that came to me with an injury & it will always stick with me).

The pain that my friend has had to endure for the last few weeks is truly, truly heavy.  In her note to me, she talked about how in her anguish and suffering, she was struggling even to breathe.  I can't imagine what she was going through in the midst of such deep, intense pain, even though I experienced deep, intense pain recently.  She said to me though that within that anguish and suffering, God came to her, and he rescued her.  Tears welled up in my eyes, and I started to shiver because it rang so true, it hit home.  The same exact theme is stitched into my heart.

It's quite scary to me, in fact, because on the night of my fall, while I was in the hospital, I kept thinking of this song:

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

I remember laying there in the hospital bed at night, my mom asleep, sobbing & singing this song in my head so as not to wake her, my hands in the air like a child needing to be held.  Weeks before I fell, I had sung it, and I had meant it.  It's one of my favorites.  I still meant it when the morphine was wearing off & my eyes grew tired & I struggled to breathe.  He met me in that moment, and he continues to meet me.  When we call, he answers.  I don't know how to make it more evident to you.   And when we sing "My whole life, I place in your hands", we have to be ready when he leads the way.

It's exactly what my friend was describing in her note, in her story.  A God who comes to us in the midst.  In the midst of it all.  Rescuer. Provider of rest.  Giver of strength.  Intimately investing in us.  When we are down and out.  When we just feel down.  When we fall down.  When we're down to our last penny.  Even when the sky is falling down.  (Thank you, Jay Sean.)

I don't like to perform in front of people - I love singing, but I can't stand performing.  With that said, I so wish that you could sit with me right now in this moment.  If you don't know this song, Came to My Rescue by Hillsong, I would teach it to you & we could sing it together.  The part where it says, "I called, you answered" is long and drawn out, connecting to "I want to be where you are."  We would sing it until the silence in between verses was no longer silent, and our voices grew tired of calling.

(And then, we'd sing Jay Sean's "Down".  Dani, HJ...I know you'd be with me.)

It's scary to me because it's a reminder of how big God is - the constant movement and knowledge that he has.  It goes way beyond me - it extends into different cities, states, countries; it spans across languages, ethnicities, cultures.  His listening ears.  He hears. 

He is working simultaneously in my life, and in my friend's life, and in the lives of her family members.  The same theme is woven into our veins.  He's working in the lives of the family whose daughter died on the same weekend that I fell; their daughter also fell on accident, but only two more stories farther than I did.  She slid down a railing, just messing around on Halloween, fell off & her life ended.  He's working in her mom and dad's life.  He's working in the life of the man in Grayslake, IL whose dog saved him from a house fire.  He's working in the life of the sixth grader who just found out he has a brain tumor by getting a concussion at a football game.  He's working in the life of my old neighbor whose daughter was born with heart defects.  And these things are happening in Illinois.  He's working in the lives of the kids in my city, Milwaukee, some of whom I, embarrassingly, don't know well enough.  Those that don't have homes, don't have answers, and don't have a warm place to sleep tonight.  About 20,000 of them to be exact - and homeless families are on the rise.  He's working in the lives of the family whose 15-year-old was killed by a decorative stone that fell in a parking garage near Lake Michigan because structural problems remain unchecked, year after year. He's working in the pain within the city I'm growing to love.

God is a God of paradoxes; he is both a God of mercy & a God of justice - at the exact same time.  I don't understand it, but I'm not called to understand it; I'm called to obey.  To go and do likewise, to do as Jesus did.  To try to emulate him, and be like him, and follow him, even when I don't understand where He's leading.  He works, and He moves, and He never sleeps.  He's alive.  And right now, what I want most is to slip out of my covers, out of my bed to simply bow down before this God of Mercy, to worship the God whose love I do not deserve.  I can't.  I can't get down on my knees without getting stuck.  Because I don't know how I would get back in bed.   But you.  You can.  You can bow.  I'm not going to lie, I'm jealous of you.

In my heart, and in my mind, I fall on my knees before him (slowly and without rocks, of course), but I so look forward to the day when I am physically able to just bow and be.  And, I'm thankful that I will have that opportunity because not everyone that I know physically can.

Here's the thing, not only can we bow, but we can follow.  Not only can we follow, but we can be a part of what God is doing.  Not just in our next-door neighbors' lives, but around the world.  Not just around the world, but in our next-door neighbors' lives.  Even in the midst of suffering.  Even if they cause the suffering.  Our brokenness, figuratively and literally is made complete in Jesus.  We chose to place our whole lives in his hands - we are the only ones that can choose for ourselves.  As he rescued me, he has rescued you.  The choice is yours to make - will you bow down?  Will you follow?  Will you be a part of what God is doing?

After Simeon had prophesied about Jesus in the temple (yesterday),
"The child’s father and mother marveled at what was said about him. Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.

There was also a prophet, Anna, the daughter of Penuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, and then was a widow until she was eighty-four. She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying. Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem."

God is working in Grayslake, IL, and he's doing good things.  He is working in the city of Milwaukee, and I can see and testify to those things.  Even when we can't see how he's working, he is.  Because he is a God of grace, strength, and power.  And, He has invited us to be a part of the process; we can pray.  We can act.  We too can move.  Because we're following him, right?  In Milwaukee, I've seen him working through organizations like City on a Hill, which is reaching out to thousands and thousands of people in their community, many of which live in poverty; God's Kidz in the Hood, a home opened up to the homeless & hurting; Hope Investors, one of the only places in the United States to have actual beds for people who have been rescued from sex slavery in America; InterVarsity; so many different churches.  I've seen him work in a plate of cookies delivered by a beautiful 2-year-old bringing reconciliation to her neighbors that get mad about parking spaces.  I've seen him work in car rides home from Pic N' Save because groceries are heavy, and home is far away.  God hears.  There is redemption and reconciliation in the Messiah.

The Pharisees thought the Messiah would redeem the actual place called Jerusalem; for gain in structure, politics, class, and money.  But, you see, that Jerusalem that Anna was talking about wasn't just the city; eventually its walls came down.  There was structural, political, positional, and monetary loss.  Jerusalem was God's people.  He has extended the invitation, but we are the ones who choose to accept it, or to walk away.

Here's the thing, not only can we bow, but we can follow.  Not only can we follow, but we can be a part of what God is doing.  Not just around the world, but in our next-door neighbors' lives.  Not just in our next-door neighbors' lives, but around the world.  Even in the midst of suffering.  Even if they cause the suffering.  Our brokenness, figuratively and literally is made complete in Jesus.  We chose to place our whole lives in his hands - we are the only ones that can choose for ourselves.  As he rescued me, he has rescued you.  The choice is yours to make - will you bow down?  Will you follow?  Will you be a part of what God is doing?